


In The Shadows

by momentsintimex



Series: In The Shadows [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Healing, Hospitals, I'll tag as I go, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, sibling relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-04-17 23:10:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 105,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14199687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Sitting on top of the hill in the park just down the street from his house, Connor Murphy reflects on the three things that meant the most to him.Books. Weed. And Evan.He just doesn’t think anyone would miss him if he left all of that behind.—Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen have been best friends since they were 5 years old and met on the playground in kindergarten. They’d been through everything together, but Connor can’t bring himself to remember any of that.All he can think about is how much better Evan’s life — and everyone else’s — would be if he was gone.





	1. Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> as with most DEH fics, there will be mentions/descriptions of self harming. please be aware, don't read if you don't want! :)

Connor Murphy sits at the top of the hill in the park with a blunt in his hand and his phone laying beside him in the dirt.

He’s thought a lot about this moment — how it would feel to know that these were his last moments on Earth. What he would do, what he would think about. If not leaving a note or an explanation as to why he did this or what led him to finally get to this point was the right move. If Evan would miss him, or if he’d just move on like Connor thought he could and probably would.

It’s not that this is an impulse decision, in fact it’s far from it. Connor’s thought about killing himself since he was 14, but mostly didn’t because his mom was one of those hovering moms — never really letting him out of her sight — but also because he was too scared. Scared that it would hurt, scared that maybe it wouldn’t work.

He spent hours on his laptop into the early hours of the morning when everyone thought he was sleeping. On incognito mode on the internet, searching of painless ways to kill yourself. None gave him a definitive answer, but in the end he decided pills. Which. He didn’t think was painless, but he was hoping if he took enough all at once he’d pass out before the real pain started.

The buzz is starting to sink in halfway through the blunt, his eyes bloodshot and mind weary. He’s decided that this moment isn’t the time that he’s going to kill himself, but it’s definitely _not_ because he’s scared. He just… he thinks he wants one more family meal, maybe one more fight with his dad, another moment of his sister calling him a freak because he mumbles something under his breath when he shows up to dinner high.

Maybe a chance to say goodbye to Evan.

And maybe that’s the only thing that scares him. Leaving Evan. Because he can’t remember a time when Evan _wasn’t_ in his life. Where he wasn’t just a phone call or a text message away if he needed him.

He’d heard the story thousands of times before from both of their mothers. Evan had been playing on the playground with Jared Kleinman on the first day of kindergarten, Connor had been playing with his friends, but they ended up playing a game together.

And then they became best friends when they realized they were in the same class.

In the last few years of their friendship, Connor felt like his feelings for Evan were changing. He ignored it for a while, told himself that it was just a phase and he definitely _didn’t_ have feelings for his best friend.

And they did go away for a while. But that happened at the same time Connor started slipping away. And things started changing. Which meant that Connor was pushing everyone out of his life, especially Evan, in fear that he would hurt them.

But Evan never left. It wasn’t from lack of trying, because Connor had done everything to push him away. Told him that he could find new friends, that all he was going to do was hurt him in the long run and he’d rather just get it over with now rather than later when it was Evan leaving because Connor hurt him or something.

Evan always insisted that he wasn’t leaving. That even if everyone else did, even if Connor had turned awful, Evan would stay. He’d be his friend through everything, just like he promised when they had just turned 6.

Connor thinks it might’ve been a lot easier then.

When the blunt he had been savoring is gone and his high feels sufficient enough, Connor decides it’s probably time to go home. He looks back at the place he had been sitting for the last two hours, reminding himself that he could be back there in a few hours, and those would be his last moments. That it’s not much longer. He’s going to be free soon. Just a few hours.

He doesn’t live far from the park, but when you’re buzzed and your arms are itching for more of a release it feels like hours. Connor wonders halfway through if he walked the wrong way or if he like, passed his house, but. Then he recognizes the houses he’s walking past and he’s walking in his front door, bracing himself for his parents to be like, sitting there waiting.

“I was wondering when you were coming home,” His mom says. Her back is turned to him. “Were you with Evan?”

“No,” Connor mumbles. Clears his throat. And then makes eye contact with his dad.

Larry looked up from where he had been sitting at the kitchen counter on his laptop. His face had been mostly even, but then he stares at Connor and Connor stares back. And Larry narrows his eyes.

“Are you high right now?” He asks. Connor realizes he probably shouldn’t have laughed at that question. Larry sighs, turns to looking at his wife. “Our son wasn’t with Evan because he was out getting high again, Cynthia.”

Larry slams his hand against the granite. Connor actually flinches. “We’ve told you a million times that getting high isn’t something that’s acceptable in this house! We’ve sent you to rehab, we’ll do it again, Connor.”

“It’s just weed,” Connor says. Maybe a little too confidently. “Besides, I wouldn’t get high all the time if this family wasn’t so fucking annoying.”

“Connor —“ Cynthia begins. And then she’s cut off.

“That’s enough, Connor!” Larry says, standing up from his spot at the island. “We have this argument every single time you come home high! Is it time we just lock you in this house, don’t give you any freedom?”

“Okay,” Connor mumbles. And rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

He turns on his heels and walks towards the steps while his dad yells for him, but. He’s not turning around. He’s not going back there and getting yelled at anymore, especially when he knows anything his dad says just. Isn’t going to matter tomorrow.

He won’t have to worry about locking Connor in their house because Connor won’t be there. He’ll be dead. Like everyone has wanted.

The steps feel like he’s climbing Mount Everest, his mouth dry and the buzz beginning to wear off as he tries not to stumble. He doesn’t even hear Zoe come out of her room, but he notices her feet an then hears her scoff when he reaches the top step.

“Will you ever stop being such a dick? Maybe like, I don’t know, check in with Mom and not come home fucking high like you do every other time? It’s really not that hard to not get in trouble, Connor.”

Connor laughs bitterly. “Fuck off, Zoe. You don’t understand.”

“What, Connor? What don’t I understand?” Zoe asks. And she’s yelling. And Connor feels like he’s spinning. “Do I not understand that you’re a psycho?! That you’ve ruined my life because you’re so fucked up and you’re on drugs all the time?”

Connor bites his tongue. Thinks about saying something. Things about running after her. Threatening to kill her. And then he stops. Takes a deep breath, shakes his head.

And walks into his room without another word.

His arms are aching, begging for a release or _something_. Because when he thought about coming home and having one last meal, seeing his family one more time, he didn’t think it’d be this bad. He… he knew that maybe it wouldn’t be good. He and Larry would fight. Zoe would probably call him a freak.

But this… this felt worse. Like maybe it was some sort of out of body experience and it was so much worse than he thought it was going to be. He was high, he knew that. And maybe that’s why it felt worse, because he left the park not long after finishing the blunt and he didn’t even give himself a chance to calm down. But. He couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to drag something across his arms, make it through dinner. And leave.

He waits until he thinks the hall is quiet, stumbling across his room and dragging himself down the hall to the bathroom. He waits a minute, makes sure no one heard him and they don’t come up to yell at him some more since he’s out of his room. And then turns the shower on.

The room fills up with steam fairly quickly, making it a little easier to breathe and a little less impossible for him to like, choke on his own saliva. His hand shakes as he shuffles through the medicine cabinet, finding his razor hid in the back, popping off the blade.

This isn’t a new habit. When he rolls up the sleeve of his jacket there’s faint scars lining his arms, ones that had been there for years. He started when he was 14, mostly out of curiosity. One of the books he had been reading talked about self-harming, and while Connor had tried to skim through it, get to a part of the book that was less uncomfortable for him to read, he began wondering.

Wondering if the pain that character felt melted away when they self-harmed. If it really did help, if it did solve anything. He shook himself out of those thoughts a few times. Told himself that he couldn’t try, that he couldn’t know what it felt like because someone would notice and then he’d get in trouble.

And then Colin Harris made fun of him at school because he had to wear his glasses since he scratched his eye trying to put his contacts in, and he spent the rest of the day wondering if he could find anything sharp enough to try cutting his arms to take the pain away.

The first time wasn’t all that bad, Connor didn’t think. He used his sister’s razor, popping out one of the blades and dragging it across his skin. He hissed from the pain. Watched the blood drip down his arms. And then immediately began washing them off. He barely bled, which. He guesses was a good thing, but not really what he was intending.

He told himself it was a one-time thing. He wasn’t going to keep doing this, he wasn’t going to take his pain away with a razor every single time someone made fun of him or he fought with his parents or had a bad day.

But then he kept doing it. And it became a habit. One he did when he had a bad day, which ended up being more often than not. When his arms stung or he was afraid someone would notice he moved to his thighs, and then. Just kept going from there. Almost making it a part of his routine.

The pain didn’t help, at least not in the long run. His adrenaline rushed for minutes after he did it, but he’d come off the high and feel low again, except now with cuts on his skin and blood dripping, and. He just wished he hadn’t done it.

But he hadn’t stopped. And now he sits on the floor in the bathroom with the steam filling the air, a razor in his hand and his sweatshirt sleeve rolled up and the scars staring back at him, and he presses down again.

He doesn’t flinch anymore, which he doesn’t really think it was a good thing. He just. He’s used to it. He’s used to it hurting and he’s used to watching the blood drip down his arms, and he… he doesn’t know what else to do.

He watches the blood for a moment, waiting until the first few drops hit the tile floor before he makes any moves to grab the toilet paper, wiping up the blood. It takes longer for the bleeding to stop now, and Conor waits, pulling the toilet paper away when the bleeding finally does slow down. And then pulls his jacket back over the cuts.

He shuts the water off before someone comes and yells that it’s been too long, and then he just. Opens the door and goes back to his room.

It’s not really that he’s expecting dinner to go well, especially not after he had gotten in a fight with both his dad and his sister, but he didn’t expect everyone to be silent.

He’s still feeling the effects of the weed, still running through his mind and affecting everything. It’s definitely not the first dinner he’s been high for, but it is the last.

Because he spends the whole dinner thinking about how when he’s done he’s going to go back upstairs and get the pills he’s been hiding in his bedside drawer, and then he’s going to go to the park and end his life.

It’s morbid, he knows. But he doesn’t say anything out loud about it and so his mom doesn’t have time to get even more concerned than she already is.

“Connor, you’ve barely touched your food. Don’t you want to eat?” Cynthia asks.

Connor looks up. Starts to say something about how he’s not hungry but he’ll eat some. And then is promptly cut off by his father.

“Cynthia just leave it. He’s still high, he’s not going to listen to anything you have to say,” He says. Venom laced through his words.

Connor’s fork falls to his plate, and he just. Looks at all of his family. “Sorry I’m such a fucking disappointment,” Connor mumbles. And then turns to his mom. “I’m not hungry, sorry.”

And then he stands up before they say anything else. He grabs his plate, throws out the food he didn’t eat, and then walks upstairs without another word. He might have slammed his door a little harder than intended, but. He thinks they deserve it after everything that’s happened over the last few years.

He walks over to his nightstand, shuffling through the drawer and pulling out a bottle of pills he had stashed in the back. He bought them a few weeks ago off Andrew, the same guy who sells him weed, who told him not to take too many at a time. They were just meant for a trip, a way to get higher than weed would’ve allowed.

Connor nodded. Thanked him as he shoved the money into his hands. And then turned around and walked with his hand in his pocket holding the pills still, praying they weren’t making any noise so no one would hear them.

His phone was laying in the middle of his bed, void of notifications like it always was. He and Evan had been texting earlier but Evan had therapy that afternoon and Heidi said they were going out for dinner after, so. He’d text Connor back when he was home.

Connor thinks about waiting for that text before he leaves. But then he thinks about how Evan probably forgot or he lied about texting him because he feels like this is the perfect opportunity to like, stop being friends with Connor, and. Connor just doesn’t want to think about that.

So after stashing the pills in his sweatshirt pocket Connor reaches over and grabs his phone, typing out a text to Evan.

_Hey I know you said you’d text me but I’m going out now and I know I won’t answer but I just wanted to thank you for being such a good friend to me throughout our whole lives. You could’ve left a million times and you probably should’ve left a million times but you never did and I really can’t thank you enough for that because most of the time you were the only friend I ever had and I know that wasn’t easy for you because I know people were probably mean. And I’m sorry that I’m doing this and I know I should’ve explained or apologized to you and I’m sorry that you’re going to have to go through this but I love you and I know this is for the best for me and you._

He doesn’t read over the text before he hits send, shoving his phone into his pocket, grabbing the pills and taking one. He hopes it’ll at least calm him down by the time he gets to the park. Make him not want to chicken out.

He takes one more look around his room, trying to remember everything about it. His bed is unmade. The stack of books he meant to put away lay untouched on his nightstand. He left his nightstand drawer open, his journal the only thing in there after he had finished the weed earlier that afternoon.

He looks at his bedroom door. Unlocked, so that when they inevitably come up to yell at him some more they won’t have to worry about waiting for him to answer. He thinks that’s nice of him. At least he isn’t making them walk around finding a key to break into his room.

Sneaking out isn’t something Connor is unfamiliar with. He’s done it hundreds of time before. Never while his parents were still down in the kitchen, but he figures there’s a first for everything.

So, he carefully climbs out onto his roof after opening the window, sliding down on to the roof of the screen porch. And then jumps off and into the grass from there. It’s not a long fall, but one that makes him sit for a moment and catch his breath, turning back to make sure that no one saw him.

He leaves his backyard and turns back to look at his house once more, and then begins walking down the road. The same path he took home hours before, back to the park where he had spent so much time growing up.

He doesn’t know what he was expecting to feel while he was dying. Maybe pain, judging by all the thing he read online. He figures it’ll probably take a little time to sink in, his death won’t be instant. He doesn’t really know what he’s going to do. Besides sit there, look down at the park below him as he sits underneath the tree at the top of the hill. And think about his life.

He hopes he doesn’t suffer or like, get caught by anyone. He’s thought this out, figures that no one will be at the park now that it’s almost dark and around dinner. He’s not expecting his family to know that he’s missing for at least an hour, and then they’d have to start looking for him, which. Connor hopes is enough time for him to be dead. Or at least too far gone to be saved.

He reaches the park faster than he thought he would. He’s right, no one is there, but. Now he’s scared.

“You’re doing the right thing,” He mumbles to himself. Takes a deep breath, and climbs to the top of the hill. “No one will care that you’re dead. This is the right thing to do.” He continues talking to himself, continues to tell himself that he can’t chicken out, that this is exactly what he needs to do to make everyone’s lives easier.

He sits down, leaning back against the trunk and taking a deep breath. His hand that had been firmly grasping the pills the whole walk there pulls them out, and he watches his hand shake as he unscrews the lid and opens the bottle, pouring all the pills out into his hand.

He takes a deep breath. Looks around, makes sure no one is coming. And then takes the pills, swallowing them with a bottle of water he carried in his other hand.

He thinks he feels his phone go off in his pocket a few times, but the haze is starting to set in and he thinks maybe he feels high again, and so he just leaves it. His eyes begin to droop as he watches the park in front of him get blurrier, and although he really just feels high, he knows it’s working.

He knows it’s not long until his family is free of him. Until everyone is happier now that he’s gone.


	2. Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the frantic search to find Connor, Zoe finds comfort in friends, and things are tense.
> 
> TW: mentions/descriptions of suicide attempt

There’s a lot that triggers Evan’s anxiety.

Public speaking, general social interactions, most people.

A text from his best friend apologizing for being a bad person and how he’s sorry that he’s going to put Evan through this.

On the rare occasion his mom is home from work in time for dinner, Heidi insists that he’s off his phone and they can just enjoy their time together. Evan’s always found it a little stupid, because most times their dinners are interrupted by Heidi being called into work or her getting a text from one of her friends, but. He’s never challenged the rule. More just… gone along with it.

He knows Connor had texted him when his mom is paying for the check after dinner. He thinks about pulling it out to look at it, because Connor knows that Evan is out for dinner and he won’t be able to answer, and on those nights Connor doesn’t normally text him. He just waits for Evan to say that dinner is over. But if he’s texting him now that would mean something is wrong, wouldn’t it? That would mean Connor would need him.

He’s about to give in after a few minutes and just read it, just so he can stop his mind from racing and worrying that Connor is like, in trouble or something. But then his mom looks up and smiles and says they can go, and so he follows her to the car and waits until he’s buckled in before he pulls his phone out to look at it.

Heidi must’ve noticed the change in Evan’s demeanor as he reads the text, glancing over at him when she stops at a red light. “Evan, what’s wrong?” She asks, and Evan’s head snaps up to look at her.

“I um, I think Connor is in trouble,” He stumbles out. But it doesn’t feel right. “H-he texted me this.” He holds his phone out, but the light goes green and so Heidi pulls into a bowling alley parking lot, taking Evan’s phone to read the text.

And immediately looks more worried than Evan thinks he looks. “I’m going to call Cynthia. Try calling him, see if he answers. How long ago did he text you that?” Heidi asks.

Evan shrugs. “I um, like 20 minutes maybe?” He says, but his mind is racing over where Connor could be and so he can’t do the math on how long it’s been since Connor sent him that. And he had been spending a few minutes trying to figure out what it even meant.

He can hear his mom on the phone, talking to what he thinks is Cynthia and telling her that Connor sent him a worrying text. He can hear her trying to calm Cynthia down, telling her that it’s fine and they’d find him. And then she hangs up.

Evan’s attempts to call Connor go unnoticed, and in the three times he’s called him in the last two minutes, they’ve all gone to voicemail. So he gives up. And realizes that Connor isn’t going to answer because he’s somewhere and he might be killing himself and…

“Evan, breathe,” Heidi says, reaching out to take his hand. “Cynthia and Larry are going to look for him. Zoe’s going to see if she can find anything in his room that would lead us to him. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to find him.”

“But um, but what if he isn’t okay?” Evan asks, his voice cracking.

Heidi is silent for a moment, like maybe she doesn’t know what to say or how to answer that question. “We can’t think like that, Evan. We have to… we have to have faith that he is going to be found safe.”

Evan nods like he believes it, but he really doesn’t know how he’s supposed to just… assume that Connor is okay. Because he’s not answering his phone and the text is obviously not like Connor and so. He just sits back, takes a deep breath, and tries to tell himself that they’ll find Connor before it’s too late.

Heidi drives around town a little bit in search of Connor or any traces of him, but when they come up empty she decides it’s probably better if they go home, maybe in the off chance that Connor had come to them. Evan thinks about arguing that, saying that Connor knew they were going to be gone and he wouldn’t have showed up at their house because of that, but. He just nods, and lets his mom drive the rest of the way home with her music playing.

Just a they pull into their driveway and Heidi shuts the car off her phone rings, and Evan watches as she bites her lip. “It’s Zoe,” She whispers. And then answers it before it goes to her voicemail.

Evan continues getting out of the car and walking up to the front door, mostly because he doesn’t think he wants to hear the conversation. He can’t stop the nagging in his stomach and the sick feeling that’s overtaken him because he’s _positive_ he’s going to find out his best friend died. He’s positive that they’re about to find out that they found him but it was too late and it would be Evan’s fault all because he didn’t read his phone in time and so he couldn’t get him help.

But his mom follows him to the door, promises Zoe that she can call if she changes her mind, and then hangs up.

“Connor is alive, Evan,” Heidi says quietly, and Evan’s fairly sure that his legs are going to give out. “They found him in the park. He overdosed, but he’s on his way to the hospital and his mom is with him.”

“Is he… is he going to be okay?” Evan asks. And forces himself to look up at his mom.

Her lips are pursed in a thin line as she sighs. “I don’t know,” She mumbles. And then unlocks the door so they can go inside.

Evan sits down but really doesn’t feel any better. Because now he’s afraid his friend — who’s alive right now — won’t make it in the end. And he doesn’t know what he’d do without him.

—

There’s about a million other things that Zoe wishes she was doing on one of her nights of summer than looking through her brother’s room.

They realized he was missing when Heidi called, saying that he sent Evan a concerning text message. Zoe didn’t think much of it, really, mostly because she thought if anything he was probably just getting high and avoiding their parents. But her mom came up and told her to look through his room for anything that may say where he would’ve gone, and so. Zoe does it. Just because her mom is panicking and she really isn’t looking to make things worse.

Zoe doesn’t really know what she’s expecting to find. She mostly avoided Connor’s room since they had begun growing apart. She knew he was into drugs, knew he had smoked weed regularly and had on occasion tried harder drugs. But. She doesn’t know what he’s into anymore or what he even does in his free time, and so she’s expecting to find things she never even knew about.

She decides to start in his nightstand, praying that it brings her some sort of answers or something that would bring them to Connor faster.

At first she doesn’t notice anything. There’s a small baggie of weed — not enough to get anyone high — shoved into the front corner. Some papers that Zoe assumes he meant to turn in but never did. A few little notes with nothing that helped give her answers.

And then there was a notebook. One that had been clearly worn in, clearly Connor had had for a while, but for reasons Zoe doesn’t know. She pulls it out, and without thinking about it or second guessing anything she opens it, flipping through the pages filled with little notes of his thoughts and artwork, each more confusing than the next. Zoe doesn’t know what to make of them, but she had decided that they were probably based on how he was feeling on the day he drew them.

She’s about to give up, to say that there was nothing in this notebook and she’s going to have to keep looking when she moves to the final page. And finds a list.

_Pills._   
_Park._   
_Night._

Zoe can feel her breath get caught in her throat. She feels frozen. Unable to move her limbs, unable to force herself to get up and run downstairs to tell her parents she thinks she knows where to look.

Her hands are shaking as she holds the notebook firmly in them, forcing herself to stand up. Take one step. Then another. Until she finds the strength to just… run down the stairs as fast as her legs will take her, arriving in the kitchen breathless.

“I think I know where Connor is.”

The words hang in the silence for a moment, where time is precious and her parents are looking at her like maybe she grew an extra head upstairs.

“I went through his room, found his notebook, and then on the last page he made a list that said ‘park, pills, night’. I don’t know what it means, but he’s probably at a park.”

Cynthia is the one who stands up first, glancing at her daughter first. And the back at her husband. “I’ll take Zoe with me. You try the park on the other side of town. We’ll try the one just around here. Just please. We need to find him.”

Larry nods, and before Zoe can even register what’s happening she’s following her mom out to her car, sitting in the passenger seat as they drive the short distance to the park that she had been to a million times with Connor before.

She’s the first one out of the car when her mom pulls into the parking lot, surprisingly, and before she even registers what she’s doing she’s running up the hill and around the bases of the trees lining the playground in search of her brother — who she thought she didn’t care about.

Nothing could’ve prepared herself for what she found at the base of the oak tree. Nothing could’ve prepared her for how Connor was going to look when she found him. Barely breathing. A bottle of pills resting just by his hand. His eyes partly open, but definitely not coherent. Vomit all over his shirt. His lips are blue, which. Zoe knows isn’t good.

She’s shaking as she runs towards him, adrenaline carrying him more than anything else. She yells something to her mom, something that she’s sure is incoherent but she hopes her mom understands as she runs to her brother. And taps his face. Gentle at first. Then a little harder.

“Connor, I need you to breathe. Please, Connor,” She says desperately, and realizes that she’s crying. Her mom arrives, a strangled sob leaving her mouth as she calls 911, frantically telling them that she needs help, that her son tried to kill himself and they need someone to get there fast.

And then she calls Larry, a call that lasts only seconds in Zoe’s mind as she sits there and desperately tries to get her brother to respond.

She’s pushed away when the medics arrive, tears streaming down her face as she watches them for a moment. And then turns away. Her mom tosses her the keys when she goes in the ambulance with Connor, promising that they’d know something soon.

Zoe thinks about following them to the hospital. But then she thinks about how she’d be in a waiting room most of the night, and even then she probably wouldn’t be able to see her brother.

So she texts Alana. Begs her to come over, to spend time with her. Composes herself. And then drives home with the windows down and no music on, listening to the wind whistle by as she makes her way back.

—

Evan doesn't remember how he felt when his mom told him Connor had been found, but the anxiety that’s been prevalent through his body from the minute they found out he had overdosed hadn’t left, and didn’t seem like it was going to anytime soon.

Evan wasn’t a stranger to anxiety. It had been years since Evan could remember _not_ feeling anxious about something, but. Usually it was Connor who calmed him down. Connor who made him realize that it was okay, that he was safe.

Only now Connor was the one he was anxious about.

Heidi offers to come up to the hospital on the phone, but judging by her responses Evan figures the Larry must’ve told her that it’s okay, that they’d update her later. Heidi makes him promise that he’ll ask her if they need anything, but Evan doesn’t even know what they could do to help. Because even though Heidi is a nurse, she can’t just magically save Connor. Evan knows they’re doing everything they can.

Evan watches her carefully as she hangs up the phone. Sighs. And then moves to make them both cups of tea, mumbling about how maybe it’ll help them calm down.  
Evan doesn’t think anything is going to help him calm down. Not until he’s able to see Connor at least, which. May be days.

Or may be never.

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” Heidi says, sliding a mug in front of him as she leans on the counter. “How are you feeling? Even if things don’t make sense, just talk to me.”

Evan takes a shaky breath. Reaches for his tea to take a sip of that, trying to buy time to sort out his thoughts running through his mind.

“I don’t know,” He finally says, although it’s not enough. He knows it’s not. “I-I guess I um, I wish he would’ve told me he um, he felt like this?” He stutters out, and Heidi nods. “Like um, that he was… he was hurting. Or I… I should’ve noticed.”

Heidi frowns at that, wrapping her hands around the warm mug of tea and sighing. “You can’t blame yourself for this, Evan. You’ll always find something that you think you could’ve done, just like I will and his family will. But it’s not going to help anything,” She reminds him, which. Evan knows. “I don’t want you to think that this is your fault just because you didn’t notice that he was getting worse. Connor… Connor was good at hiding how he felt. He didn’t want you to know, and that’s just where we’re going to have to go from here.”

Evan swallows harshly, taking another sip of tea. “How… if he lives… how do I get him to tell me how he’s feeling more? Like um, so I can… I can help him?”

Heidi chews the inside of her lip, and Evan thinks maybe she’s searching for an answer, maybe she’s trying to figure out how to be optimistic about this when it’s pretty hard. “Well, we’re going to have to give him a little space. He’s most likely going to be put on medication, he’s going to be in therapy, and I think he’s going to want time to sort that out,” She begins, which. Evan understands. “But I think you just need to be honest with him. You need to tell him you’re worried, that as his best friend you want to help him in whatever way you can, and that he can be open with you about everything.”

Evan sighs. “O-okay.”

Heidi reaches over, her hand resting against his hand. “Evan, this is scary, I know. And it’s going to be scary for a while. But Connor is at the hospital and they’re going to save his life and then get him started on something that will help. And it may be really hard watching him go through this, but I promise he’ll be so grateful he has you.”

Evan nods, trying not to think too much into Connor being grateful for him because. Well. He doesn’t know how to feel about that.

He finishes his mug of tea, putting it in the sink and announcing that he’s going to bed. Heidi gives him a small smile, promising that when she hears from Cynthia or Larry she’ll let him know, but to have faith that no news is good news.

And so Evan goes upstairs, turning on the shower to almost as hot as it will go, undresses, and steps in. Letting the drops hit his back, stinging his skin and sending shivers up his spine all at the same time.

And only when he’s confident that the overhead fan and the water running will drown out his noise does he let his tears fall. The fear and anxiety that he might have just lost his best friend too much for him to bear.

All he can think about is Connor. And all he wants is to know that he’s okay.

—

Admittedly, Zoe wasn’t the best at sharing much about her personal life with friends. She mostly hid her brother from them, refused to talk about him. To say anything about how he was awful and how he threatened to kill her a million times before. How there were days where she wondered if he would follow through with that.

But now Alana’s on her way over because Zoe texted her pleading to come over because she was too afraid to be alone and she needed someone there, and that she’d explain everything when she arrived. And that meant that Zoe was going to have to be honest about how she and Connor were with each other. Which may have been scarier than anything else.

Alana arrives not long after Zoe makes it home, face full of concern as she steps inside the Murphy’s and toes her shoes off. Zoe knows it’s painfully obvious that she’s been crying, and although she’s mostly stopped now, her eyes are droopy and she’s pretty sure her makeup is like, running down her face because she didn’t bother to wipe it off. Or even look in the mirror.

“Zoe, are you okay?” Alana asks when Zoe doesn’t just start talking, the two still standing in the entryway. “I got here as fast as I could when I saw your text. You’re home alone?”

Zoe feels her bottom lip quiver. And then she starts crying again, falling into Alana’s arms. “I found Connor overdosed in the park,” She finally mumbles, unsure if Alana could even understand her. “Connor… he tried to kill himself. And I hate him!”

She doesn’t actually. It’s just… a reflex. A normal reaction to when she thinks about her brother.

Alana’s silent for a moment, holding Zoe in her arms, rubbing her back. She isn’t really sure what to say to her friend in all honesty, because she’s an only child and she just… she’s never had to go through a sibling overdosing. And never will.

“Oh, Zoe, I’m so sorry,” She finally says quietly, but it’s not enough. “Come here, let’s go sit down.”

Zoe lets Alana lead her to the sofa, the two of them sitting down as Zoe stays resting against Alana’s shoulder. “I… I don’t hate him I guess,” She says after a moment. As a consolation.

“I don’t even know what to say, Zo. I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

Zoe takes a deep breath. Thinks about maybe just asking Alana to distract her. And then decides she needs to at least tell one friend about Connor.

“I just… Connor and I don’t get along,” She begins, staring at the bracelet on her wrist. “The last few years especially, he’s um, he’s threatened to kill me.” Alana seems surprised. “Which is why I don’t talk about him, and also why I avoid having you or any other friend over. Because I don’t know what Connor is going to be like, and if… if you knew him, you wouldn’t want to be my friend.”

Alana frowns. “Well, I know this won’t help but I did have classes with Connor. And while I know he was… struggling, I didn’t know it was this bad for you, Zoe. You could’ve told me.”

Zoe shakes her head quickly. “Didn’t want to lose you,” She mumbles. And then feels pathetic for it.  
The pair sits in silence for a few minutes, but Zoe can hear Alana breathing and her fingers are idly running up and down her arms, and. Zoe just. Thinks this is exactly what she needs right now.

Her phone vibrates in her lap, and although she just wants to ignore it, Alana speaks up. “You should probably check that. See if maybe it’s your parents.”

Zoe takes a deep breath. And then nods, picking up her phone.

_Connor is stable. Not out of the woods, but stable. You’ll be able to see him tomorrow. Mom and I will be home soon._

“Connor is stable,” Zoe says out loud, looking up at Alana. Alana smiles softly, like maybe she doesn’t really know how to feel on behalf of one of her closest friends.

“That’s a good thing, right?” She finally asks, and Zoe nods as she sends a quick text back to her dad.

“Yeah, it is,” Zoe finally says. Like maybe she’s trying to convince herself.

Alana doesn’t leave until the Murphy’s are home, making Zoe promise that she’ll call at any hour of the day should she need her.

Zoe busies herself while her parents get settled by cleaning up the living room and shutting off the TV, finding her parents in the kitchen.

“Zoe,” Larry begins. He sounds annoyed. Tired. A mix of emotions. “We’re sorry we weren’t home earlier.”

Zoe shrugs. “Connor needs you, right?”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t,” Larry says. Cynthia takes a sip of the water she poured herself. “How are you doing?”

“I found my brother half dead in a park tonight. How do you think I’m doing.”

She hates how that came out. Her mom gasps. Her dad presses his lips into a thin line.

“Zoe, I know this isn’t easy. Obviously this isn’t going to get better overnight, but it has to start somewhere. You’re just as important as Connor and if you want to talk your mother and I are here and ready to listen to what you have to say. We know tonight was scary.”

Zoe laughs bitterly and shakes her head. “You don’t get it! Connor is an awful person and he’s a freak and a psycho who probably wants me dead, but he’s been fucked up for years and you guys have ignored the problem!” She wants to cry again. “It doesn’t matter, okay? Connor obviously fucking needs help and I hate him but if he wants to die maybe you should listen to him when he says he needs help.” She forces herself to take a deep breath, looking at her parents. “I’m going to bed.”

She storms upstairs before her parents can say anything, although she hears her father’s weak attempts to ask her to come back downstairs. She thinks she can hear her mom crying. She feels bad, but she’s too exhausted to walk downstairs and apologize tonight.

So instead she lays on her bed, slams her head into her pillow, and cries herself to sleep while praying that this is all some sort of twisted nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was... so much longer than i thought it was going to be omg. but! i didn't want to split any of this away.
> 
> more of connor and evan's friendship will be through the next few chapters and Jared will fit into the story! :)
> 
> thank you so much for all of the responses on the first chapter! hopefully you guys continue to like this as i keep posting :)
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	3. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe and Evan visit Connor and Zoe struggles.

Cynthia spends most of the night awake, tossing and turning. She gives up trying to sleep around 3, deciding that it wasn’t going to happen and instead she was going to have to survive on coffee.

When you become a parent, Cynthia had always thought that meant protecting your children, keeping them safe. Comforting them when they’re sick, holding their hand when their scared or hurt.

But this… this was different. Her little boy was in the hospital and he was sick and hurt all at the same time, and all she could do was hold his hand and tell him that it was going to be okay when she didn’t even know if that was true, or even worse, she isn’t even sure that’s what he wants.

When morning comes and Cynthia and Larry usher Zoe out to the car to go back up to the hospital she isn’t really sure what to say, because she knows Zoe is conflicted about this. She thinks about making idle conversation, finding something to fill the air of the car, but. She knows better, and so she lets the radio serve as noise instead of conversation.

As if she had been there hundreds of times before Cynthia leads her family into the hospital, down the hall to the elevators and hitting the fourth floor. They walk up to the desk, signing in and slapping stickers onto their jacket. “Dr. Manning will be in to talk with you guys as soon as he’s done with another patient,” A nurse smiles. And then lets them walk down the hall to see Connor.

Her hopes that this would be easier when they had a night to mull it over are all but squashed when they walk into Connor’s hospital room, their son still sleeping. Cynthia doesn’t hesitate in walking over and taking one of his hands, trying not to look at the scars she had discovered on his wrists for the first time the night before when they were given some time to be with him.

“He’s running a small fever. Nothing to be worried about, but it could be why he’s sleeping so late this morning. He’s stable though and has been through the night. He even woke up and was able to tell the night nurse about his pain. All promising things,” His nurse Jackie smiles when she comes in to check on him. She fiddles with his IVs, Cynthia watching before she excuses herself when she realizes they don’t have anymore questions.

Cynthia looks over to her husband, who has moved closer to the bed but still looks unsure. Like maybe this is all a bad dream and this isn’t really happening, or maybe there was some way he could just… make his son better.

“Whatever the doctor says today… whatever he thinks is best for Connor, we’re trying it. No questions asked,” Cynthia says quietly. She realizes that maybe this isn’t the best time. Maybe she hasn’t slept enough for this conversation, but. It needs to be said. “We cannot have this happen again. He shouldn’t have to go through life feeling like this.

Larry’s lips are pressed into a thin line, but he nods. “Okay,” He says quietly. And then doesn’t say anything else.

Zoe moves from the doorway over to the sofa in the corner, setting her things down and sitting there. She can’t see Connor from there, not that she really wants to or anything. She spends most of her time on her phone, texting Alana about how she’s at the hospital but she wishes that she could be home or hanging out anywhere else. And then she looks through social media, especially when she can hear Connor wake up and talk quietly with his parents, even though he doesn’t seem like he wants to.

Connor’s doctor comes in, talking with Connor quickly and then asking for a few minutes alone with them, which. Zoe wishes didn’t have to happen. She can’t imagine Connor is listening to their conversation anyway, and if he is, why can’t he know what the doctor is going to say?

They leave the room and the door shuts behind them, and immediately Zoe wants to be swallowed whole.

She thinks Connor feels the same way.

“I’m glad you like… lived,” Zoe says, breaking the silence.

She looks up to see Connor looking at her. “I’m not.”

“You… you’re a shitty person and you just, you’re awful to me but Connor you shouldn’t have to die because you don’t think things will change. And it sucks that you tried and I’m sorry that Mom and Dad don’t listen to you but… I don’t know.”

Connor sighs. “I really thought this time was going to work,” He laughs. Blinks away the tears. “But of course, Connor Murphy fucks it up again!”

Zoe doesn’t want to move. She doesn’t want to help her brother and she really just wants to leave the hospital and forget that Connor is even here and she thinks maybe they could just work things out at home, but. Maybe Connor needs her more than she wants to admit and maybe she needs to be the one that works on this to make it better because it doesn’t seem like that’s very high on Connor’s list.

So. She stands up. And walks to where her dad was once sitting. Sits down in the chair, and folds her hands in her lap.

“I… I say I hate you and I’m pretty sure you hate me and you’re not a nice person but you deserve to get better.” Connor doesn’t say anything. Zoe laughs sadly. “Fuck, what is the point of me even trying to do this? You definitely don’t want to see me. You don’t want to look at me ever again if you can help it.”

“Fuck you, Zoe.” There’s no malice behind his words. “Fuck you for trying to care about me after you’ve never cared before. Why are you being like this?”

He’s crying. Zoe stares at her lap. “Because… because I thought if I tried to be the better person and be nice to you you’d see that maybe you fucking can get better! But you don’t care. You don’t fucking want my help or anyone else’s and I don’t know why any of us are wasting our time when it’s clear you just want to mope and not get any better.”

She stands up from the chair, walking back over to the sofa and grabbing her bag. She stands in the corner of the room, texting someone to make plans, and when her parents walk back in, she looks up.

“I need some air,” She mumbles, standing up and grabbing her bag. Her dad tries to say something to her, but Zoe takes one look back at her brother in the hospital bed. He looks sad, staring at his blanket and the hospital bracelets on his wrist and he just… looks broken. Like maybe he regrets being mean to her.

She doesn’t say anything to him, and instead walks out of his room and down the hall before she has a chance to change her mind. It’s only a few minutes, and she knows right now it’s what both of them need.

—

Evan only ends up sleeping about four hours before giving up, deciding that his body just wasn’t going to let him relax and not think about how his best friend is in the hospital. Evan _knows_ Connor is okay, knows that he’s not in danger of dying or anything, at least not right now, but his brain just won’t stop thinking about the events that happened, thinking about how Connor tried to kill himself and he never even said he was feeling like that to Evan.

He spends most of the morning deciding on if he wants to go to the hospital or not. He wants to see Connor more than anything. Wants to like, hold his hand or something. Prove he’s alive. But he’s scared. Scared that maybe Connor won’t want to see him. Scared that Connor won’t look like Connor. Scared that maybe this is all happening too fast and he just… doesn’t know how to deal with it all. Doesn’t know how to process everything that’s happened.

He decides to go when he finally gets up that morning and his mom is making both of them breakfast, looking almost as tired as he is. “We don’t have to stay long,” She says, dishing out the eggs onto two plates for them. “But I think it would do wonders for both you and Connor to see each other. I’m sure he’d love to see you,” She says. And Evan nods.

They wait until Cynthia texts Heidi and says it’s a good time to go before getting ready to leave, and suddenly Evan feels out of place. Connor would hate a card and he’d really hate flowers, but. Evan feels like maybe showing up empty-handed isn’t nice either even though he knows he’s going to, and.

He stops. Takes a deep breath. And sighs.

The ride to the hospital feels shorter than it ever has before, and when they arrive Evan numbly follows his mom up the steps and down the hall to Connor’s room, where they stop just outside his door. “Are you ready?” Heidi asks.

Evan wants to say no. Truthfully, he wants to turn around and leave and like, never return. He wants to pretend that he isn’t about to open the door to that hospital room and see his best friend lying there recovering from a suicide attempt, and he really doesn’t know what he’s going to say to him.

But he nods anyway, trying to smile at his mom as she rubs his arm. And then turns around and opens the door.

Connor looks up and almost looks excited to see them. He gives them a half smile, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose slightly, which. Evan hated how much he found that adorable. Probably because Connor almost never wore his glasses anymore.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Heidi smiles, walking over for a hug. Connor surprisingly leans in for it, hugging her briefly before leaning back against his pillows. “You look like you’re doing okay. How are you feeling?”

Connor shrugs, watching Evan as he moved to stand at the end of the bed. “I’m okay,” He finally says, but his voice is soft and distant and Evan wonders if he’s even telling the truth. “I have a really bad headache and I feel sick, but I guess it could be worse.”

“That’s the withdrawal,” Heidi says, and Evan almost cringes at how much she sounds like a nurse right now instead of a friend’s parent. “You’ll start feeling better soon.”

Connor nods like he’s already been told that a million times before, and then turns his attention to Evan. “Hey,” He says quietly. And Evan smiles back.

“Hey,” He replies. And then walks to stand on the side of the bed.

Cynthia, Larry and Heidi all step out for a few minutes, giving the boys some time to talk without them sitting there listening. Evan stands for a while, but Connor looks at him and sighs, gesturing towards the chair where his mom just was. “You can sit there.”

Evan nods, sitting down quickly at Connor’s bedside. He pauses for a moment, but then reaches up and takes Connor’s hand in his. “I’m um, I’m glad you’re okay,” He mumbles. And then feels wrong for saying it.

Connor’s silent for a few minutes, which doesn’t really make Evan feel any better. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. You… I didn’t want you to have to come visit me.”

Evan sighs. “You um, you could’ve told me you felt like this.”

Connor shakes his head. “You have a million things going on right now. You didn’t… you don’t need to worry about me. I can figure this out.”

“Connor —“ Evan begins. But Connor cuts him off.

“The plan was to be dead so that you could move on with your life and not have to be here. I wasn’t supposed to live. No one was supposed to find me before I was dead.”

Evan cringes. “W-we want to help.” Evan looks up, quickly realizing that Connor is crying. “Connor, I… I don’t want you to um, to hide how you feel.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry. No one should,” He mumbles. “God, I wish I would’ve just died.”

“Please don’t say that,” Evan says. Connor sighs. “I… I need you here. Even if… even if you don’t think I do.”

Connor doesn’t say anything, but he squeezes Evan’s hand and Evan rubs his finger across the back of Connor’s skin, mumbling about how it’s going to be okay.

“I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore,” Connor says, using his free hand to wipe away the tears. “I’m awful and I’m dragging you down and you shouldn’t have to deal with me, too. You can leave if you want. I’ll understand. You should’ve left years ago.”

Evan leans forward in the chair, using his free hand to rub Connor’s arm. “Connor, I-I’m not leaving,” He says. Connor looks over. “I would… I'd never leave. Y-you need me. I’m going to be here.”

Connor gives him a wobbly smile, one that looks so broken and defeated and Evan’s heart breaks just looking at him. “Okay,” he whispers, like maybe he doesn’t believe it but he’s too afraid to say that.

Evan just smiles, squeezing his hand and letting Connor calm down, the two of them sitting in virtual silence.

Evan was willing to sit like this for hours if it meant Connor felt better.

—

Cynthia knows it’s been a while since Zoe left the room. She’s texted with her a few times, waits for Heidi and Evan to arrive, and then texts Zoe to meet her in the courtyard of the hospital.

She excuses herself from her husband and Heidi’s conversation as she makes her way downstairs, exhaustion seeping in more than ever. There’s a few other people in the courtyard enjoying the surprisingly mild summer day, but it takes Cynthia only a brief second to find her daughter sat on one of the benches, kicking her feet against the concrete pavement.

“Hi, baby,” Cynthia says, sitting down next to her. “Do you feel a little better?” She asks.

Zoe sighs. “I don’t know. I just… I needed some air. I tried to talk to him but we didn’t get anywhere and I just got so frustrated. It’s like he doesn’t even want help.”

Cynthia nods, reaching over to take her daughter’s hand. “This isn’t going to be instant. And while a lot of mine and your father’s focus is on Connor, I’m worried about you, too. I don’t want you to close yourself off. I want you to talk to me, okay?”

Zoe doesn’t even hesitate before she nods, but Cynthia knows that doesn’t mean she actually will talk to her. At least not willingly. “I didn’t think it would be this hard to see him. I thought… I thought maybe if I saw him I’d realize that I still didn’t like the person he is and I’d be able to get past that if he wanted. I don’t know why I thought he’d be any different.”

“He needs time, Zoe,” Cynthia says. And then realizes that she’s blindly defending her son. “I think with time you two can repair things, but it’s not instant. It won’t be instant.”

Zoe nods. Sighs. And then looks at her mom after a minute. “How is he?” She asks timidly, like maybe she’s afraid to hear the answer.

Cynthia smiles at the question, sighing as she folds her hands in her lap. “He’s doing okay. Heidi and Evan are here now, Evan’s in with him. He looked happy to see him, which I guess is better than nothing,” She says, turning to face her daughter. “He’s going to have a psych evaluation in an hour or two, and then they’re going to start him on medication.”

“Dad said yes to meds?” Zoe seems surprised, and Cynthia frowns.

“He’s not getting to say no. This… this has gone too far. Connor needs help and he needs it now, and his doctor thinks that therapy and medication is what we’re going to go with since stays in rehabs and other places didn’t work the first time around.”

Zoe doesn’t argue that it’s because Larry pulled Connor out of the rehabs or treatments that Cynthia had found for him too early for them to do anything. She just nods and looks back at her mom. “When does he get to come home?”

Cynthia looks a little unsure about that. “If all goes well, in a few days. A lot of it has to do with how he reacts to the medication is therapist will prescribe later today. As long as there’s no adverse reactions and he’s responding, then he’ll be home in two or three days. If he needs more time, then we’ll go day by day.”

Zoe nods, sighing. “Is it bad if I don’t want to see him again today? Like, I know I should. He’s my older brother, I should want to help him. But. I just… I can’t.”

Cynthia bites the inside of her lip. “I understand, Zo. Maybe we can try tomorrow? He should be on meds by then, he’ll have talked to the therapist for the first time, and things my be better. He may feel better then, too.”

“I hope so,” She says, and she means it. “He’s not a nice person, but he doesn’t deserve this.”

Cynthia nods. “I know,” She whispers, pulling Zoe into her side. “You and your brother are _the best_ things that have ever happened to me. Ever. And it’s so hard knowing that your baby doesn’t want to live anymore, and I want you to know that if this was you in his shoes I would be do everything the same. I love both of you, and I will do anything to see the two of you happy.”

“Thank you,” Zoe whispers. “I think Connor would be grateful for that.”

“I hope so,” Cynthia sighs. “I know I’ve done some things wrong, but I think this is where we start over. Where we make this better.”

Zoe nods, and the conversation virtually ends there. Although none of them make any effort to move, too in love with the peace the courtyard brought in an otherwise stressful environment.

“I can ask Heidi if she minds dropping you off at home since you came with us. If you want to hang out with friends you’re more than welcome to, but baby I need you to check in with me.”

“Okay,” Zoe agrees, mostly because she knows how worried her mom has been and Connor has only made it worse, and she thinks it’s the least she can do.

Her conversation with her mom rings through her mind, and although Zoe doesn’t have much faith that things will ever be better with Connor, it’s a start. And one that she thinks she can build off of if Connor gives her the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos :)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday!


	4. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan worries, Connor makes progress and things are slightly tense.

To put it plainly, Evan doesn’t really have many friends.

He had Connor, sure, who had been friends with him since that day in kindergarten where they played with each other on the playground. They were really inseparable since then, although if you were to ask Evan he’d probably admit that sometimes it wasn’t easy maintaining that friendship. That sometimes he was almost positive that Connor didn’t want him around anymore. That he was waiting for him to just leave so that Connor could be alone.

And then he had Jared Kleinman. Who he’d been friends with since birth practically because their moms were friends in high school and stayed in touch, and. Evan just… didn’t always see eye to eye with Jared. They had like been friendly all these years, but when they got to middle school and Jared had made new friends he also almost became to cool for Evan, and their conversations had turned to just happening when Jared needed something.

As they grew, their friendship began to rekindle. They hung out more now, although Evan mostly felt anxious around Jared and rarely could spend time with any of Jared’s friends because they were just… they were a lot and Evan just like, couldn’t handle it most of the time which he hated because he wanted more than just a few friends he just… he couldn’t.

But now he finds himself walking to Jared’s house just hours after he left Connor at the hospital with a promise to be back the next day and his head is swimming and he just wants someone other than his mom to talk to but. He doesn’t know if Jared is that person. If they’re close enough where Evan can trust Jared and have him not be a dick about something he’s seriously worried about.

Jared and Connor don’t get along. They haven’t, not for years, and Evan doesn’t know if that would ever change. Jared made fun of Connor a lot. Called him a school shooter, told him that he’s batshit out of his mind. Evan cringed every time. Swore to Connor that he didn’t agree with Jared. Tried to get Jared to stop. But it never worked.

And Connor somehow understood that Evan was just staying civil with Jared because he had to, and that he knew Evan didn’t think those things but Evan thought maybe in the back of Connor’s mind he did think that Evan thought all of those things and he was just lying to Connor’s face so that he didn’t put himself in danger.

He had to stop himself and control his breathing before his mind started spiraling.

Jared seems genuinely excited to see Evan, which. Evan doesn’t understand. It’s not that he’s not excited to see someone other than his mom, but this was Jared. And Jared isn’t really one to pick up on other people’s feelings and he’s already had an exhausting day and really an exhausting few days, and he just… he doesn’t know if coming to Jared’s was the right idea in this moment.

“You haven’t hung out with me in forever! What gives?” Jared asks, walking back into the kitchen where Evan followed him.

Evan sighs. Shrugs, and then looks back at Jared. “I-I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just uh, I’ve had a lot going on? Apprentice Park Ranger and stuff,” Evan says. Because it’s not a lie, he had been working at Ellison State Park a few times a week as an Apprentice Park Ranger and it _had_ been time consuming, but he also didn’t think he could just tell Jared that he’d been spending whatever free time he had left with Connor Murphy.

Jared doesn’t seem phased, nodding anyway. “I’m going back to camp in a few days. You have to hang out with me before then, okay? Like, you can’t just become a stranger because it’s summer and we don’t see each other in school.”

“Y-yeah, okay,” Evan nods, but he seems unsure. And he knows Jared notices.

“Dude, are you okay? You’re like, hyperventilating,” Jared says, and. Evan takes a deep breath. Taps his fingers on the granite as if that’s going to magically calm him down. And then looks back at Jared.

“I know you don’t like him but um, but Connor is… he’s in the hospital and he’s… he’s sick and I-I’ve just been worried.”

And it’s not totally the truth, Evan knows. But it’s something, and somehow it makes him feel better, like the weight has been lifted off his chest and he’s not struggling as much, and although it’s not everything that Evan could’ve said, it’s enough.

Jared sighs. Chews on the inside of his lip, and looks back at Evan. “Dude, I’m sorry. I had no idea. Did you go see him yet?” Jared asks. He seems genuine, like maybe he really is worried about Connor even if they didn’t get along.

Evan nods. “H-he was awake, but. I-I don’t know. I know he’s… he’s going to be fine, but. It’s just scary.”

Jared nods like he understands. “Well, when you see him again you can tell him I said I hope he feels better. Like honestly. I know he and I aren’t the greatest of friends, but I don't want him to be in the hospital. That sucks.”

Evan thanks him quietly, and then lets Jared change the subject as they go to watch movies in favor of being outside in the blazing sun. It’s a distraction that Evan’s needed, but the whole time they’re watching the movie Evan’s mind drifts back to Connor and how he’s feeling, and how Evan wishes he could just make him better instantly without having to go through all of this.

—

Two days into Connor’s hospital stay Zoe felt like she was making progress with him. She tells herself it’s because he’s on meds now, he’s actually listening to the doctors because he’s forced to, and he’s talked to a therapist. Which. She knows he hates, but it’s actually working and sitting in her brother’s hospital room isn’t nearly as unbearable as it had been the first day when she and Connor got in a fight.

Larry had been forced to go into work that morning, a meeting that he couldn’t reschedule taking place. Zoe doesn’t say anything, but she heard her parents fighting about it after she had gone to bed the night before. Cynthia had said that it was like he didn’t even care that Connor was taking steps to recovery, and Larry had argued that meds and a therapist weren’t going to make Connor better.

It’s the exact thing that would’ve set Connor off if he was home. He would’ve been throwing things, screaming that he needed help. Cynthia would be trying to calm him down, which would only make him freak out more. And then he’d probably threaten to kill Zoe, just because he can because she’s there at the top of the steps listening to the whole argument.

Larry had gone to bed early that night, and when Zoe stepped out of the shower when the air was still thick with tension and it was obvious her parents weren’t happy with each other she finds her mom going through Connor’s room, removing anything that he could use to hurt himself when he got home from the hospital.

It’s the next morning when she wakes up and finds the door is gone from his hinges. And decides that was Larry’s doing.

The first two days of Connor’s hospitalization are almost painful to go to, because Connor doesn’t say much and he genuinely looks like he wishes Colin Harris would walk through the door in favor of his sister, which. Is rude, because Colin’s a dick and hates Connor more than Zoe hates him.

But then he starts on the meds and it’s definitely _not_ an instant change, but Connor doesn’t seem as pissed off to see Zoe walk in that morning, carrying his own pillow that smells like his shampoo with a hint of weed. He even lets her help settle it behind him, and when she sits in the chair his mom had been in, he doesn’t protest.

He doesn’t even argue when Cynthia announces she’s going to get them something for lunch since Connor’s nurses would be bringing his food in soon.

“You keep coming back,” Connor says after a moment. Zoe turns to look at him, and tries to act like maybe he doesn’t seem completely shocked that she willingly keeps coming back to visit him.

Zoe shrugs, sighing. “I mean, you are my brother. It sucks that you’re here, sucks that you like. Feel like this. And you suck and I’m sure I’m not the person you want to see, but. Maybe one day we can fix… this. And we can be friends again.”

Connor’s silent for a moment, and instantly Zoe thinks she said something wrong. Like maybe she’s pushing this too quickly or she assumed that Connor would want to be friendly again, and. She probably ruined it before she even started.

“I’m a shitty brother,” Connor says quietly. Zoe looks up, finding him staring at the wall. “I literally have threatened to kill you a million times. You’ve barricaded yourself in your room. You hid away from me because you had to. But now I’m here because I even suck at killing myself, and you’ve been here every day.”

“I’ll probably never forgive you for all the shit you’ve put me through,” Zoe says. She feels like she needs to be brutally honest. Even if he’s not ready for it. “But all you’ve ever wanted was help. Even when you were threatening to kill me, you were usually yelling at Mom and Dad about how they took you off your meds, or they pulled you out of therapy because they said it wasn’t helping even though you said it did. I… I don’t think you threatened to kill me because you meant it.”

Connor nods. “I don’t know if these meds are going to work, but. I need you on my side. I need someone on my side. And I don’t deserve to have you because of how horrible I am, but.”

Zoe sighs. “You’re my older brother. This isn’t going to magically get better, but. If you’re willing to work on it, then so am I.”

“Okay,” Connor says quietly. And turns his hand so Zoe can take it. She stares at his arms for far too long, noticing the faint scars and ones that are newer lining his skin until she realizes that Connor is staring at her and she feels her cheeks blush bright red.

“Sorry,” She mumbles, but takes his hand anyway and lets him hold it.

And Connor sighs. “It’s okay. I… I get it.” Zoe knows he doesn’t. She knows he’s mad. And so she stares at the blanket covering his legs, letting her eyes blur with the small pattern on it.

And thinks about how she’s holding her brother’s hand for the first time since they were little. And it feels… it feels okay.

—

There are moments where Cynthia looks at her little boy and is transported back to when he was six years old. He was a mama’s boy then, always wanting to be with her, helping in the kitchen with dinner or when she would bake treats for his class, or even when she went to run errands. She was the one he called for when he had a bad dream or when he didn’t feel good and just wanted her to lay with him.

She was also the one who he directed a lot of his anger to at the beginning of all of this, and yet she was the only one who listened to him. Tried to get him help.

The moments in the hospital when it’s just the two of them don’t come often, Cynthia finds. It’s never gotten easier to sit by his bed promising him that it’s going to get better, but. She can’t bear to leave his side any more than she has to. Which is every night.

Cynthia doesn’t know if it’s from his therapy session or something else, but he seems on edge. He’s on medication right now, still struggling with the limbo it brings when his body is first adjusting to them. He’s going through withdrawal, which makes him feel sick most of the time, but Cynthia secretly likes how it’s forcing him to wear his glasses. She’s always loved them, which she realizes is probably the exact reason he stopped wearing them — because she liked it.

“Is Dad not coming tonight?” Connor asks, his head falling to the side. It’s the first thing he’s said since she came back in the room after his therapy session, and his voice is so quiet that she’s almost startled by it. “Like… he’s not here. And you have to leave soon, right?”

Cynthia sighs. She’s been thinking about how she was supposed to approach this for hours. If Connor would even ask where his father was, or if he’d even care. “He had a work meeting,” She says quietly, and then watches her son visibly deflate. “He wanted to be here, baby. He tried to move this to a later day, tried to make it for when you’re out of the hospital, but he couldn’t.”

Connor nods. Sighs. And then looks back to his mom. “He doesn’t care, does he?” He asks. The hurt is evident in his eyes. “Like his son is super fucked up and now that I tried to kill myself and I’m being forced into therapy and onto meds he’s going to hate me more, right? And then eventually after a few weeks when these aren’t working he’s going to rip them away, right? Because he’s ashamed to have a son like me.”

“Connor —“

“You can tell me, you know. You can tell me that I’m right, Mom. That my own dad is ashamed of me.”

And then he’s crying. And Cynthia doesn’t even think for a second before she’s standing up and pulling her son against her chest as best she can, rubbing his back. Shushing him. Trying to calm him down.

“Your father is _not_ ashamed of you,” Cynthia says firmly, pulling Connor from her chest when he’s calmed down. “Do you understand me? He is not. And if I have to spend the rest of my life convincing you of that, and if your father has to convince you of that, then we will.”

Connor hiccups, pulling his glasses off of his face so he could rub at his eyes. “Then why isn’t he here? And why won’t he talk to me when he is here?”

Cynthia doesn’t have an answer for that. “You know how hard this is for him, baby. We know you need help. We’re going to get you that help. But it’s not easy for him to accept that maybe everything he thought was right, isn’t.”

“I could’ve told him that. I did tell him that.” Connor’s voice is weak, shaky even, and Cynthia gives him a half smile.

“I know,” She whispers. Like maybe she understands. “But you’re going to get all the help you need now, even if you think it’s too much now and you hate me for how things are going to be. This,” she says, gesturing towards the hospital bed and around the room, “isn’t somewhere I want you to have to be. And I’m going to do anything that I can to make sure you don’t feel like this again and you don’t have to be here because of this.”

Connor nods. And maybe uncharacteristically he reaches out, taking her hand. Cynthia’s heart flutters at that, squeezing it gently as she runs her fingers over his rough skin, trying not to look at the scars lining his arms.

She lets a few minutes pass, Connor in his own little world, staring at the wall in front of him. “So, your doctor said as long as you stay stable tonight you’ll be able to come home tomorrow,” She finally says, Connor shifting his attention to look at her. He tries to smile, but it’s obvious he’s still upset. “Do you want to talk about it? Or do you just want quiet?”

Connor sighs, pulling his hand away from his mother’s and rubbing at his eyes once more, pushing his glasses back onto his face. “Things are going to change, right? Like I’m probably going to be put on house arrest.”

Cynthia frowns. “I wouldn’t call it house arrest,” She reasons, but. Connor knows better. “But yes, things are going to change. For your safety though, okay?”

Connor nods. “You can tell me now. I mean, I won’t freak out. I’m too tired.”

Cynthia doesn't know how to react to that. “I went through your room, took out anything dangerous,” She says. Starts off with the obvious. With things that Connor knew were going to have to happen. “We also took your door. Just for now,” She quickly tacks on when Connor’s eyebrows raise in concern. “We just… we can’t be too careful. This is for your own safety, and I promise you if in a few weeks you’re doing better, you can have it back."

Connor nods, taking a deep breath. “It was Dad’s idea, right? Like it was his idea to take my door because he thinks I’m going to try to sneak out again and kill myself, right?”

“Hey, baby. Take a deep breath,” Cynthia says. Connor doesn’t listen at first. And then he does take a deep breath, sinking back into the pillows. “It was your father’s idea, but it’s to keep you safe. It’s so that we don’t have to worry about it, okay? Like I said, in a few weeks you can have it back.”

Connor nods, but Cynthia doesn’t think he agrees with it or he’s even come to terms with what his mom is saying.

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep, Con. Okay? You might feel better with some sleep. I’ll wake you up before I have to leave.”

Connor nods, and Cynthia watches as he slowly drifts off to sleep, his breathing evening out.

She waits until she’s sure he’s asleep before gently pulling his glasses off, kissing his forehead and moving to get her notes that the doctor and therapist had given her, praying that they brought her some sort of clarity.

—

Cynthia has made it a habit to drive home in virtual silence after visiting hours end, mostly because it gives her a chance to think about the progress that they made that day and how her son, who was still not feeling well and was going through so much, was getting better. And they were one day closer to bringing him home.

It’s not that she was really surprised that Larry’s car was in the driveway when she got home, but. She didn’t receive a text or a call that he was done at the office she just figured maybe he had to work late. She didn’t think he would just go home and not come to the hospital that day.

She gives herself a second in the car after shutting it off to compose her thoughts. Think about what she wants to say to her husband, who right now was acting the exact way she never thought he would — and the exact way Connor had said he was.

Zoe’s curled up in the corner of the sofa when she walks in, smiling at her mom. “How is he?" She asks, which still catches Cynthia off guard because she hadn’t expected Zoe to care.

“He’s okay,” Cynthia says, toeing off her shoes and hanging her bag up. “He was feeling pretty sick when visiting hours ended so his nurses let me stay until the medicine kicked in, but they said this doesn’t mean he won’t be able to come home tomorrow. Its just means the withdrawal might be difficult while he’s home. We’ll have to keep an eye on that.”

Zoe nods, biting her lip. “Dad’s in his office.”

Cynthia frowns. “How long has he been home?”

Zoe sighs. Glances at the clock, and then turns back to her mom. “I don’t know, maybe like 45 minutes? He barely said anything to me when he came in, just that we’d figure out dinner when you got home.”

Cynthia nods, trying to smile for her daughter. “We’ll probably just order something in. I’m going to go talk to him.”

Zoe nods, and after preparing herself the best she could Cynthia walks down the hall, pausing just outside the doors to her husband’s office.

He’s typing on his computer when she opens the door, glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. “Zoe said you were in here doing some work,” She says quietly. And then sits down in one of the chairs on the opposite side of his desk. “It would’ve been nice to get a text from you saying you were coming straight home and not up to the hospital to see Connor.”

Larry sighs, typing out the last of his sentence before peering over the rim of his glasses. “I’ve been doing a million things, trying to get caught up with things I missed. I’m sorry, Cyn. It just slipped my mind to text you. How is he?”

“Okay,” Cynthia says as if she’s memorized the answer. “The withdrawal is pretty bad still so he was feeling pretty sick. I stayed with him until he felt a little better, and then I had to go.” She pauses, looking at her husband. “His doctor said that he should still be able to come home tomorrow. As long as he stays stable through the night.”

Larry looks up at his wife, eyebrows raised. “Tomorrow?” He asks, almost as if this is catching him off guard. “I want him home just as much as you, but are we sure he’s ready for tomorrow?”

Cynthia refrains from rolling her eyes. “His therapist, Dr. Taylor, said that he’s ready to be home now that he’s on medication. Obviously things won’t be perfect, but keeping him in the hospital is useless at this point and may make him worse.”

Larry nods. “Well, that’s good news then. I’m sure he’s happy about being out of the hospital.”

Cynthia nods. Takes a deep breath. And looks back at her husband. “Connor seemed upset that you didn’t come visit today,” She says softly. “I’m pretty upset you didn’t come visit today.”

Larry doesn’t say anything, not that Cynthia is surprised. She’s more… disappointed, really. That she’s going to have to carry this conversation. “Look, I know you’re confused about all of this. I know that you’re upset that Connor needs more help than what we’ve been giving him. But I’m going to beg you, _please_ give these meds and this therapy a chance. Connor… Connor needs this. And he needs our support.”

She pauses, folding her hands in her lap. “And if you don’t want to be burying your son, I suggest that you support these meds and this therapy fully. For Connor.”

The words sting. Sending a dagger straight into Larry’s heart as he sucks in a breath, looking up at his wife again.

“Okay.” Is all he says. Cynthia’s heartbroken that she doesn’t get more, that they don’t talk about this more and he doesn’t have anything to say to add to this.

But she takes it, standing up from the chair and announcing that she’s going to order pizza.

And then pray that somehow things get better when Connor gets home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, i lied about the one of the previous chapters being the longest chapter because! this one may be longer! (or just as long haha)
> 
> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos/just generally supporting this! :) 
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com 
> 
> more on tuesday!


	5. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia worries about the changes and the future, and Connor comes home.

Cynthia spends the night before she brings her son home on her iPad, looking at support groups online for parents who’s children have attempted suicide. She finds that she has a lot of the same questions as them — how they didn’t notice things were changing, how they had let it get this far, how their child had even gotten a hold of what they had used to attempt suicide — but deep down Cynthia thinks she knows the answer to at least some of them.

She _did_ notice a change in her son. Years ago, in fact. He had threatened to kill himself before, threatened to kill himself when no one else was home. It left her in fear that one day she’d come home to find him dead in his room or drowning in their pool in the backyard. And then had her promptly scheduling doctors appointments for Connor, getting him started with a therapist. But Larry didn’t take it as seriously as she did, and just as quickly as therapy had started, Connor was pulled out of it. Told to stop doing this for attention. Stop making them waste their money when it was clear nothing was wrong. And that was that.

She remembers the day they took him to rehab as if it had happened yesterday. She doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the way Connor looked at them when they went to leave, eyes wide and on the verge of tears. Like they had betrayed him. When she would talk to him through the phone or went to visit him once a week, asking him if things were getting better, if he was feeling any better, he would always say that they were. But kept his answers short.

She knew he was mad. She didn’t blame him.

Rehab wasn’t her idea. In fact, if you would’ve asked her how she felt about sending her 16 year old to a rehab facility for the summer, she would’ve said she hated it. But Connor needed more help than what they could give him, and Larry had been at his wits end about what was going on, and so Cynthia listened to what her husband and the doctors were saying. That this would be good for him, that he would be in the best care and they’d get him stabilized. He’d be better.

Sometimes she wonders if rehab made him resent them more.

Connor had been slipping away for years, and now she’s here and searching so many things late at night when she knows she should be sleeping, but she can’t stop. Because if there’s one thing she needed to do, it was to make sure that her son was in a stable and healthy environment, that he was getting better, and that letting her husband stop this treatment didn’t happen again.

They had prepared to make sure that the house was safe for Connor. It was almost like baby-proofing, Cynthia thinks. There were locks on the knife drawers now, Connor’s room had been swept through and anything they thought he could use to hurt himself was removed. Larry found the weed and pills in the back of his nightstand drawer. He’s the one who got rid of it. Cynthia didn’t think she could look at it.

They took his door away as well, and although Cynthia had tried to advocate that if there was nothing in there to use to hurt himself then he could have it, Larry didn’t agree.

It was a fight. Cynthia gave in eventually.

Life had stalled at their house, almost. Zoe had been quiet, not her normal self. Normally she’d be in her room playing guitar, or sitting in the living room watching a movie while Cynthia cooked dinner. Now she was just in her room quietly, and occasionally the last few nights she’s gone out with friends or over to Alana’s.

Cynthia eventually forces herself to shut off her iPad when the clock reads well past midnight and Larry has been asleep beside her for hours, but her mind never stops wandering to Connor. About how he’s sleeping in the hospital, if he’s stayed stable. She imagines if it was bad they would call, but. She worries.

She thinks about how things are going to change when she brings him home the next day. How Connor coming home is a chance to start new. To figure this out and get him feeling better. And she’s wildly out of her comfort zone, she knows. She doesn’t know what her son needs, but after talking to therapists, reading hundreds of forums and advice from other parents going through this, she thinks maybe she can do it.

Maybe she can help her son realize that he’s worth more alive than he thinks.

—

Connor spends most of his last night in the hospital staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how life is going to just suddenly be different when he’s back in his house the next day. He doesn’t think much will change, mostly because it’s him and even though he’s on medication this time he’s pretty sure his dad hates that and his mom had to fight with him for it, which will probably make his dad mad at him for no reason and then they’ll fight, and. Connor just doesn’t want that.

He’s still not on great terms with Zoe even though they’ve talked and things feel a little better, Connor knows deep down that it’s only a matter of time before he ruins things and they’re back to hating each other, and so. He decides it’s better to just not really get attached. Not really let Zoe in anymore than he has to.

His mom is trying, but there are times he thinks she’s still pretty disappointed and so he tries to like, tell himself that he needs to at least rely on her but it never works because all he can think about is the cycle of hurting her or betraying her and so he doesn’t know how he’s going to fix that.

All he can really think about is Evan. He doesn’t know why he’s all he thinks about, but in the end his mind races back to Evan, and how he just. He understands a little about how he’s feeling, even if Connor was a dick and Evan is definitely scared. Because this is hard for Evan, and he knows he hurt him more than he had meant to, but he’s the only person he thinks he can fix things with. He thinks maybe Evan would be the one to understand, and maybe even though he wishes he had just died Evan would be the one to be patient with him and try to help.

He tries not to think about how he could be wrong about Evan. How maybe when he gets out of the hospital Evan won’t want to be friends anymore.

“You should be asleep.” He’s startled by his nurse, Lisa, who’s middle-aged and has been working the night shift since Connor had been admitted. He was a brat the first few nights, barely cooperated when she came in for vitals. Hummed when she would ask him about his pain.

But she really wasn’t a bad person and after a night where Connor felt vulnerable — he blamed the meds and the fact that he had his first therapy session earlier that afternoon — he just… broke down. Let her in. And stopped being so rude when it was clear that she was just trying to help.

“‘m not really tired,” Connor shrugs. He shifts in the bed, holding out his arm for Lisa to take his vitals.

She hums, wrapping the blood pressure cuff around his arm. “Do you feel sicker than normal?” She asks. Connor shakes his head. “I can give you something to help you sleep. Would you want that?” She tries.

Connor shakes his head again. “I don’t like how they make me feel in the morning,” He admits. Lisa nods, and moves to take his temperature.

“Fair enough,” She smiles, writing a few things down, moving to take his pulse. “But you need to at least try to sleep. You have to be up pretty early in the morning for one last therapy session to make sure you’re ready to go home. Wouldn’t want you to be tired for that.” She pauses. “Pain level?”

Connor thinks about it for a minute, then sighs. “Like a two I guess. I don’t know, I’m more sore than anything.”

Lisa smiles. “Well, that is certainly a step up from those first few nights when you acted like soreness was a sign that you were going to die from the pain, don’t you think?” She teases. Connor doesn’t hate it.

He tries to smile. He’s pretty sure he’s grimacing. “If I’m not asleep in an hour, can you give me something then?” He asks. He feels like a child.

Lisa smiles anyway, hanging his chart back by his bed and putting everything back in its place. “Of course, sweetheart.” She assures him, rubbing his arm softly.

Connor’s surprised he’s not more agitated. He figures it’s because he’s half asleep.

“If you’re worried about tomorrow, I think it’s going to be absolutely fine, Connor. Your mom and dad have been going through some counseling away from you and they’re ready to transition you home, and as long as you’re patient and willing to take things one step at a time I think you’ll see a real change.” She smiles. Rubs his shoulder, and takes a step back. “I’ll be back in an hour. Like always, if you need me or if you want to take some sleep medicine just hit the button and I’ll be back. Try to get some rest.”

Connor nods, watching her leave and shut the door quietly behind her. And closes his eyes to fall asleep thinking about how his parents are working on getting help for themselves even though they had never said anything.

It gives him the slightest glimmer of hope.

—

Evan wakes up that morning with the sun beating down into his room, his shades drawn open. He can’t remember much of the night before, only that he had stumbled up to bed after watching a movie with his mom, falling asleep just after he had changed into clothes that were more comfortable.

It feels far too early to be awake, like maybe he should roll over and try to fall back asleep for a few more hours. But his phone buzzes beside him, left unplugged from the charger all night, and he clumsily reaches out to grab it.

Three texts from Jared.

He sighs, scrolling over and glancing at the time. 10:14. Later than he thought.

**Dude. It’s already a million degrees and my parents are both at work for the day. Come over and swim.**

**You better not bail on me, Hansen. It's been week since we hung out, come on.**

**Evan? No way you’re still asleep.**

Evan sighs. Leans up on his elbow. And tries to think of a response to Jared for a moment.

_Hey, sorry. I was still asleep. I can come over in a little bit? Wanna eat something first._

He sets his phone down, sitting up and running his fingers through his hair. He thinks about showering, but decides that he’s just going to have to shower again after the pool and so he just. Gets up. Gets changed, packs a bag. And grabs a Pop-Tart on his way out the door.

Jared doesn’t live too far, but the sun is beating down and for a moment Evan wished he had a car. He never really noticed it before — Connor would always pick him up, and if he got his car taken away Connor would always make Zoe come get Evan, but. Now Connor wasn’t home and so Evan was left walking the distance to Jared’s house, the sweat pouring down his forehead by the time he’s standing on Jared’s front step.

Jared opens the door, trying to hide his concern. “Dude, what the fuck? I would’ve come to pick you up if you just told me!” Jared says, ushering him inside.

Evan’s just grateful for the air conditioning.

“I-I’m fine. Didn’t want you to um, to have to come get me. Felt stupid,” Evan shrugs. Kicks his sandals off by the door, leaving his bag with it.

Jared rolls his eyes. “Well, whatever. Did you eat?” He asks. Evan nods.

They wait until Evan doesn’t feel like he’s dying and he downed a bottle of water faster than he ever remembered doing so before, going outside and setting everything out by the pool.

Sometimes Evan thinks back to when he and Jared were little. Things weren’t as awkward between them. They used to play the most ridiculous games for hours until their parents made them come home.

Evan had always wished Connor would hang out with them. He knew he never would, he and Jared hated each other after Jared made fun of Connor in the second grade. He thought about trying to fix things between Connor and Jared, but. He knew it would probably end badly and Evan would end up ruining it because he would get so anxious and so he just. Kept them separate.

Jared jumps in the water first, with Evan following him in not long after. It felt good to be there. Normal, almost. Like he shouldn’t have to be waiting by the phone until Connor texts him that he’s free and he’s back from the hospital. His mind even drifted from thinking about Connor at all, which. After days of Connor being the sole thing on his mind it made him feel a little better.

“Hey, how’s Murphy? Still in the hospital?” Jared asks. And suddenly Evan is thinking about him again. Staring up into the clear blue skies, wishing he could just like, sink for a few minutes. Forget about having to answer that question at all.

But. He sighs. Folds his arms over his stomach. And decides to just… be honest. “Um… yeah. He is. But he’s um, he’s getting better.”

Jared nods. Shifts to lay over the float. “Is he like… alive?”

Evan sucks in a sharp breath. Coughs. And tries to compose himself as Jared stares at him. “Y-yeah. He um, he’s coming home today I think. Or at least that’s what he um, what he said when I visited.”

Jared nods. “That’s good,” He says quietly. Evan isn’t sure if he means it.

They spend hours in the pool until they’re fingers turn to prunes and it no longer feels good against their warm skin, pulling themselves out and wrapping their towels around them. It’s mid-afternoon, and Evan knows his mom will be home soon and he should probably like, text her and tell her that he’s at Jared’s, but. All he can think about is if Connor is home and if he should just go see him instead.

And then he picks up his phone. And notices three texts from Connor.

**Hey. I got my phone back.**

**I’m finally home. It’s weird. I want you to come over but you’re probably busy right? Like you shouldn’t just drop everything for me but I’m not going to leave my house probably ever and I don’t know. Whatever it doesn’t matter.**

**I’m going to sleep. I hope I didn’t piss you off or something. Hopefully you’re just busy or you lost your phone.**

Evan panics. Dries off his hands. And immediately begins replying to Connor without thinking about what he’s saying.

_Hey sorry. I’m at Jared’s and we were in the pool and so I didn’t have my phone. I didn’t mean to._

_But it’s good you’re home! I can come over if you want. I’ll just go home and change. You can text me when you wake up and I can come over if you want. Or not. It’s okay. Just like… let me know._

He puts his phone back down on the chair. Dries off, and throws his shirt back on. “I… I should probably get going soon. My mom um, my mom will be home soon and I didn’t tell her I was going out and she’ll like, freak.”

Jared raises his eyebrows. Smiles. And nods. “Dude, I can’t believe you didn’t even text her,” He laughs. Evan laughs uneasily, following him back into the house. “Do you want a ride home?”

“N-No. I’ll be fine to walk.” Jared sighs.

“Okay… but don’t become a stranger this summer. I’m going to camp in a few days for two weeks, but you can come over literally whenever,” Jared says. Evan nods. Thanks him quietly. And grabs his things.

The walk home feels shorter than the walk there, and his mom’s car isn’t in the driveway when he’s back, which. Is a good thing. But Connor also hasn’t texted him back and Evan tells himself it’s because he’s sleeping but he can’t convince himself and it just sends him spiraling. Wishing that he could like, just stop thinking that Connor suddenly hates him.

He walks upstairs to change and set his things out to dry, trying to occupy his mind with his phone still firmly in his hand, praying that Connor would just text him back.

—

Connor sits in the back seat of his dad’s car on the way home from the hospital, staring at everything passing him by. It feels like he’s been gone for years, almost like the time he was sent to rehab for the summer and returned home actually missing little things that he never thought he would. Like the convenience store. Or the movies. Or… Evan.

He tried not to think about the fact that every freedom that he once had had been stripped away. He knows his bedroom door is gone, he knows his parents have gone through his room and taken out anything dangerous. He knows that he’s basically being treated like a baby. But. He deserves it. In some twisted way, he deserves it. He just. Didn’t think he’d be this upset over it.

His mom has tried to say a few things to him on the way home, but Connor only mumbles answers or shrugs and so she gives up. His dad is silent. Which. Connor expected. He doesn’t think he’s totally on board with the amount of therapy he’s going to have to take his son to now. The amount of therapy he’s going to have to participate in himself, too.

They pull in the driveway and Connor slowly gets out of the car, following his mom to the front door. She unlocks it, and without thinking about it Connor kicks off his shoes as if he had just been out for the afternoon, as if he hadn’t even been in the hospital.

“Do you want something to eat, sweetheart?” Cynthia asks, but Connor just shakes his head. And sighs.

“I’m just going to go upstairs. Maybe shower,” He shrugs.

Cynthia looks hurt. But she nods. “Do you want me to cut your hospital bracelets off?”

Connor has to take a deep breath so he doesn’t freak out. It’s only scissors, he doesn’t understand why he can’t use them, even right in front of his mom. It’s not like he’s going to stab himself with them right in front of her, or like, slice his wrists again, but. He knows this is a learning process. And his mom is going to have to learn to trust him again.

So. He nods. Follows her into the kitchen. And lets her hold his hand lightly while she cuts off the three hospital bracelets, acting like she doesn’t see the faint scars lining his arms as she does so. Connor’s grateful for that. That she hasn’t said anything about them at all. None of his family has.

He thanks her quietly, turning back on his heels and making his way upstairs without saying another word. He hears his dad leave to go back to work, and then sits on his bed and wonders why his dad can’t think of anyone but himself.

He stares at his feet for a while, mostly trying to figure out if it was worth it to shower. It had been days since his last shower, which. Really wasn’t that big of a deal. He had definitely gone longer between showers when he was super depressed. But there was also a hospital stay mixed in with this stretch of no showering and he just felt gross and weird, like the hospital was the worst place to be when in reality it was insanely sterile.

“Oh, you’re home.” He’s broken from his trance by Zoe, who stands in his doorway after walking by. He thinks about ignoring her. Not looking up, pretending he didn’t hear her. “I… I’m glad to see you out of the hospital.”

And so he looks up. And sighs. “Thanks,” He mumbles, which really doesn’t sound all that sincere and he really doesn’t now what else to say

Zoe nods. Lingers in the doorway for a second. And sighs. “Um, do you need anything or? Like do you want me to get you anything? Or we can hang out if you want.”

Connor shakes his head, folding his hands in his lap. “I’m good. Probably just gonna shower. Or sleep.”

Zoe sighs, nodding. “Okay, well. You know where my room is.”

She leaves before he replies, finding the whole thing too awkward for her to deal with. Connor doesn’t move. Doesn’t do much of anything, really.

Just pulls his phone from the bag his mom gave him in the car, turns it back on, and scrolls through until he finds Evan’s contact.

He texts Evan, and after three texts with no reply he decides to give up, pulling his glasses off and laying down. He ends up falling asleep with his phone in his hand and doubts in his mind that anyone is really going to be there for him.

—

Heidi opens the front door to her house a whole hour earlier than normal, Evan walking down the steps not long after. “I-I didn’t think you’d be home this early,” He says. Rubbing his hands together.

Heidi smiles, setting her things down. “Well, they let me go a little early today,” She shrugs, hanging up her purse. “I talked to Cynthia on my way home. Connor is home.”

Evan nods. And bites on his lip. “Y-yeah. He texted me. I um, I didn’t see them because I went to Jared’s to swim, but now he hasn’t answered me. He said he was sleeping, but. It’s been over an hour,” Evan says. Glancing at his phone.

Heidi frowns. “She said he basically went right up to his room. He’s probably exhausted, I can’t imagine that he got a good night’s sleep in the hospital, and sometime withdrawal can make it hard to sleep.” Evan nods. “I said we’d bring them dinner. One less thing she has to worry about. She said she’d ask Connor what she wants.”

Evan nods. “So we’ll eat there?”  
“Yeah, is that okay?”

Evan nods again. And sighs. He tries not to think about if Connor was even going to want to see him now or if he would ever want to see him at all after he just ignored his texts which he didn’t even mean to do he just… he knows he’s being ridiculous.

So he turns on the TV, trying to distract his mind while he waits for Connor to text back or Heidi to say that they were leaving. And prays that that night won’t be that awkward at the Murphy’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm just going to stop saying that chapters aren't as long as that one because apparently that is a lie haha. you will get to see dinner with the Murphy's and Hansen's, by the way! It was just far too long to fit into this chapter :)
> 
> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr: for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday!


	6. Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Hansen's come for dinner, Evan and Connor talk, and Larry is vocal about his feelings

Cynthia ends up texting Heidi back before Connor texts Evan, saying that Connor probably wouldn’t mind pizza and that they could come over whenever. Evan tried not to take it personally, tried to tell himself that maybe Connor had lost his phone, or he just like… forgot to hit send or something. But it only makes him panic more because if Connor really was mad Evan was going to his house and there was nowhere Evan could run away to to avoid Connor.

But now he finds himself sitting in the passenger seat of his mom’s car with two pizzas on his lap, and the Murphy’s house feels closer than it ever has before. Which. Isn’t what he wanted.

He can remember being so little, when he would spend most of his summers going to the Murphy’s house and the drive over there felt like hours, like maybe they’d never reach there. He used to get so antsy sitting the back seat, asking his mom a million times if they were almost there when in reality they didn’t live that far away.

Now he feels like they get there in record time, pulling into the driveway and parking behind Larry’s car. “It’ll be fine, sweetheart. I’m sure he just lost his phone or something,” Heidi smiles when she shuts the car off, almost as if she’s able to read Evan’s mind.

Evan nods, but he doesn’t really feel like that calmed him down at all. He steps out of the car, handing the pizza boxes to his mom as he follows her to the door, wondering the whole time how long it would take for him to run home if he just like… started now.

The door opens before he can figure it out, Cynthia smiling as she ushers both of them in. She looks tired, but then Evan thinks about how she’s probably been awake worrying about Connor, and he just. Feels bad, he thinks. “It was so nice of you to bring over dinner. You really didn’t have to do this,” She insists, taking the boxes from Heidi and leading both of them towards the kitchen. “Evan, Connor is up in his room if you wanted to go get him, tell him dinner is here.”

Evan feels bad saying no, mostly because Cynthia looks so happy that they’re there and he knows that Connor probably hasn’t said much of anything to them, so she would have no idea if Connor is mad at him or hates him or anything. So. He nods, walking upstairs and down the familiar hallway until he’s standing outside of Connor’s room.

The door is gone, something Evan figures was probably Larry’s idea in an effort to keep Connor from trying to hurt himself in his room. He can see Connor when he peers around the corner, his back facing Evan. He looks asleep, and for a moment Evan thinks about just leaving him and going back downstairs to tell them that he was resting, but. Connor stops him.

“I heard the front door open. I’ll be down in a minute to see them,” He says, and for a moment Evan figures that he thinks it’s probably his mom or something.

“Hey,” He says quietly, and then immediately regrets it. It sounds foreign, like maybe they don’t know each other at all and Evan doesn’t want that to be the case.

Connor rolls over. Opens his eyes. And realizes that it’s Evan standing in his doorway and not his mom.

“Oh, hey,” He says. There’s a hint of a smile on his face, and he sits up to reach for his glasses, pushing them on his face. “I thought you were my mom. She’s been coming up here like every 10 minutes. She thought I was asleep for most of them.”

Evan smiles, walks in and sits in the desk chair next to Connor’s bed. “I um, I’m sorry I didn’t text you back sooner.”

Connor shrugs, glancing at his phone. “It’s fine. You were with Jared. I can’t expect you to just drop everything and come to me,” He says, which. Evan knows. But he still feels bad, like maybe he should’ve at least checked his phone when he knew that Connor was going home that morning.

“So, you brought pizza?” Connor asks, cutting the silence. “Thank you for that, seriously. The hospital food wasn’t great, but if I had to deal with my mom’s vegan food she’s still trying for the first night home I probably would’ve died.”

Connor freezes before Evan does. Which. Evan thinks maybe is a good sign. “Sorry. Too soon, right?” He asks, but Evan just shrugs.

“It’s cool,” He says, and Connor nods. Evan watches as he runs his fingers through his hair, swinging his legs over the bed. He watches him carefully, noticing how he looks a little weaker and maybe a little skinnier. He tries not to say anything, but sometimes his mind gets the better of him. “Do you need help?” He asks. And then quickly shakes his head.

“S-sorry I know you’re probably fine I just… I shouldn’t have asked I’m sorry.”

Connor smiles. “Evan, it’s okay.” He seems sincere. Like maybe things had changed a little. “I get it, okay? I just… my mom is so overbearing already and I really don’t want you to treat me any differently than you did before. I get it if it’s hard, I just. I need something normal in my life because literally nothing else is.”

Evan nods. Apologizes quietly. And then tries not to stare when Connor finally lifts himself out of bed, ignoring the fact that he grimaced a little as he steadied himself on his feet.

He follows Connor downstairs, where Heidi promptly pulls the much taller boy in for a hug. Evan’s pretty sure Connor hates it, but he doesn’t argue and instead wraps his arms around her, smiling softly. “You look so good, Connor. Do you feel better being home?”

It was a loaded question. Evan didn’t think he loved it, but. It had to be better than being in the hospital, he thinks. Like he doesn’t think anything really gets worse than that.

“It’s nice being home, yeah,” Connor says, which doesn’t really sound like a definitive answer but also doesn’t make him sound completely miserable, which feels like a success.

They sit down at the table as if Cynthia had made some gourmet meal, and Evan slots himself into the seat next to Connor like he normally would when he stayed for dinner. Zoe sat across from them with Heidi right beside her, and for a moment Evan felt awkward. Like maybe these people weren’t people he had known most of his life, maybe he shouldn’t be there. Maybe it was all too soon.

Connor picks at his food more than he eats it, but no one says anything and Larry just turns away when Connor asks if he can be excused, Cynthia smiling softly at her son. “Sure, sweetheart.” Her voice is sickly sweet, like maybe she was willing to say yes to anything Connor wanted just because it would make him happy right now, not that Evan thought that was really the case.

Connor nudges Evan's elbow on his way up from the table, Evan finishing his slice of pizza before excusing himself to go with Connor, the two of them walking back upstairs. Connor takes slower steps, leaving time for Evan to keep up with him this time as opposed to normal when Evan feels like he needs to run just to keep up with the taller boy.

“Would shut my door, but,” Connor sighs, nodding towards the doorframe. “My dad thinks I shouldn’t have a door to keep me safe. Said maybe in a few weeks I could have it back,” Connor shrugs. Swallows harshly, almost as if he’s trying not to cry. “I… I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“It might,” Evan says, trying to stay optimistic. He waits for Connor to sit on his bed, and then he sits in the desk chair, not wanting to crowd Connor’s space. “I mean like, maybe they’ll understand? Maybe… maybe they’ll see that you’re getting better and they’ll um, give you a little more freedom.”

Connor bites his lip. And shrugs. “I mean, who knows if I’m even going to get better. I just… being out of the hospital is so much harder than I thought it was going to be, and it’s only been a few hours. I… I don’t know, Evan."

Of all the things Evan thought he would talk about with Connor today, this wasn't any of them. He just… thought maybe Connor wouldn’t want to talk about anything like this, like maybe he’d want to avoid talking about the fact that he was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself and now he’s back home because his doctors think that’s a good idea even though Evan can tell now that Connor might not feel the same way.

“I don’t… I think you’re going to get better, Connor,” Evan says. It doesn’t sound convincing. “You’re on meds now. You’re um, you’re talking to someone. I just… I think maybe this time is maybe um, maybe the time that it all works?”

Connor's silent for a moment. “Therapy in the hospital sucked,” He says. And falls back against his pillows. “All they kept asking me was if I still felt suicidal or if I was going to do it again. How long I had been planning everything. Then they told me that when they put me on meds my mom was going to have to give them to me for a while until I prove that I’m not going to like, abuse them or anything. Which is dumb and makes me feel like I’m 5. I don’t need my mom to help me.”

"Therapy isn’t fun, Connor,” Evan says. “Sorry,” He apologizes quickly. Not wanting to upset Connor anymore than he probably already has. “They just… they want you to be safe. They can’t um, they can’t let you leave until they know you’re not still suicidal. A-and it’s not that bad having your mom help you.”

Connor nods. “You don’t have to stay my friend if you don’t want to. Like you’re probably worried about what people will say when we go back to school and I’m sure they’ll all think you’re a freak staying friends with me. How could you be friends with the kid that tried to kill himself but couldn’t even fucking do that right? How are you supposed to be friends with a kid who can’t even succeed in killing himself?”

“Connor,” Evan says sharply, cutting his ramblings off. “I-I want to be friends with you. I’m not… I’m not going to go anywhere just because you said that people are going to say things. They… they say things about me already.”

Connor doesn’t say anything.

“I-If you need space, then fine. But um, but I’m not leaving you.”

“Thank you,” Connor whispers. Evan looks at him, wondering if he’s crying. “I… my mom is the only one who’s like… trying I guess. And I just… I don’t think I’ll survive if I only have her. I need you, Evan.”

His words are out of desperation, like when he was 5 and used to beg his mom for an ice cream when they went to the store in the summer. Evan remembers that almost too clearly, remembers how Connor would put on this sweet voice and make the face that he knew his mother couldn’t resist, and if it didn’t work he would then turn to dramatics. As if he was going to die without the ice cream.

Only now he’s begging Evan to help him when Evan doesn’t even know if he can help himself, but his best friend never asks for anything and so. Evan nods. And leans over to grab Connor’s hand.

“I’m not going anywhere,” He says, which. Might be the most sincere thing in the whole conversation.

Connor nods, and then proceeds to fail at hiding the fact that he was crying as he pulls his hand from Evan’s, rubbing at his eyes. “Do you want to watch Netflix? It’s like, the only thing I have here.”

Evan nods. Slides himself into Connor’s bed beside him like he does every other time he comes over and they hang out in Connor’s room. And he let’s Connor pick an episode of _Parks and Recreation_ they’ve both seen a million times but laugh at anyway.

It feels… normal. Like Connor hadn’t just gotten out of the hospital or begged Evan to be there for him. Like their parents weren’t just downstairs probably talking about Connor, or how Zoe was just across the hall probably talking to her friends about how insane her brother was.

Evan liked this. He thinks maybe if they can stay like this…. maybe it’d be okay. Maybe they’d make it through this and somehow Connor would see that it would get better.

When Connor ends up dozing off on his shoulder he tries not to move, but instead soaks in the moment of his best friend being home and everything feeling okay.

—

Connor barely notices Evan sneak out from underneath his head, slowly standing up. “I have to go, Con. I’ll see you tomorrow if you want, okay?” He says quietly, but Connor only hums some sort of response and so Evan awkwardly leaves him to sleep as he goes back downstairs to meet his mom.

Cynthia waits a few minutes, then forces herself to go check on Connor. As if something would’ve happened in the time that the Hansen’s left and she had forced herself to clean up the kitchen. She thinks most of it has to do with her mind, like maybe if she saw him laying in bed it’d force her to realize that he’s home. But. She’s been doing it all afternoon, and although he had been sleeping she thinks maybe he knows. Maybe she’s being too overbearing and one of these times he’ll snap.

She grabs the laundry basket left next to the washing machine and uses that as an excuse to bring upstairs, climbing the steps relatively quickly and pausing outside her son’s bedroom door. She’s surprised to find him awake.

“Evan and Heidi just left. Evan said you were half asleep but that he said he’ll talk to you tomorrow,” She says softly.

Connor nods. “I heard him.”

Cynthia frowns. “Con, did you shower before they came over?” She asks, which ended up sounding more accusing than she had meant it to.

He sighs. Takes a few deep breaths. And shakes his head. “Fell asleep instead.” He glances at his phone as if there’s going to be a million messages, and then looks back at her. “I’ll do it now, I promise. I just… I’m tired.”

“I know,” Cynthia nods, as if she understands what it’s like to be depressed, still slightly suicidal and just out of the hospital. “I just think you might feel better if you took a shower, got clean. Take your time though, sweetheart. No one is rushing you.”

And Connor nods. Forces himself to sit up, taking off his glasses and grabbing his pajamas that his mom had obviously washed and folded to leave at the end of his bed, walking into the bathroom.

Cynthia hangs up the wet laundry in her own bathroom, and then goes back downstairs to find something new to occupy her mind in hopes that it helps.

—

When things were difficult with Connor, Cynthia had spent far too much time on her laptop searching the internet on things to do to help him, or if she should be getting more help. It had led to more arguing between she and Larry, but in the end she figured it was worth losing sleep over if it meant that her son was in the care he needed.

Now she finds herself laying on the sofa after bringing him home from the hospital earlier that afternoon, and things were far from perfect. Connor had spent most of his night holed up in his room, which. Cynthia really did see coming. His nurses had said sleeping didn’t come easy in the hospital, and so she thought maybe giving him a few days to adjust to being back home was the right call here.

She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was at this point.

“If he’s going to stay holed up in his room all summer, then I don’t see the point of all this therapy and medication we’re going to have him going to.” Larry is the one to break the silence, voice quiet as he flips through the channels.

“We can’t just expect him to come home and the same day be a different person. You heard his doctors, Larry. You heard that this is a process and going on medication doesn’t make things instant.” She doesn’t miss her husband roll his eyes. Sigh. And settle on some movie that she’s hated since they were dating.

“Cynthia, this is a lot of money. And if it’s not going to help him, then I… I don’t see the point.”

“He needs a chance, Larry.”

“Are you guys talking about Connor?” It’s Zoe’s voice, the two of them watching as she walks into the room, arms folded across her chest. She’s changed for bed, probably coming to say goodnight, and. Now she heard their argument.

“Don’t worry about it, Zoe,” Cynthia says quickly, a smile on her face.

Zoe’s not impressed. “If you’re talking about Connor, then you’re not letting him go off the meds. I won’t let you let him. He’s tolerable on them. And maybe it won’t get better, maybe this is just a phase and he’ll go back to his old self, but like, he’s been begging for meds for years. Maybe give them a chance?” She pauses, looking between the two of them. “Anyway, I’m going to bed. Connor is already asleep, he fell asleep after he got out of the shower. Which, by the way, he took all the hot water. So. That was rude of him. But no chance of him coming down and overhearing you guys talk about him again. Goodnight.”

She turns and walks back upstairs before they can say anything else, and Cynthia is left with a message board open on the laptop resting in her lap, her mind swirling with the thoughts that her husband isn’t as on board as she thought he was, and her little boy upstairs who is still in so much pain and she’s helpless. Because there’s so many things she wishes she could do but knows that it’s not possible.

She falls asleep that night with doubts in her mind and prayers on the tip of her tongue that somehow Connor getting the help he needs is going to magically make him better and show Larry that this is worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/leaving kudos and comments and whatever else! it really is so nice like? i don't deserve it omg. sorry this chapter wasn't as long!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday! thank you for reading :)


	7. Optimism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes to therapy, Cynthia and Connor talk, and Evan sleeps over.

When Zoe had started working at the music shop in town, Alana was arguably the most excited person out of everyone. Zoe was confused by her reaction, mostly because Alana was so conservative and never really showed an interest in music the way that Zoe had, and Zoe just. Didn’t think Alana would visit her as much as she did.

The door to the music shop opens just as Zoe begins to close up for the day. She hates when people do this, but looks up to smile anyway before realizing it was Alana.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have your internship?” Zoe asks.

Alana smiles, leaning against the front counter. “They let us go early today. Something about summer hours, I don’t know. I just made sure to get all my work done and then left. But I thought maybe you’d want to hang out when you’re done here?”

Zoe smiles, continuing to close up as she glances at the clock. “Give me five minutes and then we can go get milkshakes? I’ve been dying for one all afternoon.”

Alana laughs, nodding as she hangs out by the front, letting Zoe clean up the store.

—

After sending a quick text to her mom to let her know she’d be home late Zoe and Alana walk down the street and into the ice cream shop, promptly ordering two milkshakes and sliding into a booth near a family out for a treat.

“I’m sorry we haven’t gotten to hang out much the last few days. It’s been crazy at my internship and my mom is talking about going to visit my family for a few days. It’s a lot, really,” Alana says after taking a sip.

Zoe waves her hand, sighing. “I get it, you know? I’ve had work and I’ve been trying to stay on track with all this summer work that they gave us this year.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “And then I feel like I should be home more. For Connor. As if I’d be able to help him or he’d want me over our mom.”

Alana nods like she completely understands exactly what Zoe is going through despite the fact that she doesn’t have any siblings so she couldn’t possibly even begin to understand how Zoe is feeling. And then the question lingers on the tip of her tongue before she just decides to ask it. “How is Connor doing?”

Zoe sucks her bottom lip between her teeth, pushing her straw around through her milkshake. She knew it was coming, knew that Alana would ask and she really did seem concerned and all, but. Zoe had always struggled with talking about Connor. “He’s doing okay, I guess,” Zoe sighs. “I mean, it’s still hard to like, see him like this? But. He’s doing a little better. Talking to my mom at least, not hiding away as much as he used to. But it’s going to take time.”

Alana nods. “When I was first put on meds it took a while for me to adjust and feel okay. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for him. But I’m sure he’ll balance out soon and you’ll be able to start healing your relationship, you know?”

And Zoe nods, taking a sip of her milkshake. “I hope so. I mean, I want to fix things with him. But I also want him to be happy and I don’t want to get in the way of that,” She says quietly.

Alana smiles, nodding. “I think you will be able to fix things with him. Just don’t give up.”

It feels oddly optimistic, but Zoe feels like maybe it is that easy. Maybe if she does just stick with it, she doesn’t lose hope or think that things won’t change it really will get better faster than she ever thought it could.

She just hopes Alana is right.

—

Connor decides that being out of the hospital is better than being in it, but the house arrest his parents had basically put him on wasn’t. He just… he wanted his car keys. He wanted to be able to drive himself somewhere, have some time alone. Separate from his mom for a little. But. He kind of ruined that when he ran off and sent them on a hunt through their town to find him that night, and so he just. Dealt with it. And tried not to get mad.

The meds mostly didn’t feel any different than his normal life. Maybe a little less suicidal, but. Not all that different. He wasn’t really sure how he was supposed to feel on them. If he should like, feel a difference or if there should be something he was looking for. He thinks they might have told him in therapy or something how they were going to feel, but he spent most of his time in the hospital zoned out. Thinking about other things.

Like how Evan was probably at home or finding new friends so that when Connor was finally released from the hospital he would finally have an excuse as to why he couldn’t hang out with him anymore.

Dr. Taylor, his therapist, was a nice enough man. Middle-aged, patient. Connor didn’t mind him, really. Which was saying something considering the first time the school therapist had tried to talk to him to ask him if something was going on at home he just. Freaked out. Threw things. Yelled about how he was fine when it was obvious he wasn’t.

Dr. Taylor’s office is small, shared with another therapist that Connor had seen around the hospital he thinks. They smile at him when he checks in, then he sits in the chair next to his mom in the waiting room. “This place is nice,” She says softly. And Connor nods. Because he doesn’t feel like talking but his mom has been mostly okay today and so. He thinks she at least deserves an answer.

He doesn’t have much time to make conversation with her before Dr. Taylor appears, smiling and ushering Connor back down the hall. Connor sits down in a seat before Dr. Taylor tells him to, which. He thinks might not have been the right thing to do. But Dr. Taylor doesn’t say anything and so he just stays there.

“So, it’s been a few days since you’ve been out of the hospital. How have you been doing?” Dr. Taylor asks. Jumping right into it.

Connor shrugs. “Fine, I guess.”

“Any trouble transitioning back to home? How has your family been?”

Connor shakes his head. It’s the truth. “They’ve been… fine. Zoe and I don’t really interact much. And my dad and I don’t say much either, but. It’s not… it’s not bad.”

“So you really only talk to your mom?”

“I guess,” Connor shrugs. It sounds worse than he thought it felt. “I… Zoe and I aren’t going to be better overnight.”

“I don’t expect you guys to be,” Dr. Taylor retorts. It catches Connor off guard, not that he doesn’t like a therapist that’s to the point. “But if you want to make progress not only with yourself, you need to talk to them. Even if it’s little things. Like how their day was, or if they want something when you get up. Small conversations, then keep building.”

It sounds ridiculous. And not feasible, knowing Larry. But Connor nods anyway. Figuring maybe he could start that goal with his mom and Zoe.

“Have you seen anyone else? Outside of family?”

“My friend, Evan,” Connor shrugs. “We’ve been friends since we were like… 5 I guess. I don’t know.”

Dr. Taylor smiles. “Was it nice to see him?”

Connor nods. “He um, he goes to therapy, too. I don’t think he’s like, as bad as me or anything. But. He understands a little.”

“Well, I’m glad that you have someone aside from your family.” He pauses. Then looks back at Connor. “Connor, I have to ask, but have you been having thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself the last few nights since I’ve seen you?”

Connor sucks in a sharp breath. Caught off guard by the question. “I…. no,” He says. It sounds like a lie. “I’ve mostly just been sleeping and like, keeping to myself.”

Dr. Taylor nods. “Would you tell me if you had been thinking about it? It’s okay, Connor. I need you to be honest with me.”

Connor nods. “I would tell you,” He says quietly. Trying to convince himself.

Dr. Taylor nods. Asks him a few more questions. And then lets him leave, giving him some goals to work on for the following session that Connor is pretty sure he’ll fail because he’s not good at meeting goals or really anyone’s expectations.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” His mom asks when they’re back in the car. And Connor just shakes his head. “I think it’ll get easier each time we go. Dr. Taylor was pleased with how you did.”

“I didn’t really say anything,” He mumbles.

“Connor," Cynthia sighs. Like she’s tired of him being difficult.

Connor almost feels bad.

“It’ll get easier with time. I’m sure soon you’ll be talking about a million things, but for now it’s baby steps.” Connor nods. “Do you want to stop for something to drink? Tea? A smoothie?”

She looks over at him, her eyes hopeful and lit up as if her entire world depends on Connor’s answer. He wants to say no, wants to just go home and ask if Evan can come over, but. He remembers what Dr. Taylor said about putting in some effort with his family to make any progress. And he sighs. “We can if you want,” He finally shrugs, and Cynthia smiles at him as she drives towards a quiet coffee shop on the other side of town.

It's empty, which Connor is grateful for because the sheer thought of seeing anyone from school and them somehow being able to tell that he was just out of the hospital after trying to kill himself is a little too much to bear. Cynthia offers to order for them and Connor finds a small table in the back corner, where he can see people walking in and he’ll be able to ask his mom if they can dip out if they see anyone he doesn't want to see.

His mom walks over to the table with two mugs and a bag with something in it, smiling as she sinks down into the seat across from Connor. “I got a brownie for us to split. I know you say you’re not really hungry most of the time, but you used to beg me for them when you were little and they haven’t had them in a while, so I figured I’d get it. You don’t have to eat any of it if you don’t want.”

Connor manages the smallest of smiles. And hates that he feels like he could cry. Because he can remember those days when he would beg her for a brownie and she would say no, that he’d spoil his dinner or they had snacks that were healthier at home. And he would be upset but sometimes she would give in. And now he didn’t even ask but she just remembered, and. He blames the meds for the way he feels.

He pulls the brownie out of the bag, breaking off a piece and eating it. His mom smiles like she’s just bribed him to eat vegetables before he could get up from the table, but Connor figures maybe she deserves to look at him like that. Like things are going to be okay.

“Thank you for buying this,” He says quietly when he’s eaten half, shoving the bag over towards his mom so she’d eat some of it. “I… I can’t believe you remember how much I loved these.”

Cynthia laughs. “There’s a lot of things I’ll never forget about you when you were little, Con. Zoe, too. You guys used to beg me for treats every time we came here on our way home from somewhere. Zoe always wanted the vanilla cake pop, you always wanted the brownie. And I rarely said yes.” She breaks off a piece for herself, holding it between her fingers. “But, today felt like a good day for a treat and I think… I think we could both use that after the last week.”

Connor nods. But doesn’t say anything because he knows she’s right, he knows that they’ve gone through a lot and it’s his fault, and he just… he doesn’t know what to say about that.

“Connor, will you tell me when you don’t feel well?” Cynthia asks, quiet so that tables around them don’t hear. “And I don’t just mean when you’re sick. I mean when it’s a bad day, will you tell me so that I can try to help you?”

Connor swallows harshly. It fees like there’s gravel stuck, cutting off his breathing. He doesn’t think he can talk about this right now, or make any sort of promise that he doesn’t end up keeping. But. She looks so concerned and he just… he didn’t want to let her down anymore than he already had. “I… I’ll try to.”

She nods.

“It’s not easy for me to talk about, Mom. That’s why I hid it for so many years.” He slides the holder away from the cup, spinning it around. “I… I know Dad probably doesn’t agree with the meds and therapy and stuff, and I don’t want him to be even more mad that I’m still having bad days because of this.”

Cynthia frowns. “Honey, I don't care what your father thinks. All I know is that we waited far too long to get you the help you need, and I’m not letting him take that away from you. If you're having a bad day, I don’t want you to worry about your dad. I will deal with him. I just want to help you, too. You’re my son, and I know that you’re almost an adult, but you’re always going to be my baby.”

Connor rolls his eyes.

“I understand it's going to take time. This whole adjustment isn’t easy for me either. But we’re going to figure it out, okay?”

And Connor nods. Letting her hold his hand, finishing the rest of his tea. The silence falling over the two of them not awkward in the slightest, more just. Comfortable. Almost normal.

“Can Evan come over this afternoon? I know you probably don't want me going there when his mom isn't home.”

Cynthia smiles, retracting her hand. “Not yet, baby. Soon, I promise. I just… I’m not ready for that.” She smiles. “But yes, he can come over if he wants. Can even stay for dinner or sleepover if he wants.”

“As long as you don't make one of those vegan dinners.”

“I thought you and Zoe liked them!”

“Mom,” Connor says. And smiles.

Cynthia laughs, holding her hands up in surrender. “Fine. You can choose what we have. I have some meat in the fridge at home we can use. No more vegan dinners."

Connor smiles at her, standing up and following her out.

It’s not the biggest of breakthroughs, but it’s something.

He’s already thinking about writing it in a journal Dr. Taylor asked him to keep for the week.

—

Evan comes over not long after Connor texts him, a backpack of things to spend the night. Heidi drops him off after she gets home from work, staying for a little while as Evan walks up to Connor’s room, knocking on the doorframe to get his attention.

“Oh, you’re here sooner than I thought you were going to be,” Connor says quietly.

Evan shifts onto the side of his foot. “O-Oh. I um, I texted you.”

Connor glances at his phone. And sighs. “I didn’t hear my phone go off, I’m sorry.” He pauses. “You can come in if you want, Ev. I’m not mad you’re here early.”

Evan nods, dropping his bag by the door and walking in to sit down on Connor’s bed, just like he’s done countless of times in the 12 years he’s known Connor. It just… feels different this time, Evan decides. Like maybe he shouldn’t be here, maybe he should’ve called Connor when he didn’t answer to tell him.

“I had therapy today,” Connor says quietly after a moment. Evan looks over at him. “You never said how exhausting it is. Like I thought it was bad in the hospital because I was still adjusting to the meds and I was just… not all there. But it was even harder today I think.”

“It gets easier,” Evan says softly. And looks at Connor. “Like I um, I don’t… I don’t have that hard of a time with it anymore,” He shrugs.

Connor sighs. “I don’t know if I’m ever going to get there, Evan,” He says, and for a moment Evan feels like they had just made some sort of huge breakthrough in their friendship. “I just… this is really hard for me. And I’m worried that I’m not going to get to where I need to be. And your mom is so patient and supportive and I don’t know that my family will ever be like that.”

“Your mom is.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “My mom is overbearing most of the time,” He sighs. “But you’re right, maybe she’s trying. But Zoe and I are a mess and my dad and I haven’t been good for years.”

Evan nods. And moves so that he can rest against the headboard beside Connor. “I-I think you can figure this all out. Meds help me a lot. A-and I think they’re going to help you more than you think they’re going to.”

Connor’s silent for a moment. The Netflix home screen is frozen on the TV, waiting for Connor to do something, but he doesn’t make any moves. Evan thinks he may have made the wrong move saying anything about meds or defending therapy, but. He needs to be the bad person with Connor, too. He can’t just be someone who lets Connor say that things will never get better.

“You still really want to be my friend?” Connor asks. His voice is quiet, like maybe he’s scared to hear what Evan is going to say.

Evan nods immediately. “I promise. I… I’m going to be your friend forever, Connor. Like I told you when we were 5.”

Connor laughs. “Things are a lot different now than they were when we were little.”

Evan doesn’t have an argument for that. “I-I know. I just um, I wish you would see that I’m not kidding, though. I’m not going to leave just because things are bad.”

Connor nods. Slides down until he’s laying against his pillows. And turns so his head is resting against Evan’s arm. “Thanks,” He whispers, but Evan can’t form any words because this is closer than Evan could’ve ever imagined the two of them being.

He just. Sits there, listening to Connor’s breathing as he calms down, and prays that it’s not just him that feels like everything has changed in the last few weeks, giving him more confusion to think about than he ever has before.

—

Sleepovers had always been the one thing that Connor and Evan had loved doing. They alternated houses most of the time, staying up far too late watching movies or playing video games, and then waking up too early when their parents would come in to force them out of bed.

Sleepovers hadn’t changed much when Connor began to change, mostly because Evan was the one thing that made Connor feel like things were going to be okay. He just… Evan understood his outbursts, understood how little things set him off and how sometimes he just needed some space from everything, and so they kept the sleepovers going.

Even now Connor had to admit that this felt different. Like maybe something was off between them, something that wasn’t because of him just being out of the hospital or on new meds. Something that… just felt off. But felt right at the same time.

They ate dinner with Connor’s family, which went much better than Evan had expected it to, and then Connor had promptly brought Evan back upstairs so they could lay in his bed and watch Netflix.

Evan can hear Cynthia and Larry talking downstairs when Connor gets up to pee after their fourth episode of _The Office_. Connor doesn't bring it up, so Evan just. Ignores it. Pretends he doesn’t hear anything going on.

Connor is the one who starts to doze off first, forcing himself awake every few minutes. “Y-you can sleep,” Evan says when he notices Connor wake himself up again for what feels like the millionth time. “I’m going to um, to move to the floor after this episode.”

“Just stay in the bed,” Connor mumbles. Half asleep.

Evan chokes on air.

It had been years since they had shared a bed. Mostly stopped when they turned teenagers, felt like it was a little odd to squeeze into a bed, even when Connor had gotten a bigger one. It was just a thing now. The one who was sleeping over slept on the floor.

“Don’t mind, Ev. Just. Stay,” Connor whispers. Evan wonders if he’s still asleep.

“A-are you sure?” Evan asks, almost in disbelief. Like maybe Connor doesn’t realize that things feel different, maybe it’s all in his head.

Connor just nods, his arm swinging over to rest against Evan’s arm. Fingers wrapping around, Evan feeling as though his skin is on fire underneath Connor’s touch.

“Okay,” Evan whispers. And shifts so he can lay down on the side of the bed he had once slept in so many times before, burying himself under the covers.

Connor falls asleep with his head resting against Evan’s chest like he did this all the time when they would have sleepovers, and Evan struggles to breathe until his eyes close, his arm draped over Connor as if this was normal.

He isn’t sure he wants to say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos!
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday!


	8. Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan hang out, and tensions rise between Larry and Connor.

Connor wakes up first, noticing the way Evan's arm draped over his lazily, like he had assumed it had been all night.

And. Oh. This wasn’t how he had expected to wake up that morning.

Evan had always been a light sleeper, and so quietly Connor rolled over to grab his phone from his nightstand, holding his breath when Evan shifted in his sleep. Sighed. And didn’t wake up.

He didn’t have any texts, not that he was really expecting any. Evan was really the only person he stayed in contact with, and with him laying in bed just inches away, there wasn’t really a need.

It was only 7am. Far too early for him to be awake, but judging by how he feels he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to fall back to sleep. He just. Hasn’t been sleeping well for a while, and the new meds make it difficult for him to go back to sleep once he’s up unless he plans to nap. So. He just decides maybe it’s better if he gets up, maybe Evan will wake up soon and they can like, hang out or whatever. He grabs his glasses and his phone, quietly tip-toeing out of the room in hopes he didn’t wake Evan up.

He’s not surprised that his mom is awake. She usually gets up with Larry when he gets up for work, making him breakfast and sending him off. She’s always been like that, starting her day when her husband does, and during the school years she’d be up with him and Zoe.

She looks surprised to see him walk into the kitchen, but. Smiles anyway. “It’s early, baby. I didn’t think you and Evan would be up for hours.”

Connor sinks into the chair at the island. “Evan is still asleep,” He mumbles. “Couldn’t fall back to sleep though. So I just got up.”

Cynthia nods, and without asking she makes him a cup of tea, setting it in front of him. “Do you feel like you’re sleeping better? You look more well rested the last few days.”

Connor sighs, wrapping his hands around the mug. He almost hates questions like these. Where his mom acts like sleeping is going to solve everything and he’s suddenly going to be okay again.

But he doesn’t say that, because for the most part the two of them had been having a good few days, and he just. He doesn’t want to ruin that. “I feel a little more well rested, but I don't know if I’m sleeping better. I just… I want to sleep at a normal hour and actually stay asleep.”

Cynthia frowns, grabbing her own coffee and stood across the island from him. “I think that’ll happen soon. Dr. Taylor said there was going to be an adjustment period with these meds and with you going through withdrawal, so if in a few weeks you feel the same way it’s probably something to ask about.”

Connor just nods, too exhausted to even think about keeping the conversation going. He takes a sip of his tea, his mother's insistence that it’ll help him calm down and balance him out, which. He doesn’t argue because he doesn’t really know anything about he’s feeling and if it’ll work, and it's one less thing to argue about with her.

“I saw you and Evan shared your bed last night,” Cynthia says, hiding her smile behind her mug. “It's been years since the two of you have done that.”

Connor’s fairly sure he's bright red. Like, full tomato face at the sheer thought of talking to his mom about this. He just nods. Prays she doesn’t say anything else about it. Because right now all he knows is that he didn’t hate waking up to Evan in his bed and his arm draped over him, and. It’s not really something he knows even how to talk about right now.

“Yeah, we fell asleep watching Netflix. I guess he forgot to move to the floor,” Connor shrugs. And prays nothing else comes of it.

Cynthia just smiles, walking over to grab him a bagel for breakfast, setting it in front of him. "I need you to at least eat a little something so you can have your meds,” She bargains when when Connor stares at the food in front of him. "Or you can wait for Evan to get up and have something with him.”

Connor thinks about it for a moment. He knows that he can wait a while for his meds, knows that Evan understands because he has to take his own meds. “I’m going to go wait for Evan,” He decides, pushing the bagel away from in front of him.

Cynthia smiles, a grin that Connor knows means she thinks something else is going on, and watches him as he walks upstairs and back to his bedroom.

—

Climbing back into bed and not waking up Evan should be an award at this point, Connor thinks. He just barely manages to do it, rolling onto his back so he could stare at the ceiling, trying to will himself back to sleep. Like maybe he can fall back to sleep and Evan can wake up this time and be the one to realize that they had slept in the same bed for the first time since they were kids.

But sleep never comes, and just as Connor thinks about giving up and getting out of bed again before Zoe wakes up and sees the two of them, Evan begins to stir. And. Connor holds his breath, waiting for Evan to open his eyes.

He’s confused at first, bleary-eyed and his head still in a fog. Connor watches out of the corner of his eye, careful not to startle Evan in fear that he’d like, fall off the bed or something. But then Evan looks over and sees him awake and gives him a small smile, covering his mouth when he yawned.

“How long have you been awake?” Evan asks, his voice gravelly and quiet.

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know, a few hours maybe,” Connor decides, which. Might have been a lie. He feels like he’s been awake for days. “I already went downstairs, but came back up to wait for you.”

“Could’ve woken me up,” Evan mumbles. Connor shakes his head.

“You need to sleep. Even if I don’t.”

Evan frowns, but doesn't say anything and instead stretches. “Do you um, do you think it’s going to be a good day?” He asks after a moment.

Connor is confused mostly, because he doesn’t really know what Evan means. Evan seems to notice, giving him a small smile. “M-my mom always asks me if I think it’s um, it’s going to be a good day or a bad day when I wake up. I don’t know, sometimes I uh, I think it helps.”

Connor nods. And takes a moment to think about it. “I haven’t taken my meds yet, but,” He pauses. “I think maybe it’ll be an okay day. Which… is better, right? Because the last few days and like, years it has been all bad days. But today feels okay.”

Evan nods, smiling. “That's um, that’s definitely better then. Okay is better than bad.”

Connor agrees, sitting up and pushing his fingers through his hair. “We should probably go get something to eat so we can take our meds,” He says. Evan nods.

He doesn’t tell Evan that he thinks it’s going to be okay because he’s there.

—

Convincing Cynthia that walking around the block isn’t going to turn Connor into a runaway is next to impossible, they find. Evan seems startled by it all, but the weather wasn’t unbearable and it was still fairly early in the morning, and Connor thinks that maybe getting out of the house for even 10 minutes will help him feel a little better.

“You promise me you’re going to be back in a half hour?” Cynthia questions. Stands in the entryway where both boys are putting on their shoes.

Connor rolls his eyes. “You can’t keep me a prisoner in this house for the rest of my life, Mom.”

Cynthia sighs. Exhausted, she almost looks like she doesn’t know what to say. “Connor, I’m just worried. You _just_ got out of the hospital.”

“I know,” Connor sighs. Glances at Evan as if he’s going to be able to help. “I just… I think maybe a walk would help. I took my meds, Evan is going to be with me. I’m not going to run away again.”

Evan bites his lip again. Because even though it had only been a little over a week, Evan usually forgot that Connor had ran away and tried to take his own life. He just… tried to block it out of his mind. Like maybe if he didn’t think about it it didn’t really happen.

Cynthia closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. “Okay, I know. I know I need to give you a little freedom. Just, please be safe. Please don’t be out too long, or text me if you’re going to go somewhere other than just around the block.” She pauses, looking at Evan. “Please keep an eye on him. Call me if you need me,” She says. Evan doesn’t miss Connor rolling his eyes again, but he nods anyway.

“I will,” He says softly. Cynthia smiles, watching both boys walk out into the warm sun and down the driveway. She only shuts the door when Connor looks back and waves one more time.

“Sorry, she’s annoying,” Connor says when they begin walking down the street. Evan shakes his head.

“She’s um, she’s right,” Evan replies. And looks over at Connor. “You did um, you did just get out of the hospital. I-I think my mom would be worried too.”

Connor shrugs. It’s quiet for a few minutes, like maybe Evan had gone too far and had upset him and now he was going to run away and Evan was going to have to tell Cynthia that he didn’t do the one thing she had asked him to do.

Deep breath. Evan knows he’s being ridiculous.

“I just… I know I’m messed up. I just miss my freedom.”

“It’s been like a week since you um, you’ve been home.”

“That’s a long time,” Connor refutes.

Evan smiles. “You sound 5.”

Even Connor smiles at that, and the two of them fall into a silence that’s comfortable again. Evan thinks a lot about how much he wants to hold Connor’s hand, how he wants to talk about the night before, like maybe being with Connor in the same bed again after so many years had him thinking things he had previously tried to push away, but. He doesn’t say anything.

He just lets the birds chirping and the younger kids playing outside serve as the noise during their walk instead of a conversation, and prays that maybe things will naturally fall into place, will start making sense without him having to bring it up and making things awkward.

—

There’s a weird limbo that Connor finds himself in now that he’s out of the hospital. He had met with Dr. Taylor every day when he was in the hospital, talking about how his recovery was going to go, his fears for medications, and a normal psych evaluation to see where his head was at.

Now he's home and he only sees Dr. Taylor once a week, which. Is okay, he thinks. Like weekly sessions are good, and he knows that he has things to work on in the meantime, but. He’s left feeling a little lost. Like maybe there’s other things he could be doing but his mom is too overprotective and doesn’t really let him do anything.

Evan stays most of the day, the two of them laying out by the pool in the backyard without ever going in. It’s nice, Connor thinks, to just have a friend who doesn’t want to abandon you because you’re messed up even though you’ve pushed him away and hurt him a million times. Connor doesn’t deserve him, he knows that, but it’s not like he’s unappreciative over how patient he is with everything that’s been going on.

Heidi stops by on her way home from work, a half day after she had taken over someone’s early morning shifts the previous day. She stays for a while like she normally does, talking with Cynthia like they had for so many years, as if everything hadn’t changed over the last few weeks when Connor had tried to kill himself.

“Hey Connor?” Evan asks, sitting up on his lounge chair, turning to face Connor. He knows it’s only a matter of time before his mom comes out to say that they’re leaving, and after pushing it off for most of the day since he’s been with him, he knows he has to ask.

Connor hums, his eyes closed as he looks impossibly hot wearing skinny jeans.

“You’ll um, you’ll tell me if you think things are getting worse, right?” He asks, pausing. “Like not um, not just when it’s a bad day. I-I mean like when you think you’re getting worse.”

Connor sighs. Evan briefly wonders if he’s just going to get up and walk back inside, but. He doesn’t. He just. Turns to look at Evan, no emotion written on his face. “I’ll try to,” He says.

It’s enough for Evan.

—

Evan eventually leaves after what feels like hours after Heidi had stopped by, promising Connor that they could hang out whenever Connor was feeling up to it. It was an odd sentiment, Connor decided after Evan had left, because it made it sound like Connor was sick and maybe wasn’t feeling well.

Which. In a way he guesses it’s true. He definitely doesn’t see himself as sick, but he thinks maybe mental illness is something like that, and is something that he should take a little more seriously rather than forcing himself to hang out with Evan because he fears that if he keeps saying no and pushing him away Evan will just. Leave.

He retreats to his room not long after their gone, and although Cynthia looks slightly disappointed she doesn’t say anything, only that he shouldn’t stay alone for too long. It’s aggravating to say the least, and if she hears Connor complaining about it under his breath as he leaves the room, she doesn’t say anything.

He lays on his bed for a while, squinting as the sun streams through his window and right into his eyes. Normally he’d roll over and shield himself away from it, or like, get up and shut the curtains. But his mom had told him that sunlight would probably help and he’s feeling particularly lazy to just roll over and shut it out, so. He leaves it and lets the warmth hit his face and hopefully bring him more energy.

There’s a knock on his bedroom doorframe, and reluctantly he looks over to see his dad standing there, obviously just home from work. “Your mom said you may be asleep,” He mumbles, but Connor doesn’t have an answer for that so he just blinks, staring back at his dad. “How are you doing today?”

Connor sighs. “Okay. Still feel kind of weird, but. I think the meds are working.” His dad sighs. Like he didn’t want to talk about meds or if they were actually working. Connor thinks about saying something, but his dad cuts him off, stopping him.

“Well, that’s good then, right?”

“You can say you hate the meds.” Connor points out.

Larry sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “I never said I hated the meds, Connor.”

“Then why didn’t you let me go on them before?”

“Connor.”

“No, Dad. Say it. Say you hate the meds and you don’t think they do anything to help me! Say you hate that they make me like this and that I’m not as outgoing or whatever like you thought I magically would be!” Connor can feel himself getting more agitated. He wants to get his hands on things, throw something. Find some weed that he can smoke because he’s had headaches all week and at this point he isn’t sure that they’re ever going to go away, that the withdrawal symptoms will ever go away.

“We’re not having a conversation about your medication. You’re on it, you think it’s working. That’s what matters." Larry pauses, taking a deep breath as he looks back at Connor. “Dinner is almost ready. Wash up and come downstairs.”

“I’m not hungry.” Connor’s seeing double now, seething with anger that his dad wants to talk about his meds right now when it’s obvious he hasn’t been as bad.

“You have to eat.”

“I’m not eating. You can eat without me.”

Larry takes a deep breath. “You know what, Connor? Fine.”

He walks away before Connor can say anything else. Connor rolls over in bed, biting his lip until it bleeds to stop himself from crying.

—

Dinner is quiet, which isn’t all that unusual except Zoe can’t stop staring at the empty chair across from her and thinking that maybe things are getting worse already, maybe this was all just one big act and Connor isn’t going to get any better.

She’s too scared to ask where Connor is, but she’s told herself that he’s just sick, which she knows isn’t true but it’s the only thing that make her feel better.

“Should I make a plate for Connor?” She finally asks when they’re cleaning up. Larry rolls his eyes.

“He’s not going to eat. He doesn’t eat with us, he doesn’t eat.”

Zoe cringes. And then realizes that the two of them probably had a fight. That’s why Connor wasn’t at dinner.

“Larry,” Cynthia begins, but she’s cut off by her husband before she can get anything out.

“No, Cynthia,” He says, looking back at her. “I’m not going to listen to him talk to me like that and then refuse to come down for dinner. We can’t keep coddling him.”

“You basically said to him that you don’t agree that he’s on medication. How did you think that was going to end?” Cynthia’s getting upset now, and as much as Zoe wants to run away like she does every other time, she stays. And tries to listen to her dad justify what he had apparently said to her brother.

“You really think this medication is helping?” He asks, and then doesn’t let them respond. “That Connor that’s up there right now,” He points towards the stairs, “Is not the Connor that I know. Or that any of us know. He’s a zoned out kid right now. Worse than when he’s high or on god knows what else. The solution to helping him is to putting him on more drugs?”

“I am not arguing about this when our son is just upstairs and can hear us and our daughter is right here,” Cynthia says quietly. Her knuckles are white from gripping the counter. “I am doing what I think is best for our child. And if you can't see that this is the right decision, then I don't know what to tell you. But I am not letting you take him off these meds and out of therapy this time. Talk to him, ask him how he feels. He’ll tell you he thinks it’s helping.”

Larry doesn’t say anything, but his plate hits the granite a little too hard, and he’s slamming the garage door before either of them have time to register what’s going on.

Zoe prepares a plate for her brother, and quietly brings it upstairs. She leaves it on his desk for him to find after his shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the love on this story! :) <3
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday! <3


	9. Repair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Zoe go out, Evan and Connor talk.

There's a lot of things that Zoe knew would change when Connor came home from the hospital after trying to kill himself. She knew that she was going to have to be a better sister, even when she didn't think she deserved most of the blame.

But being a better sister to him also meant putting more effort in, because even though she wished depression was cured in a day, it just wasn’t. And Connor wasn’t going to start taking these meds and magically be better and civil with his sister.

So, after texting Alana one final time to get a list of things she wanted her to pick up, Zoe grabs her things, and stops by Connor’s bedroom.

“Are you asleep?” Zoe’s voice fills the room, scaring Connor. “Sorry. I should’ve knocked.”

“Knocked on what?” Connor asks. It comes out a lot more bitter than he means it to.

She rolls her eyes. “Anyway,” She says. And pauses like she changed her mind about whatever it was she was asking him to do. “Alana asked me to help her with some thing for her internship. I have to go to the art store to get a few things before I go to her house. Did you want to come to the store with me? I mean, you could probably use some new art stuff, right? It’s been a while?”

Connor’s stunned into silence. He and Zoe had avoided each other for most of the last few years, which was definitely his fault. He had retreated into art as a way to feel better in middle school, but. She wouldn’t have known that unless she was paying attention to him. Actually looking at some of the things he would do in his room when he didn’t know it.

He sighs. Dr. Taylor’s words ring through his head about like, making things better. Smoothing things over. And so he nods. “Just give me a minute?” He asks, and she nods, leaving the doorway just as quickly as she came.

The thought of going out and possibly seeing people that he knows from school is exhausting, to say the least. He’d much rather lay in bed staring at his ceiling, but he also knows that part of this recovery is going to have to come from him. And so he forces himself out of bed, slips on his boots, and walks downstairs.

His mom looks like she’s going to cry, which he tries to ignore because a few days ago when he wanted to leave with Evan she made a big deal about it. But he figures it’s probably because he’s going somewhere with his sister alone, which hasn’t happened besides on their car rides to school.

“Be careful, please,” Cynthia says as she watches them walk out to the car, although she says that every time so Connor isn’t all that surprised by it.

He slips into the passenger seat without much of a fight, mostly because it had been months since they let him drive after he got caught with more weed and they had grounded him. And then stopped trusting him to go anywhere.

Zoe plugs her phone in and turns on some indie song that Connor doesn’t hate, not that he would say if he did anyway. He mostly just stares out the window and tries not to say anything that would ruin the fact that he and Zoe are mostly okay.

“You haven’t said anything,” Zoe says, finally breaking the silence when she stops at a red light. The art store isn’t all that far away, but now Connor feels like it’s been hours since they left the house.

He shrugs. “I don’t really have anything to say,” He tries, but it just comes out flat and makes him sound like an angsty teenager. Which. He is. But he doesn’t need his sister having a reason to say that. “I don’t do anything, Zoe. Mom doesn’t let me leave the house because she’s afraid I’ll run away and try to kill myself again.”

He can see Zoe cringe from the corner of his eye. He doesn’t apologize.

“Do you think there’s a reason she thinks that?” Zoe asks. There’s not as much venom in her voice, but Connor also knows that Zoe isn’t saying it to be civil or nice or whatever. She just wants him to stop being an idiot.

“I mean, yeah,” Connor sighs, picking at the fraying of his jacket. “But I just wish she would lay off a little bit. These meds make me a little less suicidal.”

Zoe sighs. “That’s a start, I guess,” She concedes, tapping her fingers against the steering wheel. “But I don’t think it’s going to be that easy for Mom to pick you up from the hospital like a week ago and then just let you go out and do whatever you want without thinking about it. You almost died, Con. She has a reason to be worried. She’d be just as bad as if it was me.”

Connor just hums in response, but doesn’t say anything else and instead lets the music take over. He’s never been so happy to pull into the parking lot, but freezes when he looks up after Zoe shut the car off and sees someone he knows.

“Are you getting out? I don’t think Mom would be too happy if I left you in the car while I went in,” Zoe says, looking over at her brother.

“Isn’t that David from school?”

She looks up, noticing the boy across the parking lot as she sighs. “The David in your grade? Yeah, I think so. But what does that have to do with the fact that you have to get out of the car?”

“If he’s here then others kids from school could be here.”

Zoe pauses. Tries not to get annoyed. And sighs. “Connor, you can’t avoid people from school until we start again in the fall. Eventually you’re going to be able to leave the house without any of us, and you’re going to see people.”

“I don’t have to leave the house,” Connor argues. He knows he’s being stubborn.

Zoe rolls her eyes this time. “You can’t even tell that you just got out of the hospital. Seriously, you look fine. Maybe a little skinnier. But not that much different than you did like a month ago when we were still at school. People won’t even think you look different. It’s just because I see you every day.” She avoids saying how he doesn’t look like he just tried to kill himself. She doesn’t think she’s ready to say that to her brother, not yet at least.

“But we’re together. They’ll know something is up. We don’t get along.”

Zoe sets her keys down on her lap, looking over at Connor. “Look, not to burst your bubble, but I don’t think that many people know we’re related. Yeah, we look alike, but. I don’t think people put it together. And if they do they don’t know we don’t get along. All of my friends don’t talk to their siblings in school, we’re not any different than that.”

Connor nods. Takes another moment to collect himself, and then gets out of the car.

Except for the brief moment when he was 6 and Zoe was 5, Connor has always been taller than her. Now he towers over her, and walking into the store he reminds himself countless times that he needs to slow down, needs to let her keep up with him. They’re supposed to be there together, he’s supposed to try to fix things with her, and so. He just tries to make it look like he wants to be there with her, wants to make this look normal.

He follows her around the store aimlessly first, letting her find what she needs for whatever she’s working on with Alana before she turns back to him. “Okay, I don’t really know what you want or need, so. You can like, lead me there or whatever,” She says awkwardly, and Connor takes the poster board she's been balancing for most of the last few minutes from her so she doesn’t drop everything.

He leads her down to the canvas aisle, picking up a few more oil pastels and a drawing notepad with some more colored pencils, deciding that would be enough for now. He’s brought enough money for all of it, having more money now to get things since he wasn’t sneaking out to buy weed, but he’d never tell Zoe that.

“Good?” She asks when he turns back with his own pile of things, and without saying much he nods, following her up to the register.

They pay separately, even though Zoe offers to pay because she’s using their parents card, but Connor declines. He figures the hospital bills and now therapy and meds are using enough of their money, he doesn’t need to use it to pay for art things. Which… he thinks is a nice thing. Is progress.

Because a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have thought twice about using his parents money. He’s stolen from them before, and considering what he used the money for back then, he thinks art supplies is much better. But he also knows he has to be better, and. He has nothing else to use the money on for now.

They see a few kids from school on their way out that look at them a little longer than Connor would’ve liked, but Zoe turned around and asked him some question that didn’t even register in his mind but he did realize that it was being used as a distraction.

He waits until they’re out of the parking lot and on their way home before saying anything, telling himself that when the song ends he needs to just speak up. That Zoe won’t be mad. “Can I ask you something?” He finally musters up the courage to ask, Zoe glancing over at him before she nods. “Do you um, do you want to try to fix everything that’s wrong between us?”

He really should’ve expected the pause. Zoe’s always been careful before she answers things. Always takes time to think things through, mull over what she’s going to say before she comes out and says it. She’s only said things on impulse when he’s yelling at her or trying to kick her door down, which. He thinks is fair. He’d probably be the same way.

“I do want to, I told you that when you were in the hospital,” She reminds him, which Connor doesn’t remember. But he also doesn’t remember a lot about the hospital. “I think we can, but this trip isn’t magically going to make us best friends again. It’s… it’s going to take a lot to trust you, okay? And I know you don’t want to hear that, but. We need to give this time.”

Connor nods, sighing. “I really am sorry for everything. I know I’m an awful brother.”

“I wouldn’t say _awful_ ,” Zoe teases, a wry smile on her face. “You have some good moments. Even when you were threatening to kill me, there were times where you were still a good brother. I just… I need more time to trust you again.”

Connor smiles. “Okay,” He whispers. And it really does feel okay. Like maybe he can live with Zoe at least giving him a chance. She’s not making it easy — not like their mom, at least — but it’s a start. One he didn’t think he’d get with his sister.

“Do you think Dad will ever come around?” Connor asks after a moment, unsure if he wants to hear the answer.

Zoe sighs. “Do you want me to be honest? Or do you want me to be like Mom and be all optimistic and hopeful?”

Connor laughs at that. It makes Zoe smile. “I mean, I think I’d probably like Mom’s approach better, but. You’ve always been honest with me. Don’t stop now.”

“Okay,” Zoe breathes, pulling into their driveway and shifting the car into park. “I don’t know if he will.” It’s brutally honest, and makes Connor feel like he’s just been punched in the stomach. “I want him to, and I know Mom wants him to and I think even you want him to. But… Dad doesn’t understand meds. But maybe with time when he sees how much they’re helping, how much better you’re doing, maybe then he’ll come around.”

She thinks back to the fight a few nights prior, when her parents were fighting in the kitchen about Connor being on medication and in therapy. And she decides against telling Connor that.

“If these meds and if the therapy don’t help me, he’s going to disown me. The second I turn 18 he’s going to kick me out.” For the first time in years Connor sounds fearful, like he really believes that in any scenario that would happen. Zoe doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t think Mom would ever let him kick you out. She’s done letting him dictate what you need,” Zoe says. She shuts the car off, and then looks back at Connor. “But for the record, I do think the meds and therapy are helping. This,” She gestures between the two of them, “is the most civil we’ve been in years. You’re telling me before meds and a few therapy sessions that we would’ve been able to do this? Cause I don’t think we could’ve.”

Connor smiles. “The meds make me feel zoned out. That’s why.”

“Connor, I don’t care. Things are getting better. Give it time. I bet things will begin to change even more. And you won't feel so zoned out.”

Connor nods, grabs his things, and follows his sister into the house.

He’s mostly exhausted by his afternoon out, but. It was nice, he thinks. Like maybe the therapy is helping and he’s getting better and… things are beginning to fall into place.

He just hopes that it continues. He’s not totally hopeful.

—

“It was weird,” Zoe says, chewing on her cheek as she colors in another poster for Alana’s internship. “He like… I don’t know. He came with me and it wasn’t awful and we weren’t fighting.”

Alana nods, glancing up from her own work. “I don’t get you,” She smiles, laughing when Zoe looks up at her in confusion. “All you wanted was for Connor to get help so that you guys could work on things. And now that’s happening, and it’s like you’re confused.

Zoe opens her mouth to say something, and then abruptly shuts it. “I… I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to actually happen.”

“Well,” Alana smiles, leaning back on her knees to take in the poster, “It’s happening. And it probably won’t all be good, but it’s a start. I mean, you got Connor to willingly come to the store with you.”

Zoe knows Alana is right. There’s been plenty of times where she had envied her friends who could hang out with their siblings and laugh and have jokes with them. She always wished that she and Connor were like that, and she could remember times that they _were_.

“He keeps saying that the meds make him feel zoned out. What if… what if that stops and he goes back to the old Connor.”

“Zoe,” Alana says, looking back at her best friend. “You’re being ridiculous, you know? Meds take time to adjust to. And if he starts going back to the old Connor then you need to tell your mom or dad. Because that would mean the meds aren’t working,” She sighs. “He’ll stop feeling so zoned out one day, but he’ll still be benefitting from meds. Just. Have faith.”

Zoe lets the words ring through her mind. And tries not to let herself get too excited at the prospect of she and Connor getting to have a relationship like all of her friends and their siblings.

—

In the chaos of everything that’s happened and the general anxiety Evan has been feeling over everything, he forgets that he has to go back to his job. Back to being an Apprentice Park Ranger, which. He doesn’t know that he wants to do anymore.

He spends most of his afternoon googling to see if it’s acceptable to quit in the middle of the program, and then when he doesn’t find a definitive answer, he thinks of excuses as to why he has to quit. He can’t imagine that just coming out and saying to his boss that he’s quitting because his friend just attempted suicide and he’s too scared to not be able to talk to him throughout the day if something were to go wrong is like, a viable excuse.

So, sitting in Dr. Sherman’s office, Evan voices his concerns. “I-I worked really hard for this internship, but… I’m scared,” He breathes, toying with the fraying of his shirt. “I don’t um, I don’t want to do this and have something happen to him and me not be there to help if he reaches out.”

Dr. Sherman nods. “I understand, Evan. But when you were telling me about this internship and we were working on coping mechanisms and ways to help you overcome some anxieties about it, you were very vocal about Connor helping you just as much as I was. How do you think he’d react if you told him you were quitting because you were afraid that you’re going to lose him?”

Evan sighs, chewing on the inside of his lip. He hadn’t even thought about what Connor would think. “B-but I um, I thought I was supposed to think about how I feel?”

Dr. Sherman smiles. “Evan, this isn’t the same instance,” He reminds him, writing down something on his notepad. “I am not saying that you shouldn’t quit. If you think that’s the right decision for you, then I want you to do it. But what I am saying is to think about why you’re quitting. You like this program, correct?”

Evan nods.

“And you’re having a good time? Judging by the letters you’ve been writing, it seems that you’re learning a lot and having a good time. Which is exactly what you wanted and is huge progress for you, Evan. Is all of that true?”

Evan sighs. “Yeah.”

“I want you to take this week to really think about if you want to quit, or if you're worried about Connor. It’s natural to be worried about a friend, Evan. Connor has been through a lot, and I know that you feel you could’ve done more. But you cannot solely worry about Connor. Your life cannot revolve around a friend.”

“B-but it's not all about Connor!” Evan retorts. And then falls back into his seat, defeated.

Dr. Sherman smiles. “It may not be. Which is why I want you to continue going this week. Write about each thing you do and if you’re still enjoying it. Maybe talk about how you’re feeling with friends. And then we’ll discuss this more next week.”

Evan dejectedly agrees to his suggestion, thanking him and walking out with homework in his mind.

He pulls out his phone. And scrolls until he finds Connor’s name.

_Good or bad day?_

**Meh day. Not bad, but. Could be better.**

_Mind if I come over?_

**Nope. Do you need a ride?**

_No. Be there soon._

Evan walks out of Dr. Sherman’s office, making his way to the bus stop and on his way to the Murphy’s after telling his mom.

—

Connor’s room had always been a familiar place for Evan. He found comfort there after having been in it countless amounts of times over the years.

Now he only feels anxious.

“Evan, you’re pacing,” Connor says. Pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and smirks. “Is there something you wanted to talk about? You never just ask to come over. Not that I’m mad you’re here, because I like when you come over. It gives me a break from my mom.”

Evan stops his pacing. Sighs. And collapses onto the edge of the bed, laying back and staring at the ceiling. Connor’s feet nudge his side, but. Evan can’t bring himself to look at him. “I um, I want to quit my job at Ellison State Park.”

The room fills with silence, but Evan can hear Connor’s breathing. “Why, Ev? You love the job, you always tell me about how much fun it is. What suddenly made you want to quit?”

Evan sighs, trying to figure out how to come up with an answer that makes sense and doesn’t make Connor freak out because _he’s_ the reason Evan wants to quit. “I… Since everything has happened, I um, I’m just scared t-to um. To not be around in case you… in case you need me.”

Evan squeezes his eyes shut when he hears Connor sigh. “Evan. You can’t quit this job because you’re worried about me. I’m not letting you. You worked so hard for this for me to be the reason you throw this away.”

Evan sits up, looking back at Connor. “B-but what if you need me? You um, you’ve called before and I can’t answer and I just… I don’t want to miss you if something were to happen, a-and I don’t know.”

There’s a beat where Evan thinks he can hear his heart physically beating against his chest. Connor is staring at his blankets, and for the first time in a while, Evan can’t read his expression. He can’t figure out how he’s feeling. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but my mom is here. If I can’t get a hold of you, she is here. And I want you to stay at that job because you _love_ it. And it sounds like you’re only leaving because of me. Which… Evan please don’t. Please.”

“A-are you sure?” Evan asks, and immediately Connor nods.

“Positive. You can’t quit because of me,” He says, pleading. And Evan nods, mostly because he’s still conflicted but he can’t talk about this anymore or he’ll throw up or freak out or something and he really doesn’t want to do that on his best friend’s bed. “Just… can we talk about something else? Distract our minds?”

Evan nods, moving back up to lay next to Connor on the bed like he normally would. Things went better than he thought they were going to, but he can tell Connor is disappointed and he hates that it’s his fault. Especially when he knew it wasn’t a good day.

“My mom um, she won’t be home for a few hours. I could stay and we can watch a movie if you don’t like, want to do anything else.”

Connor shifts his weight on the bed next to Evan, looks over at him, and tries his best to smile. “Okay,” He nods.

He picks a movie that neither of them really pay attention to, but Evan is with Connor and he feels a little bit like there’s butterflies in his stomach, and he doesn’t know if this is ever going to change, if he’ll ever be able to fully confront his feelings for the boy who never left his side despite everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos/being so sweet with this story <3 i'm glad you guys are enjoying it!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday! <3


	10. Changes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan starts back up at his internship, and Connor begins to mend relationships

Evan spends most of the night before his first day back at Ellison State Park unable to sleep, tossing and turning and staring at the clock as the minutes ticked by. Nothing he tries works, and for a moment he thinks about just pulling an all-nighter and suffering through the day in hopes that the somehow makes it through on pure adrenaline and then he can go home and take a nap after.

He guesses he falls asleep around 3 in the morning, and just as soon as his brain finally lets him rest his alarm is going off and his mom is opening his door with a smile on her face. “Did you forget to set your alarm, Ev? You have your internship today!” She smiles, leaning down to rub his back.

Evan yawns, rubbing at his eyes as he sighs. “Guess I just didn’t hear it.” He pauses, looking back at her. “Too nervous about um, about Connor. Didn’t sleep that well.”

Heidi smiles, squeezing his shoulder. “Connor has a lot of people helping him, honey. You’re going to be fine today, and so is he.”  
Evan doesn’t have the energy to argue. So he just nods, and watches as his mom stands up, shoving her hands into the pockets of her scrubs. “Well, get up and start getting ready so you can eat a little something before we have to go. I have to be at work right after I drop you off, so we can’t be running late.”

She leave the room before Evan responds, and he rolls back over to look at his phone, surprised to see that he had a text message.

**Hey sorry it’s late I hope this doesn't wake you up or whatever. I just can’t sleep and I’m hoping I’ll be asleep when you have to leave. Today will be fine, I promise. We’re both going to be fine, but make sure you take care of yourself. Text me when you’re done so we can talk about how it went :)**

He catches himself smiling, and then cringes when he feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Because he had woken up to a good luck text from Connor except this time he wasn’t expecting it, and now he just. Wonders when he started reacting this way to Connor and anything he did.

He doesn’t want this to happen when they’re together in person.

_I hope you fell asleep and this doesn’t wake you up. But thanks :) I’m super nervous but I know we’ll both be fine. I’ll call you tonight :)_

He leaves his phone on his bed as he gets up and slowly starts getting ready, wondering if he’ll ever get to the point where his anxiety doesn’t feel like it’s going to kill him over doing something he had already done before.

—

Connor finds the mornings are always the hardest, before he has taken his meds or even managed to get out of bed. They weren’t always bad. It was just. Hard for him to get used to, hard to accept that things always felt worse those first few minutes after waking up.

He rolls over and grabs his phone, noticing how it’s almost noon and the house sounds quiet, but he knows he’s not alone. He knows his mom isn’t ready for that yet, especially since she isn’t ready for him to even go anywhere alone, even if he’s just going to the park to meet up with Evan.

There’s a text from Evan, one that makes him smile and feel a little bit flustered all at once, which. He doesn’t even know why, the message doesn’t say anything different to what they’ve said before, but. He’s been feeling that way a lot about Evan lately. Like maybe things had changed between them, but not in a bad way.

He forces himself out of bed before it gets any later, grabbing his glasses off his nightstand and making his way downstairs.

“There you are,” Cynthia smiles, turning back when she hears footsteps coming into the kitchen. “I was beginning to worry about you. I was just about to come make sure you were okay.” She’s not too overbearing that morning, but Connor still finds himself agitated, still wishing that she would just… act normal around him. Treat him less like a child.

“Couldn't fall asleep last night,” He mumbles, sitting down at the island. "I guess I fell asleep around 4?”

Cynthia frowns, looking back at her son. “Do you think maybe you should tell Dr. Taylor about this?” She asks, but Connor can’t help but think that she sounds disappointed.

He sighs, taking a few deep breaths and reminding himself that she’s just worried, which really doesn’t help at all. It just makes him more annoyed. “I don’t know, I just. I think maybe it’s too soon. It’s only been a few weeks.”

“Okay,” Cynthia nods, but she seems uneasy. Connor thinks about saying something, but before he can think of anything she’s turned back and continued cleaning the kitchen, leaving him to get up and get something to eat so she can give him his meds.

It’s not an uncomfortable silence, Connor decides as he sits back down at the island with his cereal. He almost prefers it this way, where his mom is there but not asking him a million questions, and his dad isn’t there to fight with.

He hadn't even realized Zoe was nowhere to be found.

Cynthia returns with Connor’s pills, pouring them out into her hand and setting them on the counter next to him. “That way they’re there when you’re ready,” She smiles, screwing the caps back on and disappearing to put them wherever she hid them so Connor couldn’t find them and overdose like he had already tried.

That may be what annoyed him the most, even though he knew it was justified. It just… made him feel like a baby.

“Are you going to see Evan today? You know he’s more than welcome here whenever he wants.”

“I know,” Connor nods, pausing as he swallows his bite of cereal. “But he has that job at Ellison State Park, so he’s going back there today. I don’t know how often we’re really going to see each other the rest of the summer.”

Saying it out loud had made Connor realize he was a lot more upset than he thought he was. About not being able to hang out with Evan, about how Evan could go out and get a job but there’s no way Connor could, and just. Evan’s life just seemed so much more put together, and Connor’s… wasn’t. And probably wouldn’t ever be.

“Oh right, I forgot about that! Heidi said he’s really enjoying it. That type of job seems right up his alley. He’s always liked things like that,” Cynthia smiles, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Con, are you okay?”

Connor acts like he isn’t about to cry.

“I don’t know,” He finally mutters, which is hard for him and makes him wish he could just run back up to this room and pretend it never happened. “I’m happy for him, like. There was a lot that he had to overcome to get this, and I know he’s doing so well with it and he’s having a really good time and his mental health is really doing okay considering how nervous he was before he started. I don’t want to like, take that away from him, but…” He trails off, biting his lip and staring at the granite until the pattern blurs before his eyes.

“But you wish that you two could just hang out all summer?” She asks. Connor just nods. It’s not totally the whole truth, but. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels like a failure to his mother who’s already worried. “Connor, that’s perfectly normal, you know.”

“But it’s dumb. Why do I care so much about him having a job? We shouldn’t… I shouldn’t expect him to hang out with me every second of the day just because I tried to kill myself.”

He can’t bring himself to look up at her. He just… he knows she’d be disappointed he even said that. “I think you’re worried that he’s going to go back to his job today and remember how much he loves it and then he’s not going to have any time for you.”

Connor opens his mouth. And then shuts it immediately. He forces himself to look up, where Cynthia is just smiling at him. “Connor, it’s okay to have fears like that, you know. He’s been your best friends since the two of you were little, and I know things aren’t great right now, but he’s still here. But can I tell you something?” She pauses, walking over to stand on the opposite side of the island from her son. “I don’t think this job is going to change anything between the two of you. It didn’t when he started, why would it now? He’s going to make time for you, you’re going to have time for him. It’ll be fine.”

She reaches over, patting his hands gently. “I’m going to go get some things done. If you need me just yell for me.”

She disappears before Connor says anything else, and after a few minutes he forces himself up to put his things in the dishwasher, thinking about how confident his mom is that things won’t change.

—

Connor spends most of his days reading books in his room, his mom checking in on him every so often. It was odd how different he felt after taking his meds, like maybe he had more energy and more ambition and less… suicidal. He didn’t feel the constant itching in his arms as much when he thinks about it, and the thoughts of where his mom hid his pills so he could go steal them and overdose doesn’t cross his mind nearly as often.

“Woah, you haven’t worn your glasses this much in so long,” Connor jumps when there’s another voice in his room, Zoe standing in the doorway. He sets his book down and sighs.

“I… apparently when I’m not high all the time my vision really is that bad, and my headaches are worse when I don’t have them on. It’s a withdrawal thing. But I don’t even know where my contacts are,” He mumbles. Zoe rolls her eyes.

“Well, I just got home from work and there’s a really big storm coming. Want to watch a movie under the blankets in the living room like we used to?”

Connor’s silent for a moment before forcing himself to look at his sister. “You have a job?”

Zoe furrows her eyebrows. “Connor, I’ve had a job for almost a year. I work at the music store in town?” She says. Connor shakes his head. “Wait, you really never noticed that I have a job?”

“No,” Connor mumbles. “I… tried to avoid you so I didn’t make things worse. I was also like, insanely high the last year. For most of it.”

Zoe nods. And decides against telling him she only got the job because it meant more time out of the house and away from him.

“Okay, well. Do you want to watch a movie or no?”

Connor really just wants to lay in bed. Not think about hanging out with his sister who is obviously still terrified of him and only making an effort because he said he wants to, but. He doesn’t want to disappoint her.

“Sure. You pick the movie, I’ll be down in a few minutes,” He decides, and Zoe nods, leaving the entry to his room immediately after.

It takes him a while to get out of bed, mostly because his head is throbbing and he’s exhausted from not sleeping the night before, but he promised his sister he’d be down and he can’t make her any more disappointed than she already is, and so he forces himself up and ignores the dizziness, making his way downstairs.

Zoe’s already pulled every blanket from the basket and settled them on the sofa, sorting through the DVDs in front of the TV when Connor enters the room. “You can choose whatever side you want. Also is _Step Brothers_ okay? I know you wouldn’t want to watch anything too girly.”

Connor shrugs, falling onto the sofa. “That’s fine. I really don’t care what we watch, Zoe.”

She nods, pulling out _Step Brothers_ and putting it in the DVD player. She slides onto the other side of the sofa, situating the mounds of blankets over them like they did when they were little, and silently Connor focuses on the movie, trying his best to just make the best of the moment and not ruin it like he normally would.

He feels so far out of body that he doesn’t really know how to feel. When he had talked with Zoe in the hospital the last thing he thought would come of it was… this. At least this soon. And it’s not perfect, he knows that. They’re not even talking, they’re just sharing the sofa and watching a movie together. But a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have done this with her. He would’ve avoided her and she would’ve avoided him, and it would’ve been best for everyone.

He’s almost asleep when the front door opens, and he thinks about just faking it so he doesn’t have to face his dad, who must’ve decided to come home from work early. Because it hasn’t been a good day, but it also hasn’t been awful, and Connor doesn’t trust himself to not fight with his dad if he opens his eyes and confronts him.

“You two are watching a movie together?” Larry asks, and Connor parts his eyes just enough to see his sister look towards where he is standing.

“Yeah? I asked him if he wanted to, he said sure. I figured since it’s raining it would be a nice thing to do,” She shrugs.

Larry opens his mouth. Closes it. And sighs. “I… okay. Is your mom in the kitchen?” He asks.

Zoe nods, and Connor listens to him walk away, and then feels Zoe’s eyes shift to his.

“Did you think he was going to yell at you or something?” Zoe asks. “You seem tense.”

He bites his lip, shifting under the blankets. “I just… we never have a civil conversation anymore. I figured he’d find a way to be mad at me for laying here with you. Like maybe this was my plot to kill you or something,” He shrugs.

Zoe nods, and shifts her attention back to the movie, trying not to think about her brother and how he seems different.

When he falls asleep and his feet rest against her legs for the first time in years like they did when they were little, she doesn’t move them.  
She just. Embraces it. And thanks whoever is listening silently for giving her a good afternoon with her brother.

—

Connor hates that he braces himself for dinner every night, mostly because he know it’s his fault. He’s ruined this and he made it a living hell for all of them involved, and now he’s left with the fact that he’s being forced to get sober and sit at dinner and not lash out, and it’s just. A lot harder than he thought it was going to be.

“So, how was everyone’s day?” Cynthia asks, breaking the awkward silence after Connor has spent the first five minutes of dinner playing with his food more than he’s eaten it.

“It was fine, work was good. It’s getting busier now, I think parents are trying to find things to do to waste the rest of summer.” Zoe speaks up, and then looks across the table at her brother.

Connor takes a moment. And then finally shrugs. “I don’t know, it was okay I guess,” He says, which. Isn’t really a lie. He just didn’t do anything except watch a movie and read, but it wasn’t a bad day and he feels like maybe the meds are starting to work.

“You know, Connor,” Larry begins. Connor braces himself, ready for a fight. A natural reflex. “Maybe you should think about looking for a job. Just for a few hours a day. It might help to get out of the house a little bit, see people other than just us or Evan when he comes over.”

Connor sighs. Opens his mouth to say something. And then closes it again quickly. “I… don’t think I’m ready for a job,” He mumbles after a moment. And it’s not a lie, because Connor is barely out of the hospital and he’s still not feeling great most days, and he just. Doesn’t think a job should be a part of his life right now.

Larry seems dejected, like his one plan to grow close to his son had backfired, but he nods anyway. “Well, maybe soon then. It’s probably something to work towards.”

Connor nods, not saying anything else and instead letting the short conversation run through his mind wondering why it didn’t set him off nearly as much as he thought it was going to.

—

“I don’t know, I mean. I know he’s spaced out from the meds or whatever, but this afternoon really wasn’t that bad at all,” Zoe carefully paints her nails with her hand resting against an old magazine, Alana laying on her bed beside her. “You saw him. He seems different, right?”

Alana sighs, looking up from her phone. “Zo, I didn’t really _know_ Connor that well. I mean we had a few classes together and he was fine in them and making jokes, but I didn’t really know Connor at all. So I’m not sure what’s different about him.”

Zoe nods, capping the nail polish and lazily waving her hand to dry them. “I know. I just… maybe things are getting better. Maybe we can fix the mess that is our relationship.”

Alana smiles, setting her phone down on the comforter and rolling on her side to look at her best friend. “I told you to just be patient. I know you suck at it, but come on, Zo. You know things can get better.”

Zoe smiles, shoving Alana lightly before laughing. “I know, I know. I’m just glad you were right this time.”

—

The first day of Evan and Connor not able to hang out now that Evan is back at work is okay, Connor decides when he lays down in bed after dinner. He knows it could’ve been better, like he could’ve had more energy or he could’ve made more of an effort with his family, but. It wasn’t the worst day since he’s been home from the hospital.

He’s dozing in and out of sleep when his phone starts vibrating, a FaceTime request coming from Evan. He thinks about letting it go, sending him some sort of half-assed text that he’s not feeling great and would rather just text, but Connor knows Evan would just worry and that would somehow make it worse.

So he sits up and answers it, and then pretends like he didn’t get butterflies when Evan’s face is on his phone screen.

“Hey,” Evan says, a smile on his face. He looks exhausted, which Connor can only assume is because of how long his day had been at his first day.

“Hey,” Connor replies, trying to smile. “How was your first day back?”

Evan smiles. “It was um, it was good? I-I don’t know, I worry a lot but um, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.”

“So it was good then,” Connor concludes, a smile on his face. “I knew you’d be fine. You know it’s only going to get easier from here."

Evan nods, running his fingers through his hair and laying back on his bed. “H-how was your day? Did you um, did you do anything fun?”

Connor smiles. “You know my mom has me on house arrest,” He says, biting his lip. “I read and drew a lot, and then I um, I watched a movie with Zoe. So it wasn’t awful.”

“You… you hung out with Zoe?” Evan asks. He seems surprised.

Connor half laughs at that. “I know, crazy right?” He shakes his head. “It wasn’t like the worst thing ever, either. I mean, we’re definitely not like, fixed or anything, but. I just… maybe it’s a step in the right direction.”

“I-I’m sure it is,” Evan says. It’s somehow hopeful.

“My dad said I should maybe get a job. Did you know Zoe had a job, by the way? She talked about it at dinner, and that’s what made him think I should get a job too.”

Evan stares at Connor, dumbfounded. “C-Con, she’s worked there for like a year,” Evan smiles. “B-but what did you say to um, to your dad?”

Connor shakes his head. “That I don’t think I’m ready for a job,” He breathes out. He feels pathetic. Evan’s figured out how to have a job, why can’t he? “I just… sometimes it’s really hard for me to get out of bed. Most of the time I still wonder what would’ve happen if I would’ve been successful. How am I supposed to have a job right now?”

Evan nods. “It’s um, it’s probably good to wait.” He pauses. “Was today a good day or bad day?”

“How annoyed would you be if I said okay again?” Connor smiles. “More good than bad,” He decides. Evan nods.

“O-okay, so better,” Evan smiles. “I miss you. I um, I missed hanging out today.”

Connor smiles. “I missed hanging out with you, too. But this internship is way more important than me, you know that. Which is why I think you should stick with it.”

“It’s not more important,” Evan shakes his head. “I… we can hang out on my… on my day off?” He asks.

Connor doesn’t hesitate before nodding.

He falls asleep that night wondering why he missed Connor as much as he did, and how he was ever going to confront how he feels. He just wanted to like, not have to worry about this on top of everything else.

But he’s definitely not going to complain about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/leaving kudos/comments :) you're all so sweet i'm glad you're enjoying it!
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	11. Reassurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a therapy session, Cynthia reassures him, and he talks things through with Evan.

Connor and Evan fall into a routine of FaceTiming when Evan gets home from his internship each night, which isn’t awful, but. It’s also not what Connor had expected when he thought about how the rest of summer was going to go.

He’s spent most of the first week of them not being able to hang out trying not to think about how he wishes Evan was waking up in his bed next to him again, and why he got butterflies each time Evan’s face would light up on his screen each evening when he got home. He looked forward to the FaceTimes for a variety of reasons, but maybe the biggest reason was because it gave him a chance to talk to Evan, to just. Be with him. Hear his voice. Listen to him talk about his day.

He doesn’t admit that to himself.

Therapy has been going better, Connor decides after his session that week. They talked a lot about him adjusting back to home, how he and Zoe have been hanging out more and although it really doesn’t seem like much to Connor, Dr. Taylor insists that it’s progress that’s needed and that Connor will see the effects of putting in the effort in due time. Connor is skeptical, but Dr. Taylor seems so optimistic and Connor just… doesn’t know if he can break that.

He walks out of Dr. Taylor’s office and finds his mom sitting in the waiting room, a smile on her face when she sees it’s him. Connor tries to smile back at her, but he’s exhausted and all he can think about is the fact that he wants to go home, sleep for the rest of the day and forget that Evan won’t be able to hang out to take his mind off of things.

“You okay?” Cynthia finally asks once they’re in the car, turning it on and immediately blasting the air. Connor sighs, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t worry her.

But one doesn’t come. She’s staring at him now, Connor can feel her eyes on him and her look of concern and he’s really trying to like… not freak out right now. “I’m okay,” He mumbles, but there’s venom in his voice and he sounds like he’s trying to bite back from yelling at her, and. She just sighs.

“Connor, you know whatever is going on you can talk to me, right? I want to help you, but I can’t if you tell me you’re okay all the time,” Cynthia says. Sighs. And turns back to begin driving home.

Connor is quiet for a while, thinking about his mom’s words. It’s only been three weeks since his attempt, he knows things aren’t magically better and he knows he needs to work at it, but he just feels awful that his dragging his mom through this and if there’s a way that he could just like… do it alone he thinks he would.

It would be better for everyone.

“Connor?”

Connor snaps his head to look at his mom, who, if possible, looks even more concerned now than she did sitting in the parking lot. “Yeah?” He mumbles, picking at the string on the sleeve of his jacket, refusing to make eye contact.

“I just asked if you wanted to stop for a milkshake or something.”

“This isn’t going to be fixed with food, Mom. I’m not 5.”

Cynthia sighs. She sounds exhausted, like maybe she’s doing this all wrong and she isn’t really sure what to do now. But she doesn’t yell like his dad would. “Connor, I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me when you need me because I don’t want to overstep your boundaries. You’re 17, you do not need your mother in your business all the time. But you’re also recovering, and I can’t read your mind. I need you to tell me what you want or how you need me to help you if you do.”

“We can get milkshakes,” He says quietly, and although Cynthia does pull into the drive through, she doesn’t seem like it was the answer she wanted.

“Connor, I don’t want you to just say yes to things I offer because you think it’ll keep the peace between us,” She says. Connor wonders if she’s reading his mind. “We’re going to butt heads, we’re going to fight. You’re not going to like some things I do to help you, and I’m not going to like some things that you do that you think you’re ready for. But we can get through this, and I don’t think you should not talk to me just because you’re scared if you yell or get upset you’re going to push me away or that I’m going to be upset with you.”

Connor blames the meds for a lot of things, but he figures the fact that he feels like he’s about to cry is definitely because of them. Because normally he’d just push her away, yell, freak out. He wouldn’t care about upsetting his mom only now he _does_ and he just. Doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me all the time like Dad is,” Connor whispers after Cynthia’s ordered. And then bites his lip as his eyes blur with tears, hindering his vision.

“Con,” Cynthia sighs. It’s her pity voice, like she feels awful that he even thinks that but she doesn’t know what to say. Which. Doesn’t make Connor feel any better. It makes him feel worse, really, like maybe what he thinks about how his dad feels about all of this is true.

She pauses, paying for their drinks and handing him his, although he suddenly doesn’t want it anymore. He feels like he could throw up, too scared to have this conversation that’s inevitably happening when she pulls away from the drive through window.

It’s not that he’s surprised she pulls into an empty spot instead of driving home, but a huge part of him had been praying that she would like, just go home and forget about finishing this. She shifts the car into park, turning to look at her son.

“I know you don’t believe me, but your dad isn’t mad at you all the time, Connor,” She begins. Connor rolls his eyes. “Your father is… confused about all of this. He doesn’t understand, and a lot of that is reflected in the way he acts. I’m not excusing him and you know I’ve talked to him about being more open, being more understanding. But it’s not always easy.”

Connor sighs, unsure of what to say. “It’s not that I care that he doesn’t understand, I just. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be better, or at least be somewhere that he thinks is acceptable. But I do know that if he keeps ignoring me or getting angrier, it’s not going to help me.”

“I know,” Cynthia nods.

“I’m an awful person and I’ve ruined this family, but if he wants me to fix it he needs to help.”

Cynthia reaches over, taking his hand. “You did not ruin this family, and you are not an awful person,” She says. Voice firm, like this isn’t negotiable or something to fight over. “You need help, and now you are getting it and it’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure it out.”

Connor nods, letting his mom hold his hand for a moment before she pulls away, getting ready to drive home.

Connor feels a little less like he wants to sleep and a little more hopeful that at least his mom won’t like, betray him. But. He can’t say the same for literally anyone else in his life, and maybe that’s what scares him the most.

—

In everything that had happened over the last few weeks and the changes that the Murphy’s had gone through, Cynthia feels like her conversations with her husband have gone from casual to insanely uncomfortable. Often times they ended in arguments, their hushed whispers turning into full-blown fights. On more than one occasion she was positive Connor could hear them, but he never said anything and Cynthia wasn’t sure bringing something like that up was the right move for her son, so it all was left unsaid.

Larry sends her a text that he’s staying late at work to finish up a case before he’s home and that there’s a chance he won’t be home for dinner. She’s kind of upset about it, but just sends him a text back that she’ll save him some if he’s not home in time and that she didn’t mind. She’s too exhausted to start an argument over texts, and now Zoe is home from work and Connor is watching TV in the other room at her insistence so that he doesn’t isolate himself right now, and. She just thinks that maybe she should focus on her kids over her husband.

Zoe helps her with dinner, cooking the sides and talking to her about her day. It’s normal, almost. Zoe seems happy and things are okay. When Cynthia thought about how summer was going to go this is what she thought about — Zoe coming home from her day at work and helping her with dinner, Connor watching TV in the other room.

She ignores the fact that her son is only watching TV in the other room because she won’t let him be alone right now. And he’s not allowed alone because she’s still worried that he’s going to drop off and try to kill himself again.

“Mom?” Zoe asks, only now her voice is quieter and maybe a little more timid than it had been before. “Is Connor okay?” She asks, glancing back out into the living room as if Connor could hear her over the chaos in the kitchen between the pots and pans.

Cynthia sighs, for a moment unsure of what to say. Zoe is 16 now, and although there’s a lot of things Cynthia feels like she should hide from her daughter, Connor’s health doesn’t feel like it should be one of those things.

“He’s had a rough day,” She concedes, turning back to the stove to make sure dinner wasn’t burning. “He had therapy, and I think he’s a little stressed out about Dad not thinking he’s going to get better,” She says.

Zoe frowns. Glances back out to look towards the living room. And then back to her mom. “I know I was helping you, but. Do you care if I go hang out with Connor for a little? If he wants me to.”

Cynthia smiles. She almost looks like she’s going to cry, but. She takes the bowl that had been in front of Zoe, moving it away. “He’ll probably like that. Go ahead,” She smiles, and Zoe nods. Smiles back at her mom, and walks out of the kitchen.

When she doesn’t hear Connor freak out or the two of them yelling at each other she takes it as a success, and turns back to finish dinner before everything burns.

—

Larry doesn’t know when he started feeling like it was awkward to walk into his house. He thinks it started happening years ago, back when Connor started getting worse and his relationship with his son took a turn. But now that Connor is home and he’s recovering and things are different, he still feels like walking into his home will pop the tension and everything will explode.

He opens the front door and sets his things down, glancing out into the living room to see both of his kids watching TV together. It’s a sight he still isn’t used to, Zoe curled up in the chair in the corner while Connor is outstretched on the sofa, but he finally bites his tongue to stop himself from making a comment, not questioning it as he walks into the kitchen.

He knows something is about to happen when his wife looks over at him and sighs, continuing to cook dinner. He pours wine for both of them, delaying the inevitable discussion that he assumes they’re going to have. She thanks him quietly, letting him kiss her on the cheek before he moves to sit at the island.

“Connor had therapy today,” She begins, and immediately Larry tenses. Too worried about where this is going to go, what she’s going to say or if something happened with Connor. “He told me on the car ride home that he’s scared you’re always mad at him.”

Larry sighs. “I’m not.”

“I know that,” Cynthia quickly says. And glances towards her husband. “But Connor doesn’t. And I can’t blame him, you’ve been avoiding any sort of meaningful conversation with him since he’s been home from the hospital.”

“I don’t want to upset him.”

Cynthia bites her lip. “We can’t walk on eggshells around him. We’re not doing that, and I told him that. We’re going to fight with him, he’s going to get mad at us, it’s just recovery. So, I suggest you talk this out with him, let him get upset, but please don’t yell at him or make things worse.”

Larry nods, feeling slightly like he’s being lectured. “I’ll do it after dinner.”

Cynthia stares at him. Frowns. And sighs.

“He’s zoned out right now, Cyn. Barely looked at me when I walked in the door.”

She nods like she understands, but Larry is fairly sure she doesn’t. Which only makes him feel worse. “I should probably tell him to sit up. He’s going to break his glasses if he lays on the sofa the way that he is right now,” He mumbles. Almost like he’s trying to find something to complain about. “He’s been wearing them a lot more than he used to.” He quickly adds on, trying to diffuse the situation.

Cynthia smiles, like she knows he’s trying to break the tension and not make things as awkward. “He’s still having some withdrawals symptoms, he still complains about feeling dizzy and his eyes being bad. And he lost his contacts.” She rolls her eyes, and although Larry is slightly upset that he just went and lost something they spent a lot of money on, he finds himself smiling back.

Like maybe he needs to let little things like this roll off his back, not upset him as much as they had previously.

He helps his wife set the table and then calls the kids out for dinner, and for the first time in months — years, even — Larry doesn’t dread sitting down for dinner with his family.

—

Connor’s quiet through most of dinner, but he manages to eat more than he thinks he has any other day, which really is progressing rather than anything else.

Zoe beats him to finish though, excusing herself to get ready to go out with friends for ice cream, leaving just Connor and his parents at the table. He thinks about saying he’s full, asking if he can go upstairs now, but he’s pretty sure his mom would frown and ask him to just not isolate himself, which. Is really hard to do when he feels like this might be his worst day since getting out of the hospital.

Cynthia gets up next, clearing the plates from dinner as Larry stares at his son. Connor doesn’t notice, too entranced by the pattern on the tablecloth to realize that his dad is still sitting there, that he hasn’t retreated to the garage or his office for a few hours where he doesn’t have to interact with any of them.

“Connor, you know that I’m not mad at you, right?” Larry asks, breaking the silence. Connor slowly looks up at him, sighing as he shrugs. “I mean it when I say that. I am not mad at you for anything. I know… I know that I haven’t been the best and this hasn’t been easy, but it’s not your fault, you know.”

“Isn’t it though?” Connor asks, but he doesn’t mean it to be difficult. He just… he knows it’s his fault, and he doesn’t really want his parents saying otherwise just to keep the peace. “Like, I’m a lot of the problem in this family. I always have been, and I am the reason that we fight a lot.” Connor pauses, looks back down at his place. “You don’t have to lie about it.”

Larry sighs, like he’s frustrated that Connor isn’t listening to him or what he has to say. Connor doesn’t say anything, and when Larry starts to talk again he doesn’t look up. “You are not all of the problem, Connor. The rest of us haven’t helped you like we should. But that changes now, okay? And I want you to know that if you want to talk to me about how you’re feeling, you’re more than welcome to. I want to help you, Connor.”

Connor nods, biting his tongue until he tastes blood to stop himself from fighting back, to stop himself from saying something he doesn’t mean and making this worse than it already is, which. He knows would happen if he just said how he felt.  
“Can I go FaceTime Evan?” He asks, and although his parents look dejected that he isn’t pushing the conversation further they nod anyway, watching him clear his place and disappear upstairs without another word.

Larry sighs, staying in his seat for a moment as Cynthia rubs at his shoulders, sighing. “You tried, and it’s a start. I know it’ll get better,” She whispers. “Thank you.”

Larry nods, leaning his head back as she leans down to kiss him, going to finish up the dishes.

Larry takes himself to work on some things for work, but he makes a note to himself to stop early, spending time with his family when normally he would just avoid them.

—

It’s only just past 7, but if it were acceptable and his mom wouldn’t think he was like, dying or something, Connor would just go to bed. He’s written the day off, decided that it wasn’t going to get any better and there really wasn’t anything else he could say about it, and he figures that maybe going to bed and sleeping would just make things better.

He lays on his bed for a minute, ignoring Zoe moving through the halls quietly, getting ready to leave. He almost envies her for being able to just go, which. He knows is ridiculous. It’s not like he has anywhere to go anyway, at least not now that Evan has an internship.

His phone vibrates just out of reach, and although he really just wants to like, stare at the ceiling and not answer the FaceTime he knows is from Evan, he knows Evan will worry. So. He rolls over, grabbing his phone and answering it just before it hangs up.

“You um, you look tired.” Is the first thing Evan says, which makes Connor laugh as he falls against his pillow.

“I’m okay,” Connor says. And looks back at Evan. “How was work?”

Evan lights up at the question, falling into a story about everything that he got to do, things he had learned, and how he’s starting to get more responsibilities. Connor doesn’t understand most of it, honestly, mostly because Evan is rambling about trees and a million other things that Connor just doesn’t get, but Evan is _happy_. And he’s excited to tell Connor about his day and so he’s going to listen to it and let Evan talk for as long as he wants.

“That sounds really cool, Ev,” Connor says. And tries to smile. “So I take it you’re going to finish the summer there? You sound like you’re loving it.”

Evan beams and nods, but his smile has faded slightly and he looks more confused rather than anything else. “Con, are you um, are you okay?” He asks. “You just… I don’t know. How was um, how was your day?”

Connor sighs, unsure of what to say. He knows he can’t lie to Evan, like Evan is his best friend and he knows when he’s lying to him, but. He also knows Evan had a good day and he’s afraid that he’s going to make it worse — which is exactly why he wishes that Evan would just leave him, because he only makes things worse and he doesn’t want to put Evan through this any more than he already has.

“Would you be mad if I said it was bad?” Connor asks after a moment, deciding it was better just to be honest other than anything else. Evan frowns.

“N-No, of course not,” Evan says quietly. “Did um, did something happen?”

Connor sighs. And then shakes his head. “I had therapy, but. Normally I’m okay after therapy.” He pauses. “I just… I don’t know. I just always think my dad is mad at me and my mom said he’s not and she tried to make things better with a milkshake, which. Isn’t going to fix things.”

Evan nods. “Did you um, did you go for milkshakes?”

Connor smiles at that. “Well, yeah,” He mumbles, and he knows it’s Evan’s way of trying to make him feel better. It oddly helps. “But that doesn’t just fix how I think they’re always upset or mad at me because these meds don’t make you magically better.”

“No, I know,” Evan quickly replies. “I just… I don’t know. I um, I think it’ll start getting better soon?”

Connor shrugs. “Yeah, maybe.” He knows he’s not convincing. He doesn’t think he can look at Evan and see if he looks disappointed or not.

There’s a silence that falls between the two of them, and although Connor wants to say something but all he can think about is how nice it would feel to be high or like, drag a blade across his wrists right now. To release the pain. To forget about the bad day.

“Maybe um, maybe you should sleep,” Evan says quietly. “Sometimes sleeping helps me? N-not that it’ll help you but um, it might.”

Connor nods. “I’m sorry I’m so lame tonight. I really am glad that you had a good day at work, Ev. I do want to hear about all your days, just like always.”

“I-I know,” Evan nods. He seems genuine. “But um, but you should feel better. You can’t um, you can’t force talking to me.”

“I’m sorry I’m a bad friend.”

“You’re _not_ , Connor,” Evan exaggerates. “I-I promise, you’re not.”

Connor just nods, unsure of what to say. Evan makes him promise to text him if he feels worse, which Connor immediately agrees to, mostly because he doesn’t think he should tell his parents because they’ll be overbearing, and also he knows that by promising that to Evan, Evan won’t sit up worrying about him all night.

He hangs up the FaceTime, letting his phone fall back onto the bed as he pulls his glasses off, setting them on his nightstand.

He falls asleep just as the sun goes down over the trees just outside his bedroom window, and while it’s early and he knows he should’ve just forced himself to spend time with his family, this seems like the better option.

Like maybe he’ll wake up and suddenly feel better, and his parents won’t be so disappointed in him all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/leaving comments/kudos :)
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr if you'd like :) for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on friday!


	12. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia and Connor bond, Larry and Connor struggle, and Zoe and Evan just want to help.

In the countless forums and articles Cynthia had read since Connor’s hospitalization, she found that exercise seemed to be good for people who were recovering. The sheer thought of getting Connor to even go for a walk with her seemed like a task that was going to be almost impossible to manage, and so she put it off. Tells herself that that step can wait, that maybe they should start smaller.

A cool day in July isn't something they’re used to out where they live, the humidity usually rolling in in late Spring and not leaving until it’s well into the Fall and the kids are back at school. Connor’s been home a few weeks now, and -- all things considered -- he's doing better. More stable, Cynthia thinks.

Zoe goes to work early that day, picking up a shift from one of her friends who was surprised with a weekend trip by her parents. The house is quiet once Zoe leaves, and so Cynthia passes her time on the forum again, reading up about transitioning and what other people have done to help their children once they’re home. Because even though things are better, Connor isn’t fighting therapy and he's talking to her more than he ever has, she’s still worried. Worried that one wrong move will push away all this progress.

Connor pulls himself out of bed just before 10, although he doesn’t look nearly as well rested as Cynthia would’ve hoped. Sleeping hasn't been easy for him for years, and Cynthia isn't ashamed to admit that some nights when sleep didn’t come easy for her she’d check in on her son, praying that he was at least getting some rest.

Connor gets his own breakfast, sitting down at the island as Cynthia silently gets him his pills. It’s their routine in the morning. Little conversation, Cynthia giving him his meds, Connor struggling to join the land of awake after what she can only assume is a restless night of sleep. She wants it to be different, but. She knows it’s going to take time. That Connor needs time.

“I was thinking about going for a walk this morning. It’s not too hot out. Do you want to come with me?” She asks after Connor has finished his bowl of cereal. He looks up at her as he rolls his pills between his fingers, sighing.

Connor knows this game. She’s not going to go if he says he doesn’t want to go. She won’t leave him alone, not that he thinks he deserves that yet. “Does it have to be a long walk?” He asks finally. And Cynthia smiles, shaking her head.

“No, of course not. It’s just not too humid and there’s a breeze. I thought it would be nice to get out, but we don't have to go long.”

Connor nods, standing up and putting his bowl in the sink before turning back around to face his mom. “I’ll go get ready then.”

—

For the first few minutes of the walk Cynthia and Connor don’t say anything. Cynthia had thought about asking Connor if he really wanted to wear a jacket, but then she remembers the scars lining his arms and how he's been hiding them for years, and she figures maybe he’s not ready to wear a shirt that shows them off.

“Did you sleep any better last night?” Cynthia asks, just like she had asked every morning since Connor woke up in the hospital. He doesn’t hate it, but. He’d rather her ask about pretty much anything else.

“A little, yeah," He shrugs. Shoving his hands into his pockets and taking slower steps. He doesn’t want to admit it to her — or to anyone, really — that he still feels weak. He’s stuck in this limbo of not knowing if it’s the meds that make him feel dizzy or the withdrawal still, and although his glasses really do help, he doesn’t want to have to wear them all the time. “I didn’t wake up as often. Just like, once and then when Zoe was leaving.” He pauses. “Where was she going so early anyway?”

“She offered to pick up a friends shift this morning. She shouldn’t be home too late if you wanted to do something with her.” Cynthia tries to hide the hopefulness in her voice. And then her smile falters when Connor just shrugs, mumbling something about how maybe he’d ask her to hang out.

Silence falls over the two of them as they begin making their way back towards the house. Connor looks tired, shoving his hands into the pocket of his jacket as he kicks the pebbles underneath his feet. The sun is beating down but isn’t offensive yet, and while Cynthia is grateful for that, she’s even happier that she managed to convince Connor to go with her.

“Can I ask you something? But you can’t get mad at me,” Connor says after a few minutes silence, which makes Cynthia laugh.

“Okay, go ahead,” She nods, looking over to her son.

Connor bites his lip, staring at the blacktop in front of him as he sighs. “If I had said that I didn’t want to go on a walk with you, would you have gone?”

Cynthia’s smile falters at the question, and Connor immediately regrets it. He thinks he knows the answer anyway, but for some reason he finds himself wanting to hear it from her, wanting to know that she’s not ready to leave him home alone yet.

“I just,” She pauses, sighing. “Dr. Taylor said right now it’s best that you’re not left alone. And it’s not that I don’t trust you, I just don’t want to say that you’d be fine for a half hour by yourself and then have something happen.”

Connor nods, but he can tell that his mom is waiting for his meltdown or freakout in the middle of their neighborhood. Which, to be fair, he really wants to do right now. But he doesn’t, and instead he takes a few deep breaths and looks over to his mom, nodding. “Okay,” He says quietly, balling his hand up into a fist and then releasing, looking back. “Will you ever trust me again to be alone?”

Cynthia gives him one of those smiles that makes his skin crawl now, one of the ones that makes it look like she feels awful for him and doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. “Of course I will. But let’s get you feeling better first, okay? Then we’ll work on the whole giving you more freedoms thing.”

Connor nods, turning up their driveway and following his mom back into the house, collapsing on the sofa. He doesn’t protest when she hands him a bottle of water, urging him to drink it to help make sure he stays hydrated.

He falls asleep before Zoe gets home, but when he wakes up and doesn’t feel like someone is sitting on his chest and he’s not as sad as he normally is, he figures maybe it really could be a good day. The first one in a long time.

—

The more Larry lets himself think about it, the more he realizes that avoiding any meaningful conversation with his son over the last three days probably isn’t what his wife meant by working on fixing their relationship.

They made made small talk a little, mostly at dinner. Connor would sit with them and watch TV at night now, but anything Larry asked was mostly met with mumbles or one word answers. He really shouldn’t have expected anything else, he should’ve realized that he was going to have to put effort into this, but.

He’s scared. That maybe Connor won’t want to fix what’s wrong between them. That maybe he let it get too far and now there's no going back to fix things.

After his afternoon meeting Larry walks back to his office and checks the time, deciding that it’s a good day to go early. He lets his coworkers know, promises to have his phone on if any major crisis happens, and then packs up for the day. Most of the office understands, they know that Connor was just in the hospital not long ago. Although Larry didn’t say it was because he had attempted to kill himself and they found him passed out in the park. He just said he was sick.

Larry figures he really should be used to the stares he gets from his family when he comes home from work early, but he figures the stare he’s giving right back when he notices Connor standing in the kitchen alongside his mother, clearly helping her get dinner ready.

“You’re letting him use a knife?” Larry asks. And then realizes that was the worst question he could’ve asked. Especially in front of his son.

Cynthia frowns. Connor tenses. And Larry wishes he could be swallowed whole or somehow reverse time so he could maybe not ask that question.

“I’m right here. He’s 17, Larry. He can use a knife. He’s used them before,” Cynthia argues.

Larry doesn’t think that excuse really works with their son who’s suicidal, but he manages to bite back that comment.

“It’s just… it’s only been a few weeks. I don’t know,” He sighs, undoing his tie.

Connor looks to relax a little, but his hands stay trained on the cutting board in front of him, and the speed of his cutting only gets faster. Larry wants to remind him to slow down so he doesn’t cut his fingers off.

Cynthia gives her husband a look like she doesn’t want to have this conversation with Connor in the room. And then she glances back at Connor. “I have no reason not to trust him to use a knife when I'm standing feet from him at the most.”

Connor sighs, his shoulders sagging. “Why do you care anyway?” He asks. Voice icy and distant. Larry snaps his attention to his son, who hasn’t even bothered to look up. “I mean would you really care if I cut or stabbed myself with this knife right now anyway? It’s not like you’d come to the hospital to see me. It’d just be Mom.”

Larry knits his eyebrows, looking back at his son. “What makes you say that, Connor? Of course I’d care if you hurt yourself. And I’d be at the hospital.”

Connor laughs at that, shaking his head. “You would? Because I was just in the hospital a few weeks ago. For five days. And you came maybe twice. Why would you come this time? Why would you care now?”

Larry feels like someone punched him in the stomach. The words sting, cutting deeper than anything Connor has said in years. His head falls, struggling to think of what to say to his son who thinks he doesn’t even care about him.

“Is that what you really think?” Larry asks, leaning against the back of the chair at the island. “You really think that I don’t care about you because I didn’t come to the hospital every day?”

Connor keeps chopping the vegetables. Refusing to turn around. “What else did you want me to think? How would I ever think that you cared when you barely came? God, even Zoe came more than you and she hates me!” His voice cracks at that. Cynthia looks helplessly between the two of them, but the one time Larry wants her to say something she doesn’t.

“Connor —“

"The last few years all you’ve done is tell me that I’m doing all of this for attention,” Connor cuts him off, his voice shaking. He drops the knife to the cutting board, turning around.

And that’s when Larry realizes that he’s crying.

“I know I’m pretty fucked up and my brain isn’t what you thought it was going to be, but… I thought maybe if you saw that I wanted to die. That I still want to die… I don’t know,” Connor shakes his head, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands underneath his glasses. “I just thought maybe you’d see that I wasn’t asking for help for attention. That I need help for real. That my brain is fucked up and I can’t just fix myself like you think I can.”

Larry doesn't think about it. He just walks across the kitchen and pulls his son into his chest so hard that it knocks both of their breaths away. But it’s needed, he knows. Connor is sobbing into his chest, his frail body heaving in his father’s embrace.

It’s in this moment that Larry realizes all the shortcomings he’s had as a parent. He hasn’t been the best, he knows. But he also knows that he should’ve been able to do the simplest of things — get his son help when he asked for it. Instead he said it was for attention. Pulled him out of therapy. Sent him off to some rehab that he knew wasn’t going to work, he just didn’t know what else to do. And then he pulled him off his meds when he decided — after three weeks — that they weren’t going to work. They weren’t going to make Connor better.

“Sorry isn’t going to make this better,” Larry mumbles when Connor’s settled down, pulling him from his chest as Connor pulls his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes better. “Sorry isn’t going to erase the fact that I haven’t been there for you. But I need you to tell me what you want from me. I don’t want to make this worse for you, I don’t want to overstep if you don’t want me there.”

Connor coughs. Takes a few deep breaths. And with watery eyes looks back up at his dad. “I need… I need you to support me. To help me,” He says quietly, his voice hoarse. “I need you to realize that I need all the help I can get. That these meds and the therapy don’t work right away. I need… time. I need you to give me time.”

Larry doesn’t hesitate. He just nods as if he knew that all along, as if it’s not everything that he hasn’t done previously. “I’m not leaving, Connor, okay? And I don’t think this is going to be instant, I don’t think you’re going to feel like you can come to me, but you can. Okay? You can, Connor. I’m going to be better.”

Connor just nods, desperately trying to get his emotions under control. “I’m going to go upstairs until dinner,” He mumbles. Grabs his glasses, and then passes by his dad as if things weren’t just insanely different than they normally are.

Cynthia looks back at her husband with teary eyes herself, a smile on her face. “Thank you,” She breathes out. Almost a sigh of relief. Like she’s grateful he finally came around. “You have no idea how much he needed that.”

Larry nods, walking over to where Connor had previously been standing to finish cutting up the vegetables. “I’m just sorry I didn’t do that sooner.”

—

There isn’t much that Connor has hid from Evan over the years. Except the suicidal thoughts. And the plan to kill himself.

Connor doesn't think those count. He can’t think of many people who _would_ willingly tell their friends they had planned out their suicide. At least not the one who plan to go through with it.

It’s like clockwork, Connor settles in as he waits for Evan to be done his internship so they can talk. The jealousy has mostly worn off, and for the most part Connor looks forward to listening to Evan talk about his day. Even though he doesn’t care about trees and half the things Evan says Connor doesn’t understand.

He figures he probably should’ve paid more attention in environmental science.

But today when Connor answers the FaceTime request he’s suddenly made painfully aware that it’s obvious he was crying.

And Evan picks up on it immediately.

"H-hey, um. Are you okay?” Evan asks timidly after a minute. Almost like he's half expecting Connor to freak out and say that he’s fine and that he has enough people asking him that and he doesn't want Connor to do that too.

But Connor sighs. “No,” He says. And picks at the hangnail on his finger. “Bad day. Well… bad afternoon.”

Evan frowns, and out of the corner of his eye Connor can see him shift on his bed. “Do you um, do you want to talk about it?”

Connor wants to say no. He wants to wallow in self pity, tell himself that he doesn’t deserve to tell people about his problems. That he has no reason to even be mad or upset and so talking about them won't make them any better.

But he remembers Dr. Taylor’s words, how he needs to help people in and stop acting like he’s an inconvenience. “My dad and I got in a fight.”

Evan hums, the frown etched on his face. Connor hates it. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me,” He bites. And then apologizes quietly.

“I-I don't feel sorry, Connor,” Evan says, which. Makes Connor smile partly, mostly because he doesn't expect Evan to say something like that. “I just… do you want to tell me what the fight was about?”

“Stupid stuff,” Connor sighs, falling back onto his pillows. “Shockingly I had a good morning. I even went for a walk with my mom, Evan. That’s how good the morning was.” Evan smiles. “And then I knew that I wasn’t feeling great but being alone probably wasn’t good either, so I offered to help with dinner. And she asked me to cut up the vegetables for her while she cooked the other stuff.”

Evan knows where this is going. Connor pauses, chewing on the inside of his lip, wondering if he even needs to say it at all. “My dad came home from work early and asked my mom if she was really letting me use a knife. As if I'm going to like, slice my wrists right in front of her.”

Evan cringes. Connor apologizes. “Anyway, my dad went on this rant about how it’s only been a few weeks since everything and she’s already letting me use a knife even though she was literally right there, and then I said something about how he doesn’t really care because if he did he would’ve come to the hospital more than he thought he did.”

There's a pause, one where Evan tries to think of something to say before he realizes that Connor isn’t done. “I _cried_ , Evan. Like my dad held me as I cried and he told me that he cared and he’s not going to leave me and he understands that I need help.”

“Do you believe him?” Evan asks, Connor’s breath hitching in his throat.

He thinks about the question for a moment, which is a loaded question, honestly. He hadn't even thought to think about what his dad said to him that afternoon. How he had cried in front of him for the first time in months, how his dad made all these promises he’s never made before and he's never even shown to be something he would do.

And then he thinks about how it felt to have his dad seem to care. To have his dad hold him while he sobbed, to make these promises. And he sighs. “I do,” He whispers. Almost as if he’s trying to convince himself. “I… it’s not going to be instant. But. I believe him.”

A smile spreads across Evan's face as he nods. “G-good. You um, you deserve this, Connor.”

Connor nods, biting his cheek until the overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry again goes away.

“So, tell me about your day. How was your internship?” Connor asks after a moment, and Evan’s smile gets wider as he launches into a story about something he and another intern got to do that day.

It made Connor feel better.

—

Zoe hasn't been good at the whole sibling relationship thing in like, years. Mostly since Connor started slipping away, she stopped trying to interact with him. She feared for her life, mostly, which. Sounds drastic, but when her brother — who is much taller and stronger than she is — is barreling up the steps behind her threatening to kill her because she mumbled something under her breath, she thinks it’s justified.

She’s still getting used to Connor not having a door on his room, which means she can hear his conversations and really anything else. It’s for his safety, she knows, but there are nights where she’d rather not have to listen to his and Evan’s FaceTime calls.

But tonight is different, and when Connor hangs up with Evan she gives it a few minutes before standing up, walking down the hall and knocking on his doorframe. “Want to talk?” She asks when he looks up, and then realizes that he’s probably going to say no.

He pauses, furrowing his eyebrows as if asking to talk was some sort of code for something. And then he nods anyway, sitting up as she walks in and pulls out his desk chair to sit in.

“Look, this is going to be shitty of me, but I heard you talking to Evan. And I was here when everything happened with Dad, but are you okay? Like truthfully, are you’re okay. I won’t tell Mom if you’re not unless you like, threaten to kill yourself or something. Then I have to tell her because I can’t deal with that.”

“Zoe,” Connor says, and Zoe looks up to see him smiling. “Stop rambling.”

Zoe apologizes quietly, crossing her legs and staring at her leggings until the pattern blurs.

“I’m um, I’m better. I don’t know. It’s not the best that I’ve felt, but. It’s not the worse since I’ve been home.”

Zoe nods as if anything he said made sense in her brain. “So you don’t feel like you want to hurt yourself or anything?” She asks, almost fearing the answer.

Connor sighs. “No, Zoe,” He says sharply, falling back against his pillows. “I would tell you if I did.” He quickly adds on, almost like he knows the next question.

“I’m trying to be better,” Zoe says softly. “But if you can’t tell me and you don’t want to tell Mom or Dad, I’m glad you have Evan. He’s cool, Connor. I’m sure he’d help you.”

Connor glances over at her, nodding slowly. “Yeah, he would,” He says quietly, and Zoe smiles standing up and saying something about how she’s going to her room, but he can come hang out if he wants.

He thanks her, and then spends the better part of the evening thinking about how grateful he is that Evan didn’t leave and that he’s willing to listen to Connor when his own thoughts scare him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos! hopefully you guys are enjoying this!
> 
> you can come talk to me/find me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on tuesday! :)


	13. Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor starts to understand more about recovery, and then fears that he's ruined everything with Evan.

There’s a certain sort of familiarity that comes with being in Dr. Taylor’s office now, Connor finds. He goes twice a week, which he thinks might be a little excessive, but. It helps, or at least Connor thinks it does. But it could just be wishful thinking.

It’s become a routine now, Cynthia staying in the waiting room while he’s back with Dr. Taylor. Cynthia has learned by now that he usually doesn’t want to talk about things after therapy, and so the two of them usually just go home, or on rare occasions, when Connor is feeling up to it, they go for ice cream or to a coffee shop to spend more time out of the house.

“So, how have things been the last few days?” Dr. Taylor asks, holding his notepad on his lap like he always does.

Connor fidgets, shrugging. “They’ve been fine, I guess,” He says. Which isn’t a lie, he just. Doesn’t really know how to answer that.

“And things with your dad have been better?”

Connor nods. “We talk more now. I tell him when he’s frustrating me, he actually listens when I say it’s a bad day and I need some time. I mean, it’s not much, but.”

“It’s a big step for you, Connor,” Dr. Taylor smiles. And then scribbles something down, which Connor has learned not to take personally.

“What about Zoe? Have you made anymore progress with her?” He asks. Connor expected it, but. It doesn’t mean he was ready to answer it. Had an answer ready.

“Kind of?” He finally says after a moment, folding his hands together. “I can tell she’s trying. I just… I don't know.”

“Do you not want her to try to repair the relationship between the two of you?” Dr. Taylor asks. Connor laughs, because out of all the questions he's been asked in therapy, this might be the most ridiculous one.

“Of course I want her to try to repair the relationship,” He says quickly, as if it’s the most obvious answers.

Dr. Taylor smiles. And then nods. “Then why do you seem so confused about the fact that she is trying?”

It’s a question that stumps Connor. Because he doesn’t _know_. He hasn’t thought about it all that much. Hasn’t like, even thought about why his sister putting in effort made him so confused or upset or whatever other feeling he’s felt since Zoe started reaching out more.

“I guess,” He says. And then stops, sighing. “I don’t know. I just didn’t think that she would be this on board with getting better. I was awful to her, you know? And when I was in the hospital the first thing I said to her when she came to visit I told her I didn’t know why she was being so nice to me and that there was no point.”

“A lot was going through your mind that day, Connor. I think she understood that.”

Connor shrugs. “Yeah, but she’s just… she’s being so nice about giving me a chance. I don’t know that anyone should be that nice to me. Especially after everything I did to her. Everything I put her through.”

Dr. Taylor writes something down. And then leans forward. “Connor, do you believe that you don’t deserve people to be nice to you or help you through things now that you’re medicated and seeing me?” He asks.

Connor goes to say something, and then stops himself. “I know I deserve it,” He says quietly, which. He doesn’t think he’s lying about, but he’s also still trying to convince himself. “I just. I don’t know that Zoe is the person that needs to be this nice to me. I’ve been awful to her. I used to threaten to kill her.”

“Do you think you would’ve actually killed her?”

Connor bites his lip. “No.”

“Do you think she believed you would try to kill her?”

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know. I think she was scared that I would.”

“Her being scared of you and her believing that you would have actually hurt her are two different things,” He points out, writing something down. “I think a good thing to work on this week is getting to the bottom of why she’s so willing to give you a second chance. Why she’s being so patient. Talk to her, have the hard conversations you seem to need right now,” He says, and then looks up. “Maybe have her come to one of our sessions one time if you think it would be beneficial.”

Connor nods, sinking further into the chair. He really doesn’t want Zoe to ever come to one of these sessions.

"How are things with your friends? Have you seen them much?” He asks, which. Connor wants to laugh at. Because he only has one friend and he isn’t completely sure that Evan won’t like, up and leave one day, which still terrifies him to the point where his mouth feels dry even thinking about talking about it.

"I um, I talk to Evan every day,” He says quietly, fiddling with the hair tie on his wrist. “He has his internship every day, but like we FaceTime? Or text? Which is nice, because other than that I really only have my family and sometimes they’re too much.”

Connor's waiting for a lecture that never comes, but instead Dr. Taylor just nods, writing something else down. “Do you think Evan helps your recovery?”

Connor doesn’t hesitate before he nods. “I know you said to not hang your recovery on people, and I’m _not_. But… Evan gets it. Like he’s on meds too and he understands when things are just too much and I’m just… I’m really lucky to have someone like him but sometimes I think I’m going to ruin it.”

“How so?”

“I don't know,” Connor shrugs, staring at his jeans. “I’m afraid that one day I’ll freak out and Evan will realize that he can’t deal with it anymore, and he’ll just like, stop being my friend. He’ll just say that he can’t put himself through this for his own mental health, you know? And then I’ll only have my family who are _trying_ , but they don’t get it.”

Dr. Taylor sets his pen down, staring back at Connor. “Connor, do you have any basis for these thoughts? Has Evan left you before? Said that your mental illness was inhibiting him recovering from his?”

Connor bites his lip, shaking his head. “I mean, no. But why wouldn’t it happen now? Like I’m more open about it now after everything. I wasn’t before. I didn’t talk about how I felt.”

“Do you think you’re better than you were a few years ago? Even a few months ago?” He challenges. Connor sighs.

“I guess?” He says, leaning back in the chair. “I feel more balanced. I don’t freak out as much, but I’ve never freaked out with Evan. He’s never made me freak out.”

“And you’re afraid that you may start now?” Dr. Taylor asks. He’s patient, but the more Connor hears it the more irrational it sounds.

He nods. “It’s ridiculous though, right?”

Dr. Taylor smiles. “It’s not ridiculous, no,” He promises. Connor believes him. “It’s normal, Connor. I think Evan means a lot to you, and you don’t want to lose him.”

Connor nods, unsure of what to say.

“You’ve been taking your medication, right? Not missing any doses or going off it?” He asks.

Connor shakes his head. “I’ve been taking it when I’m supposed to. I haven’t missed any doses.”

“Do you think it’s helping? Or do you think maybe you need something else.” Dr. Taylor asks, crossing his legs as he leans back in the chair.

“I think it’s working,” Connor says after a moment, which. He’s not lying. He doesn’t feel as depressed as normal. “I don’t want to try anything else yet. I want to give this a little more time.”

Dr. Taylor nods. “Have you had any suicidal thoughts? Suicidal ideation, thoughts of hurting yourself? I need you to be honest like always, Connor. Nothing leaves this room unless I feel that you’re in danger of seriously harming yourself or anyone else.”

Connor bites his lip. He's asked this every session, but. It never really gets any easier. “I’ve thought about like, cutting or hurting myself or whatever. I didn’t actually do it, but I had a few bad days and just thought that would help since I didn’t have access to weed or anything.” He almost feels like Dr. Taylor is going to stop the session and admit him to the psychiatric ward after admitting that, but. He just nods, tapping his pen.

“It’s good that you didn’t act on them, Connor. What stopped you? What did you do to stop the thoughts?”

Connor sighs. “I um, I read for a little? And I drew, and then I FaceTimed Evan. I don’t know, the thoughts never like fully went away? I just… I stopped them until I could sleep. And I fell asleep watching a movie so I wasn’t laying there thinking about it.”

Dr. Taylor smiles. “That’s excellent progress Connor, you know? You’ve come a long way in a few weeks. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to sit there and deal with those thoughts. Did you tell anyone that you were having them?”

Connor shakes his head. “My mom kind of like… she’s overprotective. And I know that if I told her she would freak out and I’d probably have to like sleep in her room or something. And then I thought about telling Zoe or Evan, but. I don’t think I’m there yet with Zoe and Evan panics and he probably would’ve told his mom. And she would’ve called my mom. And obviously my dad…” Connor says, gesturing with his hands as he trails off. Luckily Dr. Taylor seems to understand, nodding.

“Your urges aren't going to go away magically. Not all at once at least, but this is a big step. Learning to manage those feelings is something that’s going to be important, and you’re doing well so far. I want you to try to reach out though, tell someone how you’re feeling. Your mom just wants the best for you, as will Zoe and Evan. Next time you feel the urge to hurt yourself, try reaching out.”

Connor nods again, finishing up the session and standing up to make his way back out to his mom. She smiles at him, standing up and talking with Dr. Taylor for a moment before she walks back, following Connor to the car.

They don’t talk about the sessions much anymore, just when Connor brings things up. He knows she knows everything, but. He’s oddly grateful she doesn’t say anything because he really doesn’t think he can talk about how he’s thought about dragging a blade across his wrists again. Even though the questions must be lingering on her tongue, or one of her infamous speeches may want to make an appearance.

“Can Evan sleep over tonight?” Connor asks when they’re almost home, listening to the radio as he presses his head up against the window. “It’s been so long and he has a day off tomorrow. I just… can he?”

Cynthia looks to her son when she comes to a stop, smiling. “Sure, if he wants. You can text him and ask.”

Connor nods, pulling his phone out and sending a text to Evan. And then he spends the rest of the time thinking about how irrationally nervous he is about Evan coming over that afternoon. And the thought of them getting to spend time together again.

—

Evan’s learned that sometimes sleeping over Connor’s meant not talking for a while, which he was okay with. Because after a long day at his internship all he can think about is how nice it would be to just sit and do nothing. But with Connor instead of alone or with his mom.

“Can I um, can I ask you something?” Evan asks after a while. Because the question has been nagging his mind for weeks and he just… he wants to know. Even though he knows it might upset Connor.

Connor looks over, nodding before turning his attention back to staring at the ceiling.

“The um… the cuts. On your arms? H-how long have you been uh, doing that?” Evan asks. And then immediately folds in on himself, wishing he hadn’t said anything. It was just… he and Connor had been friends for years and Evan thought he knew everything about him, but. Then he remembers noticing the cuts when he visited him in the hospital and he just wanted to know. He has wanted to know for weeks.

Connor sucks in a deep breath. Clenches his fists, and then releases. “I don’t know. A few years,” He says quietly. Evan hears him sigh. “I just… my mind was a mess. Still is. And nothing helped, and when I couldn’t get my hands on weed I used Zoe’s razor.”

“Did it hurt?”

Connor laughs at that. “Well yeah, of course. But that was the point, wasn’t it?” He asks, shifting his attention back to Evan. “My life sucked so bad that I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to make it painful so that I could prove to myself that I was worthless and I was deserving of it to hurt.”

Evan frowns. “You could’ve um, you could’ve told me.”

“Didn't want to bring you down, too.”

Evan pauses. Another question lingers on his tongue, and before he can stop himself from asking, it just. Comes out. “Do you still do it?”

Connor bites his lip. “Not since the hospital,” He says. And Evan believes him. “But recently? Yeah.”

“But —“

“Can we not talk about this, Ev? I just… I don’t want to talk about it,” Connor says quietly, and immediately Evan nods, apologizing for bringing it up at all because what kind of best friend brings up the fact that you know your friend self harms? That you saw the scars and you were curious and so you just… asked.

“I’m sorry. I know I invited you over, but sometimes therapy takes a lot out of me and I just… I need to just lay and stare at the ceiling for a while,” Connor says quietly, moving his attention from the ceiling over to where Evan had been sitting.

Evan nods like he understands, sighing as he leans back in the desk chair. “Sometimes um, sometimes therapy is hard,” He says quietly. And Connor laughs lightly, nodding.

“Tell me about your day. I know you already talked about work, but like did anything else happen?”

Evan’s silent for a moment, desperately trying to think of something to say. He thinks about telling another story from work, but Connor doesn’t really understand and Evan doesn’t really think he wants to hear about trees again, so. He thinks of something else.

“I-I got an email from my dad,” Evan says quietly, drawing patterns against his jeans. “He’s coming to visit. H-his friend is getting married. He uh, he wants to see me?”

Connor shifts his attention to Evan now. Lately it’s been hard for Evan to read Connor’s thoughts like he normally could. Normally he’d be able to tell how Connor felt, but now… now he just sits there. And he isn’t sure he can tell anymore. He blames it on the fact that Connor wears his glasses all the time now and maybe even because he’s on meds, but. It really just makes Evan more nervous that Connor hates him.

“What are you going to do? It’s been a while since he’s talked to you, right? Do you even want to see him?” Connor asks, and for a moment Evan is overwhelmed by all the questions at once. He doesn’t _know_ how he feels, mostly because when he saw the email in his inbox he closed his laptop and panicked over it for almost an hour.

“I um, I don’t know,” Evan says after a moment, shaking his head. “I feel like I should want to see him, but um. I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to see him. He’s a dick, Ev. He left you and your mom and started a new life with a new family,” Connor says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. Evan cringes. “If you don’t want to see him, you shouldn’t. I don’t think you should just because you feel like you should.”

“I-I don’t know when he’ll be back after this. I-if he’ll be back,” Evan says quietly. “What if um, what if this fixes things?”

Connor sighs. Lets the silence in the room linger for a moment, which really only makes Evan more nervous because Connor already wasn’t in the best mindset and now he’s put this on him and it’s just… it’s a lot. And he still doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to it all.

“When is the wedding?”

“October. So um, so like two months.”

“Then I think you have time to wait and decide. You don’t have to tell him right now. He’s made you wait years, you can make him wait a few weeks.”

Evan nods, thanking Connor quietly as they both hear Cynthia call them down for dinner.

He waits until Connor pulls himself out of bed, the two of them making their way downstairs without another word, although Evan feels better. Like maybe if he just talks to Connor or his mom or _anyone_ more, the decisions won’t feel as scary.

—

Since the last sleepover, Connor and Evan had just decided that sleeping in the same bed maybe wasn’t a bad idea. Evan didn’t want to admit that he enjoyed it last time. Enjoyed the way he could feel Connor’s breathing beside him, the way he didn’t feel like he needed to be worried because it was _just_ his best friend, not some stranger.

And Connor definitely didn't want to admit that he felt better with Evan right there. Like maybe sleeping came easier and he didn’t wake up feeling as bad as he normally did.

But tonight Evan is riddled with anxiety for no reason at all, and as he lays in the bed he can’t help but fidget, trying to find a comfortable position and a way to just make his mind _stop_.

“You’re going to have to stop fidgeting if either of us are going to sleep.”

“S-sorry," Evan mumbles, turning on his side so he’s facing Connor.

Which ends up being a big mistake. Because now his face is inches from Connor, and god, he just wants to kiss him. And he knows he can’t.

But then Connor’s setting his phone down somewhere in the comforter, and his breathing is hot against Evan’s face, and.

His lips are on Evan’s.

It takes Evan a minute before he’s kissing back, but just as quickly as it happens Connor pulls away, shaking his head quickly.

“Fuck,” He murmurs under his breath, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed so his back is towards Evan. “Fuck, I’ve fucked everything up just like I always do.”

Evan sits up, leaning most of his weight on his arm as he tries to shake his head. He realizes Connor can’t see him.

“You um, you didn’t Connor!” He says quietly, watching as Connor gets up, pacing the room.

It’s the first time Evan is truly scared of Connor maybe ever.

“I just kissed my best friend. My only friend! While we were sharing a bed together, and what the fuck. How could I do this?! How could I be so stupid?”

Evan’s sitting up fully now, looking at Connor desperately. “It’s okay, Connor!” He tries, but Connor just ignores him.

“And now you’re going to tell everyone that I’m such a freak and why would you ever want to kiss me? And now you’re really going to leave me this time and I’m not going to have any friends all because I’m a fucking idiot who can’t control himself or his anger or anything! Fuck.”

“I wanted to kiss you, Connor!” Evan yells, which seems to be the only thing that just gets Connor to stop _spiraling_.

Evan just hopes none of the Murphy’s heard him.

Connor stares at him, his hands balled into fists and his breathing erratic. “You’re just saying that so I don’t freak out.”

Evan shakes his head violently. “I-I’m not! I like you, Connor! I-I want to kiss you!”

The room falls silent. Connor’s eyes fall to stare at the ground. Evan desperately tries to think of something to say, but nothing comes to mind. At least nothing that won’t make things worse.

“I’m going to sleep on the sofa,” Connor decides, and before Evan has a chance to beg him to stay, tell him that he wants to kiss him again and hold him while they sleep, Connor’s grabbing the pillow from the bed and moving downstairs.

Evan thinks about following him, but falls back against the pillows and decides against it. He’s pretty sure it’ll only make things worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! i'm lowkey sorry for leaving you like this haha but only a few days until you know what happens!
> 
> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :) [i went to mike's last show this weekend if you'd like to read a recap of that :)](https://for-f0rever.tumblr.com/post/173896276548/okay-so-like-i-did-with-my-post-when-i-saw-noah)
> 
> more on friday!


	14. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan talk, and Zoe confesses a secret to Connor.

Since the kids were little Cynthia had always gotten up with Larry when he got ready for work. It gave her a few extra hours to herself, a few hours of quiet where she was able to get things done and relax before she needed to start getting Connor and Zoe ready for school.

That hasn’t changed, only now most of the morning while Larry is getting ready Cynthia sits in bed reading through the forums that other parents wrote on about their children, desperately praying for someone to write a miracle cure that instantly made things better. She knows it’s not realistic.

“Connor is asleep on the sofa,” Larry says as he walks back into the room, standing in front of his mirror to tie his tie. “I just went downstairs to start the coffee since I’m running a little late and I saw him there. Evan’s in Connor’s bed asleep.”

Cynthia looks up from her laptop, furrowing her eyebrows. “I wonder why. Normally they just share the room or they share the bed,” She says out loud. Larry nods. “I hope nothing happened.”

“I’m sure they’re fine. Connor was asleep, but maybe he had trouble falling asleep and didn’t want to keep Evan awake,” Larry shrugs, knotting his tie and turning back to his wife. “I’m sure it’s fine, honey.”

Cynthia nods, although she isn’t completely convinced that things are okay.

She pulls herself out of bed when Larry goes to leave, making herself coffee quietly, checking on Connor mostly for her own sanity. He’s sleeping soundly, and although she knows she’s risking waking him up the mother in her grabs the blanket, resting it on him gently.

“Why is Connor sleeping on the couch?” Zoe asks when she comes down ready for work, glancing into the other room where she can just barely make out her brother asleep.

Cynthia sighs, grabbing the travel mug for Zoe to make her own coffee. “I don’t know. Your father found him there this morning when he came down to get ready for work,” She sighs, looking out again. “But he’s asleep, and so I’m not going to question it. We just need to be quiet so it stays that way.”

Zoe nods, floating through the kitchen quietly as she gets ready for work. It’s a normal morning, minus the nagging in Cynthia’s mind that when the boys wake up there’s going to be a huge fight and things are going to go downhill. She wants to be wrong, but. She can’t ever remember Connor sleeping in a separate room from Evan.

Zoe leaves, and although there’s a million things Cynthia thinks she should be doing she sits down with a book instead. And tells herself that because it’s a self-help book it’s helping her see what she needs to do for Connor.

She barely hears the footsteps walking into the room, looking up when she notices the blanket draped around her son, the excess dragging on the floor behind him. “Morning, baby,” She says, smiling as Connor yawns. “We were surprised to find you on the couch this morning. Is everything okay?”

Connor nods, his face paling slightly. His mind immediately travels back to the night before, and although he really _didn’t_ hate it, he’s not entirely convinced that Evan is going to wake up and say that he hated it and he doesn't want to be friends anymore, and he just. He can’t tell his mom that. Mostly because he hasn’t even told her that he’s gay or at least bi and he’s not even sure how she would take that or whatever.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Connor shrugs. “I just didn’t feel that great last night and figured rather than tossing and turning in bed and keeping Evan awake I would just sleep down here.”

He hates the excuse he came up with the minute it leaves his lips. Because now Cynthia is frowning and leaning forward to feel his forehead, and Connor knows that means she’s probably going to hover even more than she normally does.

“You don’t feel warm,” She says quietly, pulling her hand away. “Maybe it was just an overnight thing. Or a withdrawal symptom still. Are your glasses upstairs?”

Connor nods, pulling the blanket further around him. “I’m actually going to go see if Evan is awake. I’ll put them on, maybe it’ll like balance me out or whatever. But I do feel better already,” Connor shrugs. And turns on his heels before his mom can say anything else.

The truth is, he's terrified to go upstairs. He knows he’s been waking up early, barely sleeping much at all, but he also knows that Evan will wake up soon. And then they’re going to be faced with everything that happened the night before, and. Connor doesn’t know if he’s ready to have that conversation.

He reaches the top of the steps and pauses, taking a deep breath. He’s almost hoping Evan isn’t awake, because that would mean putting off the conversation which means more time for Connor to like, think about what he’s going to say to not lose his best friend because he _kissed_ him because he’s an idiot or something.

But then he turns the corner into his room and Evan is laying there awake, scrolling through his phone.

And then he looks up. And smiles. “Morning,” He says quietly, and Connor hates that his heart speeds up as he stares at his best friend.

So instead of saying anything he smiles and walks across the room, grabbing his glasses off his nightstand and sitting down on his window seat. He doesn’t think sharing the bed with Evan is the right thing to do in this moment.

“We um, we should probably talk about last night,” Evan says after a moment, locking his phone and setting it down on the bed.

“I know,” Connor mumbles. And leans his head back against the pillows. “I just… I don’t know where to start.”

“I-I didn't hate it,” Evan mumbles after a pause. And smiles at Connor when he looks at him. “Like um, I just wasn’t expecting it? But. It wasn’t a bad thing.”

“You’re not just saying that, right? Because if it did freak you out and you’re only saying that because you don’t want me to freak out on you then please don’t. Just… I can’t deal with that. If you want to leave you can leave and you probably shouldn’t be my friend anymore because how could you be friends with someone who just kisses you without even asking, especially when they’re supposed to be your best friend.”

“Connor!” Evan says, cutting Connor’s train of thought off with a smile on his face. “I um, I didn’t hate it. I didn’t uh… I liked it. A-and I’m glad you did it.”

“I’m sorry for freaking out last night. And a little this morning,” Connor mumbles, looking back to Evan.

“You can’t help it.”

“Doesn't make it okay.”

Evan shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say.

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend. All I can think about is how fucked up I am, and how someday you’re going to realize that I’m too far from saving and you’re not going to want to be friends with me anymore because being seen with the school freak isn’t something you want, and —“

“Con. I’m never going to think that,” Evan promises. Like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Connor just nods. He doesn’t know what else to say.

Connor blushes, nodding as he sighs. “So, if you liked it. Where do we go from here?”

Evan shrugs. “Can we um, can we kiss again?”

Connor looks up, raising his eyebrows. “You want to kiss me again?”

And now it’s Evan’s turn to blush as he smiles, staring at his lap. “Y-yeah. If you want to.”

Connor doesn’t say anything. He just stands up, walks back to his bed. And leans over, gently kissing Evan again.

Somehow it feels even better in the morning.

“I don’t want to label this yet because I think we should probably take time to think about this. Like, I’m really messed up, Ev. And I want you to make sure that you’re ready to be with me or whatever. Or that we’re both mentally ready for this. Because I can’t… I don’t want to bring you down with me when you’re doing _so_ much better.”

“O-okay,” Evan nods. But he’s still impossibly close to Connor and he kinds of wants to kiss Connor again because it just felt so… right. Like everything he had been waiting for even though he _knows_ that he and Connor need to take this slow. Need to take time to figure things out.

But he kisses him anyway. One more quick peck before he falls back onto the pillows, leaving Connor staring at him. “Did you um, want to watch a movie or something? Or eat?”

Connor laughs, shaking his head as he runs his fingers through his hair. “We should probably eat and take our meds. Then we can watch a movie,” He promises. And Evan nods, standing up and following him downstairs.

When their hands brush together neither of them pull away, which. Connor thinks he likes. More than he thought he would.

—

Evan leaves just after lunch when his mom gets off work, but Connor doesn’t stop thinking about Evan and how for once he didn’t ruin anything even though nothing is official, and he just. He doesn't know how to feel about most things but he _knows_ that liking Evan really isn’t going to go away now.

Not that he wants it to.

He tries busying his mind by reading or drawing, but nothing helps him stop his mind from spiraling, stopping it from thinking about a million things and how there’s still a really good chance that he could still ruin things with Evan or that when Evan left his house today it would be the last time they hung out because Evan would realize that he couldn’t be with someone like Connor.

He jumps out of his skin when there’s a knock on his doorframe.

“Sorry,” Zoe mumbles when he looks up, eyes wide and breathing erratic. “I thought you would’ve heard me coming up the steps.” She pauses, looking back at him. “You good? You’ve been up here for hours Mom said. Which is _fine_ , but. I don’t think you’re supposed to be alone if you want to get better.”

“Why are you so willing to… fix everything with me?” Connor asks, and it’s abrupt. He thinks about shaking his head quickly, telling her that he doesn’t really want to talk about this, it’s just a question that popped into his mind and then he accidentally said it.

But Dr. Taylor told him how important it was to talk with Zoe, and although his mind is beginning to spiral and he feels like the anxiety is going to kill him, he knows that they need to do this. And he also really wants to know the answer to the question.

Zoe furrows her eyebrows, staring back at her brother. “What?” She asks. Almost like she doesn’t believe that Connor could even be asking her this.

Which, of course. He doesn’t know why she wouldn’t be freaked out. And now whatever sort of relationship they had fixed was just going to go away because her freak of a brother wanted to know why she was being nice to him even though it’s all he’s ever wanted.

“You’re just… I don’t know,” He sighs, shaking is head. “When you first came to visit me in the hospital I was so mad. I was awful to you, and I have been for years. But you showed up and you sat there even when I was so mean to you. And now I’m on meds and I’m _not_ better, I’m not. But you asked me to watch movies with you and you talk to me and when I’m having really bad days and when I freak out at you or whatever, and. Just why? Why are you suddenly being so patient?”

The room falls silent, which doesn’t help Connor feel any better, really. Because now he thinks he’s upset her and he’s still thinking about how Evan is plotting to not be friends anymore and now he’s wondering how many relationships with people he can ruin in one day before it’s considered a record.

But instead of Zoe saying she doesn’t want to talk about this and walking away before he can apologize or like, beg for her forgiveness, she’s sitting down in his desk chair and folding her hands in her lap, staring at the floor.

“I… I don’t know if I should tell you how I’m feeling and why I’m suddenly like this. I don’t know if you’re ready,” She says quietly, refusing to look at him.

“Zoe,” Connor says. Pleads. “I’m fine. I just… I want to know. I can handle it.” He doesn't know if he believes that. Can he really handle it? He… doesn’t know. He thinks it may make things worse.

Zoe shakes her head. The breath that leaves her lips seems so uncertain, so worried. And Connor doesn’t know what to say to her. Because now he really wants to know and even though he thinks maybe telling her she doesn’t have to say he also needs to know.

“I…” Zoe pauses. Forces herself to look up at her brother. “I’m the one that found you that night.”

Connor feels the air leave his chest. Almost as if someone was sitting on it, maybe even holding their hands against his neck, not letting him breathe. “Zoe…”

Zoe waves her hand, shaking her head. “When Evan called and said that he thought you were in trouble because of the text you sent him and then we realized you were missing, I went through your room to find _anything_ that maybe would give away where you were.”

Connor falls back against his pillows. Clenches his fists. Because, oh. He had left his journal. Where he wrote down his plans. Not explicitly, but clearly enough. “You found my journal,” He mumbles.

He can see Zoe nod out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t know why I got out of the car as fast as I did when we got to the park. I don’t know why I ran up the hill, why I wanted to find you so bad. But…” She trails off. Lets out a shaky breath. And sighs.

“I didn't know,” Connor whispers. Feeling like he’s going to cry.

“I know,” Zoe mumbles. “You just… your lips were _blue_ , Connor. You were so pale and you had thrown up all over yourself and your breathing was _insane_. Like. Barely breathing. And I shook you and smacked your face but you just moaned and coughed and took this insane breath in that sometimes when I think about that day I hear all of that in my mind and I just… I don’t know.”

Zoe looks back at him. Her eyes are blurred, but judging by how her brother’s glasses are now resting on the bed and his hands are covering his face, she doesn’t think he’s doing much better. “I think that’s why I’m so willing to fix this. To try and help you. Because I saw the way that you were almost dead and no matter how awful you’ve been to me over the years, I don’t want you to die.”

Silence falls over the two of them once more, mostly because Connor doesn’t know what to say to his sister after she had poured her heart out like that to him.

He hadn't even thought about how he had been found. He didn’t… it just never crossed his mind. He knew obviously someone had, and maybe he just assumed it was a stranger or something because he always figured that if it was someone in his family they would’ve like, told him earlier. But they didn’t, and now he has to live with the fact that his little sister was the one that found him overdosing on pills.

He thinks about saying something to her, but before he can Zoe is moving to his bed, leaning over and pulling him in for a hug he didn’t even realize he needed.

“I’m sorry. For being awful, for overdosing and leaving you to find me.”

“It’s in the past, right?” She asks, pulling away to look at him.

Connor sighs. “Doesn’t make it okay. Doesn’t make any of this okay.”

Zoe nods. “You can try to push me away all you want, but I’m not leaving, Con. I’m going to help you and I want you to let me help you. And also work with me to repair all this.”

“Okay,” Connor nods. “I really am trying.”

“I know,” Zoe smiles. “And that’s a great start. Better than ever before.”

Connor lets the silence fall over the two of them, listening to his mind desperately try to make sense of everything that had happened that day. Because that morning he woke up on the sofa after kissing his best friend the night before and although Evan said he liked it, he can’t really confirm that because he doesn’t think they should jump into anything, even if Evan said that he wanted more.

But now his sister just told him that she’s the one that found him overdosed in the park and he doesn’t know how to interpret that because he’s pretty sure that there’s nothing he could say that would make that better or fix things for her.

And then he thinks about how his arms ache for a release and his mouth is dry and he really wishes he could just get so high that he doesn’t remember any of this, but. He’s trying to be better.

“I can’t stop my mind from spiraling,” He says quietly after a moment, falling back against the pillows. Staring at the ceiling, refusing to look at his sister. “It’s been happening a lot lately. Like, I can’t stop myself from thinking about all these thoughts and then I always think about how easier this would be if I could just like, hurt myself. Or get high. Just for a relief.”

“How long has this been happening?” Zoe asks. She’s not accusing, more just. Asking.

“I don’t know, a few days maybe?” He says. Which isn’t a lie, but. It really hasn’t been _that_ bad. “But today it’s been the worst. That’s why I’ve been up here. Because I can draw and try not to think about the fact that there is something in this house that I could use to hurt myself that isn’t locked up.”

Zoe starts to say something, but then stops herself. And folds her hands in her lap again. “I don’t think you’re supposed to isolate yourself, Con. Have you told Mom or Dad that you’ve been feeling like this lately?”

Connor laughs. “No? Mom would hover even more. I’d probably have to have her like, sleep on my floor or something. And Dad is doing better, but. God. He’d never understand this. He’d freak out.”

Zoe sighs, but she understands. “You can tell me, you know. If you feel like that.”

“Didn’t know if we were close enough,” He mumbles.

“I don’t think that should fit into how we feel about each other. If you feel like this, you should tell me. I don’t care if we just got in the biggest fight or whatever. You not hurting yourself is more important than us being mad at each other.”

“Okay,” Connor nods. And then forces himself to look at his sister. “I don’t think I can be alone right now. But. I also don’t think I can get out of bed right now.”

Zoe frowns. She stands up, walking over to Connor’s shelves and picking out a movie, to put on.

Connor watches as she crosses the room, situating herself on the window seat to watch a movie with her brother as if this was something normal that they did all the time.

“You need to reach out like this every single time. Text me or Mom. Mom wants to help, she wouldn’t freak out if you told her you need space but you don’t want to be alone. And then you can tell Dad with time. But you need to reach out,” Zoe says quietly as she looks over at her brother.

He looks exhausted burrowed in the blankets and pillows, his art abandoned on the bed next to him. Zoe almost worries that she should get her mom. That maybe this feeling was something she couldn’t deal with alone.

“Okay,” Connor whispers, shifting his attention back to the TV.

The thought of telling Zoe that he kissed Evan crosses his mind, but. He can’t bring himself to say it. Can’t bring himself to have that conversation right now.

So he just bites his tongue, watching the movie with his sister in hopes that it stops all the thoughts in his mind that are threatening to take over even more than they already have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for leaving you hanging last chapter but now the secret is out and they talked and they're kind of a thing? so i didn't leave you hanging for too long!
> 
> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	15. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan confesses something to his mom, Connor talks through things in therapy, and Jared and Connor talk.

Evan spends most of the afternoon in this limbo of wanting to kiss Connor again and wanting to like, forget about it for the most part. It’s just… Connor is his best friend. And he has been for years, and while he _really_ liked kissing him, he just. Didn’t know if it was the right thing because what if something happened and he lost him forever?

“You've been quiet since we got home,” Heidi finally says after they spent the afternoon reading. And Evan snaps his head up, wondering how he’s supposed to answer that. “I never did ask you how sleeping at Connor’s was last night.”

“O-oh,” Evan stutters, setting his book down on his chest and sitting up. “It was um, it was nice. Connor is… doing better.”

Heidi smiles. “He seems to be a little more balanced. I think those meds are doing him a world of good.” She pauses, bookmarking her place and looking back at her son. “How are you doing? You seem a little.. off.”

Evan sighs. Thinks about lying to her, saying that he’s fine and it’s just a weird day, but. He also knows he’s a terrible liar and she’s going to know he’s lying and that will really only make things worse. “I um, can I tell you something?” He stutters out, because he figures that if he’s going to tell her that he kissed Connor last night before they went to bed then he should probably tell her that he’s at least bi. Maybe gay. He doesn’t really know.

He hasn’t really ever thought about it.

Heidi looks at him in concern, but nods immediately. “Evan, of course you can. You can tell me anything, you know. Whatever’s on your mind.”

And Evan _does_ know that. In reality he knows that she’s probably going to be cool with whoever he likes, but he still feels like he could throw up or like, pass out or something. Just because he isn’t sure what she’s going to say or how she’s going to feel about the fact that he kissed his best friend when he was just supposed to be sleeping over.

“I um… I-I think I might be bi?” Evan says, promptly folding in on himself and refusing to look at his mom because he said something that he doesn’t know if he should’ve said and now he wishes he could fall in a hole or erase his mom’s mind and make her not remember that he even said this at all.

“Evan, you know that’s perfectly fine, right?” Heidi asks. But Evan just nods quickly, not totally confident that if he opened his mouth he wouldn’t throw up. “Ev, you can like whoever you want. I just want you to be happy.” She pauses, and Evan still can’t look up at her but he’s fairly sure he can hear the smile through her words. “Are you telling me this because of Connor?”

Evan sucks in a breath. And chokes on his spit, his eyes wide as he folds his arms over his chest. “Ikissedhim,” He says quickly, which. Evan knows it wasn’t coherent.

So he stops. Takes a deep breath. And stares at the pattern of his sweatpants because that’s far less intimidating than staring at his mom. “I-I kissed Connor. Last night.”

“Is that a bad thing? Did he want to kiss you?” Heidi asks gently. Evan can’t help but wonder why he said anything at all because he definitely _didn’t_ want to talk about kissing Connor with his mom.

“I… yeah he did,” Evan concedes. And then forces himself to look up. “B-but he said that we um, we probably shouldn’t label it because… because he’s messed up. And he doesn’t um, want to bring me down.”

Heidi frowns. “Connor is in really good care, but it might be a good idea for you two not to label anything just yet. Just see where it goes,” She shrugs. And maybe telling her wasn’t that bad because she actually didn’t suck at advice and he did feel a little better.

“P-please don’t tell Mrs. Murphy. Connor would um, he’d kill me.”

Heidi laughs. “I won’t, Ev.”

And so Evan lets the conversation die. But picks up his phone, scrolling to Connor’s messages.

_I told my mom I was bi._

He doesn’t know if he should expect a text back. Is it wrong to tell your best friend you’re bi over text? Had he even mentioned about being bi? Was this just because he thought Connor was cute and he wouldn’t mind dating him?

His phone buzzes him out of his thoughts.

**That's good :) I’m sure she took it well. Do you feel better telling her?**

_Yeah a little. Your parents don't know do they?_

Connor answers quicker this time, the text startling Evan.

**About me being probably gay? No. My dad would probably kick me out. If the mental illness shit isn't enough me not being straight would probably kill him.**

Evan goes to answer, but Connor begins typing again and so he waits.

**I felt like I couldn’t be alone. Zoe and I are watching a movie. I’m fine. I just. My brain won’t stop. So… meh afternoon.**

Evan sighs. Acknowledges his mom when she gets up to say that she’s going to find something for dinner, and then turns back to the texts.

_Maybe try sleeping. I'm glad Zoe is with you though. Call me if you feel worse or if you need to talk._

He leaves his phone on the couch and decides to help his mom with dinner. Praying that it just helps calm him down. Makes him less anxious.

—

If anyone were to ask Connor, he doesn’t think he would admit that he almost enjoys going to Dr. Taylor’s office now. It’s just… he feels safe there. And he knows he’s probably one step away from being admitted to a psych ward — which he narrowly escaped this time — but. Dr. Taylor seems to understand him. Understand why he feels the way he does even though he has no reason to. Even though… even though everything is fine in his life.

“You wrote down on your sheet that you feel like you’ve been spiraling, Connor. Can you tell me more about what you mean?”

Connor sighs. “I just… my brain hasn’t really stopped spinning. There’s like a million thoughts running through it all the time and I can’t… I can’t seem to stop them. I can’t just relax and tell myself that it’s fine, that I’m fine. And… I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

“Connor, it’s not stupid,” Dr. Taylor reminds him. “Nothing you ever say in here is stupid. Do you want to try to unpack what you’ve been thinking about? Take your time.”

Connor nods. Rubs his hands against his jeans, trying to just _calm down._ Tell himself that he’s in the right place and Dr. Taylor won’t judge him or tell anyone.

“I did what you said. I talked to Zoe. Asked her why she seemed to be so willing to help me when I didn’t deserve to be forgiven that easily because I was awful to her,” Connor begins, trying desperately to not freak out. Not start having a panic attack in the middle of the therapist’s office because that would be embarrassing.

“She told me that… that she was the one that found me.”

He hears Dr. Taylor sigh. “Do you think that’s what started this spiral? Knowing that your sister was the one that found you that night?”

Connor shakes his head. “She told me that after. Like I was having a bad night but we were talking and she just… said it. Said that’s why she was so willing to help me. But like, it didn’t help make my thoughts any better.”

Dr. Taylor nods like he understands. “Is there another moment this week that you felt like made you spiral?”

Connor thinks about asking if he can leave. Running out of the room, back to his mom. And just begging her to take him home, away from where he has to do anything but think about the last few days.

But. He thinks that would be pretty childish, and then Dr. Taylor will probably like show up at his house and admit him to a psych ward at this point because he refuses to talk about what’s making him spiral.

“I… I think I like my best friend,” Connor finally says, which doesn’t really make him feel any better. Makes him actually feel worse, because now he’s said it out in the open and he can’t really deny it. “Which I don’t want to because I’m going to ruin it, you know? Like I’ll do something that will push him away or if we get together then I’ll do something to ruin it and I’ll lose him as a best friend, too.”

“Connor, breathe,” Dr. Taylor says, cutting him off. And so Connor listens, mostly because he knows that this therapy session will never end until he just calms down and stops spiraling even though that’s really hard for him to not do right now. “Why do you think that if he knew this it would ruin things? Does it come off that way when you’re around him?”

Connor really wants to like, punch the wall or something. Because he doesn’t know how to answer any of these questions but he’s still fairly positive he’s right, and. He sighs. “No, he doesn’t. I just. I’m so messed up, and if I like make this official then he’ll really see how messed up I am and he’ll just leave and I’ll go from having one friend to having a boyfriend to… to nothing at all.”

“First of all, you’re not messed up,” Dr. Taylor says. And writes something down, which Connor interprets as some sort of punishment and he’ll probably tell his mom that he feels like this and then she’ll just keep asking him about who he likes and that will _definitely_ make him worse, and.

“Connor, are you listening?”

Connor shakes his head, leaning back and sighing. “I’m sorry, I just —“

“Take a deep breath,” Dr. Taylor repeats. And Connor listens, taking a deep breath and sinking into the chair.

The silence is deafening, and Connor wishes he could just like, leave the room. End the session for the day, tell him that he just can’t do it anymore and he really just needs to sleep and he’ll do better next session.

“I think right now what you need to do is to focus on your relationship with your sister and your family. Spend time with your best friend, but don’t push things further right now. I don’t know that you’re ready for a relationship just yet, but I think with time maybe you can work up to that.”

Connor nods, chewing on the inside of his lip as he tries to let that sink in. “Do you think I’m going to ruin things with him though? Like don’t you think he’ll hate me if I say I can’t do this or if he hangs out with me and suddenly realizes that I’m so much worse than he apparently thinks I am?”

“No, Connor,” Dr. Taylor smiles. “I don’t think that. In fact, I think you’re being incredibly harsh on yourself. Since your hospital stay I’ve seen incredible change in you, and I think if you took a step back and reflected on things, you’d see that change too.”

Connor _has_ thought about it. And he knows the meds are helping and things are getting better, but. He can’t get his hopes up. Because most of the time he does think things are getting better he relapses to an even worse state, and. He can’t imagine that that won’t happen this time.

He doesn’t remember much of the end, but Dr. Taylor lets him leave after reminding him what to work on, and Connor walks back to the waiting room defeated.

“You okay?” Cynthia asks when they walk out to the car, her hand fishing through her purse for the car keys.

“Can we just go home?” Connor asks. Cynthia’s smile falters, but she nods anyway, unlocking the car without another word.

—

Connor figured it was probably a bad sign that he was trying to think of excuses to not go to Evan’s that night with his parents for dinner.

But the Kleinman’s were also going to be there, and. Connor just didn’t think he could deal with that right now. Not when his mind was swirling with a million thoughts and he still had a fucking huge crush on Evan that wasn’t really going away, and he was fairly sure Jared would catch on and just tease him endlessly like he has been since they met in elementary school.

“Connor, Evan has been the one person you wanted to hang out with since you’ve been home. Why are you suddenly so against going to the Hansen’s for dinner?” Cynthia asks, exasperated by the argument that she had been having with her son. Which. Connor thinks she should be grateful for, because he’s been too exhausted to argue since he’s been home from the hospital and now he’s not.

Progress.

“I just… I don’t really feel like going out or leaving the house tonight. I had therapy, I’m tired,” Connor counters. Because he doesn’t think he can outright say that he doesn’t want to go because he thinks Evan is cute and he’s kissed him before and wants to be with him. Or that Jared Kleinman is going to be there and he’s going to tease him like he has been off and on since elementary school.

Cynthia frowns, pinching the bridge of her nose between her eyes. “Con, I already told Heidi that the three of us were coming. Do you really think you can’t spend a few hours at dinner? We can come home if you get worse.”

Connor thinks about freaking out. Saying that he can’t do this and she’s making him do too much, but. He knows that’s bratty, and in all honesty, she’s really not asking for much. Just a night at his best friend’s.

Who he has a huge crush on.

“Fine,” Connor sighs. Running his hands through his hair. “But if I feel awful will you please bring me home? Even if Dad freaks out and says that I’m just being dramatic.”

Cynthia nods immediately. “I promise you we’ll leave if you really don’t think you can do it,” She says. Which Connor can live with. “Go get ready, please. We’re leaving soon.”

—

The Kleinman’s car is in Evan’s driveway before the Murphy’s arrive, which really only makes Connor more nervous. Cynthia nudges his leg with her hand, but he recoils and then immediately feels awful when Cynthia looks defeated, stepping out of the car without saying a word.

“Evan and Jared are upstairs if you’d like to go up, Connor,” Heidi smiles, and Connor thanks her, disappearing up the steps before anyone says anything to him, because the Kleinman’s are staring and Connor can only imagine that they know that he tried to kill himself and he’s a problem and they’d probably ask him all the questions about how he’s feeling when they don’t really _care_ , they just feel obligated to say something.

As Connor climbs what seems to be the never-ending staircase all he can think about is how he wishes he was a little high for this, or that Zoe was at least there so when things got tense she could deflect for him.

“You’re here,” Evan says. And Connor looks up, not even realizing that he was standing in Evan’s open doorway, where he and Jared had been playing video games on Evan’s TV. “I um, I texted to ask when you were coming.”

Connor sighs, walking in and pulling out the desk chair in Evan’s room. “Oh,” He sighs, pulling his phone from his back pocket. And noticing the texts from Evan. “I didn’t look at my phone for most of the afternoon.”

Evan nods, the concern on his face flashing across for a moment before he shifts his attention back to Jared. “I um, do you want to play? I-I don’t have another controller, but. You could take my turn?”

Connor thinks about saying yes. Keeping the peace, not being difficult. But he’s never been very good at video games anyway, and he knows Jared would probably just tease him about it and he doesn’t think he can take it tonight.

“I’ll just watch, it’s okay,” He says quietly. Evan flashes him another look of concern, but Connor just looks down at his jeans and stares at it until the pattern blurs from behind his glasses, really not wanting to do this right now.

Evan announces that he has to go to the bathroom, which means Connor is left alone in the room with Jared and suddenly he feels like all the air left with Evan and he’s probably going to pass out the longer he sits there and thinks about things.

“Hey,” Jared says when the bathroom door shuts across the hall. And Connor can’t bring himself to look up. “I know I’ve been an asshole to you for years. I’m sure I’ve made your life a living hell, and I’m sorry for that.”

Connor looks up, furrowing his eyebrows. “Thanks?” He says, but it really comes out as more of a question and he swears he can see Jared smile at that.

“I know you mean a lot to Evan, and. I know it’ll probably take a while for you to forgive me, because god it’s been years of me being awful. But I don’t want to be like this when you mean this much to someone who I’m close to.”

Connor’s genuinely caught off-guard by this. He didn’t think that Jared would ever like, apologize for all the torture he’s put Connor through over the years. But now that he _has_ , Connor still doesn’t know what to say. “I — thanks,” Connor finally says, which. Doesn’t seem like enough. “I mean, it’ll probably take me a while to like, fully forgive you. But this is a start,” He sighs. Which seems enough for Jared.

“I like your glasses, by the way,” Jared says after a beat. And Connor can feel himself getting angrier.

Because Jared wouldn’t say that unless he was making fun of him, right? This is why he doesn’t wear his glasses normally, because people call him four eyes and tell him that it makes him look like a nerdy school psychopath, and. Now it’s happening again, only this time Jared apologized only to make fun of him half a second later, and now he’s getting mad again and he wants to freak out and throw something, but. Jared’s voice cut him off.

“Connor, I’m being serious,” He says after a moment. “I’ve been looking at new glasses? And yours are cool.”

And. Oh. Connor feels like an idiot now, and he knows his face is bright red and so he just stares at his lap, trying to un-tense his muscles. “Oh. Sorry,” He mutters. Sucking in his bottom lip. “Thanks?”

Evan walks back in before Jared says anything else, which Connor is oddly grateful for. And Evan looks between the two of them, slowly sitting back down on his bed next to Jared. “Is um, is everything okay?”

And Connor shares a glance with Jared. Sighs. And tries to smile. “Everything is fine, Ev,” He nods, staring at Evan. “I promise.”

They play video games for a little while longer before being called down for dinner, and when Evan’s leg keeps nudging up against Connor’s as he picks at his salad he desperately tries to keep his cool. And somehow hates himself even more that he’s getting worked up about a nudge of their knees together. Intentional or not.

He also ignores the growing urge to kiss Evan up in his room when they’re done dinner, mostly because Connor knows there isn’t going to be any way to get rid of Jared so they can do that. And Connor doesn’t think he wants Jared knowing how he feels about Evan yet. Because that would mean more unnecessary teasing, and the small sense of trust with Jared made Connor feel better, and that would all be gone.

So instead they go back upstairs and watch Netflix until their parents are ready to go, and. Connor doesn’t hate it. It’s weird, he definitely wishes it was just him and Evan, but. Jared really isn’t _awful_. And Connor thinks he can live with that.

Connor ends up leaving the Hansen’s that night wondering if he had indirectly made a new friend somehow.

He decides not to question it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos/generally just liking this story! i love reading all your comments about what's happening :)
> 
> you can find me/talk to me on tumblr if you want! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday!


	16. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor does a whole lot of expressing feelings to everyone.

Summer was dwindling down to the last few days and naturally all Connor could think about was how on the first day of school he’d be thrown back into the routine of school and people around him teasing him and saying things about him behind his back.

That’s all they had been discussing in his therapy sessions when Connor would write down that that was what he was nervous about — going back to school. Not being at home, not being able to just hang out and not worry about anything else. He felt a little better about it after each session, but he also knew that that could all fly away after the first day of school.

“I think we should circle back to your best friend situation,” Dr. Taylor says when they’re nearing the end of the session. Connor was caught off guard, but he knows he really shouldn’t have been. He’s been doing this periodically since Connor admitted to his feelings almost a month prior. “Have you had a chance to talk to your friend any more than you had a few weeks ago? About how you feel or how they feel?”

Connor sighs. “Not really? I don’t know how to just bring it up. I don’t want him to freak out but I feel like he will.”

“So you’re still doubting yourself.”

Connor shrugs. “I guess.”

Dr. Taylor scribbles something down. And then looks up. “I want you to work on talking to him between now and next session. I think you’re at a point where you can look at this from a more rational standpoint, and I want you to try.”

Connor nods, standing up and walking back to the waiting room, where his mom stands up and smiles.

Connor doesn’t say anything, but as a habit he picks at the scars on his wrist, sinking into the passenger seat. “I think… I think I need to go talk to Evan.”

Cynthia looks over at her son, and Connor is waiting to be bombarded with a million questions. But instead of asking anything she just nods, waiting until she’s stopped at a light before she looks over at her son. “Okay,” She smiles, “Did you want to drive yourself?”

Connor smiles for real that time, nodding.

—

Cynthia made Connor promise that he would text when he got to Evan’s. Connor knew she’d text Heidi as well, but he agreed anyway, because he was getting his car keys back and given a little freedom. And it’s all he’s been waiting for.

It’s a little weird to be driving, Connor decides after he’s left his neighborhood. Evan only lives like 5 minutes away, but. It’s a welcomed step. Baby steps, Connor reminds himself as he turns up the radio and cracks the windows. Going a little slower than he normally would.

He spent most of the car ride home from therapy rehearsing what he would say to Evan. It’s the most enthusiastic he’s ever been to do the homework he had been assigned, and he doesn’t know why because he’s pretty convinced he’s going to leave Evan’s upset because he just lost a friend and then he won’t be able to drive home himself because he’ll want to die a little more and his mom would have to come get him, and.

He takes a deep breath. And parks outside of Evan’s.

He sends a quick text to his mom before walking up to the front door, Heidi swinging it open a few seconds after he knocked. “Evan’s up in his room. You can go up,” She smiles as he kicks off his shoes by the front door.

“I already texted her, but you can text my mom. I know you need to let her know I’m here,” Connor smirks. And Heidi laughs, which. Calms Connor down slightly.

The climb up to Evan’s room is quick and painless, and he’s knocking three times before he can talk himself out of it. Evan opens the door and smiles, pulling Connor into the room and shutting the door behind him.

“Sorry if my text made you freak out or something, I just. I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not but I couldn’t wait to do this or I know I never would, and.” Connor pauses, taking a deep breath. “Can we talk about us?”

Evan’s smile falters, sitting back down on his bed. Connor doesn’t think sitting on the same bed as him is the right move, so he pulls out the desk chair and gingerly sits down. “W-what did you want to talk about with us?” Evan asks, and Connor sighs. Because he can hear the worry in Evan’s voice and he _knows_ it’s his fault and he just. He feels like he’s about to ruin everything.

“You know how we um, we kissed?” Connor asks, staring at his lap. He doesn’t think he can make eye contact, at least not right now anyway. “Well, I like you, Evan. Like more than a friend. And I know I’m like, super messed up and you probably wouldn’t want to date someone like me, but I just can’t stop thinking about how I want more than just friends with you. Even though I know I’d probably ruin everything.”

Connor kind of wants to throw something when the room falls silent. He doesn’t know _what_ to say, but. He doesn’t like this.

“You would um, I don’t think you’d ruin anything,” Evan finally says. “I like you too, Connor. A-and I um, I’d want to date you?” He says, which makes Connor a little calmer. “I-I don’t think you’d ruin anything.”

“You don’t think it’d be my fault if this doesn’t work? Like I have a lot of issues.”

“So do I,” Evan shrugs. And then pats the bed beside him, watching Connor as he slowly moves to sit down. “I think we um, I think we should try this. I-I don’t think we’re going to ruin things between us, b-but are you sure you’re ready to like, be in a relationship?”

Connor thinks about it for a moment. And then nods quickly. “I am.”

Evan smiles, resting his hand on top of Connor’s. “C-can I kiss you?”

Connor just smiles, leaning forward and kissing Evan instead of answering.

He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this relaxed.

—

Now that he and Evan are dating and Heidi already knows Evan is bi, Connor _knows_ he needs to at least tell his mom that he’s probably gay. Most likely. He hasn’t given it much thought.

He tries to plan out the best time, not wanting his dad or even Zoe to be in the house.

Turns out a Saturday morning golf tournament for Larry and work for Zoe means his wish came true.

He spent most of the night tossing and turning, thinking about how he was going to tell his mom her only son was probably gay. It’s not that he thought she’d be horrible about it. Because he really thought she wouldn’t mind. She loved him fiercely, and he really doesn’t think that him saying he’s gay is like, a dealbreaker.

Evan gives him words of encouragement, promises that it’d be fine. And then Connor sends him one more text, leaving his phone on his bed and forcing himself downstairs.

Cynthia’s reading a book in the living room when he comes downstairs, looking up and smiling when she hears him. “There’s donuts on the kitchen counter. Thought I’d let you and Zoe have a little treat,” She smiles. And Connor nods, thanking her quietly and sitting down.

“I um. Can we talk?” He asks. And Cynthia nods, bookmarking her place and setting it down on the sofa next to her.

“Are you okay, sweetheart? Feeling okay?” She asks. Connor just nods quickly, swallowing the lump in his throat. And forcing himself to say something before he just made up some stupid story and forgot all about this moment.

“I just… I have something that I want to tell you,” He starts. And then shifts his attention from her to his pajama pants, picking at a loose string. “I don’t really know how to say it and I don’t know what I would even say to like, lead up to this, but.” He pauses. Forces himself to breathe. “I think I’m gay.”

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia says after half a second. And Connor is squeezing his eyes shut, because he’s definitely going to be kicked out now, right? His mom is going to say that she can’t deal with news like this and she’s going to tell him to leave the house and to not come back and then he’d have to like, show up on the Hansen’s doorstep or just kill himself for real now. “Sweetheart, you know I love you anyway.”

And. Connor forces himself to look up. “You do?” He asks, almost in disbelief.

Cynthia smiles, standing up and moving to sit in the chair next to him. “I don’t care who you love, you know? I just want you to be happy.”

Connor nods, smiling. “Thank you,” He breathes out. Almost like he wasn’t expecting this reaction even though he _knew_ his mom would probably have the easier time with it when it came to his parents.

“Can I ask you something though?” She says after she’s held his hand for a little longer than normal and Connor no longer looks or feels like he’s going to pass out. “Was it Evan?”

And Connor chokes audibly now, his mouth falling open and his eyes wide. Cynthia just laughs. “You shouldn’t doubt your mother’s intuition about things like this, Con.”

“B-but it _just_ happened! We just got together,” He sputters.

“Look, I missed a lot of things. I missed all the signs that you were hurting this bad, but I could tell that Evan meant more to you than just as a friend.”

Connor feels like his face is on fire. He knows his cheeks are bright red, and honestly, he’d rather die of embarrassment than continuing this conversation with his mother. “Thanks?” He says. And then clears his throat. “I… do you think it’s bad if Evan and I are together?”

There are a lot of things that Cynthia thought she’d be talking about with her son as his recovery went on. Maybe school, maybe giving him more freedoms. Not a relationship with his best friend.

“I don’t think it’s a bad thing, no,” She says, sitting back in the chair. “Do you think you’re ready to be in a relationship? Like truthfully, because I know how things have been and I know you haven’t… you haven’t been as great lately.”

Connor swallows audibly. Sighs. And then nods. “I’ve been talking to Dr. Taylor about it? And he’s pretty confident that I’m ready and I do think I am. I told Evan how I don’t want to bring him down with me and like, Evan seemed to agree that he thought we were ready. I don’t know, I just. I don’t want to hurt him or make him worse because I’m not perfect.”

Cynthia nods. “You sound like you really thought this through,” She smiles. Connor hates that he’s being praised for being rational. “Just. Take it slow. And don’t be afraid to talk to me? And be honest with Evan. He’s understanding, and that can’t change.”

“Can we not tell Dad yet? I just… I need time,” Connor says immediately, almost like he’s worried that his mom will call Larry and tell him about how their son is gay.

But she smiles, nodding. “Of course, sweetheart. Take the time you need,” She says. “But maybe think about telling your sister? I think she’d understand.”

“Okay,” Connor nods. Stopping the conversation there, deciding he had had enough embarrassment for one morning with his mother.

“Now,” Cynthia smiles, clapping her hands together, “Should we go eat some breakfast so you can have your meds?” She asks. And Connor smiles, standing up and following her into the kitchen, making a note to tell Evan that he told his mom and didn’t die.

—

Zoe comes home from work in the middle of the afternoon when Connor had already retreated to his room to take a nap, complaining of a headache.

“Is he like… is he okay?” She asks breathlessly, collapsing on the sofa. “He’s just. I know things haven’t been great lately, and. Is this him getting worse?”

Cynthia bites her lip to stop the frown. Sighs. And then shakes her head. “I don’t think it’s him getting worse, no,” She settles on. And then quickly wonders if it really _is_ him getting bad, and him coming out was just a deflection to stop her from noticing. “I think it was just a headache and I’m sure he’ll be fine by dinner.”

Zoe sighs, unconvinced that her mom is being truthful.

“Zo, if you want to go up and check on him you can,” She smiles. And so Zoe stands up, brushing past her mom and disappearing up the steps without another word.

Connor’s awake by the time she reaches his room, but he looks dazed and it really doesn’t make Zoe feel any better. Because now she’s super convinced her mom just lied to her and there’s a million thoughts running through her mind that she can’t seem to just make stop.

“Are you getting worse now? Like is this some sort of backslide that you’re trying to hide?” She asks. She hates the way it comes out. “Because we want to help you, but you have to talk to us.”

Connor looks over, and when Zoe thinks he’s going to be angry and freak out and probably throw something at her head. He just sighs.

And that’s when Zoe _really_ thinks something is wrong.

“I’m not slipping backwards,” Connor mumbles. “I just. Can we talk?”

Zoe nods, slipping inside the room and sitting down on his window seat.

Connor forces himself to sit up, rubbing at his eyes and running his fingers through his hair. “Look, I don’t really know how to tell you this, and I already told Mom but for some reason I think I’m more nervous to tell you this,” He laughs. Shaking his head.

“You know you can tell me whatever, right?” Zoe says when Connor pauses for maybe a little too long. “Like we’re not great but we’re getting better, and I want to be able to help you.”

Connor nods. Stares at his lap and takes this deep breath that Zoe wonders how he didn’t like, choke on air. “I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

Zoe smiles immediately. “Can I be brutally honest with you?”

Connor thinks about saying no. Because if it’s anything negative he _knows_ he won’t be able to control himself and then his mom will probably call his dad and then they’d ship him off to some boot camp or rehab until he learns that he can’t just freak out, and. He can’t do that right now.

So he just nods and prays that she’s not going to be horrible.

“I had a feeling you were,” She smirks. And Connor sinks back into his pillows further, groaning.

“Mom said she had a feeling too. How did you all know?” He says, half smiling when Zoe lets out this loud laugh.

“The way you look at Evan is gross. You’re like, so infatuated with him,” She smiles. “He _is_ your boyfriend, right? He is why you’re suddenly coming out?”

Connor knows his cheeks are bright red. He feels like they’re on fire. “Yes,” He mumbles. And Zoe laughs softer this time.

“I’m just glad you’re happier. Or whatever,” She shrugs. Connor nods, too afraid to say anything else. “Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Uh, yeah,” He says quietly, running his hands through his hair again.

“Okay, cool,” She smiles, standing up. “I’m going to change from work, but if you want to hang out we can.” She walks across the room, stopping in the doorway and turning back. “I think I’m hanging out with Alana and her friends tonight if you wanted to come. Nothing big, just like watching a movie or getting ice cream or something.”

Connor immediately recoils, sighing as he looks at his sister. “I… not yet, Zo,” He says softly, quickly trying to push away the anxiety creeping in his chest. “Maybe soon? It’s just… a lot of people.”

Zoe doesn’t look mad or upset, instead nodding. “Totally fine, Con. I don’t want you to rush into things,” She smiles. And then leaves the room without saying anything else, Connor listening for her door to shut.

He falls back onto his pillows, reaching for his phone.

**Mom and Zoe know. They were like? Proud? Now just my dad.**

It’s a split second before Evan replies.

_You’ll be fine Con :) You have them on your side, it’ll be okay._

**Let’s hope so.**

He leaves his phone on his bed after hitting send, trying desperately not to think about how his dad is going to take the fact that he’s not straight.

—

Heidi texts Evan saying that she's stopping for pizza on her way home, which Evan thinks most people would be more excited about than he is, mostly because he’s just used to it now.

His mom has been working and had now mixed in night school to get a better degree and a better job, which meant that most nights he was on his own for dinner. Pizza wasn’t awful, but on nights Heidi actually was there Evan almost wished that she would like, make something.

“Sorry I'm so late,” Heidi says as she walks through the front door, kicking off her shoes. “Traffic was crazy.”

Evan hums some sort of response that she thankfully doesn’t ask what he said, standing up and following her into the kitchen. Without a word he grabs plates and sodas for the two of them, bringing them over to the table.

“Connor get home okay?” She asks while dishing out the slices. “I didn’t get a text from Cynthia asking where he was, so I assume he was fine.”

“Y-yeah, he did,” Evan mumbles. Bites his tongue, and then realizes that he can’t hold it anymore. “We um, we’re dating now, by the way.”

Heidi raises her eyebrows, immediately smiling. “Oh, honey. I’m so happy for you! You know how much I love Connor.”

Evan nods, but his heart is still pounding out of his chest and he still can’t believe his mom is like, cool with all of this and doesn’t seem phased at all.

He lets Heidi talk about her day at work and things that had happened that afternoon over dinner, thankful that she doesn’t ask him a million questions about he and Connor because he knows he wouldn’t have any answers for her.

When he goes upstairs to shower and like, get some space from his mom after she mentioned Connor a few more times while they were cleaning up, he reaches for his phone.

_My mom knows we’re dating. Sorry if you didn’t want her to know yet, I just. Couldn’t hold it in. I knew I’d slip eventually._

He thinks about ignoring his phone for a while when he hears it go off, because he’s pretty sure Connor is going to be mad he told her already and like, it wouldn’t end well. But. He also wants to know what Connor said.

**It’s fine. My mom figured that’s why I told her I was gay. Because I was dating you.**

Evan laughs at that, quickly typing a reply and setting his phone down, walking down the hall to shower.

—

Zoe slides into the passenger seat of Alana’s car like she does every time they go to hang out with friends, only this time when she looks up at Alana she’s not smiling like she normally is.

“No Connor?” She asks. “Not that I thought for sure he was coming or I’m disappointed that it’s only you, but. I just thought maybe he really would want to hang out with us.”

Zoe nods, fiddling with the radio as Alana backs out of her driveway. “I asked him if he wanted to come, but he said he doesn’t think he’s ready to hang out with that many people he doesn’t know,” Zoe says, leaning back in the seat and glancing at Alana. “Which I get, because he’s just been around us or the Hansen’s and not really anyone else.”

Alana nods, stopping at a red light and turning to Zoe, smiling. “I get it. Just, whenever he’s ready make sure you tell him to come hang out with us. It’ll be fun,” She smiles. And Zoe nods, because that’s one thing that she can agree with.

If her brother were to hang out with her and her friends, it would be fun. Because that would mean that Connor was doing better.

Which is all she’s wanted the last few months, and she’d do anything to get him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're legit together now! and Connor is AMAZED people caught on ;)
> 
> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i'm genuinely blown away by how many of you guys like this? so thank you <3
> 
> you can come talk to me/find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on tuesday!


	17. Slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor talks through school in therapy, and then lets a huge secret slip.

Days of dating Evan had turned into weeks for Connor, and although Dr. Taylor constantly reminds him that he can’t make his happiness rely on a person, he does feel happier when he’s with Evan.

There’s also the fact that his dad doesn’t know that he’s gay yet, which. Connor would keep it that way, if it was possible. Like school is about to start again which means that Connor will be out of the house all day, and he figures it’ll be even easier to hide it then.

But he’s also worried that school starting will mean he’ll get worse, and then him coming out to his dad will just be awful and he won’t be able to recover from it.

Connor can remember being little and actually being excited to start school. That final night of summer was always hard to sleep, his mind too excited to see who would be in his classes and things that they were going to start to learn. Only now he just. Doesn’t feel like that anymore. And he hasn’t for a while.

He doesn’t know if anyone knows that he tried to kill himself almost two months ago at this point. He doesn’t know if it got around or if people knew that he spent almost a week in the hospital because he can’t even kill himself right, but frankly he can’t even think about it. Because it’s enough to send him overboard just thinking about what people will say to him. Or about him.

He figures making an extra appointment and sitting in Dr. Taylor’s office the day before school is probably the best decision he’s ever made in this whole recovery process.

“It’s really good that you asked for an extra session before school started, Connor,” Dr. Taylor says, sitting down in his chair. Connor doesn’t remember when this didn’t feel awkward, but. He also wouldn’t want to spend every day here for hours. “So, school starts tomorrow?”

Connor nods, picking at the hair tie on his wrist. “Yeah, it does.”

“Do you have your classes? Are you excited for them?”

Connor shrugs. “I mean, I guess. I just. Whenever I think about them I think about how I’m going to get through those classes, all I think about is the kids who talk about me behind my back or who say that I’m a psychopath or I look like I’d kill everyone there, and I can’t think about anything else.”

“Do you think you’re more nervous because you spent time in the hospital this summer?”

Connor shifts in his seat. “I don’t know, maybe? I just. I don’t even think they know about that, like it’s not like I have many friends who could’ve said, and besides Evan the only other person that knows is his friend Jared. But he just thought I was really sick, not that I, um.” Connor trails off. Too afraid to say it.

“So you’re afraid people will be able to just tell?”

“I don’t think so,” Connor shakes his head. “I think I’m more worried that if I hear them saying those things or making fun of me or whatever, I just… I’ll slip backwards and start feeling worse again.”

Now that it's out in the open, Connor feels stupid. Because it had been almost two months since he was in the hospital, since he tried to take his own life, and he _knows_ he’s doing better now. He knows how to cope better, the meds work. The therapy works. But it doesn’t mean that he can’t stop himself from thinking all of this.

“Connor, for what it’s worth I do think you’re lightyears ahead of where you were when we first met in the hospital,” Dr. Taylor says. Connor looks up to see him smiling. “And I have a feeling that you’re even further than that from how you were in school last year.”

“I think I am too,” Connor mumbles. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it. “And I do think the meds will help me not slip, but. I’m not sure, like what if they do?”

There’s a pause in the room, Connor fidgeting in his seat. “Sometimes we need to switch up medications,” Dr. Taylor begins. Which doesn't really make Connor feel any better as he sits there. “And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. But you need to be honest with your family and with me. If you feel like you’re getting worse, I want you to talk to your mom or your dad, and I want you to book a session with me. Don’t just wait for your next session if it’s too far away.”

Connor nods, but he feels a little like he's being lectured and he doesn’t really know what to say. “What if it’s just a bad day though?”

“Then give it a few days. If there are three consecutive days in the week where you don’t feel like you’re doing well, I want you to call me. But, if you feel like you want to harm yourself then you need to call me sooner. As soon as you have those thoughts.”

Connor nods. And then answers the questions about if he’s had harming thoughts or suicidal thoughts since the last session, which he doesn’t even hesitate answering. Because he _hasn’t_. And it feels good to say that instead of just lying about it.

He gets to leave the session not long after and immediately grabs his phone from his mom, noticing the text from Evan.

_Jared is here and I kind of think we should tell him about us before school starts? Unless you don’t want to which is totally fine but if you do you can come over and hang out if you want or you can just come over anyway because I think it’d be fun to all hang out together._

“Can I go to Evan’s?” He says, and then pauses to look at the clock. “Heidi is probably at work, but Evan and Jared are there and I’m fine, I promise,” He says, which doesn’t really sound convincing when you’re leaving your therapist’s office, he decides.

Cynthia smiles at her son, but Connor can see right through it and notices the fear in her eyes about letting him go somewhere where there wouldn’t be an adult. “Will you text me every hour? Just to let me know you’re okay?” She asks.

Connor wants to yell at her. Remind her that he’s 17, that he shouldn’t have to check in that often when they’re not even going to leave Evan’s house. But he takes a deep breath and leans back in the passenger seat, remembering what he put her through a few nights before. “Okay, fine.” And he sounds a little angrier than he meant to.

“Connor,” Cynthia says, starting the car. “I’m just worried. I know it’s been months since everything happened, and I do trust you now that we’ve gotten to a better place. But. I know sometimes after therapy you drop off and I just want to know that you’re okay.”

“I know,” Connor mumbles, picking at a string on the console. “I’ll text you. Are you going to let me drive?”

Cynthia sighs. “Yes, I will.”

And Connor thinks that’s fair, and something he can live with. Even though he still doesn’t totally agree with the whole being babied with.

—

Connor arrives at Evan’s house not long after they arrive home, sending a quick text to his mom as he walks up the front walk. It’s freedom he’s not used to having, although he will admit that the whole driving privileges being back is pretty nice. Even if he wasn’t expecting it.

Evan opens the door with a smile on his face, looking back into his house as Connor shuts the door behind him, leaning down for a quick kiss. “Jared’s in my room,” Evan says quietly, Connor pulling his shoes off and leaving them by the front door as he nods.

Evan goes to walk away only to be pulled back by Connor, who looks a little freaked out and slightly worried. “Hey,” Evan mumbles. Reaching up to push his fingers through Connor’s hair. “If you um, if you don’t want to tell him, w-we don’t have to.”

Connor shakes his head, holding Evan’s hand in his. “No, we should. I just. I don’t know,” Connor says, sighing before ducking down for another kiss. “I’m trusting you on this.”

Evan smiles, leaning up to kiss him again before they walk up the stairs. Connor’s fairly certain his heart is going to leap out of his chest and land on one of the steps, and he’s hoping that Evan can just like, take charge of this conversation so that he doesn’t have to open his mouth. Because he’s pretty sure if he opens his mouth he’s going to throw up.

“Hey, Connor,” Jared smiles, setting the video game controller down on the bed.

Connor smiles, taking his seat on Evan’s desk chair. “Hey, Jared. Sorry I’m late,” He says quietly, and Jared just smiles and shakes his head. Like he understands, even though Connor is pretty sure Evan has never told him that Connor goes to therapy or anything so he has no idea where he had been.

“Actually, um, Jared. Connor and I wanted to tell you something?” Evan speaks up. Glancing back at Connor, who’s just staring at his jeans and trying to act like he’s anywhere but there because he feels like if he even half listens to this he’ll hear Jared make fun of him and then this will all be for nothing and he would’ve trusted Evan for no reason.

Jared looks between both Evan and Connor, but judging by how confused he looks Evan thinks that he should probably just come out and say it. “Connor and I um. We’re dating,” Evan says quietly.

Jared’s only quiet for a split second before he breaks out into a smile nodding. “That’s cool,” He nods. And Connor snaps his head up to look at him. “I mean, I kind of figured something was going on. Didn’t want to be that dick that just came out and asked though since it’s not really my business.”

“Well, thanks for that,” Connor speaks up. Tries to smile, although he thinks it really comes out as more of a grimace and he doesn’t know how to fix that, so. He just leaves it.

Jared nods. “So, wanna play?”

And somehow Connor relaxes, feeling slightly better that one of the kids who used to tease him relentlessly wasn’t a total dick about him dating Evan.

—

Connor walks through the front door just as Cynthia is finishing up dinner, his mom smiling at him when he kicks off his shoes.

“You’re home just in time,” She smiles. “Can you help me set the table? I don’t want to burn dinner.”

Connor sighs, pulling his hair up and walking over to grab everything he needed to set the table.

“Did you have a good time at Evan’s?”

“Yeah, it was fun,” Connor nods, setting out the plates. “Jared was there. We um, we told him that we were a thing.” He glances over to his mom, who seems surprised.

“Is that a good thing? Is that something you wanted?” She asks, which. Connor should’ve prepared himself better. But now he’s caught off guard and he doesn’t really know what to say.

“I mean, it was important to Evan. So it’s fine, I don’t really care that he knows. Jared hasn’t been… he hasn’t been awful to me like he used to be. So hopefully it stays that way,” He shrugs, finishing up and going to get Zoe for dinner without being asked.

Dinner has been the one thing that Connor hasn’t adjusted to. Often times he doesn’t eat much, and he can feel his dad staring at him, even though he really has been better. He hasn’t fought with him and his dad does talk to him more than he used to, and he hasn’t like, swore that he was going to pull him out of therapy. But just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s perfect, and. Connor _knows_ it’s still the one thing he needs to work on.

“So, your mom said you spent the afternoon at Evan’s house,” Larry says when everyone’s dished out their dinner. Connor feels his breath caught in his throat. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him.”

Connor pushes his rice around his plate. “I thought you wanted me to get out and hang out with people? It’s not good for me to just sit in the house all the time with Mom. I’m never going to get any better.”

Connor can feel himself getting anxious. Suddenly everything is too loud. He thinks about running away from dinner.

“It is a good thing you’re going out,” Larry says. Connor can see him pick up his wine out of the corner of his eye. “I’m just saying, I didn’t think you’d spend all your time with Evan.”

“Well I don’t really have anyone else.” Connor forces himself to take a bite of dinner. “What’s so bad about hanging out with Evan?”

Larry sighs out of frustration. “I didn’t say it was bad, Connor. Just think it’s a little odd that you only spend time with him.”

“Larry —“ Cynthia begins, but Connor’s too agitated now. Looking up at his dad, biting his lip to stop saying something he knows will get him in trouble. And probably kicked out.

“No, Mom! Let him go!” Connor says. Raising his voice for the first time in a while. “Let him tell me why it’s so bad that I only hang out with Evan. Because in case you haven’t noticed, Dad, Evan is like my only fucking friend!”

Connor’s shaking now, recoiling when he notices Zoe flinch at him raising his voice. Larry takes a deep breath, but the way he’s gripping his fork makes Connor slightly nervous.

“I never said it was a bad thing, Connor. I just think maybe it would be better if you branched out and made some other friends. You and Evan just seem… close. You can’t rely on him all the time, you need more friends than that.”

Connor drops his fork to his plate, forcing himself to stare at his dad. “Well then now would probably be a bad time to tell you that I'm gay, Dad. And I’m dating Evan. That’s why I spend so much time with him.”

Connor stands up from the table, running upstairs before anything else happens.

He sits down on his bed, reaching for his phone. His hands are shaking, and when he looks at the screen his eyes are blurred with tears. His breathing is erratic and he’s pretty sure if he doesn’t find _something_ to drag across his skin or to release this pain he’s going to explode.

**I accidentally came out to my dad. I need to hurt myself Evan. I need it.**

_Was your dad mad? Do you want me to call you? Or come over? Breathe Connor._

**Don’t come over. My dad will just get worse. I just. I don’t think I can talk right now. I want to hurt myself. I need to do it but I can’t fucking find anything and my hands are shaking and I don’t know what to do.**

Connor’s phone vibrates in his hand, a FaceTime request from Evan. He ignores it. And then accepts it when Evan calls again a minute later.

“Hey, Con, look at me.” Evan’s voice is soft. Calming, even. Connor forces himself to look at him, relaxing slightly when he sees Evan looking back at him, concern on his face. “You’re safe, you’re okay. Y-you don’t have anything you can um, you can hurt yourself with, right?” He asks. Connor quickly shakes his head. “D-do you think you can get your mom or Zoe?”

“Don’t wanna go back downstairs,” Connor mumbles, pushing his glasses away to wipe at his eyes.

“Okay,” Evan nods. “J-just lay down and um, breathe,” Evan says. Connor obliges after a moment. “Want me to talk about work the other day?” He asks. Connor just nods, staring at his ceiling as Evan tells him stories about things that had happened at work.

He doesn’t know if things are okay, but. Evan is helping. And it’s all he needs.

—

Larry leaves the conversation when Connor runs upstairs. Nobody talks through the rest of dinner, the tension is thick in the air, and he _knows_ he messed up.

Zoe leaves the room as soon as her plate is clear, mumbling something about how she’s going to check on Connor. Cynthia sighs, waiting until the footsteps to disappear upstairs before turning back to her husband.

“That… that wasn’t good.”

Larry nods. “I should’ve dropped it when I saw him getting upset.” He pauses. Sighs. “Did you know?”

Cynthia nods. “It’s been a while. He told Zoe and I when they first got together. But he didn’t know how to tell you. And I can see why.”

Those words sting. Because if there was one thing Larry thought was going well in this recovery, it was Connor being more open with him. He thought he had been better. Thought he had been supporting his son more.

But had he really? He doesn’t know now. He thinks he may have been trying to convince himself.

Larry sits at the table for a while, listening to his wife clean up from dinner. He knows he should help, but if he’s being honest with himself, he’s waiting for the inevitable moment where Zoe starts screaming for help and Connor bellows behind her, threatening to kill her.

It’s been months since something like that happened. Larry has no real reason to believe something like that will happen now. He just. It’s a reflex.

“I think I should go talk to him,” He finally says after a moment, but Cynthia’s head snaps to look at her husband, and he begins to second guess himself.

“Give him some space, Larry,” She says softly, setting the sponge down on the edge of the sink. “You absolutely should talk to him tonight. But he’s still calming down, Zoe is with him right now, and I think you both need some space from each other.”

Larry thinks about arguing. Opens his mouth to just say something that he definitely hasn’t thought through but he wants to say anything, but. He refrains against it. Nods. And leaves the argument where it is, standing up from the table just as Zoe comes back downstairs.

“He’s on FaceTime with Evan,” She says quietly, sighing. “I don’t… he’s like. Not good,” She mumbles.

Cynthia frowns. Larry walks outback onto the deck.

He gives himself a minute before pulling the pack of cigarettes he bought on the way home from work from his back pocket, lighting it and taking a drag. It had been years since he quit smoking, back when Connor and Zoe were toddlers and he worried that continuing to smoke would make him unable to keep up with his kids as they got older.

When Connor started getting worse, the urge to smoke had come back with a force that Larry couldn’t ignore. He had picked the habit back up every now and then when things were particularly bad. Through Connor’s first threat to kill himself. His trip to rehab, the yoga retreat, and anywhere else that they had tried before he ultimately tried to kill himself a few months ago.

Cynthia didn’t know. If she did he thinks he’d be kicked out. Told they should just divorce because how could he smoke in the same house where his son is recovering from a suicide attempt and an addiction to weed and other drugs?

He finishes the rest of the cigarette, stepping off the deck to stomp out the rest against the wet grass. Picks up the butt, throwing it out in the trash outside before he walks back inside just as Zoe opens the door to reveal Alana.

“She was coming over to work on some summer work,” Zoe says quickly when she sees her dad standing at the back door. “We’ll be quiet. I’ll check on Connor again soon. He and Evan were going to work with us, but.” She trails off, leading Alana through the kitchen and down to the basement.

Larry turns back to Cynthia, fearful that she just _knows_ he was outside smoking when she looks back at him and frowns. “I’m going to go talk to him, Cyn. Now instead of later,” He says, and Cynthia just nods, letting him walk upstairs.

He can hear Connor in his room, and for a moment Larry stops at the top of the steps, collecting his thoughts. He’s already messed up tonight, he knows he needs to make this right, and. That would involve not yelling at his son and getting in another argument that would send Connor spiraling further than he already had.

He waits until he’s positive Connor isn’t on the phone with Evan before he walks to his doorway, knocking against the wood.

Connor doesn’t look happy to see him.

“Can we talk for a minute?” Larry asks. Connor leans back against his bed, sighing.

“Okay,” He mumbles.

Larry opts to stand in the doorway. “I wanted to apologize, Connor. I knew you didn’t… I knew you weren’t having a good day. I shouldn’t have continued to argue with you,” He says quietly.

“I didn't want to tell you the way that I did,” Connor says quietly. His voice is scarily even. “I really didn’t.”

“I shouldn’t have kept pushing you,” He says, pausing. “But were you ever going to tell me?”

Connor laughs this time. “You really think after everything we’ve gone through I wanted to tell you at all?” He asks. “I’ve lived in fear that you were going to fucking kick me out just because I probably don’t like girls! Because I’m dating Evan!”

“Connor —“

“No, Dad! You don’t get to sit here and apologize and yet think that I should’ve just told you and it shouldn’t have come out the way it did.” Connor stops, taking a dip breath. “And if you knew that I wasn’t having a good day why did you keep commenting on how I only hang out with Evan?! Why did you continue to keep having little digs at me and continue thinking that I have to tell you why I only hang out with Evan!”

Connor’s breathing is erratic now, his hand pulling at his hair as he leans back on his pillows. Larry opens his mouth to say something, but. Cynthia’s hands are resting on his shoulders.

“Larry, why don’t you go back downstairs,” She says softly. Larry turns to look at her, goes to argue. And then just nods, leaving her to calm their son down while he goes back downstairs.

He paces the floor in the kitchen until his own mind calms down. And prays that he didn’t just mess everything up with Connor even more than he had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for leaving it there again omg but! things will be revealed soon :)
> 
> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos :)
> 
> you can come talk to me/find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com 
> 
> more on friday! :)


	18. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is stuck going through ups and downs and confusion, and Zoe worries.

The first few weeks of school were often a limbo that Connor struggled to get through. Adjusting to a schedule, going to classes, starting homework had always been difficult, and this year by far seems to be the worst.

This year he had worked on things with Dr. Taylor. Came up with strategies that would help him with school, working on homework and actually going to class. Connor struggled, if he was honest. It’s not that he hated his classes, because in all honesty he actually liked the classes he got his senior year. He didn’t mind going to classes, he even had a few with Evan.

But he was exhausted. And although his mental health had taken a hit, he really didn’t know if he could blame it on that. He didn’t even know if it was worth mentioning to everyone. Evan had asked all the time if it was a good day or bad day, and maybe against his better judgement he lied. Said that he was fine, that it was an okay day but it would get better the more he get settled in to actually going to school and working with his therapist. It started becoming easy for him to lie about how he was feeling.

And Evan believed him. Which made him feel worse.

Zoe had noticed the changes in her brother more than anyone. Which is what she finds herself talking about as she sits across the table from Alana in a coffee shop.

“I don’t know,” Zoe sighs, holding her cup firmly in her hands. “He just. He’s been a lot more distant lately? And for a while I decided that it was because of school, obviously. He’s always had a hard time adjusting to school, and I figured this year would be pretty hard because of everything.”

“But now you’re not sure if that’s it?” Alana asks, breaking off a piece of her cookie as Zoe nods. “You know, I have a few classes with him, and he seems better in school than normal. He participates in English usually, and in chem if people ask him a question or if we have to work in groups he doesn’t like recoil into himself, you know?”

Zoe feels a little better at that, but. There’s still a nagging in her chest that something is wrong and she should like, tell her mom she’s worried or something so she can look into it. “I’m always going to be worried about him I think. He’s been through so much and he and I really have been doing better. Things aren’t perfect, but at least he seems to be doing a little better in school.” Zoe pauses. “Um, is Colin Harris in any of your classes?”

Alana gives her a small smile. “Only one.” She stops herself, like she’s worried about saying something that will make Zoe worry even more. “The first few days he tried to say some things to him, but Connor really didn’t say much back to him and so Colin just gave up.”

Zoe nods, finishing off her coffee with the hope that a few more days of settling in to school will make things easier for all of them.

—

Since Connor and Larry’s confrontation it was safe to say that Connor hadn’t like, put much effort into talking to his dad anymore than he had to. Which evidently wasn’t much, except for at dinner when his dad would ask about how school was going and if he felt like things were getting better.

If Connor was being honest, settling into school took more than a month. Which was more than discouraging, he found. He was honest with Dr. Taylor, even scheduling some extra sessions at the beginning of the school year when everything felt overwhelming and his anxiety seemed to spike at the mere thought of _not_ being able to skip any classes. Having Evan there and Jared as a new friend was helping, but. He just kept reminding himself that he couldn’t rely solely on people.

And so he didn’t let himself rely on his friends or his parents, or. Anyone, really.

His first major project was in history, which thankfully Evan was in and they could be partners together. They had planned to work on it on Friday, and Cynthia had said that Evan could just sleep over.

Only when he went downstairs he only finds his dad in the kitchen, and when he thinks about just sneaking back upstairs his dad turns around and smiles.

“Where is Mom?”

“Out to dinner with Mrs. Jones,” Larry says, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “Are you okay? Did you need something?”

Connor moves on the balls of his feet, sighing. “I’m fine,” He says carefully. And then realizes that Evan is on his way, and so he’s just going to have to come out and say it. “But Evan is coming over to work on a project? And Mom said he could sleep over since Heidi is working overnight I think.”

Larry nods. “Okay. When is he coming?” He asks, and. Connor seems caught off guard by it all.

It’s not the first time that Evan had come over since Connor and Larry had gotten into the fight and Connor subsequently came out as gay. But it’s the first time Connor had told Larry directly that Evan was coming, and he just didn’t really think that his dad would be so… cool about it.

“He’s on his way now?” Connor says, which sounds more like a question. “Why are you being so cool about this?”

Larry furrows his eyebrows. “Connor, I don’t mind that you and Evan are dating. I’ve told you that,” He says. And Connor _knows_ that, because they’ve had some conversations about it the last few weeks, and his dad had promised that he didn’t care about it. That he was happy for Connor. “I’m glad that you have him. You seem happy with him. Settled, maybe.”

Connor nods dumbly. “I am, yeah.”

Larry opens his mouth to say something else, but there’s a knock on the door and Connor turns to answer it, relieved when Evan is standing there.

He steps out onto the front step, kissing Evan quickly before pulling him inside. “My dad is being so fucking weird,” He mutters as Evan kicks off his shoes, looking up at him. “Like a good weird. Not like I think you should leave weird.”

Evan nods, squeezing Connor’s hand before dropping it as they walk into the kitchen.

“It’s nice to see you again, Evan,” Larry smiles. “You having a good school year?”

Evan smiles. “Y-yeah, it’s been good. Thank you for um, thank you for having me.”

Larry nods, taking a sip of his drink as Connor mumbles something about going up to his room.

“What is um, what’s going on with him?” Evan asks when they’re settled on Connor’s bed, pulling their homework out.

Connor shrugs. “I went down to tell my mom that you were on your way since she knew you were coming, but she’s out to dinner. So I told my dad you were coming and he went on some bullshit about how he’s cool with us dating and he’s glad that you make me happy?” Connor sighs, loosely tying his hair up into a bun. “Which is _fine_ and I’m glad that he’s cool with it, but like? We’ve been avoiding each other for the most part for weeks. He’s asked me about school and how you are a few times, but? Now he’s suddenly cool with it?”

Evan nods. “I-I mean, at least he’s cool with it?” Evan says. “My dad um, my dad will be here next week. A-and I agreed to meet for lunch.”

Connor raises his eyebrows, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Are you cool with that? Or did you do it because you didn’t feel like you could ignore him?” He smirks.

“A little of both?” Evan admits, smiling. And doesn’t complain when Connor leans over to kiss him. “B-but did you um, did you want to come?”

Connor’s natural instinct is to say no. He hasn’t seen Evan’s dad in years, he barely remembers him, barely knows what to say to people who are strangers to him, but. Evan is his boyfriend, and he knows that he and his dad aren’t on the best of terms normally, and he doesn’t want to leave Evan alone when it’s clear that he doesn’t want that.

“If you want me there, I’ll be there,” Connor says, sounding way more confident than he really sounds. And Evan looks relieved, leaning over to kiss Connor again.

“Thank you,” He breathes, kissing him softly as he runs his fingers through Connor’s messy hair, toying with his bun.

They manage to get a little work done before there’s a knock on Connor’s doorway, Cynthia standing there with a smile on her face. “I was just checking on the two of you. How is the project going?” She asks.

Connor sighs. “It’s not awful. Just a lot of work. We’re probably going to stop soon and watch a movie or something,” He says softly.

“We’re you planning on both sleeping in here? The guest room is ready or there might be an air mattress in the linen closet if you want?”

“Mom,” Connor groans. His cheeks flushed, because _why_ would his mom do this to him? “We’re not going to do anything. I just. I don’t even have a _door_ ,” He sighs, gesturing towards the doorway.

Cynthia’s smile falters, but she nods anyway. “Okay, but you can always pull the mattress out if you need it,” She insists. And Connor just nods, wishing she would just leave them alone. “I’m going to get dinner ready, I’ll call you down when it’s done.”

She leaves without another word. “Oh my god, she is so embarrassing,” He mumbles. Evan laughs.

“My mom is um, she’s the same way?” Evan says. “You know she is.”

Connor nods. Finishes up the part of the project he had been working on, and then says that they’re done for the day, pulling Evan against his side so they can watch Netflix until dinner is ready.

And things feel better.

—

“We can’t share the bed,” Connor says quietly, pulling pajamas from his drawer. “I’m just gonna…” He points towards the bathroom and Evan nods quickly.

Evan spends his time away from Connor thinking about how much he wants to just curl up against Connor that night and sleep against him and feel his breathing, but. He knows he can’t, because Connor doesn’t have a door on his bedroom and he knows that Cynthia checks on Connor a lot because things haven’t been great, and. So they’re just going to have to deal with it.

Connor walks back in with a small smile on his face and pats the spot on the bed next to him, where Evan falls in and curls up against Connor. “We’re just gonna watch a movie. I promise my parents won’t be mad at that.”

Evan nods, still feeling slightly uneasy about all of this although he settles down when Connor picks a movie, feeling the way Connor feels okay next to him. “Did you have a good day?” Evan mumbles when there’s a lull in the movie.

Connor smiles, reaching for Evan’s hand and intertwining their fingers. “It’s a lot better now that you’re here,” He mumbles. And then sighs. “Sorry, that was really cheesy. It hasn’t been bad,” He promises.

And Evan smiles, leaning up to kiss him once more.

—

“You checked off that you think things feel a little better this week, but still not how you normally feel. Want to talk about it?” Dr. Taylor asks.

Connor sighs. He genuinely likes coming here now. He doesn’t feel like he has to hide anything, because Dr. Taylor insists that he only has to tell his mom if he feels like he’s in danger. So Connor doesn’t hold back usually.

“I had a really big project to work on with Evan, and I can’t remember the last time I actually tried that much on a project? But we got an A.”

“That’s good, Connor,” Dr. Taylor smiles. “But you still feel a little off?”

Connor nods. “Like I thought maybe if I gave it a month to get into the swing of school and working on things I would feel better and more like my normal self I would feel better. But I’m not sure that I do. I don’t feel as bad, but definitely not like I did in the beginning of all of this.”

Dr. Taylor nods, scribbling some things down.

“I told Evan that I would go to lunch with his dad.” Connor blurts out, which makes Dr. Taylor stop writing. “It was probably a stupid decision, I shouldn’t have done it without thinking about it or thinking about how I’ve been feeling lately. But Evan and his dad aren’t like, on great terms. And I know Evan is super nervous about it and he asked me if I wanted to go so I just. I said yes.”

“Have you met Evan’s dad before?”

“When we were little, yeah,” Connor says softly. And wonders if he should even be talking about Evan’s family issues in his own therapy. “But his mom and dad got divorced when we were young and his dad moved to Colorado not long after, so he hasn’t seen him much. I haven’t seen him since we were like 8.”

“Do you feel that you’re ready to go to lunch with him?” Dr. Taylor asks. “Because I can tell you what I think, but that’s not really going to help. What do you think?”

Connor sighs. It was a hasty decision, he knows. One that he should have like, thought about a little more than he did. But he could see the fear in Evan’s eyes and he doesn’t want his boyfriend to be uncomfortable or go through it alone, and so he felt like he couldn’t say no. “I don’t know if I’m totally ready, but. I don’t think I’m _not_ ready, you know?” He says, deciding that it sounded stupid. “Like things haven’t been as good as they could be, but I don’t think I’m in that bad of a place where I can’t make it through a few hours of lunch with my boyfriend and his dad.”

“I think you’re right,” Dr. Taylor smiles. Writes a few things down, and then looks back up. “I know things aren’t as good as you think they could be right now. But you have met Evan’s dad, and like you said, it’s only a few hours. You know I’m a big believer in giving things a chance and opening up to doing some new things to push yourself, and I think this could be a good thing. Obviously if you get worse I need you to call me and we’ll reevaluate then, okay?”

Connor nods immediately, finishing up his session before he walks back out to his mom. “I think I’m going to be okay to go to lunch with Evan’s dad next week,” He smiles when she walks outside with him.

And Cynthia smiles, because of all the hardships they had been going through with Connor over the last few weeks, this feels like a step in the right direction. Like a step that he deserved more than anything right now.

—

It’s not to say that Connor and Larry’s conversations had become a little more relaxed than they had been since their fight, but when it’s just them in a room Connor doesn’t feel as on edge. He doesn’t feel like his dad is going to freak out and yell at him for something he probably didn’t even do. Which he guesses is progress, but. He still doesn’t want to feel like his dad is walking on eggshells around him.

“I got a B on my chemistry test today,” Connor says quietly when asked about how his school day was, pushing his pasta around on his plate. He’s not all that hungry, but he knows they’re not going to let him get up without eating. As if he’s five.

“Oh, Connor! That’s so good!” Cynthia smiles, reaching over to pat his hand. He feels weird being complimented on something that he should have been doing for years.

Connor nods, forcing himself to eat a few bites of his dinner. “I’m going to go work on a project,” He mumbles, standing up from the table and walking upstairs after clearing his plate.

He thinks about texting Evan, talking to him for a while to clear his mind, but there’s a knock on his doorway and Zoe is standing there. “You don’t really have a project, do you?” She asks.

Connor shakes his head. “No, I just. I need some alone time.”

“Why don’t you just say that then?” Zoe asks. She sounds frustrated. Maybe even mad. “Are you getting worse? You’re pushing everyone away again. Just because you’re telling us about your grades and how you’re doing better this year doesn’t mean that you’re fine. Because you don’t seem fine.”

“Zoe,” Connor groans, falling back against his pillows. “I’m fine, okay? I just had therapy and school and I’m exhausted.”

Zoe stares at him. And then sighs. “You can’t just push us away, you know. Like if you want to get better you have to let us help you. Shoving yourself into your work and hanging out with Evan or whatever isn’t going to make things better.”

“Zoe, can you just stop?” Connor asks. And now he’s growing angry, because the last thing he wants to do is talk to his sister about how he really doesn’t know how he’s doing, but he also really wants her to stop asking him questions. He doesn’t want to answer these. He just. He wants to be alone. “I’m fine, okay? And if I’m doing worse I’ll make sure you’re the first person to know.” He rolls his eyes.

Zoe sighs. Lingers in the doorway for a moment, and looks back at him. “Okay. I just want to help.” She pauses. “I’ll be in my room if you need me,” She mumbles. And walks away defeatedly.

That alone makes Connor feel bad. He thinks about getting up and going to apologize to her, because all she really wanted to do was help but he can’t even let her do that because he’s an awful person who doesn’t know how to accept help, and.

He forces himself to breathe. Stares at his ceiling until his eyes are far too heavy. And then decides the only thing he can do when his mind is spinning and he doesn’t feel like he can move is to text Evan his worries, praying he doesn’t freak out.

**I think I just ruined things with Zoe and I feel so fucking bad but I don’t know how to get up and apologize to her because I feel like I’m going to ruin things more. Why am I such a bad brother why can’t I just keep anything good the way that she’s trying to?**

He hears his phone go off a few minutes later, thinks about not checking it because if it’s Zoe or something he’s just going to be even more upset. But then realizes that it could be Evan.

_Hey, breathe. You’re not a bad brother because things aren’t good for you right now and I don’t think you ruined things. She understands probably._

**No she doesn’t. She looked so upset that I got annoyed at her.**

_If you don’t think you can get up, why don’t you text her and tell her that you’re sorry but you have a lot going on and sometimes you just lash out when you don’t mean to._

_You’re not a bad brother though Con. I promise._

**I love you.**

_I love you too. Do you want me to call you or come over?_

**No, I’ll be okay. I think I’m just going to shower and then sleep.**

He closes his texts with Evan, scrolling down to Zoe’s name, and begins typing. He deletes and retypes it a million times, nothing seeming right even though it’s only his sister and he doesn’t think it really has to make sense.

**I’m sorry that I got mad at you. My head has been spinning a lot and I don’t really think things through that much. I’m sorry I know I probably ruined things and you hate me and I don’t want you to be. I’m going to do better. I’m sorry Zo. I’d understand if you don’t want to help me anymore.**

He tosses his phone onto his bed after hitting send, and then waits for the footsteps to come to his room from his sister or his parents because she went downstairs and told them that he just admitted that he’s not doing great. Even though his mom is well aware.

But no one comes, and instead his phone vibrates next to him.

_It’s okay Con. I get it. I’ll leave you alone but if you feel worse please tell me or mom or dad? We only want to help and I really don’t want you to get worse. If you want to watch a movie or something or you don’t want to be alone text me and I’ll come._

He decides against answering, plugging his phone in to charge and rolling over, deciding that a shower can wait while he sleeps and prays that he somehow wakes up feeling better and not at all like he had been the last few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos/whatever else! it seriously means so much that people are enjoying this :)
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you want! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	19. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan go to lunch with Evan's dad, and Connor spirals.

Connor spends most of the morning before he’s supposed to meet Evan and his dad for lunch wondering if he can cancel on Evan. Because he woke up and his anxiety is through the roof and he thinks a lot about how hard it is to get out of bed let alone breathe normally.

But canceling on Evan would alert literally everyone that he still doesn’t think he’s getting better, and his mom would probably freak out and book him like, 4 doctors appointments and an extra therapy session with Dr. Taylor, which he really doesn’t need right now, and. He forces himself out of bed and into the shower in hopes it makes him feel better.

“Are you picking Evan up?” Cynthia asks as Connor fixes his hair in the bathroom mirror. Because he’s meeting his boyfriend’s dad for the first time in a long time and he doesn’t want him to think that he has long hair he doesn’t take care of. Or that he’s a slob or something.

“Yeah, I’m going to get him in a minute and then we’re going to meet Mr. Hansen and his wife at the restaurant,” Connor mumbles, forcing himself to stop fiddling with his hair as he looks at his mom. “Do I look okay?”

Cynthia smiles softly, fixing the collar on Connor’s shirt that he didn’t even want to wear in the first place because he felt like he looked too formal, but it was a nice restaurant so he had to look nice, and. He just didn’t see how this was going to go well. “You look really nice, sweetheart. I know you hate the collared shirts, but you look so nice.”

Connor nods, fiddling with the sleeves because the last thing he thinks he or Evan need is for Mr. Hansen to see his scars all up and down his arms. And then sighs. “They’re just so uncomfortable.”

Cynthia nods, reaching up to fix a piece of his hair that had come out of place. “Connor, honey, are you sure you’re okay?”

For a moment Connor thinks about saying how he’s really feeling. How it’s not a good day again and he’s really nervous that somehow he’s going to ruin this for Evan, but he thinks that it’s too late to say no to going with him. He thinks about coming clean and saying that he plans to ask Dr. Taylor if he can try new meds next session because he’s given it months and nothing feels better. He thinks about breaking down and admitting that he’s pushing Zoe away and everyone else but he’s really so scared that he’s not able to be fixed and he wishes that he was just normal so no one would have to worry about him.

But instead he nods. Tries to smile at his mom, and stops picking at his sleeves. “I’m okay. Just nervous, I guess. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Mr. Hansen.”

His mom doesn’t seem to be able to tell he’s lying. Which somehow doesn’t make him feel any better. “He was always a very nice man,” She says softly. “Obviously he made some not so great decisions, but I can’t imagine he’s changed that much.”

Connor nods, walking back to his room to grab his wallet and shoving it in his back pocket before he walks back downstairs.

“Promise me you’re going to text me when you get to the restaurant,” Cynthia says as he pulls on his shoes, standing by the front door. “I know you’ve been doing better and you always listen to the guidelines I have, but. You’ll text me?”

Connor nods. “I will, I promise. I know you worry,” He smiles. Cynthia smiles back.

He doesn’t protest when she kisses him on the cheek and watches from the front door as he backs out of the driveway on his way to Evan’s house.

—

The restaurant is far too nice for Evan and Connor’s liking, they both decide as they pull into the parking lot. Evan’s hand is laced with Connor’s as they pull in, but Connor really doesn’t know who’s more nervous about this whole ordeal.

“My dad um, he texted me and said that they’re waiting at the front entrance,” Evan says quietly when Connor finds a spot, pulling away from Evan for a moment to pull his phone out and text his mom.

“You told him that we’re dating, right?” Connor asks. “I just. I don’t want to do something that’s going to make you uncomfortable or give away something that you didn’t want him to know,” Connor says quietly.

Evan smiles, pulling Connor’s hand back and kissing it softly. “I-I told him. He’s happy. Cool with it.”

Connor nods. “Good,” He smiles, leaning across to kiss Evan softly. “Should we go then? If they’re waiting,” He suggests, and reluctantly Evan nods as the two of them stand out of the car, walking towards the front of the restaurant.

They’re seated almost immediately, and although Mr. Hansen and his new wife Nicole are incredibly nice and it doesn’t feel awkward, Connor still feels out of place. He thinks Evan feels a little more calm. Like maybe he had been practicing this in therapy, which. Connor thinks maybe he should’ve done instead of bringing it up once and then never talking about it again.

“So, Connor, how is your senior year going?” Mr. Hansen asks, which catches Connor off guard because the last time he had been paying attention to the conversation Evan had been talking about his summer at the park.

“It’s going well,” Connor smiles. “I’ve been really interested in my classes and I have a few with Evan, which is nice. It’s definitely better than years before,” Connor smiles. And then immediately prays that he doesn’t ask him to elaborate on that because he didn’t even mean to say that he had bad things happen to him in the years before. And he’s really not looking to talk about his problems to a virtual stranger.

“That’s good. Have you been thinking about colleges?” It’s an innocent question, really. But Connor tenses and freezes up and the only thing that calms him down is Evan’s hand resting against his thigh underneath the table, squeezing lightly.

Truthfully, he hadn’t been thinking about college. He had never really thought about it, mostly because any time he thought about it beforehand he figured that he would be dead before he had to really make a decision. But he doesn’t think it’s the right thing to say to Evan’s dad, who’s clearly accomplished and has money even though he’s a dick who kind of ruined his son and ex-wife’s lives.

“A little, yeah,” He finally says. A lie that comes out far too easily, one that he can feel Evan staring at him. “I don’t think I’ll go too far, but I’m thinking about majoring in English.” That part wasn’t a lie, Connor decides. English is really the only thing he’s good at.

“Well that’s nice. I’m sure your mom will like that you’re not going to go too far away. Makes it easier on her,” Mr. Hansen smiles. And Connor nods, but his jaw is too tight and Evan’s hand is squeezing his thigh again because his mom doesn’t _care_ if he wants to go far, but she’s not just going to let him.

Not after he tried to kill himself.

As it turns out, Evan carried most of the conversation after that. Connor tried to chime in when he could, tried to add to the conversation so Mr. Hansen and Nicole didn’t think he was some sort of freak who couldn’t even hold a conversation. But he’s never been more thankful when lunch ends and they say their goodbyes, Evan making some sort of loose promise that they’ll try to come visit him in Colorado when they’re on break.

Connor doesn’t know how he’s going to agree to that. He just hopes Evan isn’t serious.

He sits in the drivers seat of his car with Evan beside him, wondering if he’s even fit to drive. “Con, babe. Hey,” Evan says softly, reaching over to take Connor’s hand. “L-look at me, babe.”

Connor slowly looks at him, taking a deep breath and desperately trying to center himself. “I’m okay,” He whispers. Unconvincingly apparently, because Evan just looks like he doesn’t believe a word he has said to him.

“You’re not, babe.” It’s the first time Evan ever remembers being blunt with him. At least about this. “Tell me what you need. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Connor takes a deep breath. Thinks about trying to convince Evan that he’s fine so they can just go back to Evan’s and lay on the sofa and not worry about anything else, but. He doesn’t think that’s going to work, at least not this time.

“I hadn't even given college a thought. College literally never crossed my mind, which is bad. Right? Like I should be applying places and thinking about what I’m going to major in only I haven’t because I always thought that I would be dead before I had to think about it, and now your dad probably thinks you’re dating a failure and I’m never going to amount to anything and I can’t even blame them because I’m not going to amount to anything. I’m not.”

Evan squeezes Connor’s hands, reaching up to push away tears that had started falling. “Look at me,” Evan says softly. And so Connor does. “You’re… you’re not a failure. A-and it’s okay that you um, you haven’t thought about college. You’ll get in somewhere or you’ll take a year off and it’ll… it’ll be _fine_.”

“It won’t,” Connor mumbles. He just sounds… _broken_. “I won’t get in anywhere.”

“Yes you will,” Evan says. Tries to be convincing. “You’ve been doing better this year. Y-you can go to community college or somewhere around here.”

Connor shrugs. Forces himself to stop crying as he takes a deep breath. “Can we just go home and watch a movie? I don’t want to talk about how I just lied to your dad about college.”

Evan nods. “But you um, you know I love you, right? And you’re not a failure.”

Connor pulls away to buckle his seatbelt, rubbing at his eyes. “I love you, too.”

—

Heidi has always thought she had a knack to see how her son was feeling. Evan was often an open book, unable to hide much from her no matter how hard he tried. It was difficult to say the least. Hard for him to open up, but. Heidi would always promise him that he was safe. That she just wanted to help, that she would never be upset with him. And then he would pour his heart out. Tell her all his fears and worries and what was going on inside his brain. And she would spend most of the night finding doctors or googling things he had said, praying that she found some sort of solution she could bring up to Dr. Sherman or maybe even try with Evan without anyone intervening.

Connor was different. While he wasn’t her son, she had known the boy since he was 5 years old. Most of his childhood was happy. He spent hours making up jokes, ones that Heidi would genuinely laugh at, thinking were hilarious for an 8 year old who really just wanted to make people laugh whenever he could. It somehow became a comfort when her husband had left and it was just her and Evan in the house.

But then things changed. Connor didn’t come over as much, and when Heidi would ask Evan why, he would just shrug. And then say how worried he was about Connor. How he seemed different. How he didn’t seem to be responding to anything anymore and he just seemed sad all the time. And so Heidi talked to Cynthia, who promised that she was looking into doctors and getting him help. And for hours they talked about the worries for both of their kids, which made Heidi feel a little better.

Since Connor’s suicide attempt, the afternoons Connor would spend at the Hansen’s were afternoons where Heidi would keep an eye on him for Cynthia. He had been doing better, really. Going to therapy and being on meds had been doing him a world of good, but Heidi knew better than anyone that it was a process. And there were good days and bad days that came with it all.

Evan and Connor walk through the front door after lunch, and immediately Heidi could tell that Connor wasn’t having a good day. Evan looked over at her and smiled, but. Connor just toed off his shoes, untucked his dress shirt, pulled his hair up into a bun and walked to the sofa, waiting for Evan to sit down before he leaned against him.

“Connor, sweetheart, are you okay?” Heidi asks immediately, because if there’s one thing she’s learned through Evan’s recovery, it’s that you can’t wait for them to speak up if you’re worried. “You seem a little… off.”

Evan glances between his mom and Connor, for a moment wondering if Connor was even going to answer, or. If he just couldn’t find the words.

“I don’t know if I’m okay,” He whispers. “I don’t think I’ve been okay for a while.” He pauses, forcing himself to look up at Heidi. “My mom knows. She’s been… worried. But I just kept saying I wanted to give the meds a chance. That it could just be a bad period. And she let me for a while, but. I think she’s going to tell Dr. Taylor this week that she’s worried.”

“And now you’re not sure that it is just a bad period?” Heidi asks, sitting on the coffee table across from the boys. “Connor, honey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. But I want you to know that I will listen.”

Connor nods, trying to form some sort of sentence. “I just. Evan’s dad asked about college. And I hadn’t thought about it at all before that because I always thought I… wouldn’t be here. And now I’m not even sure that I’m going to get in anywhere and I haven’t even done _anything_ to get ready for college.”

Heidi sighs. It’s a lot of the same as Evan, only she and Evan had been working on scholarship essays on her days off. Sometimes Evan would email her some while she was at work and she’d read over them. But. Connor was different.

“You know, you don’t have to go to college right away. It’s okay to take a year off or a semester off and start later. Or community college is always an option,” She reminds him. She thinks about talking about her own classes, but. She doesn’t think he wants to hear it. “Connor, honey, I don’t think this is the only thing weighing on your mind, but I need you to know that it’s going to be okay. You’re only 17, you have your whole life to figure things out. We’re all going to help you, I promise.”

“I know,” Connor says quietly. He leans further into Evan, sighing.

“You don’t have to leave right now, but sweetheart, I’m not sure you’re in the right frame of mind to drive home alone.” It’s a genuine worry Heidi has had since they walked through the door. She almost wonders if Evan drove home.

“I don’t think I can either. I don’t… I don’t trust myself to not do something that I shouldn’t,” Connor says quietly, which. Is major progress for Connor, Heidi thinks. Normally he tries to do everything without thinking about what’s going on in his brain. “I’m going to text Zoe, maybe see if she can come get me. I think Alana is there, so she can like drive her here or whatever,” He continues, pulling out his phone.

“You’re going to be fine,” Evan whispers against Connor’s hair as Connor slowly texts his sister. And Connor nods, sighing. “W-would you rather just go home now? Maybe sleep or something?” Evan asks.

Heidi watches as Connor looks up at him, the pity evident on his face. “I’m sorry. I’m being like, a super shitty person and boyfriend but. I just. I think I need to be home right now.”

“You’re not a bad person for taking care of yourself,” Evan says confidently. Heidi hides a smile at that. “We can always hang out when you’re feeling better.”

Connor nods, letting his phone fall back to his lap and curling against Evan again, taking his hand.

Heidi squeezes Connor’s shoulder as she stands up, rubbing Evan’s shoulder on her way by back into the kitchen, wanting to at least give them some space while her mind worries and races for the boy she sees as her second son.

—

Afternoons where Alana comes over are some of Zoe’s favorite days, she’s decided. Junior year had been kicking her ass to put it lightly, and then with everything going on with Connor Zoe had just. Needed a break. And hanging out with Alana seemed to be the perfect break, even if she was always insisting that they get some homework done or working on college apps for Alana, where Zoe would just read over her essays.

Zoe tried not to talk too much about Connor. She knew it was overbearing, and to be honest, Zoe just. Doesn’t think her whole friendship with Alana should revolve around her brother now. So instead she just brought it up when Alana would ask or would notice something in school, and the rest of the time she just focused on hanging out and having friends away from the chaos of her life.

They had been working through some homework when Zoe’s phone vibrates. She thinks about leaving it, but the constant nagging in the back of her mind tells her to look, and when she reads the text she knows she made the right decision.

“Connor wants me to come pick him up from Evan’s,” Zoe says. And tries to hide the worry in her voice.

“Didn't he drive himself there?” Alana asks, glancing up from her laptop screen. “Your mom gave him his keys back, didn’t she?”

Zoe finishes typing out a text, looking back at her best friend. “Yeah, he did. But apparently he said he doesn’t think he can drive himself but he doesn’t want to leave his car there and ask Mrs. Hansen to drive him home.” Zoe pauses. “You’re more than welcome to come back here, but would you mind driving me there so I can bring him home? I don’t want to like, walk there because it’ll take me a while.”

Alana smiles, nodding immediately. “Sure. Does he want us to come now?” She asks, and Zoe nods, closing her laptop and hopping off her bed, trying to tell herself not to worry.

Which was useless. She obviously worried when her brother didn’t think he could drive himself like 5 minutes back to their house.

Cynthia is standing in the kitchen when the two of them come downstairs, smiling. “Taking a break?”

Zoe’s caught off guard, for a moment forgetting that she had to tell her mom. “Uh, yeah,” Zoe nods, pulling out her sandals and slipping them on her feet. “Connor actually texted me? He asked if I could come get him because he doesn’t feel like he can drive home himself. So Alana is going to drive me there and I’ll drive Connor’s car home.”

Cynthia frowns, but nods anyway. “I’ll text Heidi and see if anything happened. Thank you Alana for driving Zoe,” She smiles, and Alana replies quietly before slipping out the door, the two of them climbing into Alana’s car.

“I’m sure he’s fine, Zoe. It’s a good thing he’s reaching out, right?” Alana says, playing her music quietly in hopes that it calms Zoe down. It doesn’t.

“Yeah, I guess,” She sighs. “I just. He hasn’t been doing great but he keeps saying he’s fine, and I really am glad that he’s reaching out if it’s a bad afternoon, but. It doesn’t mean that he’s going to be open with any of us on how he’s feeling.” She pauses. “Connor’s recovery is… difficult.”

Alana nods, deciding not to say anything in fear that it’ll only make things worse and she’ll make Zoe mad or worry more, instead following Zoe’s quiet instructions to Evan’s house that’s not that far away.

“I’ll meet you back at my house? You can go back in, my mom won’t mind,” Zoe smiles when they pull into Evan’s driveway.

Alana nods, reaching over to rest her hand against Zoe’s arm. “I’ll wait for you to get back. But Zo, things will be fine.”

Zoe nods, tries to smile. And then pulls herself out of the car and walks to the front door of the Hansen’s before she wastes anymore time.

She’s seen her brother on his not good days. She’s seen the way he sinks in on himself, isolates himself and doesn’t talk much. It’s a lot like what she finds in the Hansen’s living room when Heidi lets her in, a soft smile on her face.

“Hey Zoe,” Connor says quietly when he notices her there, curled up against Evan. His hair is pulled up into a bun, his dress shirt untucked and partially unbuttoned. Zoe frowns.

“Everything okay, Con?” She asks, which. Feels stupid, because she knows that it’s not. She knows he’s struggling, it’s so obvious. “I mean. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

Connor shakes his head. “Can we just go home?” He asks, and Zoe nods, stepping back into the entryway with Heidi as Evan and Connor kiss goodbye.

“He’ll be fine. I’ll call your mom when you two leave. I think he’s just a little… overwhelmed at the thought of the future,” Heidi mumbles when they give the boys a moment together. And Zoe nods, thanking her quietly and following Connor out the door after he lets Heidi hug him goodbye and tosses the keys to her.

Zoe waits until she’s pulled back out onto the road and back to their house before she looks over at her brother. “Do you want to talk about what happened at lunch, or do you want to talk to Mom?”

Connor sighs. Pauses, looking over at her for a moment. And then stares straight ahead. “I’ll just talk to Mom. No offense but… she’ll have a better answer.”

Zoe smiles at that, nodding. “You’re right, she will,” She agrees. “But you’re fine. You’re going to be fine, we’ll figure this out,” She promises him.

And although he’s not really sure he believes it he nods anyway, thanking her quietly.

—

Cynthia knows that she can’t hover when Connor and Zoe get back. She knows she can’t bombard him, can’t force him to talk about anything that he doesn’t want to talk about, but. When she hangs up the phone with Heidi and knows that her son is worried about the future and it’s gotten him into a point where he needs help, she feels like she has a million things that she wants to say to him.

The front door opens while she’s pacing the kitchen, looking up to see the three walking back in. Connor looks exhausted, his shirt unbuttoned and untucked and his hair now neatly up in a bun. Zoe gives her mom a small smile before ushering Alana back up to her room to work on their things, but Connor doesn’t move from the front entryway. Almost as if he’s frozen.

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go change into something more comfortable and then we can talk,” She offers quietly.

Connor looks up. Nods. And then slips upstairs without saying anything.

It only worries her more.

She’s about to go check on him when he finally comes back downstairs, falling onto the sofa beside her. “Evan’s dad asked me about college today. If I had any plans,” He mumbles without being prompted. Cynthia’s heart speeds up a thousand times faster, because college was the one thing they hadn’t discussed.

“What did you say?” She almost doesn’t want to ask, but. At this point she doesn’t know what else to do.

“I just said that I was thinking of staying close to home. Maybe major in English or something. But that I wasn’t really sure,” He shrugs. Pushes his glasses up further on his face, and then looks to his mom. “Is it bad that the whole time I’ve been recovering, I haven’t even thought about college? Like I should’ve thought about that by now, shouldn’t I?”

Cynthia sighs, tapping her nails against jeans. She doesn’t know how to answer that, because truthfully she wasn’t even sure they were ready to have a conversation like that. “It’s not too late to start thinking about it, Connor. It’s only October. But I don’t think it’s bad that you haven’t given it much thought yet.”

“Okay, but if I start thinking about it now, then I’m going to have to like, take the SATs again and start essays and everything, and like what if I don’t do well enough on them? My grades aren’t going to get me into college alone. This year is good… but no other year is and I just. I don’t know.”

“Hey, I need you to breathe,” Cynthia says softly. She sits up a little more, and reaches over to hold his hands. “We’ll take this one step at a time. Maybe talk to Dr. Taylor about ways to deal with the stresses of college. Maybe even think about community college or a local college if you want to live away from home.”

“I don’t think I can live away from home,” Connor whispers.

And that’s when Cynthia realizes that that’s what upsets him the most about this.

“And that’s okay, Connor,” She says softly. “Remember how we talked about how recovery isn’t a race? It’s slow and hard and scary and there are a lot of unknowns. You saying you don’t think you’re ready to go away to college is actually a big deal.”

Connor nods. He _knows_ it is, but. It doesn’t make him feel any less stupid. At a loss for what to say he reaches forward and falls into his mother’s arms, letting her hold him.

Just as Larry comes home from the store, surveying the situation. “Everything okay?” He asks. And quickly Connor pulls himself from Cynthia’s embrace, sighing.

“Yeah, I just. I’ve been thinking about the future. Like college and stuff,” Connor sighs, forcing himself to look up at his dad.

“Oh,” Larry nods, looking at Cynthia. And then back to Connor. “Well, if there’s somewhere you wanted to visit or look at, you and I can go. Just let me know,” He says. And then leaves when Connor just sort of. Agrees. Says he’ll let him know.

“He’s going to hate that I’m not going to get in anywhere and I’m going to have to take the year off or go to community college,” Connor mumbles when he knows his dad is out of earshot.

Cynthia sighs.

“He’s not going to hate anything. He wants you to be healthy and safe. There is nothing wrong with taking a year off or going to community college, Connor. I promise you,” She says. Connor just nods. “Why don’t you watch a movie here or something while I start dinner.”

Connor lays down on the sofa after letting his mom kiss his head because apparently he was that person now, his mind racing as to how any of this was supposed to just… work out. And be okay. Even if his mom insists that it will be.

—

After dinner Connor retreats to his room, where he proceeds to stay for the rest of the night. Cynthia had checked on him a few times. Larry had come up to see if he wanted to talk or if he needed anything. Zoe had even come to see if he was okay. Asked to see the art he had been working on, which he shows her. He knows was a distraction tool, but he really doesn’t care because it _worked_.

Only now it’s late and everyone has gone to bed and Connor’s eyes are wide while his head spins frantically. His arms ache, begging for relief, begging for something to be dragged across them. He frantically searches through his nightstand for something that his parents might have missed a few months ago cleaning everything out.

And only panics more when he can’t find anything that will just make all of this _stop_.

He thinks about what’s in the garage that he could use. If he could sneak out to find something to kill himself now without getting caught. And then thinks about how his family would wake up to find him dead when they thought he had been doing okay, which. He doesn’t think is fair, no matter how much he wishes for it right now.

He wonders if it’s too late to call Evan, but at this point it’s well after midnight and Evan doesn’t need to worry about him any more than he already does. Plus there’s a huge chance that Heidi would hear their phone call and she’d call Cynthia, and. Connor doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want his mom to know or worry, and. He just. Can’t think about it.

When he can’t find anything to use he tries laying down to sleep it off, but he’s too aware of his breathing, too aware of his surroundings and the thoughts in his head and now his breathing is picking up and won’t slow down. And now it feels like he can’t breathe at all, which only scares him more.

“Connor?” The voice startles him, his head snapping over to look to his doorway. Cynthia’s shadow hovers in the hallway light, and although her face is mostly shielded by the shadows in his dark room, Connor can tell she’s frowning. “Connor, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Connor forces himself to sit up, running his fingers through his hair as he struggles to control his breathing. He could lie to her and say it was a bad dream, but the sheer fact that it feels like hours since she asked him the question and he still hasn’t answered, he doesn’t think she’d believe him.

So. He looks up at her, eyes blurred and cheeks flushed. And sighs.

“I think I’m getting worse again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) i'm sorry to leave you like this, but i promise there will be answers next chapter! 
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on friday! :)


	20. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes through changes and the Murphys and Hansens worry

The first time Cynthia spent time in the emergency room with her eldest child was when he was six years old and fell off the monkey bars at school. The school nurse had been worried that he had broken his ankle judging by how he had been limping and barely let her look at it, which sent Cynthia into a frenzy and had her speeding to the elementary school and then to the emergency room, where they were brought to a room for him to be examined.

Heidi had been working in the emergency room that afternoon, promptly bringing Connor a warm blanket, a lollipop and a teddy bear they usually give out to the kids who had been in serious accidents. It brought a lot of comfort to both Connor and Cynthia, and eventually, when he's released from the emergency room with a broken foot, a lime green cast and strict instructions to let it heal and he’d be okay in a few weeks, Cynthia felt a little better.

There had been a few emergency room visits since then. Two more broken bones, a concussion, a bout of pneumonia that had him gasping for air in the middle of the night when he was 14.

But this was different.

Because now they were sitting in the emergency room just after 2 in the morning because her son was doing worse and had actually thought about killing himself or at least hurting himself, and she’s terrified. Like no amount of news or information could possibly make this worse.

They were brought to a room fairly quickly as a nurse took Connor’s vitals, Cynthia writing a few things down on the forms that the nurse at the reception had given them. “There will be a doctor that will come in and talk to you in a few minutes, and then we’ll go from there. You did a really good thing by coming here when you felt like this, Connor. Let me know if you need anything,” The woman smiles. Cynthia thanks her, turning her attention to her son as she leaves the room.

“‘m sorry for this, Mom. I know you wish we were just home. We should’ve just… we could’ve just stayed home and seen Dr. Taylor tomorrow. We can go home now and wait until tomorrow,” Connor says quietly, opening his eyes to look at her. He had turned onto his side to face her now, pulling his knees up to his chest to make himself as small as possible.

He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, the bags under his eyes darker than Cynthia ever remembers them being. She feels awful, wondering if maybe Connor had tried to tell her things were this bad and she had just ignored it.

“Connor, you do not get to apologize for this,” She says quietly. “I want you safe, I want you healthy. I want you happy. And right now I’m not sure that you’re any of those.” She’s truthful. Doesn’t want to act like she’s sugarcoating this or making it better for him just because of where they are. “But we’re here. We’re going to wait for Dr. Taylor, and we’re going to get this sorted out. Even if it means you have to stay here for a few days while we try some new meds.”

Connor looks defeated, pulling his glasses off and setting them on the bed beside him. “Dad is going to be so mad,” Connor whispers. Cynthia’s heart breaks each time she thinks about Connor worrying about what Larry is going to think. Not because he’s wrong — because often times Cynthia isn’t sure that Connor _is_ wrong. It’s just. She hates that this is life for them right now.

“He’s not going to be mad, baby. I promise you,” She says softly. Without thinking she stands up, walking over to the side of the bed and running her hands through his hair. “He wants to help you get better just as much as I do. And when things are more settled in the morning he’ll be here to see you.”

Connor nods, but it’s not convincing and Cynthia worries that maybe she can’t convince him of these things anymore. Maybe he’s worried that if he has to stay it’s going to end up the way it did the last time he had to stay. Which. Is the last thing either of them want.

They’re interrupted by a doctor walking in. A younger woman, who introduces herself as Dr. King and smiles as she shuts the door behind her, shaking both Cynthia and Connor’s hands before sitting down. “I know you’re here for suicidal thoughts, and after looking over your history I am worried about your mental state right now,” She says carefully, like maybe it’ll set Connor off.

But Connor just nods, sitting up in the bed and leaning back against the pillow. “I’m worried about myself.”

Dr. King nods. “Did you use anything to hurt yourself tonight when you were having these thoughts?” She asks.

Cynthia sighs quietly. She almost doesn’t want to know the answer to that.

“No,” Connor says quietly. “I couldn’t find anything? But I looked. And then I thought about going into the garage to get something to hurt myself with or like, kill myself before my family woke up.” Connor squeezes his eyes shut. Refusing to look over at his mom.

“Is this the first night you’ve had these thoughts? You’ve written down that you’re on medication, you haven’t been skipping that?” Dr. King asks.

Connor pauses for a moment. Thinks about how to answer that, and then sighs. “I um, this has been the worst night. I’ve thought about hurting myself before. But. Never um, never like killing myself. Until tonight.” He pauses. “And I’ve been taking my meds. I haven’t missed any doses.”

Cynthia confirms that. She’s the one that gives it to him. She _knows_ that’s the one thing that is true in all of this.

Dr. King doesn’t seem phased, writing a few things down and looking over Connor’s vitals. “I think it’s safe to say that this is going to take some fiddling with your medication,” She begins. Cynthia watches as her son visibly deflates. “I’m going to admit you now, and then it’s safe to say that you’ll be here a few days at least. We’ve paged Dr. Taylor and he’s going to stop by first thing this morning, and he’ll make the ultimate decision on what we’re going to do.”

Connor nods. “Can my mom um… can she stay until we see Dr. Taylor?” He asks.  
Dr. King smiles, closing his chart and looking back at him. “Well, it’s going to be a little while while we look for a room for you, so she can stay while you’re down here. Otherwise she’s going to have to come back in the morning when Dr. Taylor arrives. I’m sorry, Connor. It’s just hospital policy,” She says softly.

Connor seems to understand, mumbling something about how he doesn’t have any other questions. Dr. King promises to check in and find a room as soon as possible, but Connor almost wishes she would just. Take her time with it. Not look too quickly because that would mean he’s going to be alone in the hospital again.

Cynthia waits until she leaves before moving back to stand next to her son, reaching forward and rubbing his shoulder. “When I have to leave I’ll run home and grab a few things for you. I promise I won’t be gone long.” She thinks this moment feels a lot like when they would leave Connor and Zoe with a babysitter for the night when they were little.

Connor never wanted to outright say that he missed his parents while they were gone, but. Cynthia always noticed that he clung to her a little more on days they’d be going out that night. And in the morning when the kids would wake up and their parents would be back, Connor would curl up against her in bed, whispering about how he missed her the night before while telling her everything they did with the sitter.

Only now Connor doesn’t want her to leave because he’s scared of being alone in the hospital after he thought about killing himself, and there’s nothing that she can do to make it better. Nothing she says or does will make him feel better, she just. Has to stand there, promise him that they’re going to figure it out, and everything will be okay.

She feels a lot like she’s lying.

“I’m sorry you have a fucked up son.”

“I don’t have a fucked up son,” Cynthia says sternly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I have a son who is trying so _hard_ to get better. I have a son who needs and wants help, and I’m going to give him all of that.” She reaches forward, taking his hand. “Connor, I love you and your sister more than anything in this world. I am going to do everything I can to get you better. Whatever you think you need, we’ll try. If you want to try new therapy, or you want to go to rehab again, or if you want to try something else that you heard may work, I’m ready to try. But I am not leaving, okay? And I will _never_ think that you’re fucked up.”

Connor squeezes her hand. “Thank you,” He whispers.

Cynthia holds his hand until he falls asleep, doing her best to not cry herself. She just wants her son better, no matter what it takes to get him there.

—

The sun is rising just above the trees when Cynthia pulls back into the driveway just after 6 in the morning. She’s exhausted having not slept, but she doesn’t think she’s going to be able to rest now after everything that they had gone through that morning.

Dr. Taylor had promised that he’d stop by around 10, just after he met with two other patients that, to put it lightly, were in worse shape than Connor. Connor was dejected about that, obviously, but when he’s settled in his room and Cynthia promises to be back before Dr. Taylor arrives, he seems to be okay.

She’s not expecting to walk through the front door to find Larry and Zoe awake and sitting in the living room waiting for her. The TV wasn’t on, but when they hear the front door open they both snap to look at her.

Cynthia thinks they almost look confused as to why Connor hadn’t followed her through the door.

“He’s stable,” Cynthia says first after hanging up her bag. She runs her fingers through her hair, pulling it up loosely in a bun. “Dr. Taylor will be up in the morning to visit with him, but it looks like they’re going to start him on new meds. He’ll most likely be there for a few days.”

Zoe sinks back into the sofa. Sighs. And then looks back at her mom. “Is he okay though?” She asks, biting her lip. “Not like, is he going to be okay. Is he okay right now? Like right now what is he like?”

Cynthia doesn’t want to answer that question. There had been a lot of things the family had been open about with Connor’s recovery, but the state her son was in in the emergency room isn’t exactly something that she thinks she needs to explain to her daughter.

“He’s scared,” She says truthfully after a moment. It’s not everything, but it feels like enough. “A lot of this is scary for him, but he’s been feeling this way for a while and he needs this help.”

Zoe nods. And so Cynthia shifts her attention to her husband, who’s sitting in his chair staring at his hands. “Can he have visitors?” Larry asks. He doesn’t look up, which Cynthia thinks is probably a good thing because she’s so caught off guard by the question.

“Dr. Taylor will be there this morning to meet with us. We can stay for a little while after that, but the emergency room doctor kind of stressed that today probably won’t be a good day for anyone outside of the two of us to be there.”

Zoe looks upset at that. She opens her mouth to say something. And then closes it again. “So I can’t visit today?” She asks, which. The hurt in her voice is enough to break Cynthia’s heart.

“When I go to see him this morning I’ll ask if he thinks he’s ready to see you, okay? He may say yes, but the visit probably won’t be long. I’m sorry, Zo. I just don’t want to mess this up.”

“Me either,” Zoe whispers. She stands up from the sofa, announcing that she’s going upstairs to try to go back to sleep.

Cynthia listens for the footsteps to trail upstairs, looking back at her husband. “I’m just so scared, Larry,” She breathes, walking over to sit on the sofa. “He was so… broken at the hospital. All the life we had seen back in his eyes the last few months was just. Gone.”

Larry nods, biting his lip. “I know. But we’re going to get him help. We’re going to listen to the doctors and talk to them about what they think will be best for him.” He stops, taking a deep breath. “This… isn’t what we wanted. It’s not good news, but it can get better. And it will. Be cause Connor deserves that.

Cynthia nods, wiping under her eyes and looking back at her husband. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to fall back to sleep, but I’m going to go pack a bag for Connor to bring to him when we go in a little while,” She says softly. And Larry nods, not moving as his family leaves the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

—

Holding hands with Larry while he was driving was something that Cynthia had done since they were dating. It was comforting almost, a sense of normalcy for Cynthia when she and her husband had been going through a million different things, from everything like finding out that they were going to be parents for the first time to the death of Larry’s father when Connor was 9 and Zoe was 8.

Now they were holding hands on their way back to the hospital where their son was currently admitted after suicidal thoughts, and. Cynthia thinks this may be the most heartbreaking reason of all.

She’s almost ashamed to admit that she knows the way up to his ward without looking at the signs. It had been months since they had been there, but. She remembers it all, remembers the way the right elevator is slower than the left, always creaking like it’s going to break. How the nurses in the reception area aren’t huge fans of jokes and are always stressing that it’s better to have quiet.

Connor’s room is on the right this time, not too far from the nurse’s station. The ward is full, people walking in and out of rooms as they walk down the hall and open the door to Connor’s room.

He opens his eyes when the door opens. And gives both his parents a half smile. “You both came,” He whispers, sitting up in bed and looking between the two of them as Cynthia sets a duffle bag down on the chair, walking over to kiss his forehead.

“We did.” She runs his fingers through his hair. “Did you get any sleep after I left?”

Connor shrugs. “A little. But the nurses came in and out a lot even though I literally _just_ got here, and it was hard to sleep.” He sits up a little further. “Dr. Taylor is coming soon, right?”

Cynthia nods. “In about an hour.” She glances back to her husband. “Did you want to eat something? Dad or I can run and get you something from the cafeteria if you want.”

Connor sighs. “I’m not hungry, but. Can I try eating a muffin?”

Cynthia smiles at that, walking over and grabbing some money from her purse, deciding to go herself. Larry looks like he wants to talk to Connor, and so. She thinks they deserve some time alone for that.

Connor doesn’t seem to agree, and when his mom leaves he looks to his dad, pulling his glasses from the table beside him and pushing them onto his face. “I’m sorry I’m here again,” He whispers.

“Connor, it’s not your fault,” Larry says. He sighs, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed. “I want you to feel better, and I hate that you haven’t been doing as well as maybe I thought you were,” He says quietly.

Uncharacteristically, he reaches forward and pulls Connor’s hand into his own. “I was not a good parent the last time you were in the hospital. I just wasn’t. But, I’m going to be better this time. And when Dr. Taylor comes up here and tells us exactly what he thinks you need, we’re going to okay it. And we’re going to make sure that whatever it is works.”

Connor sniffles, biting his lip until he tastes blood as he nods. “Thank you,” He whispers, voice shaking. “I’m just sorry that I’m not getting any better.”

“Hey,” Larry whispers, leaning forward to pull Connor against his chest. “You are getting better. And I know you’re trying, and I know I’m not being a good parent. But that changes now, okay? I’m not leaving.”

Connor nods, letting his dad hold him until the door opens and Cynthia returns with breakfast for the three of them, Connor pulling himself away and rubbing at his eyes.

He picks at the muffin while his parents sit by his side, and although it’s definitely not what he wanted for his life right now, he feels a little better with both of his parents there.

—

Dr. Taylor meets with Connor for almost an hour, talking through his thoughts from the night before and everything that had led them to this moment. Connor had cried for most of it, eventually handing his glasses to his mom because they just kept blurring with tears. Cynthia held her tears in, not wanting to worry or upset her son more.

Connor held her hand the whole time, glancing to both of his parents every so often as if they’d be able to scoop him up and bring him home after magically making him better. Cynthia wished it worked like that. She wished she could just bring him home. Hold him like she did when he was little and so sick that she was afraid to leave him alone. But this is a different kind of sick.

“I think the best option for you right now is to keep you here while we start on new medications. It’ll help stabilize you out and we can gauge what you need based on these changes,” Dr. Taylor says after talking to Connor, looking between the three of them. “From there you’ll be back home and we’ll up the sessions to twice a week, at least for the first few weeks.”

“How long do I have to be here?” Connor asks quietly, his voice raspy.

Dr. Taylor smiles. “I’d say two or three nights. Depends on how these meds go and how your suicidal thoughts are. I’ll be here every day to talk to you, there’s a group therapy class you’ll go to. I think this is what’s best.”

Connor nods. “Okay,” He agrees. Mostly because he knows he doesn’t really have a choice, he just. Has to go with it. He’s a minor, his parents get the final say.

But he also thinks this may be the right decision.

Dr. Taylor stands from his seat, patting Connor’s leg. “You’re going to be okay, Connor. You did the right thing coming here last night. We’re going to get you started on these new meds this afternoon and I think you’ll start to notice a difference,” He promises. It’s oddly comforting, Connor decides. Even if he doesn’t totally agree with it all and he wishes this wasn’t happening at all.

Dr. Taylor shakes all of their hands before leaving the room to go let the doctors start the medications, and Connor just. Deflates. Sinking back into the pillows, taking a deep breath. “I just want to be better.”

“And you will be, sweetheart,” Cynthia promises, not hesitating as she sits on the edge of his bed. “Honey, this relapse doesn’t define this whole recovery. You’re going to get back on track, and no matter how long it takes we’re going to be right there to help you.”

Connor nods, falling into her arms and hugging her for the first time willingly since he was little. Cynthia is caught off guard, because she’s the one that’s been initiating the hugs. But this feels better.

“We love you, baby. And we’re going to be right there to help you.”

—

Evan wakes up late that Sunday morning, checking his phone first thing. Normally Connor would have sent him some video he was watching at some ungodly hour that morning, or maybe even a text saying that he actually went to bed at a normal time only now he’s up early.

Today he wakes up to two texts from Zoe, and none from Connor.

**Hey Evan. In the middle of the night (like an hour ago) my mom found Connor having a huge anxiety attack in his room and he admitted to her that he had been thinking of ways to kill himself or hurt himself. She took him to the emergency room because she didn’t think he could wait until the morning to call his therapist. I’m not sure how he is, but I don’t think his phone is even on his mind, and so I thought I’d tell you. When I know anything else I’ll let you know.**

**Hey Ev. My mom just got home from the hospital. Connor was admitted and they think he’s going to be there for a few days while he gets new medications. She said we may be able to visit him this afternoon for a little while if he’s feeling up to it. I can text you and let you know since Connor won’t have his phone while he’s there. I’m sorry for telling you like this. You can call me if you want. I’m sorry for just texting you all of this but I didn’t want to wake you up.**

Evan’s anxiety starts right up after reading the texts three times. He doesn’t remember the last time he got out of bed so fast, stumbling through the halls and downstairs, where Heidi had been in the kitchen sipping her coffee.

“Connor…” Evan begins, but. The words don’t come easy and instead he just lets out this shaky breath as his mom looks up at him.

And Heidi’s face softens, standing up from the table and walking over to her son. “I know,” She whispers, pulling her son in for a hug.

She waits until he’s a little more calmed down before leading him over to the sofa. “I talked to Cynthia a little while ago. She was on her way back up to the hospital to meet with Connor and his therapist.” She sighs. “Did he text you?”

Connor shakes his head quickly. “Z-Zoe did.”

Heidi nods. “Honey, this isn’t your fault. Connor is in really good care right now, it’s really good that Cynthia talked to him and decided to bring him to the hospital.”

Evan nods. “H-He never said anything. I-I knew it was a bad day yesterday but um, but. I didn’t… I didn’t think this would happen.”

Heidi nods, holding both of her son’s hands in hers. “I don’t think anyone realized it was as bad as it was,” She promises. As if that would make Evan feel any better. “You know how Connor is. He doesn’t want people to worry about him. I know this is scary, but you can’t blame yourself because you didn’t realize he was this bad.”

Evan sighs. “I just… I um, I want him to be okay. A-And I want him to um, to talk to me. I-If it’s bad.”

There’s a lot of things that Heidi wishes she could say. Maybe something to make him feel better, to tell him that it’s not his fault Connor is where he is. But Heidi thinks he knows all that, and so she doesn’t want to repeat herself.

“All you can do is be there for him, baby. Make sure he knows that you're not leaving, that if he ever needs to talk he has you. I know this is tough and scary and we don’t know much, but what we do know is that Connor is going to be okay. And he’s in the right place and with help he’s going to start feeling better.”

Evan just nods, too worried or scared to say anything. Instead he just stays holding his mom’s hand, praying that he gets a text from Zoe saying that Connor is miraculously better or he’s able to like. Stop his mind from worrying about Connor even though he knows that’s impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! 
> 
> things with connor can really only get better from here, right? 
> 
> you can always come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	21. Relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe visit Connor, Zoe talks things through with Alana, and Evan confides in Dr. Sherman

Evan ends up having to wait for the following day to be able to visit Connor, which was less than ideal because all he could think about was that Connor really _wasn’t_ doing well, despite everyone reminding him that this was just standard procedure. Zoe had apologized on Connor’s behalf a million times when she texted him to let him know, but Evan tries to understand. He’s positive Connor isn’t feeling great and he’s probably exhausted and he deserves space.

“He’s in the hospital again?” Jared asks at lunch when Connor doesn’t show up and Evan has to tell him, but. He doesn’t think Jared needs to know that Connor is there because he wanted to kill himself again. He didn’t even know that the first time.

So instead he nods, taking a bite of his sandwich and trying not to act like he’s completely panicked over the state of Connor, who is still in the hospital and can’t contact him. “He should um, he should be home in a few days,” Evan says quietly. And prays that Jared doesn’t say anything further.

He takes a sip of his drink, nodding as he looks back at Evan. “Well, if he feels up to doing anything we should all hang out this weekend. I feel like it’s been a while since school started,” He says.

And Evan just nods, biting his tongue until the urge to just come clean about Connor subsides. Because he knows that Connor wouldn’t want Jared to know, and Evan doesn’t want to make things worse.

—

Zoe offers to bring him to the hospital with her after school that day, which is how he finds himself in her car for the first time in a while. “My parents are there but they’re going to give us some time alone with him,” Zoe says quietly after she changes the song to some indie song Evan recognized from her playing it in her room when he would hang out with Connor. “But don’t worry, I’ll give you and Connor some alone time too.”

Evan’s face goes beat red at that, but he can hear Zoe laugh and it makes him feel a little better. Like maybe his embarrassment had made her feel a little better despite the stress of her life right now.

She pulls into the parking lot and shuts the car off, sighing and looking back at Evan. “My mom texted me and said he’s excited to see us. Are you ready?”

Evan reaches forward to take a sip from his water bottle, finally nodding. “I-I… yeah,” He says softly. Tries to smile at Zoe, and then gets out of the car before she can tell him that they can wait as long as he wants.

Mostly because he’s afraid if he takes a minute to collect his thoughts and wait until he’s ready it won’t happen until visiting hours are over.

The hospital feels a lot like it did the last time Evan came to visit Connor. He wasn’t expecting the memories to flood back, but as he gets on the elevator with Zoe, who’s picking at the fraying of her jacket, he can’t help but think about the last time.

He figures this time is better than the last. Connor didn’t actually attempt to kill himself this time. He got help before then, but. It didn’t really make Evan feel any better. Because he knew that Connor only didn’t attempt it because he didn’t get up to look for anything and Cynthia had found him in time.

He can’t think about what would’ve happened had Cynthia not found Connor or Connor had gotten up to look for something to use.

Zoe counts the numbers on the wall until they reach Connor’s room, but unlike Heidi, who had given Evan a moment in the hallway before they went in when they came to visit the last time, Zoe just walks in. And so Evan follows, not at all preparing himself for what they’d find.

Connor really didn’t look all that bad. Maybe exhausted, maybe a little less like himself. But his hair was tied up into a loose bun and he had his glasses on and his own pajamas instead of a hospital gown, and. Evan just reminds himself that it could be so much worse. That it _had_ been so much worse before.

“Hey,” Connor says quietly, smiling at both of them as they walk in. Cynthia smiles as well, standing up and ushering her husband out the door, saying that they were just going to grab something to eat and give them some time alone.

“I brought some dry shampoo. I figured maybe you’d want to make your hair feel a little clean at least, I don’t know. Do you want that?” Zoe asks, suddenly feeling like maybe she shouldn’t have had that be the first thing she said to her brother when he’s in the hospital.

But to both of their surprises Connor laughs, pushing himself to sit up better in bed. “Would you really help me with my hair? I mean I didn’t shower the last few days, it’s probably pretty gross.”

Zoe smiles, setting her bag down and digging through it to find the bottle of dry shampoo while Connor pulls his hair down from the bun.

It takes a moment, but eventually they find a way for Zoe to sit on his bed and work on his hair, and Evan decides it’s probably a good idea if he leaves them be for a few minutes. “Just so you two um, you can talk,” Evan promises. “I’ll wait outside,” He smiles, leaning forward to kiss Connor quickly before stepping out.

Zoe works quietly at first, spraying the shampoo into her brother’s hair and gently beginning to massage it in. “Sorry if it hurts. Your hair is a little knotty,” She mumbles, her tongue poking out of her mouth as she tries her best to be gentle. “How are you doing?”

“With you doing my hair or in general?” Connor sighs. He’s fiddling with the hospital bracelet on his wrist, but before Zoe has a chance to clarify he starts talking again. “I was like… really scared the other night. I genuinely wondered if I would… if I would try again.”

Zoe hums a response to let him know she’s listening, using more dry shampoo in his hair.

“I don’t know what I would’ve done if Mom hadn’t come in. And I’m sorry that I’m putting you guys through this and I’m sorry that I started pushing you away when I started getting bad again. I didn’t… I wish you weren’t visiting me here.” He winces when she pulls a little too hard, and Zoe mumbles an apology as she climbs off the bed to grab her brush.

“I wish I didn’t have to visit you here either, Con,” She promises, gently starting to brush out his hair. “But I’d rather be visiting you here than have you be dead.” It’s harsh. Blunt. To the point. And Connor hates it.

“I don’t blame you for pushing me away. I know you had a lot going on, and I should’ve probably pestered you more when I realized you weren’t doing well. I should’ve made you talk to me instead of letting you push me away. I guess I just figured you were talking to Mom or Evan about it, which I shouldn’t have done,” She pauses, apologizing again when Connor yelps at her pulling on his hair. “But you’re not getting off easy this time. I’m going to be the most annoying sister you’ve ever had when you get home. And I’m going to make you talk to me like, all the time.”

Connor smiles at that. “Thanks, Zo,” He mumbles, picking at his hospital bracelet again. “I know I suck but I hope these medicines make me feel a little better.”

“You don’t suck, Con. But I hope these help, too,” Zoe mumbles, pulling an extra hair tie from her wrist and pulling his hair up in a bun for him. “Now, your lover is very eager to see you, and he deserves some time with you. I’m going to go find Mom and Dad, but I’ll visit every day until you come home, deal?” She asks, climbing off the bed and letting him lay back down.

To her surprise Connor lets her hug him, his arms wrapped tight around his sister. “I love you, Zoe,” He whispers.

Zoe stalls for a moment, shocked at what she had just heard. “I love you too, Connor,” She finally replies.

And for a moment it’s everything she’s ever wanted between she and Connor.

—

Evan waits a moment after Zoe leaves the room to collect his thoughts. Zoe doesn’t look like she had been crying or anything, which Evan takes as a good sign. But he’s still nervous, like maybe Connor doesn’t really want to see him and Zoe just didn’t tell Evan that because she’s hoping he’d magically change his mind.

When he feels like he’s taken more time than he probably should have Evan forces himself to walk into Connor’s room, watching him look up. There’s a smile on his face, and although it’s barely noticeable, Connor reaches out his hand for Evan to take.

Evan walks forward, smiling as he takes Connor’s hand in his. And then leans down to kiss him. “Hey.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispers instead of saying anything, but he doesn’t let go of Evan’s hand and instead only looks down at his lap. “I didn’t want to get this bad. I didn’t… I didn’t want you to like. To have to come here.”

Evan nods, sitting on the small section of the bed that Connor’s legs weren’t taking up. “I-I don’t blame you,” Evan says. “I’m glad you’re… you’re getting help. I just… I um, I wish you would’ve told me? That you… that you felt like you were worse.”

Connor nods, and immediately Evan realizes that he’s emotional. “It’s the meds,” He mumbles. As if Evan would’ve ever asked why he was suddenly crying. “I know I should’ve talked to you. Or anyone. I just don’t think I realized how bad I really was.”

Evan squeezes Connor’s hand. “I-it’s going to be okay. You’re getting help, babe. I know you’re going to be okay.”

Connor nods, leaning back against his pillows and sighing. “I’m going to be better. I’m going to be more open with how I’m feeling. I’ll tell you when I don’t feel well or if I need more help. I promise I’m going to be better. I don’t want to be back here.”

Evan smiles, kisses Connor again. And then looks back. “You don’t have to do this all at once,” Evan whispers. “Just um, just talk to us. Take it one day at a time. We’ll get through this.”

Connor nods and continues holding Evan’s hand until their parents come back with some food they want him to eat, and Evan sits by his side. Maybe too afraid to leave him, or too afraid that if he leaves Connor he’ll think he’s never coming back.

Connor thanks him before falling asleep, and when Evan does eventually leave with Zoe, he feels a little better with how Connor is doing because he got to see him for himself.

—

Zoe drops Evan off at home and immediately drives to Alana’s house. They had a project to work on, agreed to meet up today and work on it, but. Things had changed, and Zoe figures it’s not too late to at least get a start on things.

Alana looks confused when she opens the door to find Zoe standing there, backpack on her back. “Zo, we really don’t have to work on this today. We have a few weeks before it’s due and you have a lot going on. If you want to wait until you’re less busy then it’s fine,” She says, letting Zoe step inside as she pulls off her shoes.

“I just. There’s a lot going on and I need something to keep me sane. I’m going home to an empty house so that won’t help.” She stops, rolling her ankle as she looks back at Alana. “If you don’t want to work on it tonight or if you’re busy then that’s fine, I can just go. I definitely should’ve texted you before I just showed up.”

Alana smiles, locking her front door. “No, you’re more than welcome to stay so we can get a start on things. I just thought maybe you wouldn’t want to,” She says, pulling Zoe into her house as she lets her parents know what’s going on.

Alana waits a moment, at least until they both have their laptops out and their notes set out to work on their project together before looking back at Zoe and wondering why they’re doing this. Zoe just looks so… exhausted. Like she’s forcing herself to do all this work because she’s scared that if she just sits she’ll think too much.

“Zo, are you sure you want to do this? We can just hang out for a little bit if you want.”

Zoe shakes her head. “No, it’s a school night and your parents don’t let you hang out with friends on school nights unless you have a school project.”

“Zoe,” Alana tries again, but Zoe just flicks back and forth between her notes and typing something on her laptop, and so. Alana reaches over, putting her hand on the notebook. “Zoe, look at me.”

Zoe sighs, looking up. Her eyes are glassy, her bottom lip quivering. And Alana doesn’t even have to say anything. “I’m just so scared about Connor,” Zoe whispers, blinking as the tears begin to fall. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. God. We don’t have to talk about him all the time.”

“Zoe, it’s okay,” Alana mumbles. She closes her laptop, moving closer to Zoe. “You have every right to be worried about your brother, you know? I would be worried too if he was my brother.” Alana quickly realizes that probably wasn’t the best thing to say to Zoe.

But Zoe doesn’t seem to mind, and instead just falls against Alana. Trying desperately to stop herself from crying. “I know he’s in a good place, I know he’s going to get better. It’s just… so hard. To see him back in the hospital.”

Alana wraps her arm around Zoe’s shoulders, pulling her closer. “I know it’s hard. But Connor is going to get better. We all just have to help him out.”

Zoe nods, unsure of what to say as she sits up, wiping under her eyes. “I’m sorry, God. You didn’t want this,” She says, trying to laugh as she looks back at her laptop.

Alana reaches over and shuts the laptop, smiling. “You’re not in any condition to be working on this project. It can wait. Let’s just watch TV. My parents won’t mind, seriously,” She says quietly.

And so Zoe agrees, falling back onto Alana’s pillows wondering how she got to have such a good friend like Alana in her life.

—

Two days after Connor had been admitted to the hospital Evan finds himself sitting in Dr. Sherman’s office.

It wasn’t an extra session or anything, just his normal weekly one. But normally Evan came in with these stupid letters he had been trying to write to himself that _no one_ knew about because how ridiculous was it that someone said he should write letters to himself? Except today he walks in with a half finished letter and so much more on his mind, and so. He just decided to explain it all. Lay it all out and hope that he feels better.

Dr. Sherman smiled at Evan as he walked into the room, sitting down in the same chair as he always did. “So, did you write the letters we’ve been talking about?” He asks, smiling as he gets settled in his own seat.

Evan nods quickly, squeezing his eyes shut and sighing. “I um, I did. But. I was um, I was wondering if we could… if we could talk about Connor.”

Dr. Sherman looks up from his paper, his light demeanor turning slightly more serious. “Of course we can. Did something happen?”

Evan sighs. He had talked about Connor a few times in therapy. Mentioned that they were best friends, that Connor had been going through a lot and Evan had been worried about him. But Evan mostly tried to focus on himself in therapy, and so it was rare that Connor had been brought up any more than that.

“He uh, he relapsed. A few days ago? H-He thought about killing himself and his mom found him and now he’s back in the hospital. B-But he might come home tomorrow.”

Dr. Sherman nods, writing a few things down. “Did he tell you that he was feeling worse? Or that he felt like he wanted to hurt himself again?”

Evan shakes his head. “He um, he didn’t tell anyone. I kind of thought that… that maybe he didn’t feel as good as he used to? But he uh, he always said that he would tell someone if he felt like that. And I believed him.”

“You had no reason to not believe him, Evan. From what you’ve told me about Connor it seemed like he was doing better. He told you that he would tell you, and it seemed like he was talking to you. You can’t blame yourself for someone else’s relapse.”

“I just want to help him,” Evan says. He sounds helpless, he thinks.

“I know you do,” Dr. Sherman nods, scribbling something down before looking up. “And I think you will, but right now you also need to think about your own mental health and how you’re feeling.” He stops, looking back at Evan. “How are you doing, Evan? How have you been feeling the last week and especially the last few days?”

Evan picks at his fingers, chewing on the inside of his lip as he tries to think about how he has been feeling the last week. “The week um. It started out good? A-and then it got bad when everything happened with Connor.”

“That’s understandable,” Dr. Sherman says. Urging Evan to continue talking as he writes a few things down.

“The last few days I’ve just… I’ve been worried. I-I know he’s okay. He’s getting new meds and his um, his parents are with him and his therapist meets with him, but. I-I can’t help but think that if he comes home tomorrow it… he could just try again. A-And none of us will be able to save him.” Evan pauses, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t want to lose him.”

Dr. Sherman hands Evan a tissue as he leans back in his seat, sighing. “Connor means a lot to you, and I’m happy that you have someone like him in your life,” He begins, but Evan knows there’s more coming. More that he’s not going to want to hear. “But if you spend all your time worrying about Connor and what’s going to happen when he comes home, you’re going to hinder your own recovery. Your feelings need to come first.”

Evan opens his mouth to protest. “But —“

“I know putting yourself first is difficult, Evan,” Dr. Sherman interrupts, holding his hand up. “But you need to. You can worry about Connor and still put yourself first. You can be there for Connor and still focus on your own recovery. It has to be this way, or you will start feeling worse.”

Evan nods, trying desperately to think of something to say before Dr. Sherman does, but nothing comes to his mind. Nothing. And he’s never felt more useless or helpless or confused all at once.

“I have no doubts in my mind that Connor is in the best care possible. I’m sure he has a great therapist who is getting him started on new medications and will help him balance out so he can come back from this relapse. And I think you need to trust that as well. It’ll bring you peace of mind and I know you’ll be able to focus on yourself a little more than you are currently.”

Evan sighs. “I um, I’ll try. But I can’t just… just abandon him. H-He gets paranoid that I’m leaving for good.”

Dr. Sherman smiles, which Evan thinks is ridiculously inappropriate given the conversation. “Evan, you’re not abandoning him. You don’t even have to spend less time with him. You just need to put your recovery first,” He reminds him.

And Evan nods, leaning back in the chair and sighing. “Okay,” He says quietly, trying to convince himself that this is exactly what he thought would happen.

They transition into talking about how lunch went with his dad and how Evan felt about seeing him again, which considering all they had just talked about, feels a lot better. He talks about how he’s not angry with his dad anymore, but it’s going to take more than that to heal. And Dr. Sherman praises Evan for that, giving him ideas to work on things despite his dad being far away again.

He leaves Dr. Sherman’s office that afternoon with a small glimmer of hope, but more worries that things will change between him and Connor despite him not wanting them to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/leaving comments/kudos :)
> 
> things are beginning to look up!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you want! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on Friday!


	22. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor comes home, Heidi and Cynthia talk, and things feel okay

Connor comes home three days after their night in the emergency room. It’s a transition that they all feel confident about, one that they had been preparing for. Larry had taken the day off work, and when Connor asks if they can just go home instead of going out to lunch like Larry had suggested he doesn’t get upset. Instead he stops at McDonald’s — against the advice of his wife, who was on a healthy eating kick still and terrified that letting Connor eat junk food wouldn’t help — and gets Connor nuggets, just like he remembered that he liked.

Connor thanks him, a hint of a smile creeping onto his exhausted face as he sinks into the backseat and picks at his food the rest of the way home. Which helps Cynthia relax, because he seems okay.

To both of their surprises Connor doesn’t go right up to his room when they get back. He sits in the kitchen and eats the rest of his lunch, and then announces that he’s going to watch TV. “You okay, sweetheart?” Cynthia asks. It’s a habit, one she’s never been able to break, but Connor doesn’t seem phased or put off by it.

“I’m fine. I just. I know I can’t be alone right now,” Connor sighs, sliding off the chair and throwing his things out. “Evan said he’d bring over some schoolwork when the day is over so we can work on it together.”

Cynthia wants to protest, wants to say that he doesn’t need to worry about school right now and his counselors know what’s going on so he doesn’t have to even rush back to school if he doesn’t feel ready, but. He seems genuinely excited about doing the work and hanging out with Evan that she just smiles, kissing his cheek and running her fingers through his hair that is in definite need of a shower.

“I’ll shower before he comes over,” Connor says quietly. He smiles, and then walks to the sofa without another word.

Larry stays in the kitchen, cleaning things up as he glances over at his wife. “He seems okay,” Larry says quietly, too afraid that Connor will hear him. “I know he’s happy to be home, but he really seems like he’s in a decent place.”

“He does,” Cynthia agrees. She feels different this time around, like bringing him home was a better decision this time because Connor was in a better place and he seems more willing to accept the extra help that they’re all going to be adjusting to this time around. And it’s really all she could’ve asked for for her little boy if they were going to have to go through this.

Cynthia checks her phone, looking through a few texts before looking back at her husband. “Heidi asked if I wanted to go get coffee with her,” She says quietly, glancing towards the family room. “I know he just got home and he may need me though.”

“You should go,” Larry says, looking back at his wife. “Cyn, since he came home from the hospital months ago you have been the one helping him through everything. You’ve been with him while he takes his meds, on his bad days, when he needs you. You want to go out for a few hours, and you deserve it. I’m here if he needs something. You deserve a few hours to see your friend.”

Cynthia smiles. Glances between Connor and her husband, and sighs. “I’m going to ask him,” She says. Smiling at her husband when she sees the look he’s giving her. “I know, I know. I deserve to go. I just… I don’t want him to think that I’m abandoning him right after we got home.”

Larry nods knowing that he’s not going to be able to change his wife’s mind, and so Cynthia turns on her heels, walking towards the family room.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Cynthia asks, sitting down on the edge of the sofa where Connor had been laying. “Heidi asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee for a little. Do you care if I go? I know you just got out of the hospital.”

Connor turns to look at his mom, a smile tugging at his lips. “Mom, go,” He says, pushing himself to sit up. “Dad is here, right?” Cynthia nods, resting her hand against her son’s leg. “I think I’ll be fine for a few hours with Dad. You shouldn’t just hang out around here just because I just got out of the hospital.”

Cynthia feels a little bit uneasy about it, but Connor looks genuine. Like he wants her to go and he really will be fine with just Larry there, and so. She nods, leaning forward to kiss his forehead, and promises that she’ll keep her cell phone on her in case he needs anything.

—

The last time Cynthia went out and actually enjoyed a few hours away from her family she thinks Connor may have been 7. She had gone to dinner a few weeks ago with her friend from college, but spent most of the time stealing glances at her phone to make sure Larry or Zoe hadn’t texted about Connor. And then she apologized for being so distracted when it had been months since they had gotten together and she had been excited for this night.

She hadn’t said much about Connor to her friend. Just that he hadn’t been feeling well and she wanted to make sure he didn’t take a turn for the worse. Mentioned how his illnesses always seemed to get bad quick, but she thought he was doing better when she left, which is why she didn’t cancel.

In hindsight, she wishes she had just been more honest.

Things aren’t like that with Heidi. Heidi knows everything, and so every worry that Cynthia bottles up because she doesn’t want to get in a fight with her husband or tell her friends that don’t know everything don’t have to be hidden. They can come out, and that’s what she’s most looking forward to. Not hiding how insane her family life is right now, and not being ashamed to say that her son needs help from more than just his family.

“How is Connor doing?” Heidi asks when they slide themselves into a table in the back corner, nursing their mugs of tea and muffins that Heidi insisted they get when she figured Cynthia hadn’t been eating all that well the last few days.

Cynthia sighs, breaking off a piece and popping it into her mouth. “Better, I think,” She decides after a moment. “I know he just got home a few hours ago, but he seems to be in a better place. More balanced maybe. And I know it’s not instant, but it just feels a little more hopeful.”

Heidi smiles, nodding as she swallows her own bite of food. “Sometimes it really is as simple as just changing some medications and speaking with their therapists more for a little while. Scheduling extra therapy sessions seems to help Evan if something happens.”

“He’s going to see his therapist twice a week for the next few weeks. I thought he would put up a fight about having to go more, but he seems okay with it.”

Heidi nods. “I know it’s hard seeing Connor go through something like this. My heart breaks when Evan is going through a bad period because you know there isn’t all that much you can do to help them except let them talk, but it’s going to be okay.” She reaches over, resting her hand against Cynthia’s. “Connor is surrounded by everyone who loves him and cares about him, and I know he’ll get better. He’ll be okay.”

Cynthia bites her lip to mostly just stop the tears because she hardly thinks that crying in a crowded coffee shop is appropriate. But she gives Heidi this watery smile and mumbles some sort of thank you. “I know it’s a process. But watching him struggle like he has been is so hard.”

Heidi understands all of this. There were days where Evan was doing so bad at the beginning of this journey that she wondered if he’d ever feel better. If he’d ever be able to manage his anxiety or be able to do things that normal teens do. And now he does. And he can, and it’s not something that she worries about as much now.

“Connor will get back to the Connor he was the last few months. He’s going to start feeling better, and all you can do is be there and talk to him and let him know that you’re not leaving,” She smiles, squeezing Cynthia’s hand. “Connor knows he has Evan and myself and he has you and Zoe and Larry, and that’s all he needs to worry about right now. And absolutely anything you guys need, you let us know. We just want to help.”

“Thank you,” Cynthia whispers. She pulls away from Heidi, grabbing a tissue from her bag to wipe her eyes. She’s okay with changing the subject, and somehow hearing all of Evan’s progress gives Cynthia hope that one day she’ll be at that same spot with Connor.

—

Zoe spent most of the school day texting her dad asking about Connor. It was borderline obsessive at this point, but. Her parents wouldn’t let her stay home to go pick him up from the hospital, so she was left asking questions about how he was and if he needed anything on her way home.

She walks through the door and finds Connor laying on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV that had been playing one of his favorite movies. Zoe doesn’t think he’s even really paying attention, but he also doesn’t even look towards her when she shuts the front door and hangs her thing up. So she doesn’t really know how to feel.

“Hey, Con,” Zoe smiles as she walks into the living room. “I’m glad you’re home.”

Connor looks over, forcing himself to sit up as he smiles. “Hey,” He says quietly, moving so Zoe can sit down with him. “I’m glad I’m home too.”

Zoe feels a little bit awkward, but there’s a million questions running through her mind and all she wants to do is just… ask him them. Without him getting upset. “You’re doing okay? Like coming home hasn’t been too hard?”

Connor usually hates questions like these. She’s fully expecting him to like, get mad or shy away or really do anything but answer the questions she asked.

But instead Connor just. Sighs. Leans back against the cushions, and looks back at his sister. “I feel okay. It hasn’t been that hard coming home. I just… I’m tired? But being home has been nice. I mean… better than last time,” He shrugs. Which really seems like a more acceptable answer than what he would’ve said the first time he came home from the hospital months ago.

“Okay, well that’s a start,” She smiles.

“Mom’s going to be so overbearing these first few days,” Connor mumbles after there was a lull in their conversation. “Dad’s been okay this afternoon while Mom was out with Mrs. Hansen, but. I know he’s worried. I can feel him constantly checking on me. And he’s been working in the kitchen instead of the office.”

Zoe smiles. “They kind of deserve to be a little overbearing. I know you scared yourself, but you really scared all of us. And we want you to talk to us, but we also deserve to be a little overbearing. Just until you’re a little more… settled.”

Connor nods, biting his lip as he sighs. “Evan’s going to bring schoolwork over so we can work on it a little bit together today. I don’t want to fall too far behind.”

Zoe tries not to show her worry. “Con, your teachers are going to understand that you need more time. You don’t need to start working on your work today.”

Connor nods, looking down at his phone before looking back at his sister. “I know. I just… I need something normal. All I’ve been doing the last few days is going to therapy and group therapy and sitting in a hospital bed adjusting to new meds, and I just. I _want_ to do my homework, Zo. I actually want to do my homework.”

And Zoe nods, realizing that maybe having Connor jump right back into things is a good thing. Maybe she needs to just go along with this and hope that Connor will talk to them when he needs more help than he had been getting.

—

The most energy that Connor finds he has all day is when Evan stops by after school, armed with Connor’s schoolwork in the classes that they share together. He opens the front door and smiles, ushering Evan in from the biting cold and the threat of snow, watching him as he kicks off his shoes.

Connor's the one who leans in for a kiss first. And Evan quickly obliges, ducking away when he’s afraid that someone from Connor’s family is going to see them.

“We can go upstairs if you want,” Connor says quietly as they walk back through the house, pausing at the kitchen, where Larry and Cynthia had been talking.

“We’re just going to go work on some work that Evan brought over? So I don’t fall too far behind,” Connor says, a bit timidly this time. Cynthia smiles, but Larry looks… concerned.

“We’ll call you both down for dinner. Evan, are you staying?” Cynthia asks.

“O-Oh. I can? If um, if that’s okay,” He says quietly, knowing that his mom had class that night and Cynthia definitely knew that.

Connor goes to turn to lead Evan upstairs, stopping when his dad calls him back. “You can go up,” Connor whispers to Evan at the base of the steps, leaning forward for a kiss. “I’ll be okay, I promise,” He says. And so Evan nods, carefully walking upstairs because he had faith that Connor would be okay and he didn’t want to upset him more by just not doing the one thing he asked.

Connor moves back to stand in the entryway of the kitchen, looking between both of his parents. “Take your time with this work. Don’t push yourself because you’re worried about falling behind. We’ll work with this school with all of that. You just. Listen to your brain. Take breaks when you need them. This doesn’t all have to be done in one night,” Larry says. Firmly, but full of concern all at the same time.

And Connor’s mouth falls open. He desperately thinks of something to say because Larry doesn’t just… he doesn’t say things like this to Connor and he just. It’s everything he’s ever wanted only now he thinks he's going to cry because of it. Which makes him feel pathetic.

“I’ll take my time,” Connor finally comes up with, which. Isn’t what he was going for, but it’s going to have to do. “Thanks,” He tacks on, smiling before disappearing upstairs.

“Is everything okay?” Evan asks. And Connor just collapses onto his bed next to Evan, a smile appearing on his face.

“My dad… he cared,” Connor mumbles. Still a little surprised by it all. “He told me not to do too much today and he’d worry about talking to the school to make sure that I don’t have to work too hard to catch up. And that we don’t have to do all the work all in one night.”

Evan smiles, reaching out to rub Connor’s shoulder before leaning down to kiss him. “Th-that’s good, Con. Progress, right?” He asks quietly. His hand still rubbing Connor’s shoulder.

And Connor only nods, mostly because he’s afraid that if he talks he’ll start crying and Evan will realize that he’s still a mess and he’ll just want to leave.

Eventually Connor feels a little more composed and quietly suggests working on the stuff Evan brought over. And Evan obliges, smiling as he grabs the work out of his bag, spreading it out between the two of them so they could help.

—

They end up working on things for almost an hour before Evan can tell Connor isn’t doing as great as he was in the beginning. “Babe, let’s um, let’s stop there for today,” Evan suggests. Quietly, afraid that maybe he would be upset by Evan suggesting that they stop.

But Connor sighs. “I think we can get through one more sheet from history. Then we can stop,” He retorts. But the exhaustion is in his voice and Evan’s been noticing how he’s been rubbing at his head or fiddling with the hospital bracelet on his wrist that he hadn’t cut off yet, and.

This is when Evan knows he needs to be firm about things.

“Connor, no. You um… you did a lot today. Let’s just stop,” He repeats. And Connor looks up, staring at him for a moment. Eventually he drops his pencil, pulling his glass off to rub at his eyes before sighing.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers, putting his glasses back on and looking back at his boyfriend. “I just… I want something to feel normal and I thought that maybe I would like… I’d be able to feel that if we just did our work and didn’t do anything else because then it’d be like I wasn’t just in the hospital for three days because my brain is fucked up and started resisting medicine.”

“You’re going to make yourself worse,” Evan whispers. In a maybe bold move he lays down on the bed, patting the spot for Connor to lay with him.

And he does. He rests his head against Evan’s shoulder, his body just relaxing as he reaches for Evan’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “Thank you. For not leaving when things are really bad. For… helping me. Forcing me to just stop.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m gonna be better for you. So you… so you can get better, too.”

Evan smiles, leaning down to kiss Connor softly. “D-Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine and I’m not leaving. And we’re um, we’re going to get through this.”

Connor nods, pulling himself closer to Evan as he takes a deep breath. And for a moment, he forgets he was just in the hospital. He forgets that he’s not doing as well as he had been and his body is still adjusting to the new meds, and.

For the first time in a long time, Connor really believes that things are going to be okay.

—

Evan left not long after dinner, and Connor was honestly expecting a drop off in his mood. He was fully expecting something to happen with his family, something that would set him off and send him spiraling and make his family wonder why they agreed that he was ready to come home from the hospital after three days of being there.

But. Nothing happens. He watches TV with all of them, some show on HGTV where he even argues with Zoe on the color of the tile for the bathroom like he would’ve years ago. And he’s tired, but his mom is laying right on the other side of the couch and if he reached out he could touch her because he’s _home_ and he’s there and things are okay, and.

He doesn’t feel like he’s going to spiral.

“Zoe, sweetheart, you have school tomorrow and you still have to shower,” Cynthia says gently during a commercial break of House Hunters. And Zoe sighs, tapping her fingers against her thigh.

“After this episode,” She bargains. Because it’s been a good night and she doesn’t want to waste a few moments of Connor being home and awake and not being in a bad place or a bad mood.

Cynthia smiles softly, agreeing as she settles back into her seat.

“I want to go back to school tomorrow,” Connor blurts out after a few moments. And then he refuses to look at anyone in his family because he knows that they’re all staring at him. And they probably think he’s insane.

“Connor,” Cynthia begins. But she stops herself after saying his name, because she isn’t sure what to say.

“Dr. Taylor wants you to spend one full day at home before you go back to school,” Larry steps in, looking over at his son. “You can go back on Thursday if you still feel ready.”

Connor sighs, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. He knows that staying home is the right decision, but. He feels ready. And he doesn’t quite understand why he feels so ready when he’s never been any good at school or really anything to do with going. “I just feel like I’m ready now. Doesn't today technically count as a full day?”

Cynthia laughs at that, reaching over to rub Connor’s leg. “We didn’t bring you home until lunch, baby. I’m sorry, you’re just going to have to spend tomorrow with me. We’re going to see Dr. Taylor and talk with the school so they know you need time to complete things.”

Connor really wants to argue that. He just saw Dr. Taylor this morning, and he’s been doing therapy every day. He understands that he needs to talk with him and they need to make sure he’s transitioning out of the hospital, but. He just. He wants to feel normal. He wants this to feel normal.

“School doesn’t… they don’t know I was in the hospital because I wanted to kill myself, do they?” He asks. The fear flashes across his face, and for a moment Zoe looks like she’s going to say something.

“Your counselor knows because she has to,” Cynthia says. Figuring she needs to be honest. “Your teachers, the students and anyone else think you’ve just been in the hospital because you were sick. They needed to know that you were in the hospital so that they’d understand why you need more time, but they do not know that it was mental health reasons. And they won’t know unless you tell them.”

Connor forces himself to take a deep breath. To remind himself that there were people who needed to know. “Zoe. Do people at school know?”

Zoe doesn’t hesitate before she shakes her head. “Just Alana and Evan, I promise. No one knows it was a mental health hospitalization.”

And Connor believes her, sinking back into the pillow on the sofa and praying that none of them were lying to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday! :)


	23. Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor returns to school, makes progress in therapy, and things start to feel a little better.

Connor ends up going back to school that Thursday despite Cynthia and Larry worrying that he wasn’t quite ready for it. Dr. Taylor had talked with Connor the day before and then relayed to Cynthia and Larry that he felt Connor was ready, but he was under strict instructions to check in with everyone and pull himself out of class if he didn’t feel like he could go through with it.

Cynthia didn't have much hope with that. She just… Connor actually wanted to go back to school. And she didn’t know if he would tell anyone if he felt like he was dropping off during the day.

So naturally she spent most of the day deep cleaning the house and keeping the phone beside her at all times in case the school called saying that she needed to come get Connor.

But it never happens, and instead of Cynthia needing to go get Connor he comes home with Zoe. Looking slightly exhausted, but okay. And she feels like she can breathe normally again.

“How was school, guys?” She asks, watching them move around the kitchen that she had spent far too long cleaning that afternoon to make themselves a snack.

Zoe shrugs as always, mumbling some sort of answer about how it was fine and she’s just looking forward to Thanksgiving break in a few weeks where they can just sleep in.

But Connor looks over at his mom, knowing he can’t get away with saying as little as Zoe just did. “It was fine, I guess. I just. People thought I was super sick and said that I look really good for just being out of the hospital.”

He half smiles at that. Cynthia can’t tell how he feels about it. “Well, that’s a good thing then, right?” She asks, looking back at him. “Did you have to leave at all, or were you okay?”

Connor takes a deep breath. He knows she’s worried, she deserves to be. But. He just… he doesn’t want to answer a million questions about how he’s feeling because he hasn’t really stopped to think about it at all and he doesn’t really want to start talking about it now.

“No, I made it through the whole day without leaving,” He finally says, but he’s pretty sure it comes out as more agitated than he meant, which. He apologizes for quietly. “I almost left in history because we were watching a movie and all I could do was think about everything, but Evan was there and he helped make sure I was okay. So I was fine.”

Cynthia nods, stopping herself from asking anymore questions because she knows they’ll upset Connor, and so she just. Smiles, letting him get his snack as he sits down at the island to eat. There’s silence for a few moments, Cynthia checking her phone and answering texts she had ignored throughout the day because her head was a mess and she was so worried about Connor and really couldn’t think about anything else.

“I’m going to go work on some homework. Alana and I decided to work on some parts of the project alone so we can go put it together tomorrow night,” Zoe says quietly, excusing herself from the kitchen and making her way upstairs.

Connor watches her for a moment. And then turns back to his mom. “I was going to ask if I could do homework with her, but… she seems overwhelmed with that project. I don’t want to distract her,” He sighs. And Cynthia just gives him a small smile. “I’ll just do it here. You’re going to be down here, right?”

Cynthia nods. “I’m going to finish cleaning up the living room and then start on dinner. You okay?”

“Yeah. I just… I don’t want to be alone right now. My head is kind of spinning.” It’s the honesty from Connor that catches Cynthia off guard.

“You don’t have to do your homework right now. It can wait until you feel a little better. I don’t want you to push yourself,” She says gently.

But Connor just groans, his head falling back before he ties his hair into a loose bun. “I don’t want to just lay around. I think that makes me worse, but I don't know. I just don’t know what to do anymore! Nothing feels right!”

For the first time in a long time, Cynthia sees frustration in Connor’s eyes. Frustration that he doesn’t know what to do or how to feel or how to just. Keep getting better. And it makes her happy. Because they had been going through the motions and he had been having bad days and good days and doing everything that the doctors asked only now he doesn’t know what he thinks he should do. Which means he’s making progress, trying to figure things out without someone guiding him every step of the way.

“Hey, look at me,” She says softly, her mind scrambling back to the therapy sessions she had gone to herself and the message boards she had read of parents going through the same things, praying one of them was the right answer. “It’s okay to not know what you need right now. Do you want me to sit with you and go over some work?”

“I’m not in kindergarten,” Connor grumbles. Cynthia notices him getting agitated, but still trying to calm himself down.

“You’re right, you’re not in kindergarten. But you are just out of the hospital, and sometimes it helps to have someone helping you just so you know that they’re there and you’re not alone.”

Connor sighs, wiping is face with his hands before looking back at her. “I’ll try,” He finally whispers, and so Cynthia abandons everything she’s doing to sit at the island with her son, looking over his homework with him in hopes that it helps him feel a little better.

—

There was a feeling of easiness when Evan finds Connor back at school that morning, one that he hadn’t been expecting. Connor looked good, not at all as anxious as Evan thought he would be, and. It was just exactly what he felt they both needed. And when Connor mostly makes it through the day without looking like he’s getting worse, Evan can feel himself relax.

“I have therapy this afternoon,” Evan begins as they walk out to Zoe’s car after school. Connor hadn’t been granted privileges back to drive to school, but Evan also thinks even if he did, this last hospitalization would’ve taken them away again, at least for a little bit. “But um, but maybe we could like, do homework tomorrow?” He asks.

Connor smiles, leaning against his sister’s car. “I want to hang out, but maybe we just. Watch a movie? Or something?” He offers, to which Evan immediately nods because why would Connor want to do homework on a Friday? Why would he even suggest that and God, he’s so stupid and Connor realizes that, he definitely does.

“O-oh, yeah. We can just um, we can do that,” He nods. Connor smiles back at Evan, and Evan _really_ just wants to kiss Connor but he can’t because they’re still in the school parking lot and people don’t know that they’re dating and he really doesn’t think Connor would want people to know anyway.

Zoe walks out to the car, smiling as she unlocks the doors and the three of them slide in. They listen to some new indie song Zoe had been talking about for days and no one really talks, but it feels nice. And Evan feels a little more at home as Zoe drives in the direction of his house.

Just like always, Connor slides out of the passenger seat and walks to the front door with Evan. “Text me how therapy goes. Maybe we can FaceTime tonight?” Connor says. And he sounds so hopeful but Evan doesn’t even know if Connor will stay awake long enough fo them to FaceTime that night because he looks like he could fall asleep standing on Evan’s front porch.

He agrees anyway. “I love you,” Evan mumbles, leaning up to kiss Connor quickly.

“Love you too,” Connor replies, kissing him again before walking back to the car.

Evan slips inside, surprised to hear his mom shuffling around in the kitchen. “My class was canceled tonight, so I can take you to therapy,” She says when Evan walks in. Which Evan is happy about because that means he doesn’t need to take the bus, but. Why did his mom seem so happy?

“Connor was back at school today,” Evan says after getting himself a snack.

Heidi smiles. “I talked to Cynthia a little today on my lunch break. She was pretty worried about letting him go back so soon,” Heidi pauses, walking over and sliding into her seat at the table. “How was he? Did he seem okay?”

Evan shrugs. He really doesn’t see Connor all that much during the day, and in history Connor had zoned out. Didn’t really seem like his normal self. “I mean, he uh, he did okay. Better than… better than I would’ve done?” Evan decides, which isn’t really a lie.

Heidi seems to take it, smiling. “Well, that’s good. She said he was pretty eager to get back to school. I think he’ll be absolutely fine. Just going to take some adjusting,” She stands up, moving to fill out a few things before they had to leave. “Everything is okay with the two of you though? You’re not fighting or anything?”

Evan has never been more grateful his mom had been looking at the forms she was filling out. He was definitely bright red, his cheeks burning and the tips of his ears feeling like they were on fire. “We’re _fine_ , Mom,” Evan says. And he might have sounded a little more agitated than he means, but really he’s just… he’s embarrassed. “I just… we’re not um, fighting.”

Heidi looks up, the smile still plastered on her face. “That’s good, Ev. I’m glad that you two have each other,” She says.

And it’s the one thing that Evan definitely agrees with.

—

Going to Dr. Taylor’s office twice a week was the one change that Connor didn’t feel so uncertain about. He had grown to really like Dr. Taylor, which. He didn’t know if many people ended up liking their shrink. So he considers that a victory.

They talk about his medication for a while, which Connor decides is actually working better than the last one for now. Dr. Taylor seems pleased so Connor is confident that he’s not completely dreaming that he’s doing better. Connor talks about his first two days back at school and how they really hadn’t been all that bad. Connor seemed relieved, and Dr. Taylor just seemed… proud.

And then he asks about his family, and Connor talks for a while about how much easier this transition has been because his dad is actively helping out and his mom is still doing everything she can and even Zoe is doing better with him and they’re not bickering as much as normal and she seems concerned when she asks him how he is.

But Connor always knows that there’s a turn in the things they talked about, and it happens this time when he’s not really expecting it. “So, one of the reasons you relapsed last week is because you were thinking about college, yes? I know there was a lot leading up to it, but that’s kind of what broke you?”

Connor takes a shaky breath, nodding. “I guess just the fact that I like… I hadn’t talked about college at all. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

“Why do you think that is?” Dr. Taylor asks.

Connor manages to resist the urge to roll his eyes because he thought it was obvious why he hadn’t thought about it. But. Maybe that was the point… so that he would finally admit it and say it out loud.

“Because… I always thought I would be dead before college became something I had to worry about,” He says quietly, folding his hands together and staring at them until his vision blurs.

“It’s completely natural that you’re worried about college. About a future after high school,” Dr. Taylor begins. “Most kids are.”

“Okay, but I’m worried for a completely different reason,” Connor says, the frustration evident through his words. “I’m worried because I did so bad in school the first three years because I was depressed and not on meds and then I thought that I’d be dead. And now I’m not and I have to deal with the fact that I screwed myself over and I’m never going to amount to anything because I didn’t even try on any work assuming that I’d be successful at killing myself.”

“Connor,” Dr. Taylor begins, cutting him off. “I need you to take a deep breath. Relax your muscles,” He says. And Connor obliges, because Dr. Taylor usually knows what he’s talking about when it comes to things like this. “You did not screw your life over. You just didn’t. You’re only 17, Connor.”

“But —“ Connor begins. Then sighs, leaning back.

“I know it's hard to look at the grand scheme of things. I know you think that what you did in the past ruined everything for now. But you’re going to be fine. You were untreated back then, it makes sense why you were doing the things you were doing, and that all can be explained in college essays.” His words do calm down Connor a little more, and slowly Connor starts to think that maybe he can be okay. Maybe he didn’t ruin things.

“I want you to think about an environment that you think you could succeed in school. Do you think you’d want to be far away? Or maybe closer to home,” Dr. Taylor asks after a moment. He’s fully aware they’re teetering on the edge of Connor having a panic attack, but that’s all part of this. To get Connor to start thinking about these things.

Connor focuses on his breathing for a moment, wiping his hands on his jeans and then looking back at Dr. Taylor. “I don’t know if I can go away at all,” He says quietly. Like maybe he’s ashamed about it. “Like when I do let myself think about college now, I don’t see myself ever being able to leave home.”

“Why not, Connor? Tell me if you need a break. I don’t want you to push yourself over the edge.”

Connor sighs. “I just… I don’t trust myself to be away from home. I know I say that things are hard with my family sometimes, but I don’t know that I could live away from them. At least not right now.”

Dr. Taylor smiles at Connor, which really makes Connor feel uneasy or like he’s proud of him doing the bare minimum. “Connor, I know that was hard for you to admit. I’m very proud of you for that,” He says, and Connor just nods. Because he hates that they’re proud of him doing the bare minimum. “Staying home for even a year or two isn’t the worst idea. You would be able to get your grades up and stay close to your family for support. If you feel ready after that then you could transfer.”

Conor nods, but his hands are still shaking and he still feels a little anxious and… he just doesn’t know what else to do.

"I want you to look through the community college website and a local colleges website between now and our next session. You don’t even have to start the application or even pick a major you think you’d like. I just want you to look through them and see if you like what they have to offer.”

Connor agrees to that, mostly because he thinks that it’s the simplest of things he could ever do. He finishes the session, and when he walks back out to the waiting room he’s pretty sure he’s never been happier to see his mom.

Cynthia waits until after she’s talked to Dr. Taylor and they made their way out to the car before she says anything. “He said you did really well. How do you feel?” She asks, and Connor _knows_ she knows about what they talked about.

But he’s not as annoyed by the question as he thought he would be. “I’m okay I think. Just like… kind of anxious,” He sighs, pausing. “I’m going to just stay home next year. He wants me to look through the community college website and a local school’s website to see if I like them.”

“Well, that’s easy enough! Are you okay with that?” She asks, and Connor nods, leaning his head against the cool window as the grey skies threaten snow.

Cynthia glances at him for the rest of the way home, not initiating the conversation any further than she already has. All she can hope is that talking about college doesn’t send him spiraling, and somehow they’re able to find a place for him that feels comfortable.

—

Cynthia finishes cleaning up the kitchen, looking over to her son and sliding into the seat beside him at the table. “What are we looking at? Did you want my help?” She asks, fully expecting Connor to freak out and ask for some space and just for her to leave him alone.

But he doesn’t, and instead he moves the laptop so that she can see it better. “Dr. Taylor told me to look through these websites. And I know if I keep putting it off it’ll only make it harder.”

Cynthia smiles, scrolling through the pages that Connor had been reading. “How does it make you feel? You okay right now?” She asks, although she thinks she knows the answer judging by how he’s bouncing his leg and his breathing sounds… a little all over the place.

“I don't know,” He says quietly, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I just… it makes me really overwhelmed.”

“There's nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” Connor mumbles. “I just know that I’m going to end up going to the community college and I’m okay with that because… because I need to be home. So why does it make me so anxious?”

He seems frustrated, which Cynthia really expected and she figured he would be. But it doesn’t make her heart hurt any less because all she wants is to be able to have her son be healthy and do what he wanted — which she figured was living away from home to go to college — and she can’t. She can’t just magically make that happen.

“I don’t think you should be ashamed of being anxious, Connor,” She begins. “I know that staying home and living at home isn’t probably what you wanted, but you know how proud we are that you’re making this decision on your own, right? That you’re able to admit what you need and you’re not trying to push yourself too much.”

Connor rolls his eyes, but. It’s not the worst thing his mom as ever said to him. “I don't want to be back in the hospital again. I’m… I’m trying to let you guys help.”

Cynthia nods, and maybe against her better judgment, she leans over to kiss Connor’s cheek. “I know you are. And we’re not going to stop helping you, I promise.”

Connor nods, continuing to scroll through the websites in an attempt to just stop his brain from spinning as much as possible. And when his mom can see him getting upset or agitated or anxious she steps in and looks through things herself, and somehow that makes it all a little better.

Like maybe he will figure this all out and his mind will stop spinning one day and everything will just… it will all be okay.

—

Zoe invites Alana over to sleepover so they can work on their project that Friday night, but all that means is that they’re going to watch movies and hang out and really, it’s exactly what Zoe needs.

Because it hasn’t even been a week since Connor’s hospitalization and he’s been back at school for two days, and. She just. She needs time to hang out with her friend and not worry about everything else going on.

Zoe picked up Alana and they treated themselves to dinner before making their way back to Zoe’s house, where they walk in and find Connor and Cynthia sitting at the kitchen table, the laptop open in front of them.

The first thing Zoe notices is Connor pulling at his hair, looking for too anxious or stressed out for whatever it is that they’re doing. And Zoe glances to Alana, who seems to have noticed it as well. “I was going to say we could go down the basement and pick a movie to watch, but. We’d have to walk through the kitchen and…” She pauses. Gesturing towards the kitchen.

Alana nods like she completely understands, as if she has siblings who are half as mentally ill as Connor is when in reality she doesn’t even have siblings. “I can wait here for a minute? If you think he’d want privacy.”

Zoe seems to think it over for a moment. And then shakes her head. “They knew you were coming. He doesn’t… this doesn’t look as bad as normal. It’ll be fine,” She encourages, and before Alana has a chance to protest Zoe’s pulling her into the kitchen.

“Hey, Mom. Hey, Con,” Zoe smiles, looking between the two of them. “Alana and I just got back from dinner. We were going to go downstairs and watch a movie.”

Cynthia looks over at her daughter, smiling. “That’s fine, sweetheart. Connor, is Evan still planning on coming over tonight? I know he wasn’t going to spend the night.”

Connor looks over at her, loosely tying his hair up into a bun. “Yeah. I’ll text him. I think we’ll just… stop here for today?” He says quietly, reaching forward and shouting his laptop before his mom even answers him.

Cynthia nods, standing up from the table and rubbing Connor’s shoulder for a moment. “I’ll get you guys some snacks and bring them down for you. You can go pick a movie.”

Zoe nods, peering around her mom. “Connor, when Evan gets here you guys can come watch the movie with us if you want,” She offers. She’s not expecting some big answer from Connor, but he does look up at her and smiles, and that alone feels like enough.

—

Evan and Connor do end up spending time with Zoe and Alana, inviting Jared over to hang out as well. Connor likes it, he decides, because it means that he and Evan don’t have to talk about college anymore and Connor really doesn’t have to think at all, and. It’s just… it’s what he wanted.

Evan is there and the two of them are doing nothing and it feels perfect.

They decided a movie marathon was on the cards for the night, but halfway through the second movie Connor is fighting off sleep. He’s curled up against Evan, his head resting against his chest listening to his heartbeat methodically. Lulling him to sleep.

He liked that he didn’t have to hide things with Evan in front of Alana and Jared. He could just lay with Evan and not think twice about it and it was just… nice. Everything he wanted when he thought about being with Evan. That they'd have support and friends who didn't care that they were together, and it was just exactly what he needed in his life.

“Connor is asleep,” Zoe smiles when she glances over at the two of them. And Evan does his best to look at Connor, his glasses halfway off his face and his mouth slightly open as he sleeps peacefully. “I can’t remember the last time he actually slept like that. Or slept that well at all. It’s been like, weeks.”

"You two are adorable," Jared teases, but there's a smile on his face and Evan knows he's just kidding, and he loves it. Because Jared had been the one person he had been scared to tell but now he just... he doesn't care.

Evan looks back at all three of them, smiling. “He’s um… he’s looked exhausted since he got home the other day,” Evan says quietly, peering down to make sure him talking wasn’t waking Connor up.

Zoe smiles. “I’m really glad he has someone like you in his life. Like seriously, Ev. Thank you for being the friend he’s needed. I know you’ve always been there, but it’s meant even more the last few months.”

And Evan just smiles, leaning down to press his lips lightly against the top of Connor’s head.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to explain just how much having Connor in his life has meant to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) honestly i never thought people would enjoy this story as much as they have, but i'm so glad you guys do!
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday!


	24. Scare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor worries, Evan helps, and Larry steps in.

Days had turned into weeks, and weeks had turned into the day before Thanksgiving break, which Connor had been counting down the days to, if he was being honest.

It was his last week of two sessions a week with Dr. Taylor, mostly because Dr. Taylor felt that these medications were working and Connor was in a much better place than he had been that night he had been hospitalized. And Connor agreed, but he definitely would never admit that he was kind of going to miss two sessions a week. He felt like it was making him more honest with things.

It took two weeks since they had first started discussing college before Connor had finally had the courage and the stability to apply to the community college and the local college. It was this big deal, he and his parents had sat at the table answering the application questions and writing out the essays, and Connor even used one of his essays to talk about his mental health and how it’s shaped who he is.

He had no expectations to get into the local school. He’d resigned himself to the thought that he would just. Go to the community college for a year or two, and then transfer to another school. And his parents were cool with that, incredibly supportive, never wavering.

“You’re doing the right thing, Connor. It’s not a bad idea to stick at the community college until you know exactly what you want to do, you know,” Larry says, clapping Connor on the back. And Connor flinches, because most days he still thinks his dad as at least a little disappointed his son isn’t going away to school and he’s not a normal kid, but. He’s _trying_.

Connor wakes up on the final day of school before Thanksgiving break, and he can immediately tell it’s going to be a bad day. He doesn’t even have hope for the meds to help him, he just. He doesn’t think he’s going to make it through school and he can already tell that if he goes downstairs for breakfast it’s going to turn into a fight and then he’ll want to hurt himself or get high or punch something, and.

He can’t do any of that.

His mom comes up when he doesn’t get ready for school and grants him the day to just stay home. Decides that it’s not worth it if he really feels like he’s in a bad place. She asks if he wants her to book an extra appointment with Dr. Taylor that day, to which Connor answers agitatedly that he’s _fine_. It’s just a bad day and he doesn’t want his mom to make a big deal about it.

She doesn’t seem phased by his attitude, mumbling something about how she’d be downstairs and she’d really like it if he came down and ate something more with her because he only ate enough breakfast to be able to take his meds.

Connor doesn’t leave his bed until well after lunch, almost to the point where Zoe will be home from school soon. And finds that his dad is home from work early, working on something anyway at the kitchen table.

“Hey,” Larry says softly when he notices Connor standing there. “How are you doing? Mom said you weren’t having a great morning. Did the meds help?”

Connor’s mouth falls open. He can’t really remember a time where his dad just asked him that many questions and didn’t sound like he was doing it out of habit. “I… it’s not a good day,” He finally decides. And turns to see his mom walk out of the laundry room, a genuine smile on her face when she notices him out of bed.

“Do you know why it’s not a good day? Or is it just… just a bad day for no reason?”

Larry was trying to understand. Trying to realize that some days were just bad for no reason. Some days Connor really did wake up in the morning and feel like someone was sitting on his chest, forcing him to stay in bed. Sometimes, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t think of a reason as to why he felt like that.

This time wasn’t one of those times.

“Everyone at school is starting to get their college acceptance letters,” Connor says quietly, his eyes casting down to his feet. “And I don’t _care_ where they’re going, I really don’t. I don’t… I don’t even really mean to read them. They’re all happy about it, and they should be.” He stops. Takes a deep breath. And then looks back between both of his parents. “I talked a lot about it with Dr. Taylor yesterday and it made me feel a little better, but. I can’t stop my mind from thinking about what will happen if I don’t get into either school. If I… what would I do?”

The silence is enough to kill Connor. He’s getting agitated, he knows. And he glances at the clock in hopes that it’ll just speed up and Zoe will walk in the door and they can all forget about what Connor had just admitted.

“Connor,” Larry begins, leaning back in his chair. “I think you need to take a deep breath. The decisions the schools make are out of our hands now, but your answers and your applications were amazing. And yes, your grades aren’t the best grades out there, but there’s obvious change. And it’s a good change. You’ll get into one of them, I’m sure of it.”

That alone should’ve been enough to calm Connor down. That should’ve settled his mind.

But it didn’t. And before Connor had a chance to stop his vision from blurring and his mind to go black, he punches the granite countertop. Hard. “You don’t get it!” He cries, ignoring the searing pain in his hand that he had been searching for all day. The release he craved. “You don’t get it because you got to go to your fucking dream school! You remind us all the time! And I’m not going to fucking get to do that because my brain is a mess and I have bad days and I don’t know how to stop that!”

Connor’s breathing heavy now, both of his parents searching for a way to calm him down. Cynthia goes to look at his hand, but Connor tenses up. Pulls away. And looks between the two of them.

“Connor —“

“Please don’t tell me to calm down,” Connor says quietly, looking between both of his parents. His breathing is still ragged, his hand is throbbing and shaking all at the same time, and he doesn’t even hear Zoe and Alana walk in from school, ready to binge movies and eat junk food to celebrate their last day of school for break.

“I need… I’m going to go to Evan’s,” Connor says, walking towards the front door to slip his shoes on. “Heidi is home. I’ll text you when I’m there,” He says. Because yeah, he’s pissed and his parents don’t understand and he really just wants to like, punch them or something, but. They’re not complete assholes and they have every reason to worry about him right now.

Cynthia doesn't stop him, but instead just says that she loves him and it’ll be fine as he walks out the door. So much of her wants to ask if she can drive him there, but. She knows he wants space. Knows he wants to walk there and clear his head and she just has to _trust_ him. Trust that this is the right thing to do.

And so when he walks down the driveway and begins the fairly short walk to Evan’s, she ignores the grumbling of her husband that they should’ve stopped him, and instead texts Heidi to let her know what’s happening.

—

“Connor is on his way here,” Evan says when he walks into the kitchen after being in his room. “His text is um… confusing.”

Heidi reads it over, sighing as she turns back to her phone. “Cynthia texted me. Said he’s having a bad day and things blew up at their house. She said he wasn’t in school?”

Evan shakes his head. “He um, he said he just. Needed a day off. But he… he wouldn’t say why.”

Heidi looks back at him. “Something about college acceptance letters,” She mumbles, almost like she feels like she should let Connor be the one to tell Evan. “I’ll ask Cynthia the whole thing later, but first let’s talk to him. She said he hurt his hand.”

Evan doesn’t have a chance to answer before there’s a knock at the door and he’s going to answer it. And Connor is standing there, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed, and. Evan almost thinks he’s crying.

“I fucked everything up again. I ruined everything we were doing so well and now it’s my fault we’re not anymore,” Connor rambles as Evan ushers him inside, closing the door to protect them from the nipping cold that November had brought.

“You didn’t, Connor,” Evan says quietly. “It’s just… not uh, not a good day.”

Connor sighs, walking into the living room after he had kicked off his shoes, sitting down on the sofa. And Evan slots himself next to him, the couple having a moment together just before Heidi walks in.

“Connor, we can talk about what’s going on in a minute, but I need to look at your hand. Your mom said you hurt it pretty bad.”

Connor looks up at Heidi, no expression evident on his face. “I need to text her.”

“She knows you’re here. I told her you got here,” Heidi smiles. “Now, can I just take a look? I need to make sure it isn’t broken or we don’t need to go see a doctor.”

Connor pulls his hand from where he had been cradling it against his torso, holding it out for her. It’s the first time he properly looked at it, his knuckles cut up and red, bruises beginning to form. He winces when Heidi presses around them, but he’s able to bend his fingers with little pain and she tells him that’s a good sign as she walks to grab him an ice pack.

“Keep this on it for a little while. It’ll help take the pain away. I’ll ask your mom if you can take some ibuprofen with the meds you’re on.” She pats his leg as she stands up again, and Connor leaves the ice where she left it. Leaning against Evan, he sighs.

“I’m messing it all up again. My dad… he just… he wanted to help. I’m… what if this is another relapse?” He asks, biting his lip. “I haven’t punched anything like that in so long, but now. What if this is a completely different relapse?”

Evan is pretty sure he just felt his heart break. Connor was so… quiet. So timid, afraid even. And he doesn’t know how to answer even though he’s positive this isn’t another relapse, this is just… this is just a bad day that Connor can’t control.

“I um, I don’t think it’s another relapse, babe,” Evan says quietly, taking Connor’s hand in his. “I think you had a bad day and you… you’re overwhelmed? And you didn’t um, you didn’t think things through.”

Connor doesn’t say anything, but Heidi does walk back in and takes a seat in front of him again, holding out two pills. “Take these, your mom said it’s okay. Now, do you want to talk about what has you so upset today?”

Evan has never really been one to be like, grateful that his mom is butting in when he’s with his boyfriend and he really wants to talk to him, but. He thinks maybe they’ll get further with his mom with them. Maybe Connor will want to like, open up more.

“I let myself think about what would happen if I didn’t get in to either college I applied to. Like what I would do then,” Connor says quietly after a moment. And he _knows_ it’s ridiculous, but it’s even more ridiculous when he hears it out loud and hears himself actually admit why he had freaked out so much. “I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have freaked out at my dad or my mom even when they wanted to talk about it. I should’ve just let them talk and I… I didn’t.”

Heidi smiles. “Well, I’m glad that you can see this is a little bit of an overreaction,” She says. And Connor actually laughs at that. “Obviously that’s okay. Sometimes bad days make you do things that you don’t mean to do, but you’re going to be fine.”

“So you think this is just a bad day then?” Connor asks. He sounds much younger than 17, much younger than he looks or even really acts most of the time. And Heidi smiles, reaching forward to run her fingers through Connor’s hair as she nods.

“I think that's exactly what it is,” She smiles. Standing up from her seat in front of the boys, she leans forward and kisses the top of both of their heads. “I’m going to go find something for dinner. Why don’t you two just hang out and watch a movie?” She suggests, and Evan agrees, reaching for the remote to find something for the two of them.

Heidi texts Cynthia quickly, and while she’s making dinner she keeps more than a watchful eye on both boys, reminding herself that everything is okay.

—

“Don’t you think you should like, text him or something?” Alana asks after what feels like hours of virtual silence between the two of them.

In reality it had been an uncomfortable 10 minutes, Zoe making both of them snacks before going through the stack of movies to pick one. She just… got quiet when Connor had stormed out. And normally she would bring it up but she didn’t this time and Alana could see that she wasn’t okay. That she probably wanted to talk about it.

Zoe sighs, looking up. “And say what? Hey I hope you’re fine but I just walked in to you freaking out and then storming off? Come home so we can talk about it?” Zoe asks. She doesn’t mean to sound mean, she’s just. Upset. “There’s no point, Lan. I know you’re trying to be helpful, but. He’d want Evan and Heidi more than he’d ever want me right now.”

The sadness in her voice isn’t really something that Alana is used to. She doesn’t know how to respond to that, because normally Zoe would do _anything_ just to help her brother or show him that he’s there for him. Only this time… this time she doesn’t.

Alana struggles to think of something to say, but just as she thinks she knows something that will lighten the mood, Larry appears on the bottom step of the basement. “I’m going to the Hansen’s to talk to Connor. Make sure that he doesn’t need to go to the hospital for his hand. Mom is upstairs if you need her, but…” He says, trailing off.

And Zoe seems to understand exactly what he means. “Okay. Good luck.”

Alana turns back to Zoe when Larry disappears back upstairs, but Zoe only shrugs. "I don't know, I've learned not to question it. I doubt Connor asked for my dad to come, but. My dad is trying. Hopefully Connor sees that.”

Alana nods. “Do you think your mom is cool with him going over? I mean, I guess she can’t really stop him.”

Zoe smiles at that. "She definitely could stop him if she wanted to,” She laughs. “But honestly, she’s probably upstairs deep cleaning Connor’s room and worrying over him even though he’s had so many good days lately. She tends to… overreact when Connor gets like this sometimes. And I think if my dad offered to go talk to Connor, she’d take him up on it.”

It’s more than Zoe remembers sharing in a long time, but. Alana is her best friend out of anyone, and she knows Connor. She knows that Alana won’t share it with anyone and really she’s just concerned that Zoe should worry more about her brother.

The two of them settle back into the sofa and watch a movie, and although Zoe’s insisted that she’s not that worried, Alana ends up spending most of the time wondering just how much of that was a lie.

—

Larry pulls into the Hansen’s driveway and is immediately transported back to when Connor was 6. He spent so many weekends dropping Connor off for playdates with Evan, and then when Evan’s dad had left, many weekends helping out with getting Evan to any activity he and Connor had been trying together.

It had been years since the last time he remembers dropping Connor off here. Connor had gotten his license as soon as he could, and with that came the freedom to drive to Evan’s whenever he wanted. On occasions when they had taken away his car it had been Cynthia that took Connor over, often wanting to see Heidi anyway.

He takes a moment to collect himself in the car before getting out, reminding himself that Connor was having a bad day and this wasn’t totally him just acting out for the sake of acting out. He reminds himself that getting mad isn’t going to solve anything, in fact it’ll probably only make things worse.

He knocks on the front door twice, and it only takes a moment before Heidi opens it, smiling as she ushers him in. “He’s calmed down a little. He and Evan are watching a movie in the front room,” She says quietly.

Larry thanks her, following her in and looking into the family room to find Connor and Evan curled up on the sofa together, Connor looking more exhausted than anything. “Hey, Connor,” Larry says quietly after taking in the scene for a moment.

Connor looks over, but his expression is almost unreadable and Larry just… wonders if this was the right thing to do. But then Connor tries to smile at him and pulls away from Evan to sit up, and Larry thinks maybe this will end okay after all.

“Hey. I didn’t know you were coming here,” He says quietly. Almost like he’s waiting to be yelled at or for his dad to say that he’s ashamed or something, but. Larry doesn’t.

He just smiles, hovering in the doorway as if he’s not allowed in the room. “I just thought I would come see how you were,” He pauses, looking back at his son. “Did you want to… I don’t know, maybe talk on the porch for a few minutes?” He asks, although he has to admit that he’s surprised when Connor agrees, standing up from the sofa and following his dad back out front as Evan squeezes his hand for support.

Larry sits down on one of the chairs while Connor sits next to him, sighing as he stares out onto the quiet street. “I really didn’t mean to freak out like that,” He says quietly, starting the conversation before Larry has a chance to.

Larry looks up, smiling. “I know you didn’t,” He says quietly, but. He thinks they both know that’s not true. “Connor, I knew it was probably a bad day when you asked to stay home from school. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have escalated the fight the way that I did.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint you,” Connor says quietly. He shifts his gaze from the street down to the concrete, sighing. “You went to your dream school and you’re a lawyer now. I’m going to be lucky to get into community college and even if I do go there, I don’t know what I want to be.”

Larry doesn’t remember the last time he was so… upset. That his son had felt like this and he felt like he even had to amount to anything he’s done at all. “Connor, you know there’s nothing wrong with community college. You go there for a few years and then transfer wherever you want,” He reminds him, but Connor seems apprehensive about it. “And even if you go to the school just down the road or you want to move further away, I’m always going to be proud of you. In whatever you decide to be, I’ll be proud. I already am proud.”

Connor laughs quietly at that, shaking his head. “How could you be proud of me?” He asks quietly, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m a mess. I’ve tried to kill myself, I relapsed so bad that I had to be hospitalized again. I’m barely going to make it out of high school and then when I do it’s not like I’m even ready to leave home.”

“Is that really how you feel?” Larry asks. He isn’t sure what therapy is meant to do. He knows it’s helping, but. He didn’t know that Connor still… he still thought like that. “Connor, I am proud of you because of everything you survived. I know that I wasn’t a good parent. I don’t think I’m doing great right now. But you’re taking your medication, you’re talking to your therapist, and you’re getting better.”

“I don’t know,” Connor whispers. “I just… I don’t know how it gets any better than this.”

Larry stands up, walking over to kneel down in front of his son. “When you woke up in the hospital right after your attempt, did you think that it could get better then?”

Connor sniffles in an attempt to like, not cry in front of his dad, and then shakes his head. “Not really.”

“But it did,” Larry says quietly. “And right now it might not seem like it’s going to get better, but it will. It’s going to keep getting better as long as you keep letting us help you and you keep accepting all the help we can give.”

Connor’s stopped trying to prevent the tears, instead letting them fall as he nods. “Okay.”

Without thinking about it Larry reaches forward, pulling Connor into his arms. And Connor fully cries into his shoulder, letting his dad rub his back.

“I promise you, Connor. I will take every single bad day and every single moment like this just to make sure that you get better.”

“Thank you,” Connor whispers.

And Larry just rubs his back, holding him as tight as he can. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) honestly it means the world and i sound like a broken record but it's true!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday!


	25. Admission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor spends the night at Evan's for the first time in a while, and the Murphys go to therapy.

Connor didn’t remember the last time he needed a break as much as he did with the Thanksgiving one. The worries about college were still there, but after a lengthy session with Dr. Taylor and actually trusting his parents and opening up to them, he seemed to be doing a little better.

It put Cynthia at ease as she watched him from afar, too worried that if she gave him the space he was hoping for he would just… slip away again. When all of them had just been at ease.

“Feel free to totally say no to this,” Connor begins before he’s barely even into the living room where Cynthia had been, a smile playing at his lips as he sits down. “But Evan and I were going to work on some history work. And he wants to know if I can just spend the night there with him since he always stays here.”

Connor had prepared himself for his mom to say no. He had even prepared Evan for that reaction, because he had just had that big freakout a few days prior and he just… he didn’t know if his mom would be ready for him to just up and leave for the night.

But she doesn’t immediately say it's a bad idea, and Connor has to sit there and remind himself that he can’t get his hopes up.

“Will Heidi be home tonight? She’s not working overnight or anything, right?” Cynthia asks.

Connor immediately shakes his head. “I already asked Evan. He said she had the day off today and she’s not going into work tomorrow until lunch. I’ll be home before then since I have therapy.”

Cynthia seems to be mulling it over for a moment, sighing when she looks back at her son. “Okay, fine,” She agrees, smiling when Connor seems excited. “You’ve had a good few days and Heidi will be there if you need her. I think you’re okay to go,” She decides.

Connor stands up, walking over to the sofa to sit down and hug her. “I’ll be okay, I promise.”

Cynthia smiles when Connor scrambles off to tell Evan, and she can’t help but think about how this is what she always envisioned when she thought about Connor being a teenager — letting him sleep over his friends houses, trusting him to not do anything stupid or have anything happen to him.

—

If Connor thinks too much about it, he freaks himself out about being able to sleep over Evan’s for the first time since everything had happened.

It had been almost 4 months since he had tried to kill himself, and while he’s worlds better than he had been back then, he still didn’t think his mom would be ready for him to go anywhere for a little while.

He and Evan spend part of the afternoon up in his room actually working on the work that Connor had told his mom they were going to do. He didn’t mind history, really, but he has to admit that it’s mostly Evan that makes him keep up on the work.

“You um, you okay?” Evan asks after Connor had been uncharacteristically quiet for a few minutes. Normally he’d talk through his work, talk to Evan about anything, or like, just not focus that intensely. But now he was quiet and Evan couldn’t help but get worried.

Connor looks up from his work, running his fingers through his hair as he nods. “I just took a few days off not doing work. Just trying to like, focus and actually learn it,” He shrugs. Evan seems uneasy about the answer at first, but then quickly takes the answer when Connor goes back to looking through his notebook.

Heidi calls them down for dinner eventually, and Evan closes his books as he watches Connor for a moment. “Con, babe,” Evan says quietly, standing up and walking over to where Connor had been sitting at Evan’s desk. “Hey,” He says softly, rubbing Connor’s shoulder. “My mom um, she called us down for dinner?” He says quietly.

And Connor looks up at him, sighing. “I didn’t hear her, sorry,” He mumbles. But he looks exhausted and Evan just smiles, leaning down to kiss Connor.

“I-It’s fine. Let’s just stop there though, okay?” He says. He’s expecting some sort of pushback, some sort of argument from Connor about how he’s _fine_ and he wants to pick up where they left off after they ate, but. Connor nods and shuts his books without even an argument, and when he stands up and leans down to kiss Evan again, he just. He doesn’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Dinner is quiet for the most part, which isn’t all that unusual for Heidi and Evan, but it just feels awkward with Connor there. Evan spends most of the few minutes thinking about what to say to just cut the quiet, but Heidi starts talking before he has to think of something.

“So, how have things been going, Connor? Have you been having a good break?” She asks, which seems like such an impersonal question considering Connor is literally Evan’s boyfriend, and Heidi has known him since they were little.

But Connor swallows his bite of food and smiles, shrugging. “It’s been okay. I’ve been a lot better since the other day,” He says quietly, which brings a smile to Heidi’s face. “My whole family is coming to my therapy session tomorrow. Which will be weird, but Dr. Taylor thinks it’ll be a good thing to change things up.”

Evan looks back at Connor, surprise written all over his face. “You um, you didn’t tell me that,” He says quietly.

“I forgot about it,” Connor shrugs. “My mom reminded me this morning. I don’t think Zoe’s excited about it anyway. She’s probably annoyed I’m taking her out of an hour of her life to come talk about how her brother is messed up.”

“Okay, well I don’t think that’s the case, sweetheart,” Heidi steps in, her smile faltering. “You know Zoe wants to help. I think she’s more than willing to spend an hour in therapy with you.”

Connor shrugs, but he also knows Heidi is right. “I just feel bad.”

“Well that is certainly different than you thinking Zoe doesn’t want to go with you,” Heidi retorts, actually getting a laugh out of Connor.

They finish up dinner and Connor offers to help clean up, not that he’s surprised when Heidi shoos them away. “Just go watch a movie or something,” She smiles, and so Evan takes Connor’s hand, pulling him back up to his room.

Evan makes no moves to turn on a movie after shutting his door, only collapsing in his bed beside Connor. “Just wanna lay here for a while,” He mumbles so low that Connor almost doesn’t hear him. But he smiles and pulls him close anyway, kissing the top of his head.

It’s silent for a moment, but Connor doesn’t mind as he instead just listens to Heidi cleaning up downstairs and Evan’s breathing and he’s pretty sure it’s been months since he just felt so… calm. At ease.

“Babe?” Connor says after a few minutes, breaking the silence that the two of them had obviously liked.

“Hm?” Evan hums, but his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks when he looks up at him and Connor wonders if it’s possible for him to fall even more in love with Evan than he already was.

“Do you think… do you think my family will ever be totally open about my recovery?” He hates that he asked the minute it left his lips. “I mean, do you think they’ll understand why I need to live at home for a few years before I even think about going away to school? And like, they’ll be more open in general?”

Evan’s silent for a moment, which Connor knows really just means that he’s thinking over his answer. But it doesn’t really make him feel better, and he’s pretty sure he can hear his heart beating in his ears and he wishes he could just ask if they didn’t talk about what he had brought up himself.

“I-I think they will, Connor,” He says quietly after a moment. “Your parents are um, they’re already doing better. And so is Zoe? I’m sure they… they understand. It’ll keep getting better.”

Connor nods, his hand idly rubbing against Evan’s arm. “I feel a lot better about how things with Zoe and I are. And I know things with my dad are better. I just need to trust them. Maybe most of it is me.”

Evan laughs, shaking his head against Connor’s chest. “Some of it… some of it is,” He smiles, earning a laugh from Connor as he leans up to kiss him. “But you’re… you’re all getting better. But you trusting them w-would help,” He says quietly.

Connor nods, leaning down to kiss Evan again as he thanks him quietly.

They end up making out instead of picking a movie, but Connor doesn’t mind. He just. He’s been longing for a night like this since everything had happened, and he knows it’s exactly what he needed to feel okay.

—

Zoe walks briskly into Connor’s therapists office, relieved to find her family still sitting in the waiting room.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. The girl taking over for me was running late because there was an accident and so I had to wait for her to get there which meant I didn’t leave on time,” She says breathlessly, sinking down into the chair in the waiting room beside her father.

Cynthia smiles. “It’s fine, sweetheart. They’re running a little late here today, so you haven’t missed anything and you didn’t hold anything up,” She says quietly.

Zoe nods, checking her phone quickly before looking up at Connor, who was leaning back in the waiting room chair staring at his feet. She sighs, nudging his feet with hers. “You good?” She asks quietly.

She figures Connor shrugging isn’t like, the worst response she could’ve ever received. But it still makes her uneasy, and she can’t help but worry that this therapy session is going to go terribly. “How was Evan’s?”

Connor sighs. “It was fine. Nice to be able to sleep somewhere that wasn’t home. Have some time away,” He mumbles, forcing himself to sit up a little bit.

Zoe smiles, but drops the conversation when she figures Connor isn’t really up for talking right now. She tries to gauge his expressions while he’s sitting there staring at nothing, but she can’t tell and she’s afraid if she keeps looking he’s going to realize and freak out or sabotage the therapy session somehow even though she knows he likes Dr. Taylor, and. She just has to remind herself that it’s _her_ that’s blowing things out of proportion.

They end up being called back into a room not long after, and Zoe waits for Connor to stand up before she stands up herself, following him down a long hallway and into a room in the back. Zoe sits on the sofa beside Connor, setting her bag down next to her and struggling to figure out how this is going to go.

Connor talks with Dr. Taylor for the first few minutes, and Zoe idly listens. She almost wonders if Connor is even being truthful considering their parents are sitting right there, but she listens and realizes that she’s seen how much better he had been doing the last few days, and she figures maybe this won’t be as bad as she was bracing herself for.

“So, Zoe, in the beginning when Connor would come to his sessions, he would express how you were being nice to him and he wanted to repair the relationship but he felt like maybe he had ruined it. How do you think things are going?” Dr. Taylor asks.

Zoe takes her time answering, letting the question run through her mind a few times before she opens her mouth. “It’s been better,” She finally decides, looking back up at him. “Obviously not all days are great. We still fight sometimes, argue over little things or petty things that I really shouldn’t be like, that worried about. But now it’s more normal things siblings fight over. He’s not like threatening to kill me or chasing me up to my room anymore.”

“So you would say things are getting better between the two of you?” He asks.

Zoe doesn’t hesitate before she nods. “Definitely. It’s way better. I feel like… I feel like I have my brother back most of the time,” She says softly, looking towards Connor and smiling.

And he smiles back, reaching over to rest his hand on hers for a split second before pulling away.

“Connor, do you feel like she’s helping you get better now that you’ve talked things through?”

“Yeah,” Connor says quietly, running his fingers through his hair. “I feel like if something bad were happening I can go to her and I don’t have to be afraid that she’ll freak out or not want to help me. I haven’t felt like that in a really long time with Zoe, but talking things through with her has made me feel so much better about things.”

The two of them talk a lot about what they’ve been doing to help fix their relationship, which really isn’t as intimidating or as bad as Zoe had envisioned. Connor doesn’t seem upset which she takes as a success, and so. She’s just going with it, praying that it’s okay.

Dr. Taylor shifts his attention to Cynthia, starting with a few basic questions about how they were previously. Connor doesn’t seem concerned, but he knows there has to be a downfall somewhere.

And then it comes. “Connor, talk about how things have changed with your mom.”

Connor sighs, forcing himself to sit up a little bit. “I mean, when things first started getting bad a few years ago I was awful. I would pick fights with her and purposely come home high just to get a rise out of her.”

“Did you know it was hurting her?”

Connor feels his cheeks flush when he nods. “But I think that’s why I did it. Because I knew it was breaking her heart. But I just… I felt like if it was breaking her heart that I was acting out so much she would’ve immediately thrown me into therapy or something.”

“For the first few months we chalked it up to being a teenager. He had just turned 14, I knew things weren’t perfect at school, and I thought maybe this is just him acting out, being rebellious. But then it kept happening, and it kept getting worse far quicker than we realized,” Cynthia chimed in. Her voice is shaking Connor notices, which makes him feel awful.

Cynthia takes a moment, collecting her thoughts before looking up again. “We did some things that weren’t okay. My husband and I pulled him out of therapy when we shouldn’t have. We sent him off to rehabs and retreats in hopes that it would help, but he wasn’t the only problem. He wasn’t the only reason things got so bad. He needed us, and we weren’t there.”

Dr. Taylor reaches forward and hands her a tissue. “Connor, have you told them how you felt about all of this?”

Connor sighs. “Probably when I was angry, yeah,” He begins, looking between both of his parents. “I said I hated therapy a lot, but I think that was probably the only normal thing about me when I was 14. And then when they pulled me off meds and out of therapy I just thought that they had no faith. Because I really did start to feel better, and I really thought I was doing better.”

“And rehab and the retreats?”

“I hated those,” Connor laughs, shaking his head. “I thought you guys were punishing me. And I wasn’t nice to Zoe, or you guys. I did some really bad things to Zoe and I said some awful things to them. That wasn’t okay, I agree with that. But I never thought sending me to a rehab or the million retreats they tried were also a good thing. It just made me angrier that they thought sending me away was the only thing they could do.”

Connor glances at his parents, noticing both of them staring at their laps. He hates that he can’t read what they’re thinking, but. He figures maybe his dad not looking angry is a huge step in the right direction in all of this.

He really didn’t think his dad would be on board with all of this.

“We didn’t know what to do,” Larry finally speaks up. All of them look towards him, almost in disbelief that he would say something like this without being prompted. “I’m not excusing what we did. I don’t think we did the right thing because I look at him now and I just… I know he’s doing so much better on meds and in therapy and I wish we had just stuck with it years ago.”

“It was me that pulled him out of therapy and off the medication. I just… I didn’t want to believe that this was a mental thing. I didn’t want to believe that this wasn’t just teenage hormones. And so I thought that if I pulled him away from all of that he’d realize that this was just… an attention thing. And he was fine.”

Connor’s fairly sure you could hear a pin drop in the room when his dad stops talking. It’s not new information to him, he always knew it was his dad that made the final decisions, that always assumed he was doing it for attention. But hearing him admit it and his reasons behind it hurt a lot more than he thought it was going to.

“I told him this the other day, but I’m so proud of how well he’s been doing since everything happened. And I’m so proud of him that he’s willing to work with us, willing to try to heal these relationships. Because I’m not sure that any of us deserve it. I know we’re family, but… we weren’t a good family for Connor when he needed us the most,” Larry says quietly. He looks over at his son, smiles softly. And Connor smiles back.

“Connor, do you forgive him for all of that? Or do you think you need more time?”

It’s such a loaded question that Connor doesn’t know how to answer at first. “I don’t _not_ forgive him,” He says, folding his hands in his lap. “I don’t like what he did. I don’t like that he pulled me out of therapy and took me off medications just because he insisted I was doing this for attention.” He feels himself getting upset, and stops to take a deep breath. “But he’s trying now. And he’s been so willing to understand that the medication really does help and coming here does help, and that’s all I’ve wanted.”

He rubs at his eyes, and when Zoe rests her hand against his thigh he doesn’t pull away. “All I’ve wanted was my family to actually help and not pull me away from things, and that’s finally happening. Things are getting better, but I can’t have them go away. I can’t… I can’t do this without them.”

He doesn’t hear his mom get up from where she had been sat, but she sits on the arm of the sofa Connor had been sitting on and wraps him in a hug, kissing the top of his head.

“We’re not going anywhere, sweetheart. All of us are right here. This will get better.”

It’s the first time he truly believes that.

—

Connor decides to go home with Zoe when they’re done with therapy, and although Connor doesn’t ask, he doesn’t complain when she pulls into McDonald’s and announces that they deserve fries.

“Mom’s gonna be so mad we’re eating fast food,” Connor laughs when Zoe pulls into a parking spot after getting their food, shifting the car into park.

“That’s why we’re not going to tell her,” She smirks, holding her pinky out. “Pinky promise you won’t say anything?”

Connor rolls his eyes as he locks his pinky with hers. “You used to always make me pinky promise you things.”

Zoe laughs. “Well, yeah. Couldn’t have you spilling all my secrets to Mom and Dad when we were little.”

The car is silent for a moment, but it’s a comfortable silence. One that Connor didn’t mind. But then Zoe breaks it, looking back at Connor as she pulls another fry out of the container.

“So, how do you think therapy went? Does it always get that emotional?”

Connor laughs at that, shaking his head. “No, I don’t usually cry that much,” He promises. “But I think it went okay. I went in prepared for Mom and Dad to like… justify everything they did in the past. But Dad straight up said he knows everything was wrong.”

Zoe nods. “I mean, he didn’t do great things, but he’s not a monster. He’s just… he’s seeing that now.”

“Thanks for coming, by the way,” Connor says quietly after a moment. “I’m sure there are a million other things you would’ve rather been doing.”

“Hey,” Zoe says softly, her head falling back against the headrest. “What did I tell you a while ago? I want to help you get better. And if coming to your therapy and talking things through is what we need to keep moving forward, I’ll come to every session you want me at.”

“So if I asked you’d come with me on a random day you’d come?” He asks, sounding so unsure and shocked all at once.

And Zoe smiles, popping another fry into her mouth. “Of course. If you want that just come to me a day or two in advance and I’ll make sure I’m free to come with you,” She promises.

There are days where Zoe feels like she’s the older sibling. Days where she feels like Connor needs her more than she needs him. And she can’t remember when it started feeling like that, but she does know that she doesn’t care.

Because sitting in that McDonald’s parking lot talking with her brother about things she would’ve never brought up before, even sitting in the car with Connor talking to him and not fighting, is more than what she could’ve ever asked for. More than what she could’ve ever envisioned when she sat in her brother’s hospital room on that Summer day with a million thoughts running through her mind.

But Connor is happier now, he has a boyfriend, and the relationship between he and Zoe is getting better. The whole family is getting better.

And if all of that had to happen because Zoe had to step up to the plate and be the sibling that helped her older brother, then she would do it. She would do anything just to make things keep going in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading/commenting/leaving kudos you're all too nice to me i don't deserve it <3
> 
> you can come talk to me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on friday! <3 <3 <3


	26. Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets good news and Connor tries to be more honest with everyone.

Connor hears of more and more people starting to get into colleges the closer they inch to Christmas break. He had already heard back from the community college and although there had yet to be any letter from the local college he had applied to, he doesn't think he’s going to go there even if he was accepted. He decides that maybe community college is better for him, and after many angry and frustrated therapy sessions with Dr. Taylor he believes he made the right decision.

The night before Christmas break begins Connor and Evan had planned to hang out at Evan’s house, Heidi getting off work early and bringing home pizza. Connor had been spending more time at the Hansen’s now that things were going much better, and when his mom agreed to let him go to Evan’s while Heidi was still at work for a few hours, he hated to admit how excited it actually made him.

“I told you nothing bad would happen,” He smirks when Cynthia watches him walk through the front door.

And she rolled her eyes, remembering back to when Connor was 12 and she had let him stay home alone for the first time. “Well, we’ll slowly work back up to that freedom. Maybe not home alone yet, but. Alone with Zoe or friends is a step I’m ready for.”

“Me too,” Connor says quietly.

And then it becomes something that begins to happen a little more often.

Heidi is home this time and the three of them had began eating the pizza as if they hadn’t eaten in months, which. Connor is surprising himself about how much he's actually been able to eat lately. And judging by Evan’s eyes and the smile he gives him when they look at each other, he’s surprised too.

“Oh, Ev, there was an envelope in the mail today from the college,” Heidi says calmly, which Connor almost wants to laugh at because Evan had been waiting for that envelope for weeks and his mom just acts like it’s a normal thing people get in the mail every day.

Evan finishes his piece of pizza in an attempt to look like he’s totally _not_ freaking out about the fact that his dream school may have sent an acceptance letter that’s sitting in a pile of mail on the counter left untouched.

Connor watches him as he walks over and pulls the envelope out, Heidi smiling. “I’ve always heard that big envelopes are a good sign,” She sings, but Evan just grows more anxious because what if it’s not an acceptance letter and it’s just a really elaborate rejection letter that they sent and he’ll have gotten excited for no reason?

Connor notices Evan's hands are shaking as he tears open the top of the letter, but before Connor can even think of something to say to calm him down Evan’s pulling out the folder from the envelope.

He turns it over, and all three of them smile when they see what’s written on the front.

**CONGRATULATIONS**

“Oh my god,” Evan says quietly, looking up at his mom and Connor with a smile on his face. “I-I got in!”

He doesn’t even open the folder before his mom is laughing and pulling him into a hug, leaning back to kiss him. “I knew you could do it, baby! You worked so hard for this and look how it paid off!” She smiles, holding him again as Evan stands there in shock, as if he hadn’t really expected this.

He looks over at Connor, who is still beaming but obviously quieter than Heidi was, but he doesn’t look upset. He just gives them their moment, and then waits for Evan to walk over to him to hug him.

“I told you you could do it,” Connor mumbles against Evan’s hair, ignoring the fact that Heidi is still moving around the kitchen as he kisses the top of his head. “No reason to worry about it this whole time, we knew you would get in and you did! And now you get to go to your dream school and study exactly what you want to study.”

Evan nods, pulling himself from Connor’s chest and leaning up to kiss him quickly. “Thank you,” He whispers, kissing him again as a smile spreads across his face. “You um, you helped me not freak out? Most of the time. A-And when I did you um, you never got mad?” He says.

Connor doesn’t really know what to say. He thought that by supporting Evan it was exactly what he needed to do, but. Now he isn’t sure if he did _anything_ right. “I just wanted to help,” Connor finally says, but he sounds more hurt than he means to. “I know this was a big deal for you. I would’ve been nervous to the whole time I was waiting to hear back,” He smiles.

Evan nods, taking Connor’s hand and pulling him upstairs, yelling something back to his mom about how they’d be back down soon. Heidi just laughed, reminding them to keep the door partly open.

Evan barely leaves it parted before he leans up, kissing Connor the way he had been wanting to kiss him since his mom had come home. “Thank you,” He breathes out, kissing him again as Connor pulled him closer.

“Why are you thanking me?” Connor asks, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smile as he rests his hand on Evan’s chest. “I didn’t do anything, Ev. You did all this hard work yourself. All the scholarship essays, the application. You did it all. I just reminded you that you were totally capable of doing it.”

Evan laughs, pulling Connor over so they could squeeze onto his twin bed — which wasn’t necessarily comfortable for either of them. “Y-yeah, but. You um. You never got mad or upset when this is all I was… I was obsessing over and all I could really talk about. A-and you totally could’ve just told me to shut up.”

Connor laughs at that, leaning down to peck Evan’s lips quickly. “This was really important to you. I know I’m a dick most of the time and I freak out over stupid things, but this meant a lot to you. I wasn’t going to ruin that.”

“I didn't think you would,” Evan counters quickly. Suddenly fearing that maybe Connor thought he was worried that he would ruin something that Evan cared a lot about. Which wasn’t the truth. At all. He would’ve understood if Connor told him to shut up.

“How about we just stop talking about this, and you make out with me as a celebration of you getting into your dream school,” Connor smirks after a moment, raising his eyebrows.

Evan glances towards the door, shrugging before pressing his lips against Connor’s.

He figures this is a better alternative than talking about it. A much better one where they don’t have to make awkward conversation going around in circles.

—

Connor ends up staying at the Hansen’s well into the night, only going home when Cynthia had texted him. He sends her a quick text back, turning to Evan to see him half asleep.

“Babe, I have to go,” Connor whispers, nudging Evan’s shoulder carefully. Evan stirs, parting his eyes and looking up at Connor as he nods.

He sits up, rubbing at his eyes and swinging his legs over the side of the bed as the two of them walk downstairs, Heidi watching some movie on TV.

“Your mom text you, honey?” She asks as Connor slips back on his shoes, peering into the living room and nodding. “Okay, be careful going home,” She says, waving goodbye.

“I will. Thank you for the pizza, Heidi.”

“You’re always welcome, sweetheart.”

Connor waves goodbye, stepping out onto the front porch with Evan trailing behind him. “I really am proud of you, you know. I’m glad I was here when you found out you got in,” Connor reminds him, and Evan just blushes, shaking his head.

“Th-thanks. I love you,” He says quietly, wrapping his arms around Evan’s middle.

Connor leans down, kissing him. “I love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow,” He says quietly, kissing him again before walking out to his car, waving before pulling away.

He drives home with the music playing quietly, but ends up spending most of the time thinking about how Evan’s successes didn’t make him jealous or upset.

He was just proud.

—

“There you are,” Cynthia smiles when Connor finally walks through the door, pulling her glasses off and resting them on top of her book. “How was Evan’s? Did you have a good time?”

Connor nods, walking over and sitting next to her on the sofa. “Evan heard back from that college he applied to? The one that was like an hour away.”

“Oh? Heidi mentioned he was really hoping to get in there. Something about them having a good environmental science program.”

Connor nodded, leaning back against the cushions and turning towards his mom. “Well, he got in,” He smiles, and Cynthia smiles right back at him.

“Oh, that’s so exciting for him! I bet Heidi is over the moon proud of him. She had been worried about it the last few weeks.”

“So had Evan,” Connor laughs, picking at the fraying of his sweatshirt. “But I’m pretty sure he’s going to go there now.”

Cynthia nods, letting the silence linger for a moment before turning towards her son. “How are you doing? Like since he found out. You okay?” She asks, still slightly worried that he’ll get mad at her for asking this.

Connor sighs, shrugging. “I think I’m okay,” He finally says after a moment, his head falling to look at Cynthia. “I really am happy for him. I know he worked really hard for this and his dream was to go here, and I’m happy that he gets to live his dream.”

Cynthia nods, trying to gauge her son’s reaction based on more than what he’s just saying. “It’s okay to be upset, you know. You can be excited for him but still be sad that he’s going to be going away from home.”

“I know,” Connor nods, and maybe a little uncharacteristically he falls to lay his head in his mom’s lap. “I mean, it’s only an hour away. It doesn’t have to say anything. I just… I don’t want him to meet all these great friends there and then when I come to visit I’ll feel like I’m messing up his plans or putting him out. Or he’ll like… he won’t want to come home and visit because he’s having so much fun there.”

Cynthia hesitates for a moment, her hand hovering over Connor’s head before finally running her fingers through his hair. “I really don’t think that’s something you have to worry about, baby,” Cynthia smiles. “This doesn’t have to change anything between you guys. Evan is totally in love with you, and although he’ll probably make new friends there, I don’t think he’s going to be upset in the slightest that you’re going to visit him. And he’s going to come home plenty. Heidi won’t let him stay away for too long.”

Connor laughs at that, nodding. “Yeah, I know. I know it’ll be fine… I just. Sometimes it’s hard not to think about what happens if it doesn’t.”

“Well,” Cynthia says, smiling as she continues running her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp, “If we get to that point. Where it doesn’t end up working out for whatever reason, we’ll take it one day at a time then. But you know you can always talk to me about what’s going through your head. Not just about this. About anything.”

She can see Connor roll his eyes, but there’s a smile on his face. “Yeah, I know. And I will.”

It’s the first time Cynthia truly believed that.

—

After the family therapy session, it was obvious to everyone that Larry had been trying to do more to help. Not just with Connor’s recovery, but with being more a part of the family. He had suggested movie nights, which his teenage children begrudgingly went along with because they knew that this was his way of being there for them more, being more present in the whole process that they were all going through.

He had also started helping Cynthia with dinner, the small amount of alone time between the two of them enough to help strengthen their relationship after everything they had been through.

“Did Connor tell you that Evan got into his dream school? That one that’s an hour away?” Cynthia asks as she chops the vegetables, looking over at her husband as he works on the other portion of the vegetables for the soup Cynthia had been working on.

Larry raises his eyebrows, shaking his head. “No, he didn’t mention it. When did he find out?”

“Yesterday. When Connor stayed there for dinner the envelope came in the mail.”

Larry nods, tossing his vegetables into the pot. “That’s good for him. I bet he’s excited,” He says, stirring the food. “How’s Connor doing with it all? He seems okay from what I’ve seen.”

“I think he’s doing okay,” Cynthia agrees, adding her vegetables in with Larry’s. “He talked to me about it yesterday while you were at the dinner meeting. He’s worried that this may break them, or make them grow apart. Which I told him that I didn’t think would happen with either of them. Not sure he’s totally convinced.”

Larry smiles. “Well, they have a while before they have to worry about it, but I do think you’re right. I just don’t see them growing apart at all. It’s been years since they’ve been friends, and I don’t think them being in a relationship changes anything.”

“Me either,” Cynthia smiles, leaning over to kiss her husband. “I’m really glad we’re all in a better place. That we can talk about this and there’s not as much fighting.”

Larry smiles, moving to grab bowls for the four of them as he smiles. “Me too,” He whispers, mostly just wishing that he had managed to do this sooner.

—

“Why have you been laying in bed all afternoon watching _The Office_? Are you like having a depressive episode or something?” Zoe asks as she stands in the doorway of her brother’s room.

Connor laughs at that, shaking his head as he sits up a little bit. “No? I just didn’t really feel like doing anything when I got home and Mom and Dad are making dinner so it’s loud. I kind of have a headache anyway. But I haven’t been up here _that_ long."

“You’ve been up here since you got home from breakfast with Evan. That was at like noon,” Zoe points out, crossing her arms over her chest as she walks in and sits down on his office chair. “I heard he got into his dream school. He texted and told me.”

“Yeah, he did. He found out last night when I was there for dinner.”

Zoe nods. “He’s worried about you.”

Connor turns back to his sister, furrowing his eyebrows. “What do you mean he’s worried about me? We talked about it all. I’m happy for him.”

“He’s worried that you’re not telling him how you really feel. He’s scared that you’re just saying you’re excited because you don’t want to upset him since you know how much he wanted this.”

Connor sighs, leaning back against his pillows. “I don’t want him to worry about me. I’m fine, really.”

“Connor,” Zoe says, rolling her eyes. “You can be worried. I’m not going to text him and tell him he’s justified, but I get it, okay? It’s probably weird knowing you and Evan are going to be long distance next year.”

“I know,” Connor nods. “I just… I’m going to be fine. I just need time to process it all. But I don’t want him worrying about me, he should be excited about himself.”

“He’s still very excited, Con. Don’t worry about that. You’ve just… you’ve been through a lot. And he doesn’t want you to isolate yourself. None of us do.”

“I won’t,” Connor says, a little more agitated than he was before. “I promise. I talked to Mom last night. If she’s not here I’d call you or Dad, okay? I promise you I won’t slip away again. I’m not trying to be hospitalized again.”

“Okay,” Zoe nods. It’s not that she doesn’t believe her brother. It’s just… she knows he says he’ll talk, but she knows that it’s not that easy. At least for him, who spent so many years isolating himself and pushing everyone away. “I care about you, Con. So does Evan. We all do. And if you need to talk about this, you can’t worry about spoiling the happiness. You need to take care of yourself.”

“Zo, I know,” He repeats. He stares at the ceiling for a moment. “I promise you. I’m going to be better. You don’t have to believe me. You really don’t. But I’ll tell you if my brain changes. I just need time right now.”

“Okay,” Zoe nods. “Dinner is almost ready. Want to come down and annoy Mom and Dad with me like we used to?”

Connor wants to say no. He wants to be alone, but he also is afraid that if he says he wants to be alone Zoe will freak out and tell their parents and then they would hover and probably make an extra appointment with Dr. Taylor because they were worried that he would slip away if they didn’t get on it early enough.

“Okay,” Connor nods. And he shuts off his Netflix, pulling himself out of bed and follows his sister downstairs.

—

Connor was fairly quiet at dinner, complaining of a headache as he finished up his soup and retreated upstairs. Cynthia let him be for a while, and although Zoe had thought about telling her parents that Evan was worried about Connor, she thought better of it and realized that it would just make things worse for Connor, which isn’t what she wanted.

“I’m going to bring Connor some medicine, make sure he’s okay. We can watch that movie when I come back down?” Cynthia asks Larry as they finish cleaning up, and Larry nods. It’s not awkward or tense, which is a huge step based on what she and Larry had been going through for years.

Connor’s watching more Netflix when she goes upstairs, buried under a blanket on his bed. They were so close to Christmas break that Cynthia almost foresees what she’s in for when he’s off of school, but she also decides that having him home like this is much better than any other alternative.

“I brought you some ibuprofen for your head,” Cynthia says after knocking on the doorway, grabbing his water bottle off his nightstand and handing it to him after putting the pills in his hand. “Still pretty bad?”

“Kind of, yeah,” Connor nods, taking both pills as Cynthia sits with him. “It’s probably just because I didn’t sleep that much last night and then I got up early to go to breakfast with Evan before he had to go to his grandparents.”

Cynthia nods, moving to lean back against the pillows with her son. Connor didn’t move away, just sort of curled up near her as he sighed, continuing to watch _The Office_.

“I remember when you were little and I used to come lay with you in here when you had a bad dream or when you couldn’t fall asleep,” She smiles, her arm resting around Connor’s shoulders. “You were such a mama’s boy.”

“Mom,” Connor groans, but Cynthia just laughs.

“What? It was sweet! You would spend as much time with me, always curling up against me when we would have family nights. And if you went anywhere with your dad you would just come home and follow me around telling me everything that you and Dad did that day.”

Connor laughs at that, but he doesn’t remember any of it. “Sorry I ruined all of that. All of the… the good memories.”

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia sighs, looking down at him. “You didn’t, I promise you. You haven’t ruined anything. There are some not so good memories, I know. But there are so many good memories and I know there will be more.”

Connor nods, sighing. “Still can be a mama’s boy.”

Cynthia laughs. “You definitely can be. I think you still are, deep down under this angsty yet charming teenager that my little boy has grown into.”

Connor nods, curling up against her as a joke. It’s the most normal things have felt in months, but Cynthia has to say that putting Connor on medications and putting him in therapy is the best thing they’ve ever done.

Because there are moments like these where she feels like she has her little boy back. The little boy who followed her everywhere, who needed her for every little thing. And while things are not totally perfect, it’s better. And it’s all she’s ever wanted for her son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos <3 <3 <3
> 
> not many more chapters left, but i did already write two little one-shots that go with this fic and i plan on writing more, so i'll be posting them after! :)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> more on tuesday! <3


	27. Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are looking up, Connor gets privileges back, and Zoe reflects.

Connor doesn't think he's ever had plans for New Years before in his life. People mostly stopped being his friend in the second grade, and Evan never really wanted to hang out for that long anyway, not that Connor wanted to either.

So when Zoe comes into his room asking if he wanted to hang out with her and her friends for New Years, he almost chokes on his water. “It’s not going to be a big thing, Jared Kleinman is coming and then Alana and I at her house. You and Ev are more than welcome. He’s friends with Jared, right?” She asks, sitting down on the edge of Connor’s bed.  
Connor sighs, nodding. And he knows that Evan will probably be excited about this, because it's not a big group of people and he likes hanging out with Jared. And Alana has apparently been helping Evan with his chemistry homework or whatever and he keeps saying how she’s really nice and they should hang out with her.

And it’s not like Connor doesn’t _want_ to hang out with her, because Zoe is best friends with her and he knows that Alana is really a good person, but he just. He doesn’t know how he’s going to hang out with people when he’s never been invited to any party like this before.

“Can I think about it?” Connor asks after a moment, running his hands through his hair before pulling it up into a bun. “Like I know it’s a good thing to hang out and it’s not that many people. I just… I don’t know.”

Zoe nods, falling into his desk chair and resting her feet on the edge of his bed. “Of course, yeah. I just thought I’d ask now so you didn’t get this like sprung on you or whatever,” She shrugs. Connor thanks her quietly, leaning back on his pillows and typing on his phone for a moment.

Zoe wrestles with her own mind for a moment before looking back at her brother, sighing. “Do you… are you okay? With like, the whole Evan going away for college thing? I know it’s been a few weeks since you found out. Just… are you doing okay?” She asks.

Connor doesn’t look up from his phone at first, and for a moment Zoe thinks maybe slipping out of his room before Connor freaks out and gets mad that she asked him at all.

“I’m okay,” He finally says, setting his phone down on the bed and sighing. “Evan and I have talked about it a lot, and I mean, it’s not ideal. Obviously I’d like to be able to go away with him or whatever, but right now that’s not… it’s not going to happen,” Connor says quietly, staring at his comforter and pulling at a loose string. “I really thought I’d be more distraught than I am. Dr. Taylor keeps telling me it’s great how I’m reacting to this. How it’s some big moment in recovery or whatever,” He smirks, rolling his eyes.

“You can always go visit Ev. And I’m sure he’ll be home a lot. Heidi’s going to be an empty nester,” Zoe smiles. Connor laughs at that, nodding.

“The only reason I’m not freaking out is because I told myself that I would never get in there. You can’t be upset if you set yourself up for disappointment.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Don’t think that’s quite the coping technique Dr. Taylor was looking for.”

“Maybe not,” Connor shrugs. He looks up at his sister, smiling. “But it’s helped.”

Zoe nods, opening her mouth to say something before they’re called downstairs for dinner. “Well,” She begins, standing up as he moves to follow her. “If you ever like, want to talk about it you can. You can just ask.”

Connor smiles. “Thanks, Zo. Seriously. For being so… willing to help. You’re the best.”

Zoe smiles, and when Connor unexpectedly throws his arm over her shoulder, she doesn’t pull away.

It’s the brother-sister moments Zoe had been missing the last few years. And she’s more than excited to have them back.

—

“So,” Connor begins, walking upstairs to Evan’s room and falling back on the bed. Heidi had just gotten home from work, promising to order Thai food and the three of them could find a movie to watch before Connor had to be home later that night. “Zoe told me about some New Years party she’s having with Alana and Jared? She asked if we wanted to go.”

“Jared asked me too,” Evan says quietly, shutting his door behind him and falling into bed beside Connor, curling up against him. “It’s um, you can decide if we go?”

“Don’t want it to be just up to me,” Connor groans, his cheek falling against Evan’s hair. “Just… think you should help me with the decision.”

Evan hums under his breath, tracing patterns against Connor’s t-shirt. Connor can feel his breathing against his neck. “I mean, I think um. I think it’ll be fun. And it’s not too many people? So you shouldn’t be like, overwhelmed or anything.”

Connor smiles, peering down at Evan as best he can. “So you’re saying you want to go?” He asks, and Evan’s cheeks immediately flush.

“Only if you want to,” He quickly replies, smiling when Connor actually laughs at that.

“Okay, we can,” He nods, sinking further into the pillows. “But if it gets to be too much would you be mad if we left?”

Evan doesn’t hesitate before he’s shaking his head, turning on his side and leaning on his elbow to look at Connor. “No, of course not. I don’t want you to um, to like be anxious or whatever and not say anything.”

Connor nods, but the two of them drop the subject and turn on Netflix instead, but Connor ends up spending most of the time thinking about how he got invited to a party and he was actually going to go. And he wasn’t _that_ nervous about it.

—

Alana hands Zoe a soda before falling onto the sofa beside her, smiling. “Jared told me that Evan and Connor are coming to the New Years party.”

Zoe rolls her eyes, a smile tugging at her lips as she takes a sip of her soda. “Yeah. Connor said he’s excited about it, which. I don’t know if I believe that. I think he’s trying to be excited because Evan is excited,” She smiles, and Alana nods like she understands even though Zoe knows she really doesn’t understand, she just wants to be nice.

“Well, at least it will be us and not some out of control party, you know. He doesn’t have to like, hide how he’s feeling or worry about getting overwhelmed or anything when he knows all of us and he seems to be doing better.”

Zoe wants to say that it doesn't matter if Connor knows everyone there. She wants to remind Alana that Connor sometimes gets overwhelmed when he’s with his own family and no one else, and they’ve been with him through all of this. But every time she goes to say it she just thinks about how Alana would probably feel awful about even suggesting that Connor doesn’t have to worry about things, and then Zoe would feel guilty that she lashed out and said anything at all for the rest of the day.

So she shuts her mouth, nods and agrees with Alana as if everything she said is true, and lets Alana change the subject to school and how the teachers really seem to be laying on the work so close to the Christmas break.

“I’ll be happy when we can just focus on decorating for this New Years party and look forward to the year where I finally graduate and you become a senior,” Alana laughs.

“I’ll still have another year of school left, though. Not that exciting,” Zoe reminds her, taking a sip of her soda before looking back at Alana. “But I _am_ looking forward to decorating for this party. We’re going to buy so much stuff at the party store and make the boys want to die when they see what we’ve done with the place,” Zoe laughs, and Alana laughs right along with her.

“I’ve never really had a New Years party before,” Alana confesses when their laughs had quieted down. Zoe nods, chewing on the inside of her lip for a moment as she struggles with what to say to Alana.

“Well, if this is going to be your first New Years party with friends, you picked a really good group to do it with,” She smiles. “And that just means we’re _really_ going to have to go all out.”

Alana laughs, her head falling against Zoe’s shoulder as she wholeheartedly agrees that they’re just going to have to make this the best New Years ever.

And Zoe thinks that’s exactly what all of them need. A good start to a new year that hopefully goes much better than the last one had.

—

“I hear this New Years party is going to be quite the event,” Jared says as he sits down at the lunch table on their last day before break, pulling his lunch out of his bag. “Just glad I got the invite.”

“Well, I hear that a party isn’t a party without Jared Kleinman there,” Connor teases, and for a moment everyone seems pretty caught off guard by it. But Jared just laughs and raises his water bottle in Connor’s direction, a smile on his face.

“You’re in for a treat this year, my friend. A whole night hanging out with me to start your new year,” He says. Connor rolls his eyes, and Alana abruptly changes the subject to something about school, which everyone just goes along with because it’s Alana and that’s what’s important to her.

Connor looks around the table for a while, thinking back to the year before when he skipped lunch in favor of hiding out behind the school and chain-smoking cigarettes the whole period. Or on occasion when he’d forget his cigarettes or he was actually hungry for once in his life he’d take his lunch his mom had packed him and eat outside sitting up against the building where the staff actually could see him, or on days it would be raining or too cold to be outside he sat in the bathroom.

Away from where people would watch him. Away from where he didn’t have to hear people teasing him or mumbling remarks about how he looks like he’s about to kill all of them. Or at least freak out and start throwing things.

And now, a year later, he’s sitting at school at a lunch table with his friends and his boyfriend and even Zoe, which. He never thought would happen. Not in a million years. And he knows things aren’t perfect — he and Zoe still fight and he still lashes out more than he means to — but it’s getting better. They’re making progress and he’s slowly starting to feel better, and it’s everything he’s always wanted but never thought that he would get.

He ends up zoning out for a while, jumping at Evan’s touch when his hand rests against his. “You okay? You look… you look like you’re drifting," Evan says quietly, doing his best to not draw attention to the two of them when he’s almost certain that Connor wouldn’t want that.

Connor nods, shifting to look at Evan. “Fine. Just… I was thinking about last year. How I didn’t have… this,” He says, a smile tugging at his lips. “It’s nice. Having people to sit with at lunch.”

“It is,” Evan agrees, continuing to rest his hand on Connor’s until the lunch period ended.

Connor wasn’t ready to hold hands in the hallway, which in all honesty Evan wasn’t even sure he was ready for that either. So he just walked beside him to their next class, wondering how he had gotten so lucky to have someone like Connor in his life despite everything awful that had happened before.

—

Being back to one session a week with Dr. Taylor meant that Connor often had more to talk about at these sessions than he did when they went twice a week, which he figured made them a little easier now. And he definitely wasn’t going to complain about that.

“How do you feel about school being out for a few weeks. Do you have any plans?” Dr. Taylor asks, and Connor has a feeling he’s maybe slightly worried that being home with nothing to do and no school to at least break up his thoughts.

Connor shrugs, picking at the bracelet on his wrist for a minute. “We’re not like, going anywhere this year. But my friends invited me to spend New Years with them? So I’m going to do that,” Connor says quietly, looking back at Dr. Taylor.

He’s really not surprised that Dr. Taylor is smiling back at him. Making it painfully obvious that he’s proud Connor is putting in some effort to hang out with a group of people. “Are you looking forward to that?”

“I guess so,” Connor shrugs. “It’s not that many people and Evan and Zoe will be there, but. One of the kids going used to um, bully me when we were little? And he’s apologized and we talked through it and everything, but sometimes I just think it’s weird that I’m hanging out with this person who was so awful to me when we were younger.”

Dr. Taylor nods, scribbling a few things down. “It’s an odd predicament, but the fact that he apologized and you guys talked things through is an excellent step. People can change, Connor. And if he wants to fix things, I think it’s good that you let him in, if only slightly.”

Connor nods, picking at his bracelet again as he answers a few more questions, talking through his last week of school and how his stress and anxiety have seemed to ease a little since school had finished earlier that afternoon.

“Do you feel like you’re slipping or in danger of slipping?” Dr. Taylor asks abruptly almost immediately after Connor talked about this huge project he had handed in that morning that had alleviated a lot of the stress that he felt like was on him.

“No?” Connor says, shaking his head. “I don’t. I think… this all was just a school thing that I feel better about now. It’s not like last time when I felt like even when I accomplished things that that dread and worry never really went away,” Connor says quickly, wondering if he was missing something. Because what if he had given off a vibe that he was slipping again only he hadn’t noticed this time? What would happen then if _he’s_ not noticing it anymore?

“Connor,” Dr. Taylor cuts him off, looking at him. “That wasn’t a trick question. I was just asking to check in with you, make sure you’re not feeling any sort of change or anything,” He smiles.

Connor nods, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “Just to be sure… you don’t think I’m slipping, right?”

Dr. Taylor laughs at that, setting his pen down. “Connor, I do not think you’re slipping. In fact, I think you’re doing better than you ever have. I promise I was just checking in.”

And Connor nods, finishing out the session and feeling slightly better that Dr. Taylor can see how much better he’s doing. Because it means that it’s probably true. Connor had never been able to lie to him.

And so the fact that he thinks he’s doing better than ever before is a _really_ good sign, at least in Connor’s mind.

It’s all he’s ever wanted.

—

Usually when Cynthia and Connor arrive home from therapy Cynthia immediately starts on dinner, Larry is finishing up work in his office, and Zoe is out with friends or at work or maybe even practicing guitar.

Today they come home and Larry and Zoe are standing in the kitchen looking at a Chinese takeout menu, both smiling when they hear them come through the door.

“We were just choosing what we want for dinner,” Larry smiles as Cynthia sets her bag down, looking at her husband. “Did you guys want to choose and then we’ll order?”

Connor slowly follows his mom into the kitchen, eyebrows furrowing as he looks at this whole situation with his family. They only usually got takeout when it was someone’s birthday, and even then it was rarely Chinese food. So why all of a sudden were they getting it, and why did his mom just seem so… _okay_ with the fact that Larry and Zoe had chosen Chinese over like, anything else?

“What… why are we doing this? Why are we getting Chinese and like… I don’t know. Is there something I’m missing?” Connor asks, and it’s not really how he meant for it to come out. He watches as Cynthia and Larry share a quick glance, and then Larry turns to his son.

“Well, we figured we could celebrate you and Zoe being done school for break,” He begins, but just as Connor goes to ask even _more_ questions — like when did they ever celebrate the end of school for Christmas break? — Larry looks back at him. “And your mother and I have talked and consulted with Dr. Taylor, and we’ve decided to give you your door back to your room.”

Connor opens his mouth to say something. Shuts it immediately. And then looks back at them. “Are you serious?” He asks, but the disbelief is obviously written all over his face as his mom smiles.

“Dr. Taylor says that he thinks it’s fine if you have it back. He said that you’ve been doing really well and you deserve to have that back,” She explains. “And it won’t come without compromises. Like maybe not locking it or sleeping with the door shut quite yet, but. We figured we could start slow?”

“Thank you,” Connor mumbles, smiling as he walks over to hug both of his parents. “I’m fine with sleeping with it open. I didn’t think I’d get it back ever,” He confesses.

Cynthia tries to hide the tears, but they’re painfully obvious on Connor’s face. “You were always going to get it back. In fact we planned to give it back to you earlier this year, but when you were hospitalized we knew you probably weren’t ready. But sweetheart, you’ve been doing so well and you deserve this,” She smiles, hugging him again as she kisses his cheek.

Connor disappears upstairs to bring his school stuff to his room after he picks what he wants for dinner, shutting the door quietly behind him. It’s weird he decides. He had grown used to being able to see and hear everything going on, and now… now he was back in his own little world. And he wasn’t sure if he liked it or hated it, but he _did_ like that he had the option now.

And all he could think about was telling Evan.

**My parents gave me my bedroom door back when I got back from therapy today.**

_Really? That’s good, babe! You can have some privacy again!_

Connor smiles at that.

**I know :) it’s nice but like… a little weird.**

**But I mean now we can make out in my room and not worry about someone in my family catching us ;)**

_Connor. Oh my god._

Connor laughs out loud, imagining that Evan is probably back in his own house with his face beat red.

_But also. We’re doing that when I come over next._

**Knew it. Knew you couldn’t resist this. Love you :)**

_Love you too :)_

Because he’s still not sure what he’s supposed to do now that he has privacy, Connor pulls a book from his nightstand, only interrupted when there’s a knock on his door. “You can come in, it’s not locked.”

Zoe appears from behind the door, smiling as she slips through the door and shuts it behind her again, sitting on the edge of his bed. “How’s having a door back?” She asks, a smile on her face.

Connor shrugs, setting his book down on the bed beside him and looking back at his sister. “I mean, it hasn’t been that long. But it’s weird. I can’t really hear you guys downstairs and you guys can’t see me anymore when you walk by. But I kind of like it.”

Zoe smiles, picking at a loose string on Connor’s comforter for a minute. “I… okay I’m going to get really sappy, but you don’t get to tell me no because it’s Christmas and we’re having a good few weeks.”

Connor rolls his eyes, but the smile tugging at his lips lets Zoe know that he’s not really upset with her apparently wanting to spill her guts or whatever.

“I’m really glad that we’re… that we’re working on this. On us. Like, last Christmas I was so scared about break because I didn’t have work that much and I knew I’d be here with you,” She pauses, trying to gauge Connor’s response. And he doesn’t seem upset. “And now you and I are like, we’re doing so much better and we can hang out and we're going to celebrate New Years together. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this to happen again?”

Connor bites his lip, shaking his head.

“I hated how much you drifted away when things started getting bad. And then when I had to keep my distance, obviously, all I could think about was how I could help get you better so that we could be best friends again. And I _know_ we’re not best friends again. We’re just... we’re not there yet. But we’re so much closer than I ever thought we would be again. And just… I’m glad you’re willing to fix this.”

There's a silence in the room, and Zoe briefly thinks about getting up and walking away before she realizes that Connor is like… thinking about what he’s going to say. “You really didn’t have to give me another chance. I didn’t… most people wouldn’t have. And if it wasn’t for you I don’t know where I’d be. Like you’ve helped me through so much and I’m sure I probably still scare you because I’m not that great, but like. I’m trying.”

“That’s all I ever needed,” Zoe says quietly, leaning forward to rest her hand on his leg. “For you to try. That’s all I ever wanted to know that I should put in the effort to fix this.”

Connor nods, leaning back on his pillows. “Well then. I’m glad we’re doing better, too,” He smiles.

When Zoe moves to lay in his bed and curls up next to him like she did when they were younger and scared of the thunderstorms outside, he doesn’t protest.

He just thinks about how thankful he is to have a sister like Zoe, who’s so willing to be so patient with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) unfortunately there's only one chapter left BUT like i said i have a few one-shots written and a few other ideas floating around, so this isn't COMPLETELY the end of this story or this little world :) if you guys have any little ideas within this world you could always let me know :)
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com
> 
> more on Friday!


	28. New Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids ring in the new year together, and things feel okay.
> 
> also known as the last chapter :(

Cynthia remembers the first time Zoe and Connor insisted they were old enough to stay up until midnight on New Years Eve. Zoe was 6 and Connor was 7, and although they barely made it till 10, when they promptly passed out curled up against each other on the sofa watching the festivities on TV, it was a moment that Cynthia always thinks about when she thinks about New Years.

Zoe was 10 when she was invited to her first New Years party. She and Connor had been staying up until midnight for the last few years together, and although Zoe had expressed to Connor that she would stay home with him if he wanted to hang out with her, Connor had insisted that she go. They could always stay up until midnight another night, that she shouldn’t say no to her friends just because he’d be at home.

Cynthia had always thought that Connor would be invited to a party too and Zoe wouldn’t have to feel bad about leaving him. But he hadn’t been, and instead of hanging out with his friends Connor curled up on the sofa with Cynthia watching _The Wizard of Oz_ , flipping the channel just in time to watch the ball drop in Times Square at the stroke of midnight.

Connor started to not care about being invited anywhere, but as Zoe got older and only continued getting invited to New Years parties, Cynthia couldn’t help but be upset that her little boy wasn’t as social as her daughter.

Now she busies herself in the kitchen making brownies, which she hasn’t made in years, in preparation for both of her kids to go out and celebrate New Years with friends. And it didn’t come without hardships — Connor had been through a lot since those days where Cynthia wondered why people hadn’t invited Connor everywhere — but he was going out too, and it was all Cynthia had hoped for his whole life. For him to be invited somewhere to celebrate.

Connor comes downstairs first, wearing jeans and a sweater with his bags packed to spend the night at Alana’s. He had been flipping back and forth between coming home after midnight and sleeping at home or just sleeping over with his friends, although Cynthia had reminded him probably a million times that he didn’t have to decide in advance if he didn’t want to.

“I’m bringing a bag just in case. If I decide to come home I’ll go pick up Zoe in the morning, I just. I don't know how I’ll feel after we’ve been hanging out all night,” He says quietly as he moves to grab himself a water bottle.

Cynthia smiles, cutting up the brownies to put into a bag for them. “That’s fine. Just text me so I know what you’re doing. You’re more than welcome to come home if you’re not feeling it. Evan can come too,” She smiles, laughing when Connor rolls his eyes, his cheeks flushing light pink.

Zoe walks in with her bag slung over her shoulder, looking between the two of them. “I’ll keep an eye on him or whatever,” She smirks, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and laughing when Connor groans. “In all honesty, we’ll see you in the morning?”

“Of course. Can I have a hug from both of my babies?” Cynthia asks, holding out her arms. Zoe obliges first, hugging her mom tightly before mumbling something about how she was going to say goodbye to Larry, walking out of the kitchen.

Connor had mostly grown out of hugging his mom when he was 12, not that Cynthia expected otherwise. But now he looks at her, a smile tugging at his lips as he walks over and pulls her in for a hug. “I am so, so proud of you, you know.”

“Didn’t want you to make a big deal of this,” He mumbles into her shoulder, but he shows no signs of letting go of her, and so Cynthia just continues to hold him in the middle of the kitchen as she smiles, rubbing his back.

“I know, baby. And I wasn’t going to, but I just wanted to let you know that this is huge for you, and I’m so proud at how hard you’ve worked to get here.”

Connor pulls away, blushing furiously but a smile on his face that let Cynthia know that he wasn’t _really_ mad at how big of a deal she was making this. “Thanks. For um, for helping me? And for like understanding and never leaving even when I wasn’t accepting help or when things were really bad.”

Cynthia smiles, her thumb brushing against Connor’s cheek lightly. “I’m your mama, baby. And no matter how much you try to push me away I’m not leaving. Any time you need me you just tell me,” She reminds him, smiling. “Now, go say goodbye to your dad before your sister starts having a fit that you’re going to be late.”

Connor rolls his eyes, making his way down the hall and into his dad’s office, where he had been finishing up some work that had come in while he had taken the week off to be with his family. “I’m pretty sure Zo just told you, but we’re leaving,” He says, hovering in the doorway as if his dad would be mad that he just stormed in.

Larry smiles, peering over his laptop and nodding. “She told me. You ready to go?” He asks, and Connor _knows_ what he means. He knows he’s asking in case he wants to confess that he doesn’t want to go, but for once Connor doesn’t feel like he has to lie about something he’s about to go do.

“I am, yeah,” He nods, smiling as he bounces on his feet. “I’ll be back in the morning? Unless I like, come home tonight but I told Mom I’d text her if that happened,” He says quietly, almost as if he and Larry hadn’t made insane progress in being open about how Connor was feeling.

“If you need a ride home just text me. I’ll come get you,” He says, and Connor actually feels like he’s being genuine, like that wouldn’t actually be an awful ride and his dad would really understand this time. “Have fun. You deserve this night, Con. It’s a good way for you to end this year,” He says.

And when he stands up from his desk and comes over to hug Connor, Connor doesn’t tense up or try to push him away. He just lets his dad hug him quickly, rubbing his back before letting him go. “Let us know if you need to come home,” He reminds him, and Connor nods, thanking him again quietly before walking out to meet Zoe at the front door.

He tries to act like his mom waving from the front door as Zoe pulls out of the driveway is a normal thing, but he can’t help but think that she’s doing it just because it’s the first time Connor had even been invited anywhere for New Years, let alone after the year he had had.

“You’re not saying anything about me coming to this. You don’t get to, I’ve had enough of Mom and Dad making a big deal about me going out and how much I deserve it,” Connor mumbles after flipping through Zoe’s music and picking a song they both like.

Zoe laughs, glancing at him when she stops at a light. “Definitely not making a big deal about this,” She promises, leaning her head back against the seat. “Evan doesn’t need a ride, right?”

“Nope,” Connor says, popping the ‘p’. “His mom is working tonight and so she’s dropping him off on the way and she said she’d pick him up on the way home tomorrow morning.”

Zoe nods, the rest of the ride quiet as she pulls onto Alana’s street, parking behind Jared’s car. “Ready to go in?” She asks after shutting the car off, and Connor nods, grabbing his things and following Zoe up to the front door of Alana Beck’s house, a place he never thought he would be.

He figures Zoe must have told her not to make a big deal about him coming along with her because when they walk in Alana just smiles and directs them to where they can leave their things, ushering them into the living room. “Everyone else is here, we were just waiting on the two of you while we chose a movie,” She says quickly, Connor trailing behind the girls.

“Oh good! The Murphy kids are here now and they can side with me that we should definitely watch a horror movie first,” Jared says as they round the corner, Connor resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“Are you arguing with Evan over this?” Connor asks, smiling as he walks over to the sofa and sits down beside Evan, giving him a quick kiss. “Because he hates horror movies, so it’s a no from me.”

Jared sighs, turning back towards Zoe with a smile on his face. “Zoe? You say yes and we still win,” He says, but Zoe just laughs and sits down on the loveseat with Alana.

“Sorry, Jare. I get nightmares from horror movies. Even ones that are obviously fake. Going to have to say no to this one,” She smirks, leaning against Alana as Jared groans, complaining while he picks out a comedy movie to watch instead.

Connor finds that it ends up being a night that he’s been waiting for his whole life. He never really knew how to have a group of friends before, but he especially didn’t know how to hang out with them like he was that night.

They end up watching _Anchorman_ , Evan curling up beside Connor on the sofa. Connor just wraps his arm around Evan, spending most of the time tracing his fingers along Evan’s sweater and trying to convince his brain to just focus on the movie instead of sitting there and looking around the room thinking about how he really doesn’t deserve to have these people want to hang out with him and he doesn’t deserve to be here, and.

He needs some air.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick,” He whispers to Evan, patting his arm to let him up real quick. Evan doesn’t seem phased, leaving Connor with a lazy kiss before turning back to the movie, situating himself against the pillows.

He’s never been more grateful that Alana Beck’s parents were at their own New Years party when he walks down the hall and realized that he doesn’t actually know where the bathroom is, not that he had to go anyway. But he knows that he needs some space and so he walks into the kitchen and quietly sits down at a chair at the island, letting himself take deep breaths and listen to the movie from afar.

“What are you doing?” Connor jumps out of his seat when Zoe walks into the kitchen holding a glass, moving over to the soda to pour herself some more. “I thought you were going to the bathroom.”

“Well, I realized I didn’t know where the bathroom was, but I really just needed some space. For a few minutes. I don’t know, it’s dumb,” He mumbles, running his fingers through his hair.

Zoe doesn’t look at him, continuing to pour her soda. “It’s not dumb. Did you want me to stay in here with you for a few minutes, or do you want to be alone?”

“I mean, I just don’t think I deserve to even have friends who want to hang out with me like this. You should go hang out with them though, I’ll find a way to come back in a few minutes.”

Zoe rolls her eyes for real that time, setting the bottle of soda down and looking back at her brother. “Okay we’re not doing this. You’re not going into your pity party tonight at a _party_ ,” She says, which oddly makes Connor laugh. “You’re not here out of pity, you’re not here because we felt like you should be here and because you’re my brother and my friends thought it would be nice. You’re here because we want you here. And because I want to end the year with my brother because we’re finally getting along.”

“Okay,” Connor nods.

“Con,” Zoe says as Connor goes to stand up and pour himself a glass of soda before he goes back into other other room, “If I don’t have a chance to say it since we’ll be with everyone, happy new year. I’m really glad you’re alive. I’m glad that we… that we’re doing better,” She stops. Takes a deep breath, and walks over to Connor.

Connor holds his arms out, rolling his eyes as he lets Zoe hug him. “I’m just really glad that you’re here, Con. More than I think you realize.”

Connor swallows audibly, trying to force down the tears because she’s _definitely_ going to make him cry in the middle of Alana Beck’s kitchen with their friends in the other room. “Thanks, Zo. I’m… I’m glad I’m here, too,” He whispers, meaning it for the first time in a long time. “Happy new year.”

Zoe pulls away, wiping under her eyes and laughing at her brother, the two of them walking back into the other room as if they hadn’t just had the most sentimental moment they had had in years.

Evan just smiles when he comes back and sits down. Connor _knows_ Zoe is staring at him, but he doesn’t think Evan notices and so he just settles back into his spot and stares at Zoe until she rolls her eyes and looks back at the movie, despite the fact that he does feel a little better for the reassurance from Zoe.

As the night moves on and they exchange the movie for the festivities in New York on the TV, Alana stands up with a smile on her face. “My parents left us champagne since you’re all sleeping over. Should we make some drinks and get ready to celebrate the New Year?” She asks, Zoe immediately standing up to go help her bring everything downstairs.

“I feel like it's super appropriate to make a toast to the new year,” Jared says as he takes his glass of champagne, the countdown beginning on the TV behind them. Connor’s decided to stay back, even making a super adult decision to not drink the champagne because he’s still adjusting to his new meds and he knows he’ll probably just end up on the bathroom floor throwing up all night if he drinks it despite the fact that there isn’t much alcohol.

Evan looks surprised, quietly offering to not drink the champagne either before Connor insists that he can, he’s mostly just not drinking it for everyone else’s sake.

And so they all hold up their drinks to toast, Jared looking around at the small group of friends that became so unlikely, yet seem to fit so well. “To a new group of friends and a great new year,” Jared says, smiling as their glasses all push together.

The countdown has hit the final few seconds, and as they all toast and take a drink Connor looks around the room, finally feeling like maybe he _does_ belong, maybe this is exactly what he needs to start the new year.

As if this is some sort of super cliche movie the group counts down the final three seconds, ringing in the new year with cheers and excitement and hugs. And Evan just. Turns to Connor, smiling before leaning up to kiss him. And then Evan hugs Zoe quickly.

Connor doesn’t remember the last time he was this happy. The last time he just. Felt like this, felt like everything was going right and he was going into a new year that will be different than any other year before.

And so he kisses Evan again, hoping that he can make this moment last a little longer, make this happiness just feel like it’s going to continue and magically he’s never going to have a bad day again because it’s a new year and he’s doing better and that means everything will change.

He knows that’s not the case. He knows that this feeling isn’t going to last forever, let alone all year. But he feels like maybe going into this year is different because not only does he have Evan, the one friend that hasn’t left his side the past 12 years, but he has Alana and Jared, who are really his friends and enjoy hanging out with him and spending time with him.

And he has Zoe back. His little sister. His once best friend, the girl who he had pushed away and threatened her and made her lief a living hell. They’re getting close again. They’re doing better.

And that’s enough to make things feel better.

The group celebrates for a little while, hanging out and nursing their champagne. Alana suggests they could play a game to bring in the new year properly, and Connor says that he’s just going to step outside for some air, but that he’d be right back.

He gives Zoe a smile when she looks worried, but he’s not at all surprised that a few minutes after he stepped out onto the back deck the door opens again, Evan walking out with Connor’s jacket in his hand.

“You okay?” He asks, handing Connor his jacket as Connor slips it on, looking back at Evan. “You um, I can go back in if you just wanted a few minutes.”

“It’s okay, Ev,” Connor smiles, leaning against the railing as he looks back through the woods behind Alana’s house. “I was just thinking a lot about the future and like… where we go from here. How this year will be different.”

Evan smiles, leaning next to Connor so their arms touch, staring out into Alana’s backyard. “Well, I think it can only be better than this year,” He says quietly. Connor laughs, smiling over at Evan. “You’re doing better. It… it’s only going to get better.”

“I know,” Connor nods, sighing. “I know there’s still going to be bad days. I’m still going to have to work on things, but I just. I feel so? Hopeful? Going into this year. And I don’t want that to change,” He says softly.

Because apparently just after midnight on a winter night in the first day of the new year with your boyfriend is apparently the perfect time to do all this.

“It doesn’t have to,” Evan says quietly, reaching over to grab Connor’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Nothing has to change.”

Connor bites his lip, nodding. “You and I are going to be okay? We’re going to go through a lot this year. Graduating high school, you going to school,” Connor says, emotion in his voice.

“Don’t remind me,” Evan says quietly, making Connor smile. “We’re going to be fine. All of that… it’s a ways off. We’ll figure it out. You can come visit. I’m going to… I’ll be home.”

“I know,” Connor nods. And he really does know, it’s all things they’ve talked about before. They have a while before any of that happens and Connor has ages to figure it all out, but it’s just. What’s on his mind. Because he’s never had a reason to be hopeful about a new year like he has this year.

“I love you,” Evan whispers, leaning up to kiss Connor again. “And I… that’s not going to change this year. I promise. I’ll be there for everything.”

“God, this is getting so sappy,” Connor laughs. “But I love you too. And I’m going to be better. For you and me.”

“Good,” Evan smiles.

Connor squeezes Evan’s hand, feeling Evan lean against him as they stay out in the quiet winter air for a few more minutes. And although he knows they really should go back inside, they should go back to be with their friends, Connor is pretty content to stay right here for a few minutes longer.

Because right now he’s starting the new year with a whole lot more hope that the future is going to be better, and one of the people who had gotten him through all that is right there by his side, loving him and supporting him for being _exactly_ who he is, flaws and everything. And he has his family right there cheering him on as well, helping him through every single moment that doesn’t feel possible to get through.

That’s all he really needs to know that everything is going to be okay, even when it doesn’t feel possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this story/leaving comments/kudos/anything else. the love i received on this story is insane and something i never thought would happen, but i'm so glad you guys enjoyed it!
> 
> like i said before, i have a few one-shots written that go in this little timeline of this story, which i'll start posting on tuesday! (it's easier for me to just stay on the same schedule/it's not too confusing). if there's anything in this little world that you wished was in it/you wish happened, please let me know and i'll try to make it a one-shot! i have a few written already, but i'm sure there will be more :)
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> so, here we go! hopefully you all enjoy this fic, i've been working on it for a while and am finally forcing myself to post it after like, weeks of chickening out. not sure how long it'll be, but i do know it'll be a good old chaptered fic again!
> 
> aiming for updates twice a week on tuesdays and fridays, but that could change the further we get into posting this story. 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like! for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)


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